Keep your head high

I tried to reach out to my mum today. I reached out. It didnt work. She ended up mocking my Christian believes and who I am. I had to install a message blocker to keep her taunting words out of my phone.

I feel lonely. I guess that's why I enjoy busy uni life so much. I dont have time to think about being alone or whatever. I like the midterms, and studying hard. But today I get to rest... and I'm restless instead. Bie is very busy at the moment. I feel sorta bad disturbing him. I've been declining hanging out invitations all week... even today. I'm just so used to being by myself nowadays. I have more time for my uni work, my studies, and important things like tests, catching up, administrative work and also my boyfriend.

I just wish I could talk to mum the way others do with theirs.

I should go to bed. And dream of wonderful things. 

Tests

Today, I had a test. For Endocrinology. From 8-9.15pm, when the uni is closed. This semester is interesting. I had a test at 7am, and now 8pm. 


Anyway, I've been studying so dilligently for this test. Making notes, reading the book, and today I spent 6hours in the library just studying. And I did  the test quite confidently. But when I came out of the room, I heard that the lecturer had already started to mark the papers and someone got 96%. Seriously, my heart just sank. Every confidence I had, every happy thoughts I had just went away. I actually was, jealous, and frustrated. Because I know no matter how well I did the test I wouldnt get those marks. Came home and cried. So since then, I've been moping around and wondering where I went wrong. This semester, I have been studious, I have let go of all my bad habits. I dont party, I dont drink, I dont hang out at an ungodly time. I dont skip classes for fun, I utilize my breaks efficiently by running of to the library. I have been working hard. But I need to work harder if I want to get those results that person got, and I just dont know how to do it. 


A friend told me, "Our perseverance and attitude means something to Him"


And yes, I guess I forgot about that. I wanted to be an ace student so badly, and I wanted it all for myself. I forgot about what God thinks of it, and how he feels about me. I hope, He is pleased that I put in effort and everything that I am doing, my behaviour, my attitude... means something to Him. Boyfie also told me that marks and grades do not measure intelligence. I guess, I just wanted to get high marks so the lecturer would take notice of me and like me. God knows I've been trying. 
But I suppose at the end of the day, what God thinks of me is more important than what anyone else does. 

Transposons

On monday, I learnt about transposons. To put it simply, they are part of your DNA that love to migrate from one part of the other, copy and paste themselves anywhere they are inclined to, and are almost always inactivated because of their 'evil' tendencies. Let loose, they cause problems, like diseases and other awful things. Which sorta led me to think... That's what we are. Well, that's what I am. I dont think holy all the time. In fact most of the time my mind is in a twisted place. I have evil tendencies. But guess what? Transposons are quietened down by methylation. Basically, in lay-mans term, 'bodyguards' go and attach themselves to these transposons, and shut them up. So even if they are still there... they cant do jackshit. I think, when Jesus died for us, his blood, became the part that methylated out evil tendencies, and our 'bad parts'. It quietened them. I dunno. It's random. But I do know that without God, without knowing Him, without he presence and sometimes, fear of him in my life... I would be acting out these evil tendencies... Without God, if I had to choose good and bad, I wouldnt even skip a beat choosing the bad side. But He keeps me in check. My 'transposons' are silent. 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

I've lost you

I dont know what to do anymore. I've been trying to get the right words to say, that one wonderfully written letter or speech that sparks the love back in my mother and reminds me of why she took me in in the first place. But I cannot seem to find any. I tried. I sent her a long text. I tried to tell her about how hard I try. How hard it is for me to make her proud, and how it hurts when she sees the best in Saishree and not me, eventhough I have done more and I have tried so hard to please them. But what I got is a two day long rant about how another cousin of mine, Palveena is a gem of a child. How she used her PTPTN money to pay her parent's mortgage and pay her car of. How she is now pursuing apparently both a degree and masters in Math. Well, its easy to use your PTPTN money for other things when the government pays for your teaching programme AND gives you an allowance to be their bitch. And how wicked I am, to spend money on my hair colour and shoes and clothes. I really dont know what to say anymore. What really hurt me is, I was really sick Friday night. I had to ask someone to send me to the Emergency ward although I stay away from hospitals even when I am having the worst fever ever. I was sick, and while coursemates were asking how I was doing and helping me out, my parents completely didnt bother. My dad asked me about money when I told him I was sick and I had to go to the emergency ward. While my boyfriend was absolutely petrified and stayed awake till he knew I was ok, my parents couldnt be bothered.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think it's time to accept that its just me from now on. They are lost in a world of materialism and cash and lost dreams. They will never come out of it. It's almost like losing them to some sort of worldly Alzheimers.

I guess I need to find some sort of closure, and see things in a different way and know that I am doing things right. 

Weekend trauma

This whole week has been so stressful! After a whole week of running around with barely any rest or time to just shut up and watch a movie quietly, I found myself asking a friend to run me of the emergency ward Friday night. My right side had been hurting the whole day but it got extremely bad at night and I couldnt sit,stand, lie down... anything! I was crouching like Gollum from LOTR until even that was unbearable so I checked myself in to the hospital. Thankfully, after 2 shots of really strong painkillers and some to take orally, the pain was quite bearable and they let me go home. Although I am a little pissed because they couldnt be bothered to do an x ray or something, I understand I suppose. With free medical healthcare like that, they have to do anything to save on resources(as in treat the symptoms and let go)... But what was more painful was that my parents couldnt be bothered to care. I told my parents and got nothing in response. I think I have completely lost them.

Today I went to Tesco. And I passed by the children's clothing section, and found myself mooning at all the uber cute baby clothes. I know!!! I'm too young for this nonsense, but honestly, I feel like I was made to be a mummy. Everything my mum did to me, taught me how not to be a parent. And, yea maybe I wont be the perfect mum, but my children will have the best they can get from me. I'm already so in love with my unborn children. So much in love. I'm not so sure about marriage though. If bie is the right person, so be it. Although I have to give it to him, anyone who has children with that man would be the luckiest person ever. I just hope I'm someday brave enough to want to get married and have babies.

But for now, I'm focusing on my own future, my education. So I can get a good job, and a good life, and give myself and my kids a good start in life. 

Midnight rant

I'm having a horrible migraine and I cant sleep. So I decided to blog about my new phone and other rants before I bore myself with my topic.

I got this phone last week!!! Well this is not my phone, as I cant take a picture of my phone. But it's the exact same model! I named it Shoashums. It's such a good phone. Honestly, when I had a pda it wasnt of much use to me but this little smartass is like my personal assistant. She is my alarm clock, my camera, my mp3 player, my reminder, my bible, my bible plan, my entertainment, my everything. At some point I dont even bother to turn the computer on because I can just use my phone to do it. Totally love my phone.

I have so much to do tomorrow I dont even know where to start. I have tonnes of work for the next couple months so yes, the migraine is a sign I'm thinking way out of my limits and I need to chill. I dont know how dean list students do it. I can barely make it to 2.0. Maybe I need a plan, and lay of the social networks a bit. The downside of having this phone is I get to Facebook all the time!

My dad gave me $10 for February. I dunno how they think I can manage with that much money =.=
Things between my parents are a little distant at the moment. Mostly because they are eyeing my loan money like vultures...  I know it sounds harsh, but I'd like to use that money to get some nice things for myself. Like makeup, and clothes and shoes. Girly? Yes.. but I am at the stage where I want to look nice, taking care of myself, looking positive, having a positive attitude, and it's always nice to wake up and get dressed up and look nice for uni, coz well, I spend ALL day in uni and I practically have no life in Kampar, and it feels nice to look good in uni. You know...

Sometimes, I want to write a long letter to my parents, and introduce them to me, who I am, who I have become, what I like, what I dislike, basically like a cv, but then I realise unless they open their eyes and heart  and see me, there's nothing I can do except wait and hope.

And I really miss my boyfriend. We havent been together for ages. But he knows who I am, he knows all my moves, all my likes, dislikes, even without me telling him. It's so much easier to love someone when you see them putting the same effort too. I made an effort with my parents. I let them in, I tell them my secrets, I listen to their complains, I put a effort to wear the clothes they like to see me in, I follow the horrendous diet plans they put me in, I tried. But they betrayed my trust, they belittle me, they blame me for their mistakes. All that. And so I decided, who wants such negativity? And yea, I'm keeping away from them. I feel like life is too short to go around in circles and regret and whine about every misfortune. It's ok to feel that way, but you cannot let yourself immerse in that sadness, or it will get to you. Trust me. It got to me.

So I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude about everything now. Its working for me. And yes now I'm sleepy... I think I bore myself. Tomorrow is a long day, as every day turns out to be. haha.

xoxo

Weekend Rant :D

I'm back!!!

So, I went back home for a long weekend/short holiday. I must say, it was pretty nice. I absolutely love being with my new family. And my boyfriend is so sweet. Yes, he hated the hair and his housemate was cheeky and teased me. Oh, yea.. I cut my hair and I coloured it!! Wanna see?

Ignore the bra strap lol

haha!! New year, new colour. But bf didnt like the sides shaved too much! I like it though. But he gave me a lecture about it and it made me think. How I look, should portray the person I am, and this girl in the picture looks hardcore, rugged and not at all the classy Biomedical Science student who wants to be an overachiever and the model student she yearns to be. And also, the look makes me unapproachable. Which is the opposite of what I want. I want to be approachable!!

Anyhoo, I really liked my weekend. Slept like a baby, pampered like a Queen and ate like a pig.

Now that I am back in Kampar, it's all business. And no more games. But as usual, I'm on facebook trolling.
And I saw and read the new post by Lauren titled 'We are abominations". Something I really want you to read, and get an insight on. My boyfriend and I share very different views on homosexuality. He insists that it is an abomination, and honestly I dont know how to argue with him. Because I am not sure myself. I am bisexual myself and I cannot help how I feel about girls and boys alike, and I dont know if that is wrong or that is right. All I know is that God accepts us all. So I stick to that part. Reading Lauren's post made it so much clearer for me to explain why I accept my LGBT members without any judgement. It was like she read my mind and put it into words. So I am sharing this with you. I agree with what she said and I am not ashamed of it. Call me blasphemous, judge my faith, or you can agree with me.

And another thing is, I always have people asking me, why I am dating an African. And why I never date or consider dating a Malaysian, especially my own race. Easiest example is today. Today is Thaipusam. The whole Indian lot is outside celebrating the death of the demon and the victory of god. Great. But Indian guys!!! What's with the whole rowdism??? Honestly I cannot stand the attitude of my generation. Not to label everyone as the same but the majority of Indian boys today put me to shame. I was actually proud that I looked more African than Indian today. Tamil movies influences and the likes of actions heros like Vijay and Ajith is honestly dragging the indian generation down. Have you guys ever heard of classy? I was waiting for my train and holy mother of pizza I got so many cat calls and wolf howlings and some of them thought I was a foreigner and started talking so lewdly I had to put on my bitch stare face the whole time. On the contrary, while I was buying food from one of the fast food joints there, an African guy with his girl, politely offered me his place on queue when he saw me with big bags and stuff. And a group of African guys offered me a place to sit outside Dunkin donuts so I can sit my ass down and wait for the train. When I go to Nilai, yes, the Africans there flirt, but they are so polite and friendly and non threatening at all that you dont panic and start looking for the nearest police station or a crowded shop to hide in like I do when I see Indian guys. Indians, you belong to one of the greatest empires of all. You are known for your intelligence, your creativity, culture and wonderful genes. Dont dumb it down because some idiot on tv does it with the help of ropes and a drunk script writer. And dont behave like thugs. Not classy, and you're ruining your future. And dont take it the wrong way. I'm not ashamed of being an Indian girl. I consider myself lucky to be an Indian and I'm damn proud of being one, and no matter what nobody can take that away from me. But honestly, how are we portraying ourselves to the world? As Malaysians. As Malaysian Indians. I want people to hear the word 'Indian' and go "wow".. not eww..
And so, that's the end of my rant. And also the beginning of hell. Need to clean my room and prepare for tomorrow. 

Shopping!!!

Today I went shopping. Yup. Shopping. I havent gone in more than a year. I wanted to get some things. And I wanted to do what other people normally do lol. I love shopping, but usually I window shop, which sucks because I never buy anything and then I come home and google it and look at it. Today I went shopping and I came home with bags of stuff. I would have bought more, but bie says I should not be extravagant so I didnt. I only bought what I really truly wanted and what I needed. Here, I took pictures with Shoashums, my new Xperia Mini Pro. She has been with me for 3 days now. And she's very cute. Love my phone.

What I bought.

Make up. My very first palette, cream eyeliner and liquid eyeliner from Majorlica Majora, concealer to cover up my dark circles, and my favourite smell in the whole world: Playboy Vegas!!! (I know its a boy's perfume but FU I like it)

2012 planner, Your 100day Prayer and another old christian book that was unwanted but I got it anyway because it is a very encouraging book. 

More earrings. Filled all my piercings, even re-pierced one myself without knowing. Ouch!

New SHOES!!! There is another one, but it's downstairs. I wore it the whole day. 

I also bought a work jacket and 2 new bags, but I'm too lazy to get up, hang them somewhere and take pictures. 

I think I'm set for the whole year. My contacts come on Saturday(Finally the world in High Definition again!). 

I'm just a little sad I didnt get to share my day with anyone. I never shopped with anyone before. I mean, I do go out with friends but its not like I buy anything. I still remember going out with Mindy, she wanted to get jeans. All I did was stand in a corner and check people out. But I will never forget that day. She was my best friend then. :) Now she is a mummy hehe. 

I know I should sleep, and wake up for class tomorrow on time but I'm too excited I wanna stare at my things a little more!

xoxo