Missing you

I'm missing you more than usual today. I miss your touch, your smell, your warmth, your skin. I miss your hugs and your kisses and your presence. I miss everything more than usual. I cant believe I'm not there right now. I miss you a lot. I cant wait to come home. I miss home. 

Africa

Studying at home is not constructive at all. I wander of into doing stupid things like 9gag mostly( oh internet why do you exist?). I think I'm going to go study at the library later today.
Someday I want to move to Africa. It's one of my options. New York sounds awesome and cheesy but I will get bored quickly and seriously I rather go to Africa. And it's not because I am in a relationship with an African. I just love everything about Africa. I love its people, its culture, the food, nature, language,everything. I crave for Egwusi soup, and I have no idea how to do it, or I will be eating it everyday. My favourite author is from South Africa, go figure :) I grew up reading about Africa. About the wonders of Ethiopia and Zimbabwe and wars and tribes and culture rich people. Wilbur Smith really influenced the way I thought. And I'm forever grateful to him about that.

I love Africa.

Books Galore!

I kinda realised today why I dont read anymore although books are my life. You see, I'm doing a Science course in a 'hardcore' uni and my course is 3 years as opposed to the usual 4 other unis offer. So, all my time is spent of facts and the 'mechanics of life'. Which, in my opinion has left very little room for fiction in my head. so that is why I lose interest in movies and fictional books I suppose. Maybe. 


But I visited my uni library today to inquire about something and ended up with 4 books, which I'm going to be keeping till next semester. The 4 books are:

1. Survival of the sickest by Dr. Sharon Moalem
   - Its a 'medical maverick that discovers why we need diseases', well that is what it says here on the cover. Its mostly about why deadly diseases are bred into our genetic code and I think its very fascinating because I am taking genetics next semester and this book will hopefully jumpstart my interest in genetics. (because I tend to lose interest with tough subjects)
   
   
   
   
2. Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
   - This book is a must read for me, because it's part of my boyfie's heritage and also the main protagonists are from his tribe, the Igbo people and according to the reviews online, it is the type of book I can sink myself into. This is what it says in a review from Amazon.com. A masterly, haunting new novel from a writer heralded by The Washington Post Book World as “the 21st-century daughter of Chinua Achebe,” Half of a Yellow Sun re-creates a seminal moment in modern African history: Biafra’s impassioned struggle to establish an independent republic in Nigeria in the 1960s, and the chilling violence that followed. 
   
               With astonishing empathy and the effortless grace of a natural storyteller, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie weaves together the lives of three characters swept up in the turbulence of the decade. Thirteen-year-old Ugwu is employed as a houseboy for a university professor full of revolutionary zeal. Olanna is the professor’s beautiful mistress, who has abandoned her life of privilege in Lagos for a dusty university town and the charisma of her new lover. And Richard is a shy young Englishman in thrall to Olanna’s twin sister, an enigmatic figure who refuses to belong to anyone. As Nigerian troops advance and the three must run for their lives, their ideals are severely tested, as are their loyalties to one another.
   
   
   
3. 
   The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
   -I loved the title, so I grabbed it. This review on the back cover caught my eye. "It is rare to find a book that so effectively cuts through the clothes of nationality,caste,and religion to reveal the bare bones of humanity. a sensational novel"
   I have a fascination for those things, because in the end, it is those things that separates us humans, nothing else. And I'm guessing this book is going to be awesome  to read
   
   
   
   
4. Tales from the Bed by Jenifer Estess-This book is a personal account of a woman suffering from ALS. I actually have no idea what ALS is, but I shall google it later on, and I thought I should borrow it after reading the back cover of the book. This is what it says on the back.
   
   
   
   Six years ago, doctors told Jenifer that she had ALS, and to max out her credit cards, take a long trip, and prepare to die. She could have taken doctors' orders. Instead, Jenifer chose to fight for her dreams with renewed courage. She became a soldier in the fight against ALS by drawing on survival skills she learned when she and her sisters were girls.Jenifer wrote from her queen-sized bed in Manhattan, where, as a paralyzed woman facing her mortality, she saw the world. TALES FROM THE BED tells her story of growing up in a typically dysfunctional American family; of her descent into illness; of hilarious, surprising, and heartbreaking encounters with friends and family, lovers, and celebrities; and of her and her sisters' fight to save her life.

And so, 4 books to read during the semester break(which gives boyfie a lot of 'me time' without yours truly 'attacking' him :D

Can't wait to start reading :)

xoxo

To rest on me

Mt. Eden & Ruby Frost - Oh That I Had

Powered by mp3skull.com

I love you. Cant you see? I'm trying to mold to fit into yours. I love you. 

Angry Rant

My mum sent me a text message she sent to my cousin sister, who is involved with a US army guy. Apparently, according to my mum, army guys are known to have HIV and she has to check his background and what not. I mean, SERIOUSLY MUM!!!!?????? Anyone can have HIV, that's not the point. The point is, where my mum meddles with everyone's life because of her all too active paranoia(and hyperchondria) and ruins everyone's hopes and dreams. Mine included. Being raised by her, I have developed a habit of second guessing myself, always, and always doubtful of everything. In my world, there is always a worse case scenario and worse case scenarios always happen. I really feel sorry for my cousin. She is in her late 40s, 50s maybe and she finally found someone who loves her, and now she is going to doubt him and her love and everything is just going to be shitty.

I dont love my parents anymore. I care for my dad, and I carry around the duty of caring for my mum. And I will take care of them till the end, but I dont love them. And I think the feeling's mutual. Once I told my mum about bie, and she hounded me with hundreds of texts telling me derogatory things about African men, and I just told her I broke it of with him, just to shut her up. For reasons, I will never tell my mum about my relationships, my life, anything. I dont even know if I want her at my wedding(if it happens...) . I just dont want her around in my life. I havent really had a good start in life, and I'm trying to find this thing they call happiness and I dont want her ruining my life with sadness and failure like emotions and then spend the other rest of my life fixing the damage she has done.

I just dont really like her. I dont yearn for her love or anything like that. I dont even like her touching me. I just dont love her anymore. The damage has already been done. It cant be fixed anymore. 

Breaking Dawn Music+Lyrics.

Currently swooning to the Breaking Dawn soundtrack(I did mention it was good) and thinking about my darling(whom I pissed of slightly hours ago) and missing him so badly.

So for those who are lazy to go look for the songs, and lyrics, here you go lazy butts :P



Lyrics | The Joy Formidable - End Tapes lyrics



Lyrics | Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz - Cold lyrics



Lyrics | Angus & Julia Stone - Love Will Take You lyrics



Lyrics | Bruno Mars - It Will Rain lyrics



Lyrics | Sleeping At Last - Turning Page lyrics



Lyrics | The Features - From Now On lyrics



Lyrics | Christina Perri - A Thousand Years lyrics



Lyrics | Theophilus London - Neighbors lyrics



Lyrics | The Belle Brigade - I Didn’t Mean It lyrics



Lyrics | Noisettes - Sister Rosetta lyrics



Lyrics | Cider Sky - Northern Lights lyrics



Lyrics | Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth lyrics



Lyrics | Imperial Mammoth - Requiem On Water lyrics



Lyrics | Mia Maestro - Llovera lyrics

My favourite songs are A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, Requiem on Water by Imperial Mammoth, Turning Page from Sleeping At Last, Northern Lights by Cider Sky, and Cold by Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz. All awesome songs in my opinion

I love you

And though your arms and legs are under. 

Love will be the echo in your ears when all is lost and plunder.. 

My love will be there still

I love you. You know that right? I'm sorry for being childish. I know I make myself look like a big grown up more often than I should. But you know I'm far from it. More often I'm a frightened little child who wants to be around you all the time. I'm not afraid of losing you. I know we will be together, for a very long time. But I'm afraid of circumstances.


I love you. I cannot imagine a life without you in it. Do you understand what I mean when I say that? I cannot imagine living without you. Your love is all I want.

Your love is my turning page. 

Only the sweetest words remain. 

Every kiss is a cursive line 

Every touch is a redefining phrase. 

I surrender who I've been for who you are 

Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours. 

I would have known what I've been living for all along 

What I've been living for

Breaking Dawn Review

Title says it all. 


Intro to  the day first =.=
Today has been a very hectic day today. I didnt sleep last night, studied for my midterm, went to uni at 7am for my midterm and walked all the way to Bandar Baru to get myself into a cyber cafe so I can pre-register for next semester. Pre-registering in UTAR is worse than the final exam jitters, because my darling uni has <--this much--> bandwidth from its mainserver, and <----------------this many----------------> students. So, every semester, we deal with lagging, getting kicked out by the servers and many other issues, and sometimes we dont get the subject we want. Bummer. Anyway, got my timetable done, and went to Ipoh. To watch Breaking Dawn. 


You see, I started reading the books when the first Twilight movie came out. Actually, ages after that. I didn't actually become a Twihard fan but I love reading. So I read all 4 books. And my favourite was the last one, Breaking Dawn. 


So, imagine my excitement when I found out Breaking Dawn is showing in Ipoh. I got my tickets online, printed every 'document' possible, and went to Ipoh although my ovaries have decided their monthly rebel against me, and I was dead tired and nauseous from all the Redbull I drank. 


Oh yes, I was excited. But, by the end of the movie, I wanted to tear the screen up with my barely there fingernails and run amok at the theater. Or throw a used tampon. Something, anything. I was so angry and upset when  the movie ended. It was like watching a badly made remake by a group of First year theater students who had too much time in their hands. 


The movie stuck close to the book. Good. But the overload of puns and the comedy effect was degrading to the book's original theme. Especially the part where they show Bella turn into a vampire. Her broken ribs inflated, like a sudden boobjob, and a scene that in my head was exhilarating and mindblowing, was reduced into a big joke, in which the whole crowd laughed while I face-palmed countless times. And Renesmee... Seriously!? CGI has gotten a lot better since the first Star Trek franchise started.  They could have done a lot better. And when Jacob imprints on Renesmee, it didnt have the feel of the imprint effect. He says this to Bella, 


"It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like...gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her...You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."


Nope, I didnt see that happen. I just saw his knees buckle under him. The way I pictured it in my head when I read it, Jacob's whole life flashes before him and to a sudden halt, it all ends in her eyes, with nothing but void elsewhere. Something like that. Then he can buckle, or do whatever the hell he wants to. 


And Kristen Stewart did an amazing job at being, well very void of facial expressions. Although kudos to her for trying harder this time. And Robert Pattinson managed to have his infamous constipated look. A lot. Although kudos to him too, he tried harder this time. I love these two actors. They ARE amazing. You should see RPatz in How to Be and Remember Me. He was really good. But I dont know what the hell happened here. But I must say, Stewart was really good at playing dead. She pulled it of. Blank eyes, awesome make up, very dead. 


The only thing, I loved as I did in the other three installments were the soundtrack. Twilight has always had amazing soundtrack and I loved it! In my opinion, the only way I could connect all those feelings and emotions I had when reading the books to the movie was the songs. I still remember listening to "White Demon" by The Killers(From Twilight:New Moon) over and over again while studying for my finals. I can still close my eyes and smell my old room, the dim study light, the pain I felt back then, the atmosphere. And Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years" sung for the latest installment fit perfectly into the theme of the whole franchise. 


Overall, it was a badly made movie make of a badly written book originating from a amazingly wonderful theme. 


If you read the books, you will know what I am saying. I thank God for giving me the imagination of a hundred crazies. Of course, reading it, I felt the vampire logic was very of. I mean,c'mon... sparkly vampires with literally marble-like bodies? Wont Edward be having a stiff-on all the godamn time then? (Never thought about that did you Meyer?). And being a virgin for a hundred years? Logic (1) Blood, is always associated with lust, the lust of life, the lust of being alive, the lust of all things. Sex included. (2) He drank human blood before when he was a rebelling young vampire (3)seriously?? But no literature discrimination here. I loved how the story revolved around one thing though. Love. 


Not "Oh I love you because you're so hot!" or "I love you because you're so wonderful to me" or "Lemme cheat on my lover because he loves me so much he will forgive me anyway" love. 
It was about a monster, a monster who knew he was one, who thought he had no soul, and the inability to love and a girl, clumsy, awkward and never fitted into her world with all the 'normalcy'. Edward lived a hundred years, and to live that long, without someone to call you their own, someone to belong to. I have only lived for 22 years and I'm already feeling the pain of a possibly being forever alone. And suddenly his sister tells him about this girl, misfit in their world who will take over his. Imagine that feeling... I imagine it to be like something, filling up your every void, every hole, nook, cranny. Filling everything up and making you whole. A reason to live for after being 'dead' for a hundred years. A hundred years of seeing everyone feel that sort of completement, and now it was his time. A sort of love that made your eyes glaze over everytime you look at her/him. The sort of love where your heart keeps searching for their presence and all you wanna do is be close, and feel their warmth, their breath, their aura, their essence... everything. The love where wrong or right doesnt exist but they do, and everything they are and they do is perfect, and heart breaking at the same point. And you feel like you have died everyday waiting for them(quote C.Perri), and you feel like you have loved them even before you existed.  And for hers. Someone made for her a hundred years ago, and made to wait for her. To live for her alone. That sort of love only lives in ink and paper, not in the hearts of 'modern men'. 


So, it was a very wonderful theme. But everyone else ruined it. 


Thank you =.=
Totally ruined the movie I created in my head reading all those ink on paper. 


=.=

Self inflicting insomniac

I cant sleep =.=
More like T.T

I'm naturally a hyper person. Boyfie claims it to be a miracle when I actually WANT to go to bed or eat. I rarely take my own iniative to do those two things on my own. Especially when I'm in Nilai. Usually he just gives up and goes to bed himself, because I will follow him. Or make food and force me to eat.

BUT I NEED TO SLEEP!!! I will be tired later today, but hyper(still) because I have a very hyper day tomorrow. DAMN YOU SLEEP!!!

Maybe I should buy some aromatherapy candles? If my budget allows. I dont have much to work with.

Sleep Mohawk, sleep.. NOOO!!! HYPER!

Studying in UTAR

Just got home from dinner. Dinner was good. I got to hang out with very politically inclined people. Muahahha. And I saw some buffaloes up close! Was awesome! Bie didnt sound so good when I called him after dinner. I dunno why. He will tell me, sooner or later. I just hope it's not something catastrophic. I cannot deal with catastrophic at the moment.

Anyhoo, I should start writing tips and ideas about living and studying in UTAR. This semester, I have gotten to know many of my darling juniors and oh my gosh! I feel so motherly towards them. I just wanna help everyone out!!! Especially the Biomedical Science students. In my opinion, we have the toughest system. Tough subjects, and we have a minimum of 5 subjects a semester, all piled up, we start exams early, and we end them late. We have tonnes of lab and lab reports, not to mention assignments and presentations! Gosh!!!

Studying in UTAR is not easy. And its a very delicate balance between having a life and also excelling in studies, overdo one and that's it! Kantoi!

Then become like this.

Anyhoo, I'm thinking me needs to go study for tomorrow's midterm.

xoxo

Cookie Monsters :)

Tomorrow we will register for out next semester timetable. And seeing as I will get my loan, I have decided to jam 7 subjects into my 'pitiful' life muahahahaha. This is what I am taking next semester.

Molecular Biology
Proteins and Proteomics
Endocrinology
Genetics
English for Science
Ethics, Professional and Social Issues
Professional Ethics and Manners

LOOKS A LOT RIGHT???? I KNOW!!!!

But English for Science, and the two other Ethics subject will go by in a breeze. Those are subjects related to the social world, so I'm not worried about them. I have 4 Science Majors, which I'm freaking out about. I shall pester my seniors to give me their notes muahahahahaha

Excited about next sem, and hey last semester I took 6 subjects(well I did drop one, but that's because my lack of concentration blew because of some idiots I gave my life to). I will prevail next semester!!! (thank you so much for not being my friends anymore. You gave me back my life!)

Omnomnomnomnom

Little Ramble

I'm very inclined to write nowadays. It has a calming effect on me. I had a lazy day,apart from early this morning which was extremely fun. Otherwise, a lazy day. Sometimes, lazy days are good :)

I'm going to watch Breaking Dawn at the cinema theater on Saturday. I bought my tickets already, online :) YAY ME!! Saturday is going to be hectic, because I have a midterm, then rush to my pre registration, and then rush to Ipoh for my movie before 3.50pm.

Missing boyfie to bits. He called me today, in his very rarely heard mushy voice... missing me too. I asked him what he wanted to Christmas and he said loads of strawberries and apples! DONE! I shall get him loads when I go there.

I feel very sleepy... Maybe I should go to bed, or should I wait till 12am so I check out my timetable preview... hmm. Decisions,decisions... 

Happy Days

Its 6.29am, and I'm finally of to bed after obsessing about hair wigs and cosplay. I only like Cosplay for its wigs ok? Dont get me wrong. Lol. I had an amazing time with Hamara. We sat at the bus stop for 4 hours talking about everything it was great. He is a very nice guy. Came back home to see a friend request from Lauren Dubinsky (see my link) and a person called Avis. Chatted with them for a while, it was great too!!! Scrapbooked a little, Lauren gave me an amazing quote "What we focus on, expands," and omg its so true!!
Found a picture of a girl with amazingly done eyeliner, I had to put that picture in my book before I forgot. Here is the picture. DIBS DIBS! lol...

 And then looked for wigs. I personally like my mohawk hair(though its not much of a mohawk now) and I would never grow my hair or make it long, since my hair doesnt grow very well once its past my shoulders. But I like long hair too, and long hair goes well with some looks, and I'm not conservative about anything, so WIGS IT IS!!!

I also saw a picture of a cosplay wig that I absolutely love!

Apparently is a wig inspired by Kaito(whoever that is), and I love the electric blue. always did. Dibs on this wig!

And now I shall go to bed so I can be awake for my class. Had to cancel my appointment with my counselor because I dont think I can wake up for my 11am appointment. I'd be dead. Moral of this story--> always sleep early!

Totally worth it though. I had a great day, and it isnt even dawn yet

Miu Miu

Today's been real quiet.
My body is still sore from walking to uni. Yes, I have started walking to uni.
And I have done nothing much. Just sorting out my whole course structure, since I messed it up with my First year first semester's major fail. Proud to say I havent failed any papers since, and my grade has been on a steady rise.

I have been checking out cosmetics. Oh yes I have. I dont really wear make up. Unless I am in the 'grunge' mode, then the eyeliner comes out to play, and sometimes Elianto's black eyeshadow. But that's about it. But I really wanna look like a girl, not a punk rock chic.

I have been eyeing this for a while though.

It's by Stila, and I really like the colours, and I thought maybe next semester I can glam up a little. It's quite expensive though but next semester I have some money to spare and I shall get it.

I met this girl online, Ivie, on Tumblr and we have been sharing diet tips and being accountable to one another.
She's really nice. I'm currently obsessing over my body and also my books because there is nothing else to obsess over and I need something to keep my mind busy. #Tip: Never obsess over a person, especially someone you love. I did it with friends, and my ex and it didnt end so nicely. My current beau is sorta ok with it, but I dont wanna go crazy on him.

Going out soon to meet up with Hamara :) Boyfie aint gonna like it since Hamara is a boy but hey I need to hang out too lol. Well, I told him anyways so ya..

Update soon(er).

xoxo

Favourite pictures

My favourite pictures from Tumblr,Lookbook and countless other places I cant even remember :D yes I STEALZ THEM!!

A day well spent

This morning started with restlessness, inability to sleep (I'm so excited for Christmas even though Christmas in my house is like every other day, except that the Christmas tree makes me sneeze a lot), and me having a solo 'clubbing' in my room, dancing and listening to Club Hits at 4am. I know, I'm awesome. And then uni started, and I have no idea how awesome this day would turn out to  be. It was pretty awesome. I got to help a friend out, 'help' my favourite lecturer determine whether a sample was contaminated or not(I was bullshitting of course, but it made her laugh), had an awesome conversation with my Toxicology lecturer(I think we sat there for an hour), made friends with some lab officers(I love lab officers! they are the go to people when you're too scared to ask the lecturer) and borrowed his lab coat. Why? Coz I got to go see FYP students do... FYP!!! I was a senior for a couple hours. It was awesome. And then I had lunch with my senior, and hang out with her :D I also sorted out my every sem academic adviser consultation, and he gave me good reports on my form.

Also, my Toxico lecturer asked me if I'm Malayalee or punjabi, like for the second time. =.= I is of South Indian ancestry okies? And I can speak awesome tamil. And also, she said I sound like a very small child. Obviously she doesnt know how loud my voice can get. But yes, 3/4 of the time I sound sorta like a little girl, like a mouse(mishka). And when I told boyfie this he agreed and he was like "Yes babe you should like a small child" and insisted I 'shuddup' when I insisted I IS ALL GROWN UP! I is 22 ok? VERY GROWN UP!! *sulks* I love these two people though. My toxico lecturer is uber sweet. And very easy to warm up to. She has this mother like nature. Once I was having lunch by myself and she put her hands on my shoulder and asked me if I was always by myself. She is uber sweet.

Now, I just want to concentrate on my diet, and my Toxicology, and do well, and get to Nilai asap, because I keep getting this vibe boyfie isnt feeling so great. He always sounds dull and always is quiet. He needs MUA to cheer him up :) I have an awesome boyfriend though ♥
IT WAS GREAT!!!!! 

Girl likes

My boyfriend always tells me "Bie, I have no idea what you like to do. I have been studying you and you're not like other girls. You dont watch movies, you dont read, you dont browse, I just dont get you,"

Mostly it's because I bug him when I'm with him. I havent seen him in a while and when I'm there I take every opportunity I get to pounce on him and annoy him.

But the honest truth is, I dont quite remember what I like to do anymore. I had a whole bunch of things I loved to do before 'calamity' struck me (or rather befriended me), and now I dont know what I like anymore. I dont concentrate on movies. I dont. I just drift away and go do other things. Or skip parts of the movie. I start reading, but I dont quite finish the book. I wander of. I used to read so much. Watch movies like a bitch-pig.

What do girls do? Like, what do you like?

I need inspiration. I need to go find my likes again. I do know I love shopping. And I like photography. But that's about it... :(

Feel sort of weirdly dumbfounded by this question. 

My hope

Sometimes, we look at the world, and we look at life. And we see how big our problems are, and we worry, we fret. We get depressed. And we get this gnawing feeling in our hearts that things will never be ok. And sometimes that gnawing feeling will never go away. There's always something to worry about.

I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my parents. I worry that they will never make up. Never be happy. I worry that they will always blame me for their lives and I wont be able to do anything. I worry that my mum will never love me, and my dad will always see me as a burden. I worry about my uni, I worry about how I am going to push my CGPA up, if I will ever finish my soft skills, if UTAR is good enough for me to get a decent job. I worry about getting a decent job, if I will ever get one. I worry about my boyfriend. I worry about him all the time. And I worry about our relationship, because sometimes love is not enough and as much as we love each other, we are still studying, and he will graduate soon and leave Malaysia. I worry about how we are going to last after that.

I worry.

But today, I had a mini revelation. That the only person I can be completely honest with is Jesus. I can be as blatant and as confused as I can be, and He will not judge my lack of understanding. He will listen, and He will answer. So I told Him what I was worried about. I told Him about my lack of understanding. My sadness. My ever constant feeling of lack. And I didnt get an answer. Nothing. No Bible Scriptures popping  in my head, no sudden revelation about things, no vision, nothing. So, I gave up and decided to watch a bad copy of Real Steel(which I didnt finish), but the beginning song caught my attention. It was All my Days by Alexi Murdoch. And that's how He spoke to me. He told me that this is what I should look forward to. That everything might be blurry now, and sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But its ok. Some day I will see clearly, and I will see His plans clearly. Until then its ok to just breathe somedays, survive everyday, and put my hopes in God.

It's easy to say those things. But it's not easy to do. But it's sorta easy for me. Because my whole life I spent wandering and looking for a good life, but I never got it. And then He comes along and tells me He's got amazing plans for my life. Its like taking a filthy,useless,hopeless beggar and telling her He'll make her a princess. Who wouldnt want that. So, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. I'm not worried about living in another country, or moving, or getting a job, or marrying A, I just know everything that happens is good. Even if it looks like a shithole at that very moment. Even if it seems like its the end of everything I wanted, it might be the beginning of what I really truly needed all along.

Like I said, it's not easy to do those things. But it's the base of my hopes. And I just need to keep building it.

I just know everything will be fine. 

All of my days

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

Beginning song of Real Steel, and a real

pick me up song just when I needed it. 

God you answered my question!!

You do listen to me....

Seriously =.=

My boyfriend just made me uber depressed. No, he didnt say anything stupid or hurtful. He told me a little about his dreams, and how annoyingly stupid Malaysian 'policies' are, our lack of freedom to speak, to do things we want, our right to choose, lack of 'human rights' etc. And he told me about his life back in his country, about how each university has its own radio station, where people pour out their thoughts, opinions, views on something, and how there is so much to do there nobody really gets bored. Quite aggravating to hear all that, when the biggest thing I did today was wake up. That was it. I havent left my bed. And this man thinks I am queer, as in I dont like watching movies, and he still cant figure out what I like to do. It's just depressing.

I wanna do a lot of things ok? Like, tomorrow, a bunch of people I knew from ages ago are going to the waterfalls, and they are making plans and shit, and I wanna do that too. But (1) I dont have people that I'm close to anymore, (2) I dont have the money or the transport to do those things (3) I dont have friends. Technically (1) and (3) are the same. So yes, I admit, I dont have friends. I have a lot of people I talk to but no one I can make plans with. And before anyone reading this snickers and swims in the joy of me not having friends, I rather be alone than be with that old nasty bunch I used to waste my life with. I wanna go shopping. And I havent seen that new building near Jusco Ipoh so that would be a treat. But (1) I have RM4 which would give me tomorrows meal and wont do me any good in Ipoh anyway because a to-fro ticket is RM7. (2)What good is going there if I cant buy jackshit? (3) I wanna watch a movie but again, I still havent figured out how to rob a bank efficiently(sarcasm).

And I wanna do other things too. Like go to the zoo. Or go to Gentings. I wanna purchase my Instax Mini 25 now so I can take pictures and make more scrapbooks. I want to take a train ride to Singapore. Hell, I wanna visit Singapore. I want to go to Penang. I want to go to the beaches. I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to take a night ride to Cameron Highland's and have hot Tomyam soup in the freezing weather. There's a lot of things I want to do, but everything I wanna do is halted by the fact I am ass broke and well, you could blame me by saying "Go get a job!" Do you know how difficult it is to get a job in Malaysia if you're an Indian? Ok scratch Malaysia. Before joining uni, I tried everywhere in Ipoh looking for a job. Sales, waitressing, cyber cafes, everything. First they want Chinese. The end. I'M SORRY I'M NOT CHINESE(no offense I love chinese people) And Kampar, you just cant get a job. No matter how hard you try. The race thing comes in between. Maybe they feel more comfortable working with their own race... but SERIOUSLY YOU ARE IN BETWEEN MY HOPES AND DREAMS! So I have to accept whatever scrap my parents give me, and save from it so I can decently ride in a train to Nilai instead of stealing somebody's buffalo and do the rodeo thing all the way there. And manage my toiletries,my food, the little happiness I get from buying scrappy notebooks and clippy pens etc.

So can you blame me? Seriously?  Someday I'm going to move out, get a decent job and a decent life, get decent friends and do amazing things and never have to worry about anything because there will always be a solution to everything.One day I'm going to get myself out of this shithole of a country and never look back. 

Hello Kitty Forever 21 collection 2011

Another reason why I should move out of M'sia.
THEY DONT HAVE THIS COLLECTION IN FOREVER 21 M'SIA!!!

Pfffttt!!!!

The Hello Kitty Collection launch was in the Forever 21 store in LA and I got to read it in Dailymail. YAY ME! =.= (not)

I'm a Hello Kitty fan. I am. Not the "OMG LOOK!! I'm so lala" kind of fan, but the "simplicity of the kitty is so adorable" fan. Suck's that (1) They dont have the collection here in Malaysia and (2) I dont have the money to shop even if they were in Malaysia. Sigh.... 

Looks like I just have to stare that all the Tumblr posts about it and pray to God Hello Kitty Collection comes over to Malaysia someday. 

Plans and dreams.

Currently having the flu. I diagnosed myself with the viral flu so I dont need to go see a doctor, coz according to my last sem's Immunology what's the point anyway? Right eye is swollen shut though, I have been itching it like a monkey all night last night and now I'm an one-eyed pirate muahahahahaha. I'm pretty sure my right eye is going to fall of someday. Poor thing has gone through a lot. Lol.

Bie and I have been talking about going to New York someday for Christmas. Well, I told him I wanted to and he said ok. And then we were talking about possibly migrating to New York. I think the idea sprung up from the fever and my Tumblr dash being flooded with Christmassy pictures with snow and winter coats and fashionable things. And also, I want to live somewhere where it's snowy, busy, full of life. Not somewhere like Ipoh, or Kampar, or even Nilai. I only love Nilai because he is there.

I want to live somewhere life never stops showing itself, time never seems to stop. I never had New York in mind actually. It's just recently. Australia is another choice. I dont want to think about living in Brisbane. But if I have to, then hey why not?

It's just, I started living this life, giving up on dreams and hopes and started believing that people like me should shut up and accept whatever is given to me. But this man comes into my life, and tells me I should start dream again, and literally nags my dead dreams into life again. I dont know what I would do without you.

Whatever happens, I have a plan. And it's quite amazing