Reminiscing

Couldn't sleep. So, I cleaned out my gmail. Found some old love letters from my ex I forwarded to my gmail from my old hotmail account.

It's been so long. I can barely remember him. I can barely remember me. Psychotic and damaged I should say. I'm so different now. I'm actually happy. I'm happy with my studies (yay final year!!), I'm happy with my boyfriend. I'm happy with my parents, although they can still be a pain. I've just learned to ignore them :)

Wow.. I cannot believe I've been with Austin for more than a year now. 14th July was our first anniversary. 23rd Sept is another day to be remembered :D They all said we wouldnt last. But we have grown stronger, and more in love and even more connected. And you know, before... when I was stupid and 'in love', I fell for the sweet words and the daily phone calls and gifts and crap. I didnt see the man I was with. I didnt 'see' him. But with Austin, it's different. He is a man's man. I dont get the sweet talk and gifts and the messages and full on texting. But when he calls, he means it. When there are sweet words, it is truthful and honest. No lies. No trying to seduce me. What he gives, is all of himself. He changed me in a way, he made me me. Only after he came into my life did I actually start focusing in my studies, actually focusing on my future. He didn't turn me into a love forlorn fantasy child. He turned me into a logical, practical, future driven young woman. He.. found me.

I'm happy. I'm contented. I remember an email I sent to my ex, saying that he's got the life he wants and I dont. It finally happened. I have the exact life I wanted. I wouldnt change a thing.

I miss my bie. I cant wait to see him after my finals!!!

Finals, internship and final year projects

My 100th post in this blog. I've been a blogger since 2007 but I have changed my blog so many times. Mostly because I'm really good at feeling sorry for myself and after a long time of feeling sorry for myself, I always realise it's time for change and I change my blog. I like this blog though. It's... preppy. :P

I really want to tell you about my final year project. I was assigned to it last Monday, and lucky me I got my first pick. :) 

My topic is "Prevalence of lactose intolerance and its association with lactase-phlorizin hydrolase gene (LCT) variants among Malaysian subjects."

Which basically means in layman's term I have to find the change in this particular part of the gene that makes people not tolerant to dairy products. 

For those sciency ones, lactase is the intestinal enzyme responsible for digestion of the milk sugar lactose. Lactase gene expression declines dramatically upon weaning in mammals and during early childhood in humans (lactase nonpersistence). Most humans lose the ability to digest lactose and become lactose intolerant by the time they are about 10 years old. In some populations, people continue to produce this enzyme even in their adulthood. 

The ability to digest lactose in adults is an autosomal dominant hereditary condition caused by the persistence of lactase activity in the small intestine after weaning. The frequency of lactase persistence varies widely in human populations. It is generally found at high frequencies in populations of European descent while at low frequencies in the native populations of Australia and America, and in the Asia and Africa.The mechanisms controlling lactase production were disputed for many years. Recently, a research, using linkage disequilibrium and haplotype analysis, have identified a C/T transition which located -13910 bp upstream from exon 1 of the human lactase gene (LCT) that are completely associated with lactase persistence/ nonpersistence. 

I am working with the C-13910-T gene polymorphism. 

My work is to collect samples of DNA from around 100 people, and see if they have the C or the T SNP in their gene. In Hai-ming Sun et al, the authors report complete correlation between the lactase persistence phenotype and the presence of the T variant allele. So if they have the T and not the C, they have lactose persistence. If they have the C, they have a problem with dairy. There are two parts to my project. One is the gene work. And the other is using basic clinical studies to see if they are really lactose tolerant or not. 

This is as far as I understand, and as far as I have researched. 

I still have a long way to go in terms of my experiment because mostly, all this info comes from a few days of research and I have like 3 months more to figure out my methodology, pros and cons of my research and how effective my studies will be. I have decided I will not be shot down by my soon to be examiners :) 

In another note, which happens much earlier than my project is my internship. My internship starts on the 26th of September. And I work in this tiny cute lab in Ipoh. The awesome thing is that they will be sending me to their KL branch for 2 weeks. Which is very very nice. The only complicated part of my job is that I will be travelling from Ipoh everyday, which is awful awful... I just hope I can make it. 

And what's happening way earlier than that is my FINALS. Which is less than a week from now. I am doing extremely well in 3 subjects, average in 2 and not very good in one of them. But I will pass them all, probably maintain my 3ish GPA like last semester and honestly, I AM SUPER PROUD OF MYSELF!!! 

*pats myself on the back*

I only wish my parents saw how great I am doing. And I wish they were capable of being proud of me. And also, I wish I could talk about this to my boyfriend. His brain shuts down whenever I start talking science, and it's not his fault. He's just not wired for sciency stuff. 

So, that's my life. Not that I have nothing else going on, I have all this to take all of my time. Which I actually like. I spent way too much time impressing others I forgot what I really liked. I like research. I like science. I like being badass like this. When I was young and finally got internet connection and a printer, I spent all my paper printing about HIV. I knew about HIV way before I learned about it. I wanted to cure it. I was doing so much 'research' that my mother thought I thought I had HIV. She was worried sick. Which is kinda funny and hateful at the same time. I like to learn. Its the one thing I am good at. I'm badass at partying and clubbing and being destructive and all that jazz but everytime I do it I feel like I have lost a part of me. Maybe I'm just getting too old for that stuff. hah!

So, back to my research and studies :) much to tell later :)

Weekend post

It's been a lazy weekend for me. That doesn't happen frequently and so I'm cherishing every moment. Tomorrow will be the start of Week 11 for me at my uni. 4 more weeks to go and it's FINALS. But there will be no rest this 4 weeks. I still have assignments, presentations, lab reports and midterms going on till the 13th week.

For two weeks now, I've been very low in spirit. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing is happening. Wishes are still wishes, dreams remain in my mind and hope is looks like something that came out of Wonderland. But this week has been good to me, something DID happen. I will be representing my university, and also assistant to my senior course representative for Biomedical Science at the annual symposium held in University Malaya during the semester break. Amazing? I think so too :) And the best part is, a lecturer, whom I think doesnt like me very much chose me. Guess he likes me after all. Lol. Thing is, I adore this lecturer. I 'worship' his brains. And also, during his class last week I managed to answer his question and he commemorated on it. Well commemorated is an overstatement, but I shall use it anyway.

So yes, Symposium!!! And also, Final Year Project titles are out. I wont be doing it this year because it's clashing with my Internship this October but since I'm course representative I will be running around registering my peeps. And also registration for Internship. And also registration for the Symposium event. Have to juggle all that with two assignments due this week, and one presentation. 1 lab test, 2 more midterms and one more assignment in Week 12. Good life :) Hey, I'm not complaining. I actually like it. Keeps me active and busy. And no time to be emo haha.

Guess, that's all for now.  I should go. I need to complete my lab reports.

xoxo

Back to Church

Hello... Its a quiet Saturday. Well Saturday is gone. Its Sunday now. I, am still procrastinating on my work because my ovaries are throwing their monthly tantrums at me and I couldnt be bothered to get out of bed muahahaha. However, the week has been wonderful to me, and I gained a lot of insight on a lot of things. For starters, I went back to church. This thought has been bugging me for ages and I finally got the guts to go back to church. Needless to say, it was like I never left. I am definitely going back next week. And the next, and the next... always.

I also added my cousin on Facebook. Well, I blocked her out of seeing my posts and pictures but she's there. Reading her statuses and posts made me realise something. Something about myself actually. I try too hard to go against the norm. It's not a bad thing, but it's just that, I realised I do that. I dont want to be associated with a certain stereotype, a certain trend. I want to be seen as different. I want to be accepted by everyone. I actually sorta disliked the fact that my cousin keeps posting scriptures and telling people 'dont do this' and 'dont do that'. I felt like, well... if you were a nonbeliever, and someone just came and threw bible words at you without even knowing or acknowledging who you are, would you accept or even try to understand what that Christian is trying to tell you?

I read this on tumblr today
“The modern church does not worship idols of gold or stone, she worships the gods of human effort and will power. Morality has become our Molech and and behavior our Ba’al, while the person and work of Christ is strangely missing from our messages, meetings and media.”

— Jeff Turner, Revival or Riots

I have to agree with Jeff. In my family, faith is determined by human effort and will power. And well, as we all know, I am not accepted by my family because my morales differ from theirs and my behavior is not seen as acceptable. But in my few years with Christ, I still dont understand why I have to act, talk and behave a certain way to be seen as a Christian. When I do something, or talk a certain way, people (family) assume I have lost my faith. I do not believe in going around and telling people the 'laws' of God. I do not believe in telling people they are wrong and they have to turn back before they are condemned to hell. If it was me, I want someone to accept me for who I was, sinner and blasphemer, and love that person. I would want to know what kind of God would love someone like me. I would want that knowledge to lead me towards turning back. That's what happened to me. I wasnt moved at all by this lady who always came to my house and told me I was a sinner. What moved me into knowing God was the love my church and my youth group showed towards me. Picking me up from my house, sending me home, inviting me to their house for sleepovers and taking me out shopping and doing fun things with me when in truth, they didnt have to, because I was of no gain. Them, doing that changed my view about God. If their love of God could move them to love someone like me, then this God must be different. And so I learnt about Him. And I wanted Him in my life.

But still, even with my principles, I still havent figured out how to move from that first step of accepting people and not judging them. I dont know how to tell them, my God is amazing and you should come find out for yourself. That is also part of the reason why, I went back to church. I guessed, as much as I loved God, my knowledge of him was still sparse. And maybe if I knew God more, I would know how to reach out to people. And if I knew the Holy Spirit more, I would learn how to listen to His directions when reaching out.

It's not wrong to be flawed. It's not wrong to have weaknesses. It's not wrong to be wrong. What is wrong is hiding it from God and behaving like everything is ok. Coz if everything is ok, you would not need Him. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am weak and useless without Him. But with Him in my life, I see myself doing great things. 

It's Cat-urday!!!

It's time to blog. Yes!! I HAVE THE TIME!! Today I had my Genetic's midterm and I can safely say I did well. Not too well but better than I expected. These days I'm very driven towards my studies. I actually like it. I have developed a major interest in Genetics and although it's my most difficult subject I really like reading about it and watching videos on that topic. DNA was never my strongest point but this semester, almost all my subjects are based on DNA and gene material of some kind, and honestly I'm starting to like it. I should be napping right now, but I am having a ball online googling for random things on decorating and art and things like that. 

During my test, I was gawking at my lecturer, Dr. Phoon. In my first year, she had this strict look and I avoided her pretty much until this semester. But honestly, she is one of my most favourite lecturers!! She has the prettiest smile and the most motherly face and she actually is very good at genetics. I really like her labs. And, also she is the Head of Department for Biomedical Science so imagine she has so much work to do on top of teaching us such a tedious subject!! I think she should be well appreciated. 

That's the thing with me. I'm prone to hero worship. I basically think my lecturers walk on water. I think they are amazing, they have so much to give and they are actually doing an amazing job. I admit I'm very easily influenced by people. But I have a condition. You have to impress me. If you got that covered, I'm all yours. It's a little bit like how Christina Yang from Grey's anatomy sees Teddy Altman. I adore and admire people who are able to teach me and inspire me to be a better person. Partly also why I adore my boyfriend so much. He has taught me so many things since our relationship and the change in me is immense, and I like it!

This whole week has been a very positive week for me. I heard that my reputation among the young junior is building up (the inny minny young ones haha) and I aced my presentation, my midterm went well etc. I still see a lot of room for improvement though. For one, my organizational skills are still whack. One moment of panic in my room and its chaos all over again lol. And also time management is still a bit out. Other than that, my dieting is not going so well ( I lurve you food), and grooming is a bit out. But that's about it :)

The only annoying thing is, how my mother still cant see how her daughter has grown up to be. I'm pretty sure I'm turning into someone she can be proud of and yet she still cant see. For instance, today's conversation:

Me   : Fine... Ask Saishree to give me her website address. She still got facebook?

Mum: Be kindly what you say 2 her n dont ask matters tat r sensitive like boyfriend -talk about studies n intellectual things ok and Godbless amma love!!

Ok, it sounds harmless right? The thing is, only I can see what she really means based on our 23 long tedious relationship... My aunty has drilled it in my mum's head that I am a bad influence and all I know is sex and boys and having fun the bad way. Ever since we were young, my aunty has always taught Saishree that I should be kept at arm's length and I am bad news and all she should do is learn how to study from me and use me. Well I am not the one who went cavorting with a foreign worker at 12 years old and ending up almost pregos! pffft. Whatever la. I reach out, they stump me. Whatever. 

Boyfie says I should concentrate on my work and become who I want to be, and be successful and amazing, and maybe one day she will see how much she missed out on. 

Until then, out of sight, out of mind. And continue paving my way towards success!!

Owl post

Why am I awake at 4am? Well mostly because I'm looking for a Tamagotchi to satisfy the little child in me. I never got a Tamagotchi and a lot of my young years was spent looking at everyone playing with their Tamagotchi and smuggling it to school so they can feed their 'pet'.

Anyhoo, I'm really sorry for the lack of posts. Uni has been really hectic and any spare time is spent on assignments, lab reports or sleep. Apart from the constant tiredness,lack of sleep and tonnes of work to do, my life is pretty well rounded at the moment. I'm doing well in my tests, my assignments are going great, and I'm pretty sure a few As are in my hand. Very proud of myself.

This semester, I find myself very driven towards my studies. So driven that at times I completely forget about my life outside uni like boyfie, going out etc. I want to do well so badly. I'm also taking the time to dress nicely to uni and look smart and not like some drunkard. By the way, I dressed up as an African girl last Saturday. I wore a  headwrap. I thought it looked pretty cute.

Cute? hehe

This year, is the year of achieving forgotten dreams, unreached goals and creating new hopes and dreams. I'm quite excited about this year. The enthusiasm of the new year hasnt waned down on me.

Overall, I'm doing great. Life can be quite amazing if you choose it to be.

xoxo 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

Thank God

I am sorry if I complain too much. Maybe I'm too accustomed to complaining. Today I saw that I have so much goodness around me. Good things happening. I thank God. I thank God for this year. I thank God for the year that started out surrounded by people who adore me and a man who is absolutely crazy about me,who thinks I'm perfect and who loves me unconditionally, and more importantly loves God too. I thank God that my financial needs have been met, that I always have enough or more than enough. I thank God for my parents. I thank God for the for the friends I have in my life, though we may not be close, every moment spent together is productive and memorable. I thank God for the purging He did in my life last year, for without it, I would still be a spoilt brat and I would never know the importance of education and a future. I thank God for the peace and contentment, even in my alone times I can still see the wonderful days ahead of me. I thank God for eagerness I have now to study. I have made the most difficult subject of the semester into the most interesting one, and I'm loving it(aced my tutorial today by the way). I thank God for the time left in my life, and how He gave me a second chance to use it well. And I thank God for making me victorious after a period of being trodden over and being put down by enemies. I thank God for never failing me and never letting me down.

I feel on top of the world today. I see my life, and I see the good. And I see the bad being 'washed' away, both  figuratively and literally.

So much to thank God for. What the pikachu was I so upset and angry over?

Para-para paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep. 
And dreamed of para-para paradise"

Mixed feelings. Some things are happening, and I dont know what to make of it. I don't know if it will get better, or worse. The worse part is, I cannot talk to anyone about it. Recently I have resorted to Befrienders to just talk. Last night I had a good cry talking to a lady named Karen. Befrienders are nice, but you never expect to be so isolated and alone that you have to resort to strangers to get some comfort. I cant talk to boyfie about it. He is the sweetest, most caring guy anyone would ever meet but this one issue I am not allowed to talk to him. 


I still cling on to the trust I have in God though. I don't know where He is taking me, and the life He has prepared for me. But I give up trying to figure out, and I hope that God will lead me through it all. I mean, He knows what He is doing. That's obvious. 


I just want this year to be ok. To be good. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes, and I dont want to remember this year as the 23rd consecutively fucked up year. Actually I just wanna go home. And be with my boyfie, and 'rape' the new playstation 3. It's my safe haven. 


I really did expect the world. I just don't know why it's not happening yet. I don't wanna be 40 and still waiting for the dreams to come true. And most of all, I dont want to be alone. I'm learning how to be alone, and I'm doing pretty well, but I don't fancy it. I want a family. I want my parents to love me again. I want really good friends, not life sucking human beings. And I want boyfie with me forever. 


I have not existed this whole week. It's like I have been flung out of the map. Not one call from anyone except boyfie. I think if the holidays were longer, I would be completely forgotten. I don't wanna be forgotten. 


So, I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for things to be great. It's good for now, but I want great. 

New things

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. It was such half assed posts and I am not in the business of being half assed hehe.

So, officially, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 2012 is being so good to me, and Mohawk is well pleased. I spent the whole semester break with my boyfriend. Which was really great. One month of good sleep, good food and an awesome flatscreen tv to cure my random bored moments. I honestly had a good time. Christmas was nothing special, we went out for a bit, and then spent the entire day at home with friends. I was exhausted by 6pm and fell asleep. New year was very different to me, because when the clock struck 12, I was in my room and I could hear my boyfriend's friends praying downstairs and then me and my boyfriend had our own prayers too. I have never started a new year with prayers. Usually it's saying "Happy New Year" to everyone and falling asleep to tv. Some bad things happened too. When I turned my computer on after a couple days there, I realised the keyboard wasnt working. I'm going to blame the commuter for this. Everytime I ride the commuter, I get packed in like a tin of sardines(worse actually) and that day I still remember I had to take my lappy bag of so I have room to move and the bag got kicked around. So I didnt have my computer for a whole month. Which sucked and gave me quite a scare because when the keyboard stops working its probably the keyboard being faulty of the motherboard decided to 'kaput' on you. Thankfully it was just my keyboard and all is fine now :) The day I found out the 'prognosis' on my keyboard I still remember trying not to burst out in tears and bie was like "Ok, let's have a 10 minute crying session for Pinky" and started howling and made me laugh.

That experience, though made me realise a little more about me. I am not someone who gets stuck in a situation. Once I found out about Pinky, I was upset for a while, but then I started planning my next move. And I have always done that with every situation. I never sulk for long. I know I need to move on and start working on things, although emotionally I do tend to remember and hold it in.

Also, the one month break with my boyfriend changed me a lot. First, I learned I needed to grow up. Malaysian lifestyle is so different from from his lifestyle. I had to learn how to behave around him, and his friends, what I am supposed to, and not supposed to say etc. I also became quite the grocery shopper. Proud of myself hehe. I also learned the importance of reaching out to God, and having God in every action I do. Actually the most memorable conversation I had with Bie was about God. I asked him if we could ask God for material things and if that was ok with Him and that sent Bie on a long conversation about God and the Old Testament and such. It was so interesting and gave me a new perspective of God.

There were downsides too, as my boyfriend is actually a strict no-nonsense guy and I am the exact opposite of him. Many times I got reprimanded and once he yelled at me in front of his housemate which sent me on a day long crying session. It was my fault. I have some old habits that are results of my past and was further condoned by former 'playmates'(friends) and it was so childish and wrong of me. But it did feel exasperating at times because I felt like someone cut my tail of haha! It was all good though. I never felt more at home and belonging than when I was there with him and the rest.

The new semester has started and Day one was crazy. I had 5 back to back lectures with only an hour in between two classes and I was rushing to the faculty office and meeting lecturers and buying stuff and returning books and getting new ones. I was rushing everywhere!! It was honestly a tiring day and today will be too but it's alright because tomorrow I have no class. YAY ME! This semester all my science subjects include DNA/gene studies and DNA is my weakest topic. It always has been but I am in such a good mood this year I am going to make sure I ace this semester too.

Ok, time to get a couple more hours of sleep before I get ready for class. Love you all!

xoxo

Beautiful like me-Joydrop

I have been so bored today. Its only Day 2 of my semester break. What started out as a 'Tumblr rape', ended up in watching youtube videos about eating disorders and all those shit I used to do 2 years ago.I feel like I'm in some sort of a relapse, and it's so much easier now that no one is even bothered to check on me. Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone to. I'm just venting out my frustration. Most of it focused on my mum and dad at the moment. My parents are awesome, up to a point. They send me money, every time I run short to pay my student bill, money is there somehow.My parents keep me comfortable while I slough at university. My dad calls me and tells me when he has banked in. They do a lot to make sure I graduate. But that's about it. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with them. When I tell them I have exams, they ask how I did in it and I usually say I did alright and that's the end of it. 

My mum texts me about my aunt and her daughter, and how they are doing and what they are doing and happenings in churches nearby and how great some pastor is. But she never asks about me. She never asks how I'm doing and what my plans are for the day or if I wanted to hang out with her and go shopping or something. When the attention is actually on me, its about the weight, or the smoking, having bad friends, straying of. If its something good, its about getting pants that fit or something tailored coz apparently retail clothing wont fit on me. I wouldn't mind if this was their normal behaviour, but they behave so differently with my cousin. When I'm at home and my aunt and my cousin come to visit, my parents talk to that girl.Like, normal conversations. About school and friends and her new haircut or something that you expect parents to talk to their kid about. While I try to concentrate on TV, fuming away but looking stoic about everything. How can I not relapse? 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I get my parents to look at me as a person, a child and not an asset, or a liability(I am still not sure what they see me as) is to look like Barbie and be perfect. So there is nothing to be seen as a flaw. I have stopped talking to them about school, friends, studies. I even lie when they ask me what I eat. I have been maintaining "I had bread for food" lie for months now. Bread is foolproof. I always listen to this song, 'Mirror' by Barlow girls and there is this verse, "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.I know He defines me". God defines me. Right? I shouldn't be bothered about what my parents say about me, or think. Right? So why am I so obsessed with getting their approval? So obsessed with that never to be seen pat on the back. And then I listen to 'Beautiful' by Joydrop and feel like that's the only way to get that approval. I'm just so confused. And I really 'megaloathe' my cousin. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because she will always be that competition that I will never win over. Which is superiorly silly because she is so much younger than me and I am so much more capable than her in so many ways. This act of being so desperate for parental approval is mental torture.

To Forgive and Forget

I dont like the idea of getting married. Never been a big fan. Even when me and bie were having the fairytale fantasies about our lives(well, we still do), I saw a wedding as a quick stop to the registrars in wacky clothes and signing the deal. Never was a big fan of weddings either. I think it's because I have spent my whole life watching my parents in such a loveless relationship, sometimes I think they are just sticking it out together because of the financial dependency on one another and also for me. I couldnt live in a marriage like that. I'd run. I also am scared that if I get married, I would put God second and my family first and I would never have the amazing relationship with God that I dream of so often. 

Feel very sorry for my parents though. They could have had such an amazing relationship, if they put the past away and learn to live as God told them to. It's not really that difficult. Just forgive each other. Forgive each other for the spoken words, the hurtful actions, the blaming game, the hurt, everything. Forgive. Even when you dont feel like it. Even when you are still fuming. Just say you forgive, and tell God "I forgive this person. I dont want to, but I am going to do it anyway".

 Second, accept each other as they are. We always enter a relationship, and we see flaws and we think "oh he/she will change" Thats NEVER going to happen. Unless they change themselves. Just accept your other half for all the flaws and weaknesses, and tell yourself,"This is it". Accept it. And learn to love it. My dad loves shopping for clothes, even if he doesnt have the money to. And he likes being extravagant. Accept it. 

Third, try to see them in a different light. After 26 years of marriage, I think its going to be difficult, but just see them differently. When I see them as parents, I get angry, hurt, upset and dissapointed. But when I see them as people, I see a little girl who never got any attention from her mum either, who was disappointed by her brothers telling her what she could not do.I see a little boy losing his dad as such a young age, not being loved by his mother, being betrayed by his uncles(they stole his college fund to pay for their son's college), having such high dreams(my dad wanted to be a doctor), but ending up in a post office, and then the Government printers. Having his first wife cheat on him, etc. And, suddenly every hurt and pain they have inflicted on me, goes away. I dont blame them. I blame life. 

They should open up and see each other the same way too. Every action, has a story behind it. Fourth, learn to love like Christ loves us. My boyfriend, is very good at this. I am stubborn, and I live in the air where giants and mermaids and leprechauns exist. He is a realist. I have trouble taking care of myself, I so stupid things and sometimes I say hurtful things to defend myself before I get hurt(it's a defensive thing). But he, loves me with an iron fist. He doesnt apologize, but he explains why it happened, and what I should do. He compromises with me, a lot. And when I'm around him he takes really good care of me. It helps a lot, to just ask how they are doing, or go to church together. Maybe even a slight touch to the shoulder, or tell them what happened that day, just to connect. My parents never do this. They are so detached with one another. 

Marriage is something beautiful. I know it, coz I know what it's like to be alone, with somebody and also be with somebody and yet feel isolated. Its very beautiful to be able to share lives with someone. But its also devastating when love is lost. 

Marriage still scares me. Maybe I'm too young to be sure. Maybe someday I will be ready for it. Maybe I'm fine just the way I am. 

You are not Forgotten

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

I have a lot of favourite verses from the Bible, but till today, this means to me the most. It's the description of the blog! So you must know how much I love it. 


It's a verse that is very close to my heart. I've always dealt with this issue of being forgotten. God knows how many nights I have cried myself into a hangover like state and sobbed myself to sleep. I am forgotten, easily. I think, my birth mother has completely forgotten about me. If it wasn't for facebook, not many would remember my birthday. I've only received birthday presents once in my life, and my coursemates did a little celebration for my 20th birthday(I love you guys!). My mum has forgotten me at the moment, coz I suppose she is having fun with her family back in KL. My dad only ever remembers me when he thinks I have run out of money. A group of people I used to hang out with completely forgot about me and then decided to backstab me, repeatedly.


But I've always held on to this one promise. He... He has not forgotten me, not once. My name has been engraved on the palms of His hands. And that's permanent. I know this. I have 'engravements' on my hands too. Scars of emotional hurt, anger, disappointment, hate, self-loathing etc. They have been etched on top of another, but years have gone by and I can still see the early scars, right up to the last one. They are permanent. 


But God's markings are a different sort all together. They speak love, care, absolute adoration, blessing, hope, promises, dreams, salvation, an amazing life, and an even more amazing afterlife. 


One birthday, I think I was 8. It was the most horrible birthday I ever had. We were visiting relatives in KL, and my aunty was utterly horrible to me, on my birthday eve. She humiliated me in front of everyone and my parents didnt come to my defense. So I had to play the big girl and totally dissed her of and pretended like I was made of steel. But I still remember we were travelling back home that night and I was tearing up badly at the backseat of the car, under the shadow of night, asking God why nobody would care, or even bother to try and love me. I felt so unloved and unwanted that day. 


And I saw it. Just a flicker, and it was gone. But I saw it. It was a shooting star. A meteor shower, just for me, and I got to see one of them. Ever since that year, meteor shower season falls right after my birthday and I have had 3 years of meteor shower nights here in Kampar.  Its the August Perseid Meteor shower, which always falls around August 10-13 :)


It doesnt sound much, I know. But to me its His way of saying, "Hey, I remember you. You're my kid". 


So when I see these markings on my hands, I dont see them for what they were anymore. I see Isaiah 49:16. "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."


Ps:My exams are over!!! Tumblring like a boss (Geminids Meteor shower going on now, but Kampar too cloudy. I shall dream about them tonight :)

Final day of Finals

Today will be the last day I study for an exam for 2011. Last day. So excited about it!!! 

A couple hours ago, was the best moment of my life. A broken friendship mended, or... on its way to being mended? Either way, it made the whole semester worth it. Everyone sounds so happy today :) It is a good day. 

I Belong to You

I think I'm out of tears. Run dry. 


I had an argument with someone I love, and although we've both pushed it aside(we fought for such a stupid reason) and back to normal again, it made me realize how easy it is to lose a person. 


I feel very alone at the moment. But I seriously dont know how I came across the Barlow Girls(again), but I found them, and the songs are keeping me company for the night. 


This song is on repeat at the moment. 



When love is gone there's no arms to run to anymore 
I'm all alone, theres no one for me to live for 
Letting go of the things I always come to 
Thats when I need to feel That I belong to You

:'(

I belong to You

'Vegetable Incident'

When I first started preschool, there was a colouring contest, and we were supposed to colour in vegetables. And I got ALL the colours wrong. Everything. Even with my parents outside the window trying to 'play' charades with me on regards of the colours. I got them wrong. Yes, I was born an idiot. I still remember looking at everyone's artwork and feeling very small. Because I knew I was wrong. How in the world did I not know which colour to use?

There are so many incidents like that, that I remember which still kinds stings when I think about it.Since small, I have been taught to be independent, to take care of myself and to never depend on anybody to get my work done. With two adults in the house who are forever angry and bickering, it was easy for a small child to get lost in all of it.

But I have to thank God for all that. If it hadnt been for that 'vegetable incident' or the countless other 'incidents', I would never have pushed myself harder. I am a Biomedical student in her second year and improving every semester. I am course representative for my year and so far, I havent had any complains =P. My english is near impeccable and boy do I know how to use it. I read like a glutton and I can hold an adult conversation with ease. Politics, Philosophy, Theology, Science, plan rubbish talk, fashion, art, anything. You name it.I am a very confident person, I can talk to anybody and make them feel like they have known me for years. I'm very independent and resourceful and I am very determined. And I am very proud of who I am, what I have become and the potentials I have.

But I think a lot of it has God playing a big part in them. Sometimes I dont think it is me being that person, it's God who is giving me those traits.He was there all along. In my very challenging home, in my very depressing school life, the bullies, the ones who called me names, the lack of support. I blamed Him for not 'mollycuddling' me and I blamed my parents for not defending me. But one day I was watching my cousin and her mum interact and I realised, what her mum did was what I wanted from my parents, but if it had turned out that way, I could never have become what I am right now.

And today, I walk alone. I am alone in uni, I do my own thing. I cant believe I have survived the whole semester without anyone to hang out or be friends with. But I'm walking in a different tune, in a different sort of confidence. God confidence, not self confidence. It has taken me so many years to learn that, and a big upheaval in my life too. Again, God used the pain and hurt so I could gain something so much more important.

I may look like I have very little going on for me, but my heart feels full. I see plans, and potential and challenges and adventures. I really wouldnt change a thing. And if it takes a little more struggle to get there, I couldnt be happier.

Hell semesters

My timetable for next semester. Looks like UTAR threw up all over my life. Next semester is going to be hectic. I dont know how I'm going to deal with it. 

Butterfly Project

I was reading through LGMH when I saw a post about the Butterfly Project. So I googled it. And what'd ya know, it was something for me. 


The Butterfly Project has been created for self-harmers who feel they are ready to stop and need the motivation or support to do so. A member’s hypnotherapist, who found this idea on an online blog and felt that it was a good idea that should be promoted as a distraction, has recommended it.

The idea is simple. The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and, if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement. Whereas if they do self-harm with the butterfly there; they will have to wash it off. If that does happen, they can start again by drawing a new one on. 
(Source)


I am a self harmer, or a recovering one, and the last time I cut was 21st March 2011. I stopped, for a friend, because for once, the friendship was more important to me than my obsession. 


But it doesnt mean the thoughts dont slip in and out of my mind. I still have the yearning to do so, and mostly I curb it by thinking about my boyfriend, and how upset he will be when he sees fresh marks. 


This is a very nice way of curbing those demons. (But I dont like butterflies very much, you see)


Simple rules: 
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand. 
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

(Source)

I always write TWLOHA on my arms when I get terribly upset and I want to self harm myself. 

TWLOHA means "To write love on her arms" You can check it out here. 

At the end of the day, I see my scar filled arms and legs and I wonder, was it all worth it? I still dont have the answer to that question, but every scar was a battle between me and my demons. Every scar meant, I lived through it and I am still alive. 

And so are you <3

xoxo

Cuddles and dreams

I don't like long distance relationships. I just don't like it. I like to be near the person I love, always, all the time. Right now, I'm in a 'mini' long distance relationship. Means I get to see boyfie whenever I want. But soon it wont be like that(the woes of being in love with someone who is not from your country). He has to go, eventually, and then it will be a 'normal' long distance relationship. And hopefully by that time I will be prepared enough, or even working so I can fly to him whenever I want muahaha.

Problem is, I used to worry so much about this. When I first met him, the first question I asked was, how long do you have in Malaysia? Only then did I pursue the love affair. But now, I dont worry about it. I am at peace with the idea. I completely trust God to make this work for us. Only two options can come out of this; that we are made for each other and we'll find each other again and be happily married or that we were not meant for each other and God has someone else in our lives. Either way, they both lead to a happy ending. I guess, thats why I dont get jittery about this issue anymore.

On a darker note, I think I'm relapsing to my old habits.  I am constantly on proana blogs/tumblrs and talking to the posters. My mind is constantly clouded with those old thoughts and it seems to me, I dont want to break away from them. Another battle I suppose. Another relapse, another cycle. I cannot go on a normal diet/exercise plan without drifting back into the underworld of eating habits. But I really need to lose a tonne of weight! And my evil side is laughing it's ass of because I have no one to force me to eat or have interventions for me, no one to lie to about eating and all that. I dont have to hide!I'll just do my thing :D right?? NO! I hate you evil side. Only I know how much pain this is going to cause me. Self destructive habits are out to play when there is no one to care. Evil side is also asking me to bug boyfie to take the offer to that stupid Kansas university so evil side can play with my eating habits and all that. I hate you evil side!

Gosh let's see how self control plays a part in all this life mockery. 

Sad day

I recently changed one of my Digi Easy Prepaid numbers to my boyfie's number so I can call him for free all the time. But seriously, it doesnt help much coz he isnt really the type to hang on the phone and talk sweet nothings. Even when I'm with him, he doesnt give me attention all day. Dating an older guy comes with a prize I suppose. Not that he ignores me. I get 5 star treatment around him. My breakfast is made, lunch is made, dinner is made.  Even when he watches football, he gives me attention. Always checks up on me. He is really lovely. 


But I really like talking to him because somehow I feel like I am connecting to someone. I havent felt connected in a while, although I have new friends now and they are great :) 


And I'm going through a rough time with the parental unit. I have been trying to get my parents to reconcile with one another for the past few months. I have been doing everything they want me to, budgeting etc. Honestly I dont remember the last time I texted my dad saying "NO MONEY!!" I always have some left when he banks in more. But I have an aunt who was quite apparently spawned in the underworld because she is ALWAYS trying to get my mum and dad to separate and she has been doing it since mum and dad got married. 


So yesterday, aunt sent me a text about how ungrateful I am, and how me and my dad are the same, and by that meaning, using my mum to achieve what we want and how my dad is 'hardcore' blablabla. I dont get this whole 'child using parents to achieve greatness' theme my parents and my aunty uses on me to hurt me. What kind of child would use their parents to achieve greatness? Isnt that like a, default thing? So, I sent her back texts, and actually I have to admit... horrible texts because seriously nobody is in a good mood when they wake up to rubbish like that. She(smart woman) used it to instigate my mum to hate me, and I told my dad what aunty said about him and that I seriously cannot have a sem break with such negative presence there. to which dad replied, no more money for you(apparently money is comfort for me. Food and other things fall from the sky)


Thank God I saved up. 


I feel like its my duty to fix my parents up and its all my fault they are so unhappy and I'm scared my parents will die in a very unhappy state, but honestly I dont see where I am the problem. Yes, I do need money for uni and its not like I'm blowing all the cash on rubbish. The little I get goes for food and toiletries and the occasional hair cut. And paper. 


I feel very unhappy about this. I'm not going home for Christmas. When I had to make a choice I couldnt choose them. Because as we all know, my mental health isnt really stable( I cut, a lot.. or used to. ) and being in an environment where your mother whom you see as god basically calls you sysophrenic(Schizophrenic) and your dad says you are a waste of space, isnt a very conducive environment. I rather go to the place where I am missed and where I have my own space even when its not my home. 


I'm very unhappy. But I said I trust God. So I just have to survive today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. and fingers crossed maybe someday the parental units will finally realise I wasnt so bad to be around afterall.