Back to Church

Hello... Its a quiet Saturday. Well Saturday is gone. Its Sunday now. I, am still procrastinating on my work because my ovaries are throwing their monthly tantrums at me and I couldnt be bothered to get out of bed muahahaha. However, the week has been wonderful to me, and I gained a lot of insight on a lot of things. For starters, I went back to church. This thought has been bugging me for ages and I finally got the guts to go back to church. Needless to say, it was like I never left. I am definitely going back next week. And the next, and the next... always.

I also added my cousin on Facebook. Well, I blocked her out of seeing my posts and pictures but she's there. Reading her statuses and posts made me realise something. Something about myself actually. I try too hard to go against the norm. It's not a bad thing, but it's just that, I realised I do that. I dont want to be associated with a certain stereotype, a certain trend. I want to be seen as different. I want to be accepted by everyone. I actually sorta disliked the fact that my cousin keeps posting scriptures and telling people 'dont do this' and 'dont do that'. I felt like, well... if you were a nonbeliever, and someone just came and threw bible words at you without even knowing or acknowledging who you are, would you accept or even try to understand what that Christian is trying to tell you?

I read this on tumblr today
“The modern church does not worship idols of gold or stone, she worships the gods of human effort and will power. Morality has become our Molech and and behavior our Ba’al, while the person and work of Christ is strangely missing from our messages, meetings and media.”

— Jeff Turner, Revival or Riots

I have to agree with Jeff. In my family, faith is determined by human effort and will power. And well, as we all know, I am not accepted by my family because my morales differ from theirs and my behavior is not seen as acceptable. But in my few years with Christ, I still dont understand why I have to act, talk and behave a certain way to be seen as a Christian. When I do something, or talk a certain way, people (family) assume I have lost my faith. I do not believe in going around and telling people the 'laws' of God. I do not believe in telling people they are wrong and they have to turn back before they are condemned to hell. If it was me, I want someone to accept me for who I was, sinner and blasphemer, and love that person. I would want to know what kind of God would love someone like me. I would want that knowledge to lead me towards turning back. That's what happened to me. I wasnt moved at all by this lady who always came to my house and told me I was a sinner. What moved me into knowing God was the love my church and my youth group showed towards me. Picking me up from my house, sending me home, inviting me to their house for sleepovers and taking me out shopping and doing fun things with me when in truth, they didnt have to, because I was of no gain. Them, doing that changed my view about God. If their love of God could move them to love someone like me, then this God must be different. And so I learnt about Him. And I wanted Him in my life.

But still, even with my principles, I still havent figured out how to move from that first step of accepting people and not judging them. I dont know how to tell them, my God is amazing and you should come find out for yourself. That is also part of the reason why, I went back to church. I guessed, as much as I loved God, my knowledge of him was still sparse. And maybe if I knew God more, I would know how to reach out to people. And if I knew the Holy Spirit more, I would learn how to listen to His directions when reaching out.

It's not wrong to be flawed. It's not wrong to have weaknesses. It's not wrong to be wrong. What is wrong is hiding it from God and behaving like everything is ok. Coz if everything is ok, you would not need Him. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am weak and useless without Him. But with Him in my life, I see myself doing great things.