Beautiful like me-Joydrop

I have been so bored today. Its only Day 2 of my semester break. What started out as a 'Tumblr rape', ended up in watching youtube videos about eating disorders and all those shit I used to do 2 years ago.I feel like I'm in some sort of a relapse, and it's so much easier now that no one is even bothered to check on me. Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone to. I'm just venting out my frustration. Most of it focused on my mum and dad at the moment. My parents are awesome, up to a point. They send me money, every time I run short to pay my student bill, money is there somehow.My parents keep me comfortable while I slough at university. My dad calls me and tells me when he has banked in. They do a lot to make sure I graduate. But that's about it. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with them. When I tell them I have exams, they ask how I did in it and I usually say I did alright and that's the end of it. 

My mum texts me about my aunt and her daughter, and how they are doing and what they are doing and happenings in churches nearby and how great some pastor is. But she never asks about me. She never asks how I'm doing and what my plans are for the day or if I wanted to hang out with her and go shopping or something. When the attention is actually on me, its about the weight, or the smoking, having bad friends, straying of. If its something good, its about getting pants that fit or something tailored coz apparently retail clothing wont fit on me. I wouldn't mind if this was their normal behaviour, but they behave so differently with my cousin. When I'm at home and my aunt and my cousin come to visit, my parents talk to that girl.Like, normal conversations. About school and friends and her new haircut or something that you expect parents to talk to their kid about. While I try to concentrate on TV, fuming away but looking stoic about everything. How can I not relapse? 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I get my parents to look at me as a person, a child and not an asset, or a liability(I am still not sure what they see me as) is to look like Barbie and be perfect. So there is nothing to be seen as a flaw. I have stopped talking to them about school, friends, studies. I even lie when they ask me what I eat. I have been maintaining "I had bread for food" lie for months now. Bread is foolproof. I always listen to this song, 'Mirror' by Barlow girls and there is this verse, "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.I know He defines me". God defines me. Right? I shouldn't be bothered about what my parents say about me, or think. Right? So why am I so obsessed with getting their approval? So obsessed with that never to be seen pat on the back. And then I listen to 'Beautiful' by Joydrop and feel like that's the only way to get that approval. I'm just so confused. And I really 'megaloathe' my cousin. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because she will always be that competition that I will never win over. Which is superiorly silly because she is so much younger than me and I am so much more capable than her in so many ways. This act of being so desperate for parental approval is mental torture.