For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
These are very common scriptures that we hear a lot, and one of the earliest Promises of God that we learn about when we accept Christ into our lives. In fact, I heard so much of these two promises that they became mundane to me, and everytime I heard it, I scoffed and ignored it. "Yea yea, I have heard it. Same old, same old". I really got sick and tired of hearing people say that to me.
You see, all my life, I have lived in uncertainty. We never knew what was going to happen next. My parents didnt know about planning and budgeting and very often I would hear my mum and dad fight because there was no money left for next week. When I graduated high school, running away with my then boyfriend was the only option because my parents couldnt send me to uni and I really wanted the big crazy wonderful life I often dreamt about. Every plan I made did not work out. I always felt like I was stumbling through life and there was nothing much that could be done to stop it. Everytime when I make something good happen, there will be obstructions, downfalls, failure.
So I didnt really believe that God would promise me such a thing. I felt like all He wanted to do was swat my hopes and dreams and make me into His 'Christian puppet' and turn me into a robot.
Well, that's what listening to a hundred people about God will do to you without learning about Him yourself.
So I decided to erase every idea I had of Him and start new. And for the past few months, God gave me the opportunity to learn the real meaning of these two promises He had given me. Well, I didnt see it that way first. The first few weeks were spend in dismay and total devastation. I had to give up the things that were most precious to me, so I thought them to be. And after a while I learnt about something, something that further made me feel hopeless about my life and future because I had it all perfectly planned out, and now its getting distorted.
I was very angry with God, I yelled at Him, I cried a lot. I started reading Psalms after Lauren advised me to, and I still remember sobbing out the words every night until my very feather like paged bible started to blotch with tears. And then, these two scriptures came into mind. They always did. I didnt know the exact words, or which part of the bible they were from( i had forgotten my scriptures), but they always nudged me in my heart. Whether when I'm on the bus to uni or walking home, when I'm studying or just mindlessly lying on my bed. And I started to question Him, what do you want me to understand out of this? I need to know.
And slowly I begin to get it.
Every time I start out on something, I run around in circles. Whether its with friends, or relationships or just plain attitude. I run around in circles, get hurt and end up at the same spot as before, because I never looked to God for the right way home. I looked to the world. To be in a popular group, to be badass, to be this, to be that. I looked to the world. And it would have worked alright for me if I was not directly connected to God through Christ. I would just run around everywhere until I found my footing. But I am the lame little one, whom God said, you are Mine. When I said yes to Him 4 years ago, I immediately became one of His. I have a direct line to His plans for me.
God has made an amazing plan for me. He didnt create me just because He had too much time on His hands, He chose me, He made me, and He gave me my name and He made a whole wonderful plan for my life. And it would be the life I desired. He put those desires in me. I mean, He planned everything so perfectly so that I get to live an amazing life here. I know so, because I see a lot of people who are enjoying life to the fullest because they listen to Him and I also have seen many people struggle all their life even they dont look like they deserve it because they dont listen to Him.
So, for the first time, in years, I'm not scared of His plans for me. If I have to let go of things/people who are so precious to me, so be it. I am not scared of His desires for me, because I know those thoughts He thinks towards me are perfect in everyway. Even if it doesnt seem that way first, even when my heart breaks, even if I have to spend a few rough years, its ok with me. And I accept. Because I choose to take delight in Him. I choose His companionship over anything else in this world because it is so much easier for me to accept unfailing love. I am the broken one, the unwanted baby, the dejected daughter, the rejected friend, the one people like to push away. I am God's limp little lamb so its so much easier for me to accept my brokenness and my failure and take comfort in His love. I still question God about a lot of things. I still run away from His presence at times. I am not miraculously changed and holy now. I'm still a very broken human being but my desire is to please God, and if that is my desire and He will mold my desires to match his. And I am pretty sure I wont be missing out on life.
I suppose this is my first step forward. I trust God completely. I trust Him and I trust His Promises. I completely trust Him. There's not doubt in that.
0 comments:
Post a Comment