To Forgive and Forget

I dont like the idea of getting married. Never been a big fan. Even when me and bie were having the fairytale fantasies about our lives(well, we still do), I saw a wedding as a quick stop to the registrars in wacky clothes and signing the deal. Never was a big fan of weddings either. I think it's because I have spent my whole life watching my parents in such a loveless relationship, sometimes I think they are just sticking it out together because of the financial dependency on one another and also for me. I couldnt live in a marriage like that. I'd run. I also am scared that if I get married, I would put God second and my family first and I would never have the amazing relationship with God that I dream of so often. 

Feel very sorry for my parents though. They could have had such an amazing relationship, if they put the past away and learn to live as God told them to. It's not really that difficult. Just forgive each other. Forgive each other for the spoken words, the hurtful actions, the blaming game, the hurt, everything. Forgive. Even when you dont feel like it. Even when you are still fuming. Just say you forgive, and tell God "I forgive this person. I dont want to, but I am going to do it anyway".

 Second, accept each other as they are. We always enter a relationship, and we see flaws and we think "oh he/she will change" Thats NEVER going to happen. Unless they change themselves. Just accept your other half for all the flaws and weaknesses, and tell yourself,"This is it". Accept it. And learn to love it. My dad loves shopping for clothes, even if he doesnt have the money to. And he likes being extravagant. Accept it. 

Third, try to see them in a different light. After 26 years of marriage, I think its going to be difficult, but just see them differently. When I see them as parents, I get angry, hurt, upset and dissapointed. But when I see them as people, I see a little girl who never got any attention from her mum either, who was disappointed by her brothers telling her what she could not do.I see a little boy losing his dad as such a young age, not being loved by his mother, being betrayed by his uncles(they stole his college fund to pay for their son's college), having such high dreams(my dad wanted to be a doctor), but ending up in a post office, and then the Government printers. Having his first wife cheat on him, etc. And, suddenly every hurt and pain they have inflicted on me, goes away. I dont blame them. I blame life. 

They should open up and see each other the same way too. Every action, has a story behind it. Fourth, learn to love like Christ loves us. My boyfriend, is very good at this. I am stubborn, and I live in the air where giants and mermaids and leprechauns exist. He is a realist. I have trouble taking care of myself, I so stupid things and sometimes I say hurtful things to defend myself before I get hurt(it's a defensive thing). But he, loves me with an iron fist. He doesnt apologize, but he explains why it happened, and what I should do. He compromises with me, a lot. And when I'm around him he takes really good care of me. It helps a lot, to just ask how they are doing, or go to church together. Maybe even a slight touch to the shoulder, or tell them what happened that day, just to connect. My parents never do this. They are so detached with one another. 

Marriage is something beautiful. I know it, coz I know what it's like to be alone, with somebody and also be with somebody and yet feel isolated. Its very beautiful to be able to share lives with someone. But its also devastating when love is lost. 

Marriage still scares me. Maybe I'm too young to be sure. Maybe someday I will be ready for it. Maybe I'm fine just the way I am.