Finals week

I just woke up from a nap. This is Finals week and I just had my second paper this morning. I did ok, but when I think back of all the effort I put in, I feel like I deserve an A..But that's not going to happen because the paper wasn't good enough for an A. And that's a very disappointing feeling, because this semester, I have been working my ass of. And studying hours and hours until I have fallen terribly sick. And yet, it just isnt good enough... Sorta disappointing. 

But I guess I have to be grateful, because I know that my grades will be better this semester than it has ever been since I started university. And it's a step forward. 

Overall, this semester has been good. I have my third paper on Wednesday, so I should start studying in a while.

You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

Bore you

Hey peeps :)

It's finally study week. Which means no more classes, just the mental torture of ramming 5 subjects worth of facts into my brain. Today, was more of a sad day. Yesterday was a bit crazy. I had a mini breakdown in front of some random lecturers because of the hellhole my lecturer caused me. I was running around collecting assignments and booking training sessions and seeing the whole process through because she wasn't cut out for her job. And the last straw came yesterday when I was so sleep deprived and angry and she failed to turn up to get the 44 assignments from me. I wont go into details but I ended up very tired yesterday. Today was more of a pity party for myself because I went to Tesco and wanted to  get some clothes but realized nothing fit me well. Well, I'm almost out of this nonsense and I think I shall go have a bath in a while and get my room cleaned and get my studying moving.

This semester I have Genetics, Endocrinology, English, Molecular Biology, and Protein and Proteomics. Ethics is not in my finals. Next semester I will be taking Clinical Biochemistry, Virology, Neurobiology, Immunology and Interpersonal Communication. Excited about next semester :)

I really have nothing much to say nowadays. It's the same old same old. Classes, studying, midterms, assignments, finals, once a day call with boyfie and more studying. I havent seen my man since February and its killing me. Also I have started to hate weekends and holidays because I have become a workaholic and too much rest is detrimental to my sanity.

I'm hoping next semester I have more things to say. I should start making a list of all I want to accomplish before next sem is over.

Love you guys. Sorry for the bore story. I'll come up with new things to talk about hopefully.

xoxo

My wish list

I'm in such a cuddle mood today, mostly because my room is clean and cold and it's raining out there and everything is so... cuddle mode!!

I have been watching this person for a few hours now!!! DivaDarlingChic is soo adorable!!!! I really liked watching his(her? sorry I'm not sure how to address you) videos!!! Check the videos out!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/DivaDarlingChic

Anyways, DivaDarlingChic inspired me to think about stuff I want. You know me, I'm crazy about stuff. And so I have come up with a few things that I desperately want and hopefully I can get them next semester :)

1) Scented candles!!
“Odors have a power of persuasion stronger than that of words, appearances, emotions, or will. The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breath into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it.”  - Patrick Suskind, Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. 

I especially love this quote from my all time favourite book and movie , Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. My favourite scents are candy, sandalwood, and lilac or lavender like smells. I dont really like fruity or citrus-y smells though. I tend to gravitate to the sweet candy like scents. And I really really wanted scented candles, coz I feel like they would make me calmer when I'm studying or relaxing.

2)Victoria Secret Products!

I just absolutely love their products. And while the swimwear and lingeries have to wait for a bit (someone's a little pudgy muahahaha), I want to deck my dresser's counter top with all this awesome products!!

Supersoft body lotion in Sweet and flirty (Vs)

Deep-softening body butter in Enchant in Secret Charm and Tempt in Wild Scarlet(Vs)

Pink With a Splash all over Body Mist in Warm and Cozy

3) A nice make up set to play with and learn new looks and be more girly and less... potato. 

4) Really nice,fitting and affordable clothes 

5)SCHWARZKOPF Osis Texture-Rock HArd Extreme Glue. For those days where the girly girly look doesnt suit the beast inside and the monster comes to play from within muahahahahaha. I miss my mohawk!!

This is all I can think of at the moment. Of course, Id want more. But this would be my first list to work on :)

xoxo

Thoughts are flames. Let me show you how they burn

Something happened when I was in my First year first sem. I felt like all the anger and fury and rebellious nature blowing up, and I found people who enabled me. I was a force to be reckoned with, in a bad way. It wasnt a surprise when I found out that a lot of people didnt like me in my first semester. A lot of people disdained me. I was loud, I was fearless, annoying and there was no filter in my mouth. I wore what I liked, I didnt care about the university system, I did what I liked and when I liked it. I was loud and crazy. I wasnt what you called a Science student. If you saw me back then, you would bet I was a soon to be dropout. I called myself badass and I had no preferance for rules. I was amazing in my own demented way. Yea, that's the word. I was demented.

It cost me a lot. It cost me friendship, good grades, first impressions, good influences. People talked about me in uni and it wasnt in a good way. It almost cost me my future.

The thing was, I was all those things, but I expressed them in a brutally negative way. It took me almost 2 years and a lot of drama and life lessons to get my life story straight. To be on the right path. I think I am on it right now. I am still fearless. But fearless for the right reasons. I have learnt the power of words, and I can safely say I have a filter in my mouth and after months of 'brutal' training from my boyfie I have learnt when to say what. I make the university system work for me, instead of blindly going against it just cause, and I have learnt when to be this and when to be that. I am still loud and crazy, but for the right reasons. I dress well in uni and if you look at me now, you would think I was some kind of A list student. I still call myself a badass. I still am. But I have learnt on what to be a badass at.

A lot has changed in 3 years. And there's still another year left. And soon I will be a working adult. And metamorphosis more. Change for the better. Be better. Be badass