Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.
So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.
After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=
And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.
And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.
And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=
So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.
After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.
And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.
And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=
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