I love reading Lauren's blog. Over the past few months, she has been a huge strength to me, through her blog and her emails to me.
I will never forget this sentence, in one of her posts.
Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.
I will never forget what it meant to me, how it made me feel when I read that.
Few months ago, I had a major fallout with a group of people. And that fallout caused me to mope around Kampar for a long time, by myself. I had no friends. Nobody to talk to, have dinner with, hang out etc. Mostly, as much as I was relieved for losing the baggage(s) that were holding me down, I also lost a true friend, something I will forever regret.
But I didnt let myself break down. All day in uni I was like this.
But only I knew how hurt I was because of everything that happened. But I decided I was not affected by it all. I didn't let God see my brokenness. All day everyday I pretended everything was great. But it was all going downhill actually. It came to a point where I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. Or do anything.
I don't really know what happened. I think it was the emails Lauren sent to me. Maybe God was speaking to me through her. Maybe He was speaking to me through Pam. But I started reading the bible. I started reading Psalms. And I realized how, in many different occasions, David was just as broken as I am. He cried out the words I wanted to say. Maybe it was the fact I started to reach out to God again.
I started to accept my brokenness. This is coming from someone, who told everyone, how awesome she is. I like to give everyone the impression that I'm so full of myself, oozing of confidence. Maybe that was my biggest flaw. I was wearing bigger shoes than I could fit into. That turned out to be not fun at all. So brokenness it was. I accepted that I was flawed. That I played some part in what happened. That I needed to change. I also accepted the fact that I wasnt ok, and my heart was breaking and I stopped pretending everything was ok.
My heart felt like it had been put into a blender and made into mush, but I started to see it as a blessing. That meant, God can work in me a bit more, and I can lose a lot of me, and put a lot of God to replace me.
I guess that is a good thing. You should see how calm my soul is at the moment. I still go through the same issues everyday. There is still pain. But I wish I could show you how calm I feel at the moment. Sometimes it feels like I am sitting on a big rock, right in the middle of nowhere, the ocean crashing all around me. But I feel calm. I do not fear.
I choose to let God see my brokenness. I also choose to let Him fix me up.
I will never forget this sentence, in one of her posts.
Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.
I will never forget what it meant to me, how it made me feel when I read that.
Few months ago, I had a major fallout with a group of people. And that fallout caused me to mope around Kampar for a long time, by myself. I had no friends. Nobody to talk to, have dinner with, hang out etc. Mostly, as much as I was relieved for losing the baggage(s) that were holding me down, I also lost a true friend, something I will forever regret.
But I didnt let myself break down. All day in uni I was like this.
But only I knew how hurt I was because of everything that happened. But I decided I was not affected by it all. I didn't let God see my brokenness. All day everyday I pretended everything was great. But it was all going downhill actually. It came to a point where I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. Or do anything.
I don't really know what happened. I think it was the emails Lauren sent to me. Maybe God was speaking to me through her. Maybe He was speaking to me through Pam. But I started reading the bible. I started reading Psalms. And I realized how, in many different occasions, David was just as broken as I am. He cried out the words I wanted to say. Maybe it was the fact I started to reach out to God again.
I started to accept my brokenness. This is coming from someone, who told everyone, how awesome she is. I like to give everyone the impression that I'm so full of myself, oozing of confidence. Maybe that was my biggest flaw. I was wearing bigger shoes than I could fit into. That turned out to be not fun at all. So brokenness it was. I accepted that I was flawed. That I played some part in what happened. That I needed to change. I also accepted the fact that I wasnt ok, and my heart was breaking and I stopped pretending everything was ok.
My heart felt like it had been put into a blender and made into mush, but I started to see it as a blessing. That meant, God can work in me a bit more, and I can lose a lot of me, and put a lot of God to replace me.
I guess that is a good thing. You should see how calm my soul is at the moment. I still go through the same issues everyday. There is still pain. But I wish I could show you how calm I feel at the moment. Sometimes it feels like I am sitting on a big rock, right in the middle of nowhere, the ocean crashing all around me. But I feel calm. I do not fear.
I choose to let God see my brokenness. I also choose to let Him fix me up.
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