Sometimes, we look at the world, and we look at life. And we see how big our problems are, and we worry, we fret. We get depressed. And we get this gnawing feeling in our hearts that things will never be ok. And sometimes that gnawing feeling will never go away. There's always something to worry about.
I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my parents. I worry that they will never make up. Never be happy. I worry that they will always blame me for their lives and I wont be able to do anything. I worry that my mum will never love me, and my dad will always see me as a burden. I worry about my uni, I worry about how I am going to push my CGPA up, if I will ever finish my soft skills, if UTAR is good enough for me to get a decent job. I worry about getting a decent job, if I will ever get one. I worry about my boyfriend. I worry about him all the time. And I worry about our relationship, because sometimes love is not enough and as much as we love each other, we are still studying, and he will graduate soon and leave Malaysia. I worry about how we are going to last after that.
I worry.
But today, I had a mini revelation. That the only person I can be completely honest with is Jesus. I can be as blatant and as confused as I can be, and He will not judge my lack of understanding. He will listen, and He will answer. So I told Him what I was worried about. I told Him about my lack of understanding. My sadness. My ever constant feeling of lack. And I didnt get an answer. Nothing. No Bible Scriptures popping in my head, no sudden revelation about things, no vision, nothing. So, I gave up and decided to watch a bad copy of Real Steel(which I didnt finish), but the beginning song caught my attention. It was All my Days by Alexi Murdoch. And that's how He spoke to me. He told me that this is what I should look forward to. That everything might be blurry now, and sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But its ok. Some day I will see clearly, and I will see His plans clearly. Until then its ok to just breathe somedays, survive everyday, and put my hopes in God.
It's easy to say those things. But it's not easy to do. But it's sorta easy for me. Because my whole life I spent wandering and looking for a good life, but I never got it. And then He comes along and tells me He's got amazing plans for my life. Its like taking a filthy,useless,hopeless beggar and telling her He'll make her a princess. Who wouldnt want that. So, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. I'm not worried about living in another country, or moving, or getting a job, or marrying A, I just know everything that happens is good. Even if it looks like a shithole at that very moment. Even if it seems like its the end of everything I wanted, it might be the beginning of what I really truly needed all along.
Like I said, it's not easy to do those things. But it's the base of my hopes. And I just need to keep building it.
I just know everything will be fine.
I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my parents. I worry that they will never make up. Never be happy. I worry that they will always blame me for their lives and I wont be able to do anything. I worry that my mum will never love me, and my dad will always see me as a burden. I worry about my uni, I worry about how I am going to push my CGPA up, if I will ever finish my soft skills, if UTAR is good enough for me to get a decent job. I worry about getting a decent job, if I will ever get one. I worry about my boyfriend. I worry about him all the time. And I worry about our relationship, because sometimes love is not enough and as much as we love each other, we are still studying, and he will graduate soon and leave Malaysia. I worry about how we are going to last after that.
I worry.
But today, I had a mini revelation. That the only person I can be completely honest with is Jesus. I can be as blatant and as confused as I can be, and He will not judge my lack of understanding. He will listen, and He will answer. So I told Him what I was worried about. I told Him about my lack of understanding. My sadness. My ever constant feeling of lack. And I didnt get an answer. Nothing. No Bible Scriptures popping in my head, no sudden revelation about things, no vision, nothing. So, I gave up and decided to watch a bad copy of Real Steel(which I didnt finish), but the beginning song caught my attention. It was All my Days by Alexi Murdoch. And that's how He spoke to me. He told me that this is what I should look forward to. That everything might be blurry now, and sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But its ok. Some day I will see clearly, and I will see His plans clearly. Until then its ok to just breathe somedays, survive everyday, and put my hopes in God.
It's easy to say those things. But it's not easy to do. But it's sorta easy for me. Because my whole life I spent wandering and looking for a good life, but I never got it. And then He comes along and tells me He's got amazing plans for my life. Its like taking a filthy,useless,hopeless beggar and telling her He'll make her a princess. Who wouldnt want that. So, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. I'm not worried about living in another country, or moving, or getting a job, or marrying A, I just know everything that happens is good. Even if it looks like a shithole at that very moment. Even if it seems like its the end of everything I wanted, it might be the beginning of what I really truly needed all along.
Like I said, it's not easy to do those things. But it's the base of my hopes. And I just need to keep building it.
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