Reminiscing

Couldn't sleep. So, I cleaned out my gmail. Found some old love letters from my ex I forwarded to my gmail from my old hotmail account.

It's been so long. I can barely remember him. I can barely remember me. Psychotic and damaged I should say. I'm so different now. I'm actually happy. I'm happy with my studies (yay final year!!), I'm happy with my boyfriend. I'm happy with my parents, although they can still be a pain. I've just learned to ignore them :)

Wow.. I cannot believe I've been with Austin for more than a year now. 14th July was our first anniversary. 23rd Sept is another day to be remembered :D They all said we wouldnt last. But we have grown stronger, and more in love and even more connected. And you know, before... when I was stupid and 'in love', I fell for the sweet words and the daily phone calls and gifts and crap. I didnt see the man I was with. I didnt 'see' him. But with Austin, it's different. He is a man's man. I dont get the sweet talk and gifts and the messages and full on texting. But when he calls, he means it. When there are sweet words, it is truthful and honest. No lies. No trying to seduce me. What he gives, is all of himself. He changed me in a way, he made me me. Only after he came into my life did I actually start focusing in my studies, actually focusing on my future. He didn't turn me into a love forlorn fantasy child. He turned me into a logical, practical, future driven young woman. He.. found me.

I'm happy. I'm contented. I remember an email I sent to my ex, saying that he's got the life he wants and I dont. It finally happened. I have the exact life I wanted. I wouldnt change a thing.

I miss my bie. I cant wait to see him after my finals!!!

Finals, internship and final year projects

My 100th post in this blog. I've been a blogger since 2007 but I have changed my blog so many times. Mostly because I'm really good at feeling sorry for myself and after a long time of feeling sorry for myself, I always realise it's time for change and I change my blog. I like this blog though. It's... preppy. :P

I really want to tell you about my final year project. I was assigned to it last Monday, and lucky me I got my first pick. :) 

My topic is "Prevalence of lactose intolerance and its association with lactase-phlorizin hydrolase gene (LCT) variants among Malaysian subjects."

Which basically means in layman's term I have to find the change in this particular part of the gene that makes people not tolerant to dairy products. 

For those sciency ones, lactase is the intestinal enzyme responsible for digestion of the milk sugar lactose. Lactase gene expression declines dramatically upon weaning in mammals and during early childhood in humans (lactase nonpersistence). Most humans lose the ability to digest lactose and become lactose intolerant by the time they are about 10 years old. In some populations, people continue to produce this enzyme even in their adulthood. 

The ability to digest lactose in adults is an autosomal dominant hereditary condition caused by the persistence of lactase activity in the small intestine after weaning. The frequency of lactase persistence varies widely in human populations. It is generally found at high frequencies in populations of European descent while at low frequencies in the native populations of Australia and America, and in the Asia and Africa.The mechanisms controlling lactase production were disputed for many years. Recently, a research, using linkage disequilibrium and haplotype analysis, have identified a C/T transition which located -13910 bp upstream from exon 1 of the human lactase gene (LCT) that are completely associated with lactase persistence/ nonpersistence. 

I am working with the C-13910-T gene polymorphism. 

My work is to collect samples of DNA from around 100 people, and see if they have the C or the T SNP in their gene. In Hai-ming Sun et al, the authors report complete correlation between the lactase persistence phenotype and the presence of the T variant allele. So if they have the T and not the C, they have lactose persistence. If they have the C, they have a problem with dairy. There are two parts to my project. One is the gene work. And the other is using basic clinical studies to see if they are really lactose tolerant or not. 

This is as far as I understand, and as far as I have researched. 

I still have a long way to go in terms of my experiment because mostly, all this info comes from a few days of research and I have like 3 months more to figure out my methodology, pros and cons of my research and how effective my studies will be. I have decided I will not be shot down by my soon to be examiners :) 

In another note, which happens much earlier than my project is my internship. My internship starts on the 26th of September. And I work in this tiny cute lab in Ipoh. The awesome thing is that they will be sending me to their KL branch for 2 weeks. Which is very very nice. The only complicated part of my job is that I will be travelling from Ipoh everyday, which is awful awful... I just hope I can make it. 

And what's happening way earlier than that is my FINALS. Which is less than a week from now. I am doing extremely well in 3 subjects, average in 2 and not very good in one of them. But I will pass them all, probably maintain my 3ish GPA like last semester and honestly, I AM SUPER PROUD OF MYSELF!!! 

*pats myself on the back*

I only wish my parents saw how great I am doing. And I wish they were capable of being proud of me. And also, I wish I could talk about this to my boyfriend. His brain shuts down whenever I start talking science, and it's not his fault. He's just not wired for sciency stuff. 

So, that's my life. Not that I have nothing else going on, I have all this to take all of my time. Which I actually like. I spent way too much time impressing others I forgot what I really liked. I like research. I like science. I like being badass like this. When I was young and finally got internet connection and a printer, I spent all my paper printing about HIV. I knew about HIV way before I learned about it. I wanted to cure it. I was doing so much 'research' that my mother thought I thought I had HIV. She was worried sick. Which is kinda funny and hateful at the same time. I like to learn. Its the one thing I am good at. I'm badass at partying and clubbing and being destructive and all that jazz but everytime I do it I feel like I have lost a part of me. Maybe I'm just getting too old for that stuff. hah!

So, back to my research and studies :) much to tell later :)

Mini Update

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. A lot of things have been going on, I havent had time to blog.

Let's see, what is happening right now

1. The semester is almost over. Finals is starting soon. OMG!!!!
2. I am going for my internship next semester :) I got a place at Gnosis Lab Ipoh. 
3. I am ending my Year 3 sem 1 and the next semester isnt really a semester so when I come back to uni, it will be my last semester (although I am extending a semester but it doesnt really count). 
4. Bie and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and I'm more in love with him than ever.
5. Just applied for my Final Year Project and waiting to see which lecturer has chosen me.

I'm quite happy, I can say. Sometimes I forget to appreciate it, but life is quite good. I am happy. 

You know, I always have a lot of things to say, but when I blog, they dont come out. My mind goes blank and all I have is nonsense. 

I can promise you though, that next semester there will be a lot to blog about. A LOT!!! 

God and me

Last night, was a night of horrible conviction, and repentance. I have to say.
Someone asked me, that everytime I turned back to God, and came back to church, I was usually in 'deep shit'. So, would that mean, that when everything gets better, I would turn back again? Honestly, at first, I felt insulted. The whole Wednesday church going, peace enjoying, fun having mood totally vanished into thin air. I actually came home tearing up. How could someone 'accuse' me of something like that? I have been happy, my life was on the right path again, and I was completely 'drama free'... right? So... why would that person say that to me??
Came home, cried and called my boyfriend. I was expecting him to say that's not true, and I've been great and so on. Nope.. He did not. He actually asked me to think about what the girl said, and ask myself if it was true ot not and not to lie to myself. He also said a lot of things that was quite saddening, but true. It was actually true. I did turn away from God when life was great. And when it all became one big mess, and I had nowhere to turn to, no one to run to... I ran to God. Boyfie said something... " You love me right? and you know I love you a lot. But, how would it feel... if I only came to you when I needed something, wanted something... but the rest of the time, I completely ignored  you? Wouldnt that hurt you a lot??" ...Yes.. it would... "Multiply that feeling by 70 times 7..."

:(

I didnt think of it that way. I actually caused pain to God by doing what I was doing. I never thought about Him in my happy times. Of course, I praised Him and thanked Him when I was having a good day, but I always kept Him 'up there'... inaccessible. And me down here. He became not so personal to me. He only did when I was rock bottom.

Ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Also, wondering, is that why, I havent been able to connect to Him the way others do? Is that why, I am always stuck in a circle? I asked boyfie that. You see, boyfie has this amazing relationship with God. He is totally connected. He knows his faith. He trusts Him and he knows Him. Something I dont quite understand yet. I didnt have that. So, I assumed because I came back to the wrong reason, God didnt wanna connect to me like He did with the others. But the thought was ludicrous. That wasnt God's nature... right? Boyfie told me to turn my sadness to a mood of submission prayer, and that God will answer. That I should stop judging myself because I never know if i came back for the right or wrong reasons. Only Father knows which. And that I should ask for forgiveness and hand over everything to him in prayer. He also asked me to read Psalm 51 everyday. Boyfie also said, God enjoys it when we talk to Him. Not just when we ask him things and pray for stuff. But just talking. He enjoys it. Something I dont do with Him. Something I feel ashamed of. And even more humbled and convicted because, I have been a Christian for 6 years, and while everyone I know have been progressing in their walk with God, I have been running around in circles, and still a 'handicapped child' when it comes to my walk in my faith.

Convicted. Ashamed. Undeserving. But with a renewed heart. I dont want what the person in church told me to be true. I dont want to still be running in circles when I'm 50. I dont want to be still laying my foundations when I am 75. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to have the same thing I see in my church friends. I want that joy. That different joy. Something I have been able to feel in my past walk with God, but have lost it.

Old me would have felt absolutely hurt and I would have decided to leave church after this. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not giving up on myself. He didnt. Everytime I hurt Him and left Him, He didnt give up on me. Everytime I came back, He still gave me 'presents' and a 'feast' eventhough I hurt Him countless times. So no, I'm not giving up on me. 

The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe. 

Body Image

People mock me. My friends are very forgiving, and they are amazing, but people outside do mock me. Like when I go to Ghany, there is an old man who is sort of my friend, he mocks me. Yesterday I met an old friend, he mocked me. People just like doing that. I want to know why it's ok to say derogatory things to people who have weight issues. 99.99999% of the time, I accept the mockery, making jokes with them, going with the principle "Others are laughing with you, not at you". But it always hurts. I always go home feeling like a complete useless tool, no matter how much I have accomplished the day. Most days, I contemplate the idea of going back to my old self, the bulimia, and the self starvation. Just so I will be accepted like I should. Sometimes I feel, I dont get the opportunities I deserve because how I look. I'm a person too. I dont know.. I just feel, angry? Abandoned? But it's not all bad. Being the overweight, misfit has given me a thick skin. My confidence actually soared because of that thick skin. even now I hold my head up high when I walk because I know I am wonderfully made. And when I go home back to my boyfriend, he makes me feel like the hottest girl alive. And it's not just him, it's his friends too. But when I'm here.. or even anywhere else... it's sorta sad.

What gives people the right to judge someone based on anything they are? I am just... curious.

Just because someone doesn’t fit your ideal of beautiful doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. I’m a loving, caring, devoted person. I’m deeply emotional, highly imaginative, and I matter. I am a person, even if I’m overweight. I’m beautiful, even if I have fat rolls. I am more than my weight.
I am me.

Role Models.

I was going to write this yesterday. But I fell asleep instead and when I woke up, I had tonnes of work to do, so I shall write now instead.

I love to learn. When I was small, my mum would give me books and writing materials to just go nuts. She had a collection of Reader's Digest dating back to the 50s that I used to read fervently. Even during mealtimes. I never stopped learning. Books, were my only friends. I was never really close with my friends back in school. I was a misfit. But my books were always there. I thank my mum, for being my first teacher. She taught me the value of education. Both my parents did. No matter how broke we were, we always had money to buy books for me.

Coming to university, my thirst for knowledge dwindled to just studying for exams and I started to have the study, vomit and forget attitude. I was too engrossed in learning about worldly ways from bad influences to actually better myself. Until recently that is.

You see, yesterday I was applying for an internship at BP Labs and I was filling out my form, which was in a CV form. And writing about myself made me actually think about the people in my life that have actually influenced me. The good ones. Firstly, my parents. Now, that I'm older, I am starting to understand why past events has happened and how actually my parents, in their own way have helped shape my world. I love them for that. Despite their shortcomings and weaknesses, they have outdone themselves with me. I am truly blessed.

I also have other 'parents'. My lecturers. I am truly, truly blessed and honoured to  be studying in UTAR. Because everybody who I have met here, have touched my life in a good way, have left a deep mark in my life. The most prominent example I can give is about this one lecturer who taught me and is still teaching me. I actually used to be scared of him. There was just this unapproachable aura I had of him that I couldnt shake of. And it sorta disturbed me, because I always had a good repo with all my lecturers. But he taught me again early this year and it was a time where I have already left my old clicks, my old ways, all the sordid habits that sucked out all my brain cells and energy. I was clear and receptive. And that's when I learned from him the most. Not just in my studies, but how to live a life. He is still teaching me. And every week, his lectures are the highlight of my week, not just because I am taught, but my mind and soul is also educated. He might not know this, but I think the world of him and he has been a father figure to me. He triggered that inquisitive part of me again, he made me want to do better, not just for a better CGPA but for a more learned mind. I hang on to his every word and even his life experiences that he shares with us inspires me even more to do my utmost best. His idea of going the extra mile, has stuck with me and I try my best to emulate him.

And it's not just him. It's every lecturer I come across with. Who teach me, educate me and fill my mind with good things. Great things. Usually, when people ask me, "Who are your role models?" I say no one. But I have to say, my lecturers have been and still are my role models.

So this post is dedicated to you, my lecturers, my teachers, my educators. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You are my parents here in uni. You are my mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. My ideals, my lessons, my inspirations and my mentors. Your tenacity and passion are my driving force. Thank you, for everything. I am both honoured and proud that I have the chance to be your student, and I hope someday you will be proud of me too. 

I have nothing to say

I'm not posting much this year at all, compared to the one a day posts I used to write before. Honestly, there is nothing much to say. I'm entering Week 4 of my Year 3 Trimester 1 today. Uni has been hell week since day one. Lab reports, assignments and revisions pilling up. The usual. Missing my boyfie way too much adds to the 'misery'. Also, I have been reconnecting with old friends, which I'm starting to think is not a very good idea after all. For almost a year, I have been doing my own thing by myself. Going to uni, hanging out with me and only me, dinners by myself, studying and well, basically doing my own thing. Some of the old friendships I welcome, mostly because it has taken a new turn, new beginnings, completely different from before, some... remain the same, and honestly I dunno what to make of it. I actually miss being alone. It was just me and my books and special weekends and semester breaks with my boyfriend. I think this semester I'm less focused on my studies and indulging myself with Scrubs and playing this stupid game on my phone (ninjump... sigh I hate you) and lazying around. And somedays I hang out. Last sem, I only hung out like 3 times the entire 4 months. I already filled that quota the first week I was back in Kampar.

I think I'm going to go back to my new 'old' habits. Just keeping to myself. Doing my own thing. And a couple  of things has been bugging me lately, one being so homesick and wanting to go home... another, having no proper clothes to wear to uni anymore =.= Been a little depressed about my weight this last 2 weeks or so. Honestly, those are the two things that irritate me the most. Well, of course there is the finding a spot in a hospital for my internship. 3 things then. Other than that, I'm just Jim Dandy... :)

Missing bie so much. Gosh, I dunno what to do. I should plan a weekend back home sometime soon before I lose my mind. 

My great semester

Hey :)

It's been a month since I posted anything at all. Sorry. I have been awfully busy with finals. I immediately came home after that, but there's something about my home that makes me not want to turn my computer on. And then I attended a Symposium. It was awesome. I shall elaborate later. And after that, waiting for results and lazing around. I have so much in my head I wanna say so lemme break it down. Okies?

1) FINALS

My finals week preparations

Finals was painful for me actually. I had midterms and assignments to hand in right up to the last day of semester, I didn't have enough time to fully prepare. My first paper was Genetics, and I only had like a few days to study. After that was a race to study Endocrinology and Molecular Biology together!! Honestly, I still don't know how I managed it. My last paper was Protein and Proteomics, and I had an English paper before that. I must say, Proteins was my worst paper. But overall, throughout Finals week I was doped on coffee, Milo and loads of delivered food :D

All my medication

I also got very sick after my Genetics paper. I was coughing a lot continuously, i had been coughing up specks on blood, I had chest pain and on and off fever, my bones were aching and my body was very sore, and I had night sweats. So, the day after my Genetics paper I went to the Clinic with my friends and got my first x-ray done, for a PTB test, to see if I had tuberculosis. All clear though. I got tonnes of medication but they never gave me a diagnosis and actually, up to today, I still have some of the symptoms like chest pain, continuous coughing and bone aches. I honestly don't know what's ailing me but I hope it's nothing serious. I was basically sick throughout the semester and Finals week. It was kinda pressuring to push my body that hard. But I made it :)


2) RESULTS!
It came out yesterday. And I knew I passed all my papers, I just didn't know my grades until yesterday. For the first time since I joined UTAR, it felt great to see my results. I managed to get a GPA above 3.0, which I have never done before. Well, I have but it was in the short semester so it doesn't count haha. I really think I outdid myself this semester. Usually its a C for me in any Science subject I take but I managed to get a good score on all my science papers and an A for my English :) I keep opening my portal just to see my results. I have never been this proud of myself.

3)SYMPOSIUM
So, University Malaya held the 3rd Malaysian Symposium for Biomedical Sciences on the 19th and 20th of May and I went there. I went there by myself, but I stayed for 2 nights with my fellow course mates and seniors. Honestly, my first impression of UM was bad. The accommodation provided was horrendous and we had no means of transportation in and out of UM. So, it was kind of bad. And oh, communal toilets!! AWFUL!! But the programme itself was fantastic and I learned a lot being there. Also making new friends from other universities and also gaining new insight on my to be profession, it was all so wonderful. The one noticeable thing at the symposium was not the programmes, but the breaks. Oh god we had so many breaks and food served!! Malaysian culture I suppose? But I got very tired of eating. LOL. At the symposium, I learned how to present my future Final Year Project. Like, I have never been really exposed to these kind of things so it was a really good experience. I also learned how to be meticulous in my work and my future research. Another stupid thing happened there though. My right eye was inflamed or something. It turned blood red and became horribly painful the 3 days I was there. At one point I was walking around UM with just one contacts on. Amazingly, the inflammation subsided once I came home. Which was stupid.

After the symposium on Sunday, we all reached KL sentral and I waited for my course mates to board their train before I left for home. We reached around 6pm and the train was at 9pm, so I waited till 9pm until everyone went home.

UTAR at MYSYMBIOS UM

4)NEXT SEMESTER
Next semester, I will be a Final Year Student. I can't believe it is finally happening. I am so excited!! I am taking 6 subjects again and I really think I can handle it :)


Overall, my life is great. It's just that, I have been feeling a little uneasy for a while mostly because I haven't gone to church, and also, I think my stupid mind is more focused on how much more I have to go rather than see how much I have already accomplished. I'm also a little edgy because boyfie is going through a bad mood period and I can feel his aura, which I react to. But overall, I can say my life is good. Boyfie made two statements since I came here, (1) I have no friends, and (2) I don't do much but study. Well, at first I was upset because he was right, I had no close friends. There are a lot of important people to me back in Kampar but the ones I was closest to are gone (thank God and praise God for that). But honestly, when I think about it, I am happy being by myself. I work harder and better when I am alone and honestly I don't really like depending on anyone anymore. It's just more, productive being alone. And as for not really having a life, haha, well, I have to agree. I have been on full drive mode with my studies this semester. I think I'll branch out a bit and do more social things for the coming semester. It will be good :)

I don't know what to write anymore. I think I have written everything that happened last semester in a nutshell. Something like that. I do hope to blog more.

xoxo

Finals week

I just woke up from a nap. This is Finals week and I just had my second paper this morning. I did ok, but when I think back of all the effort I put in, I feel like I deserve an A..But that's not going to happen because the paper wasn't good enough for an A. And that's a very disappointing feeling, because this semester, I have been working my ass of. And studying hours and hours until I have fallen terribly sick. And yet, it just isnt good enough... Sorta disappointing. 

But I guess I have to be grateful, because I know that my grades will be better this semester than it has ever been since I started university. And it's a step forward. 

Overall, this semester has been good. I have my third paper on Wednesday, so I should start studying in a while.

You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

Bore you

Hey peeps :)

It's finally study week. Which means no more classes, just the mental torture of ramming 5 subjects worth of facts into my brain. Today, was more of a sad day. Yesterday was a bit crazy. I had a mini breakdown in front of some random lecturers because of the hellhole my lecturer caused me. I was running around collecting assignments and booking training sessions and seeing the whole process through because she wasn't cut out for her job. And the last straw came yesterday when I was so sleep deprived and angry and she failed to turn up to get the 44 assignments from me. I wont go into details but I ended up very tired yesterday. Today was more of a pity party for myself because I went to Tesco and wanted to  get some clothes but realized nothing fit me well. Well, I'm almost out of this nonsense and I think I shall go have a bath in a while and get my room cleaned and get my studying moving.

This semester I have Genetics, Endocrinology, English, Molecular Biology, and Protein and Proteomics. Ethics is not in my finals. Next semester I will be taking Clinical Biochemistry, Virology, Neurobiology, Immunology and Interpersonal Communication. Excited about next semester :)

I really have nothing much to say nowadays. It's the same old same old. Classes, studying, midterms, assignments, finals, once a day call with boyfie and more studying. I havent seen my man since February and its killing me. Also I have started to hate weekends and holidays because I have become a workaholic and too much rest is detrimental to my sanity.

I'm hoping next semester I have more things to say. I should start making a list of all I want to accomplish before next sem is over.

Love you guys. Sorry for the bore story. I'll come up with new things to talk about hopefully.

xoxo

My wish list

I'm in such a cuddle mood today, mostly because my room is clean and cold and it's raining out there and everything is so... cuddle mode!!

I have been watching this person for a few hours now!!! DivaDarlingChic is soo adorable!!!! I really liked watching his(her? sorry I'm not sure how to address you) videos!!! Check the videos out!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/DivaDarlingChic

Anyways, DivaDarlingChic inspired me to think about stuff I want. You know me, I'm crazy about stuff. And so I have come up with a few things that I desperately want and hopefully I can get them next semester :)

1) Scented candles!!
“Odors have a power of persuasion stronger than that of words, appearances, emotions, or will. The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breath into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it.”  - Patrick Suskind, Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. 

I especially love this quote from my all time favourite book and movie , Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. My favourite scents are candy, sandalwood, and lilac or lavender like smells. I dont really like fruity or citrus-y smells though. I tend to gravitate to the sweet candy like scents. And I really really wanted scented candles, coz I feel like they would make me calmer when I'm studying or relaxing.

2)Victoria Secret Products!

I just absolutely love their products. And while the swimwear and lingeries have to wait for a bit (someone's a little pudgy muahahaha), I want to deck my dresser's counter top with all this awesome products!!

Supersoft body lotion in Sweet and flirty (Vs)

Deep-softening body butter in Enchant in Secret Charm and Tempt in Wild Scarlet(Vs)

Pink With a Splash all over Body Mist in Warm and Cozy

3) A nice make up set to play with and learn new looks and be more girly and less... potato. 

4) Really nice,fitting and affordable clothes 

5)SCHWARZKOPF Osis Texture-Rock HArd Extreme Glue. For those days where the girly girly look doesnt suit the beast inside and the monster comes to play from within muahahahahaha. I miss my mohawk!!

This is all I can think of at the moment. Of course, Id want more. But this would be my first list to work on :)

xoxo

Thoughts are flames. Let me show you how they burn

Something happened when I was in my First year first sem. I felt like all the anger and fury and rebellious nature blowing up, and I found people who enabled me. I was a force to be reckoned with, in a bad way. It wasnt a surprise when I found out that a lot of people didnt like me in my first semester. A lot of people disdained me. I was loud, I was fearless, annoying and there was no filter in my mouth. I wore what I liked, I didnt care about the university system, I did what I liked and when I liked it. I was loud and crazy. I wasnt what you called a Science student. If you saw me back then, you would bet I was a soon to be dropout. I called myself badass and I had no preferance for rules. I was amazing in my own demented way. Yea, that's the word. I was demented.

It cost me a lot. It cost me friendship, good grades, first impressions, good influences. People talked about me in uni and it wasnt in a good way. It almost cost me my future.

The thing was, I was all those things, but I expressed them in a brutally negative way. It took me almost 2 years and a lot of drama and life lessons to get my life story straight. To be on the right path. I think I am on it right now. I am still fearless. But fearless for the right reasons. I have learnt the power of words, and I can safely say I have a filter in my mouth and after months of 'brutal' training from my boyfie I have learnt when to say what. I make the university system work for me, instead of blindly going against it just cause, and I have learnt when to be this and when to be that. I am still loud and crazy, but for the right reasons. I dress well in uni and if you look at me now, you would think I was some kind of A list student. I still call myself a badass. I still am. But I have learnt on what to be a badass at.

A lot has changed in 3 years. And there's still another year left. And soon I will be a working adult. And metamorphosis more. Change for the better. Be better. Be badass

Shorts are ♥

I like shorts. I like wearing shorts that make you look chic, smart, casual and just laid back. I like shorts that accentuate great legs and can also look classy. However to the many people in my campus who like wearing shorts. Two tips. 1) Buy your own size, not your baby sisters, and 2) There is a thing called too short. I didnt come to uni to see your ass. It makes me very horny. 

Although, I really like these looks. I think they are very cute :) 

Pretty chic huh? Although, I dont think I would be wearing any of them just like that to uni. I'd probably pair them up with leggings/dark coloured pantyhose/ knee high socks. Besides not looking like I'm in uni for a vacation, it will protect me from the ultra cold lecture halls. Seriously, I think they have turned up the chills just to force us to wear more clothes. 

On another note, I wont be able to breathe after tomorrow. My last lab report is due. I have an oral presentation, a lab test, an on the spot assignment and a midterm next week, 2 midterms the week after and a quiz on the week after that. And then, the week  after, FINALS!!! My uni is testing my sanity. 

xoxo

Weekend post

It's been a lazy weekend for me. That doesn't happen frequently and so I'm cherishing every moment. Tomorrow will be the start of Week 11 for me at my uni. 4 more weeks to go and it's FINALS. But there will be no rest this 4 weeks. I still have assignments, presentations, lab reports and midterms going on till the 13th week.

For two weeks now, I've been very low in spirit. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing is happening. Wishes are still wishes, dreams remain in my mind and hope is looks like something that came out of Wonderland. But this week has been good to me, something DID happen. I will be representing my university, and also assistant to my senior course representative for Biomedical Science at the annual symposium held in University Malaya during the semester break. Amazing? I think so too :) And the best part is, a lecturer, whom I think doesnt like me very much chose me. Guess he likes me after all. Lol. Thing is, I adore this lecturer. I 'worship' his brains. And also, during his class last week I managed to answer his question and he commemorated on it. Well commemorated is an overstatement, but I shall use it anyway.

So yes, Symposium!!! And also, Final Year Project titles are out. I wont be doing it this year because it's clashing with my Internship this October but since I'm course representative I will be running around registering my peeps. And also registration for Internship. And also registration for the Symposium event. Have to juggle all that with two assignments due this week, and one presentation. 1 lab test, 2 more midterms and one more assignment in Week 12. Good life :) Hey, I'm not complaining. I actually like it. Keeps me active and busy. And no time to be emo haha.

Guess, that's all for now.  I should go. I need to complete my lab reports.

xoxo

Back to Church

Hello... Its a quiet Saturday. Well Saturday is gone. Its Sunday now. I, am still procrastinating on my work because my ovaries are throwing their monthly tantrums at me and I couldnt be bothered to get out of bed muahahaha. However, the week has been wonderful to me, and I gained a lot of insight on a lot of things. For starters, I went back to church. This thought has been bugging me for ages and I finally got the guts to go back to church. Needless to say, it was like I never left. I am definitely going back next week. And the next, and the next... always.

I also added my cousin on Facebook. Well, I blocked her out of seeing my posts and pictures but she's there. Reading her statuses and posts made me realise something. Something about myself actually. I try too hard to go against the norm. It's not a bad thing, but it's just that, I realised I do that. I dont want to be associated with a certain stereotype, a certain trend. I want to be seen as different. I want to be accepted by everyone. I actually sorta disliked the fact that my cousin keeps posting scriptures and telling people 'dont do this' and 'dont do that'. I felt like, well... if you were a nonbeliever, and someone just came and threw bible words at you without even knowing or acknowledging who you are, would you accept or even try to understand what that Christian is trying to tell you?

I read this on tumblr today
“The modern church does not worship idols of gold or stone, she worships the gods of human effort and will power. Morality has become our Molech and and behavior our Ba’al, while the person and work of Christ is strangely missing from our messages, meetings and media.”

— Jeff Turner, Revival or Riots

I have to agree with Jeff. In my family, faith is determined by human effort and will power. And well, as we all know, I am not accepted by my family because my morales differ from theirs and my behavior is not seen as acceptable. But in my few years with Christ, I still dont understand why I have to act, talk and behave a certain way to be seen as a Christian. When I do something, or talk a certain way, people (family) assume I have lost my faith. I do not believe in going around and telling people the 'laws' of God. I do not believe in telling people they are wrong and they have to turn back before they are condemned to hell. If it was me, I want someone to accept me for who I was, sinner and blasphemer, and love that person. I would want to know what kind of God would love someone like me. I would want that knowledge to lead me towards turning back. That's what happened to me. I wasnt moved at all by this lady who always came to my house and told me I was a sinner. What moved me into knowing God was the love my church and my youth group showed towards me. Picking me up from my house, sending me home, inviting me to their house for sleepovers and taking me out shopping and doing fun things with me when in truth, they didnt have to, because I was of no gain. Them, doing that changed my view about God. If their love of God could move them to love someone like me, then this God must be different. And so I learnt about Him. And I wanted Him in my life.

But still, even with my principles, I still havent figured out how to move from that first step of accepting people and not judging them. I dont know how to tell them, my God is amazing and you should come find out for yourself. That is also part of the reason why, I went back to church. I guessed, as much as I loved God, my knowledge of him was still sparse. And maybe if I knew God more, I would know how to reach out to people. And if I knew the Holy Spirit more, I would learn how to listen to His directions when reaching out.

It's not wrong to be flawed. It's not wrong to have weaknesses. It's not wrong to be wrong. What is wrong is hiding it from God and behaving like everything is ok. Coz if everything is ok, you would not need Him. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am weak and useless without Him. But with Him in my life, I see myself doing great things. 

It's Cat-urday!!!

It's time to blog. Yes!! I HAVE THE TIME!! Today I had my Genetic's midterm and I can safely say I did well. Not too well but better than I expected. These days I'm very driven towards my studies. I actually like it. I have developed a major interest in Genetics and although it's my most difficult subject I really like reading about it and watching videos on that topic. DNA was never my strongest point but this semester, almost all my subjects are based on DNA and gene material of some kind, and honestly I'm starting to like it. I should be napping right now, but I am having a ball online googling for random things on decorating and art and things like that. 

During my test, I was gawking at my lecturer, Dr. Phoon. In my first year, she had this strict look and I avoided her pretty much until this semester. But honestly, she is one of my most favourite lecturers!! She has the prettiest smile and the most motherly face and she actually is very good at genetics. I really like her labs. And, also she is the Head of Department for Biomedical Science so imagine she has so much work to do on top of teaching us such a tedious subject!! I think she should be well appreciated. 

That's the thing with me. I'm prone to hero worship. I basically think my lecturers walk on water. I think they are amazing, they have so much to give and they are actually doing an amazing job. I admit I'm very easily influenced by people. But I have a condition. You have to impress me. If you got that covered, I'm all yours. It's a little bit like how Christina Yang from Grey's anatomy sees Teddy Altman. I adore and admire people who are able to teach me and inspire me to be a better person. Partly also why I adore my boyfriend so much. He has taught me so many things since our relationship and the change in me is immense, and I like it!

This whole week has been a very positive week for me. I heard that my reputation among the young junior is building up (the inny minny young ones haha) and I aced my presentation, my midterm went well etc. I still see a lot of room for improvement though. For one, my organizational skills are still whack. One moment of panic in my room and its chaos all over again lol. And also time management is still a bit out. Other than that, my dieting is not going so well ( I lurve you food), and grooming is a bit out. But that's about it :)

The only annoying thing is, how my mother still cant see how her daughter has grown up to be. I'm pretty sure I'm turning into someone she can be proud of and yet she still cant see. For instance, today's conversation:

Me   : Fine... Ask Saishree to give me her website address. She still got facebook?

Mum: Be kindly what you say 2 her n dont ask matters tat r sensitive like boyfriend -talk about studies n intellectual things ok and Godbless amma love!!

Ok, it sounds harmless right? The thing is, only I can see what she really means based on our 23 long tedious relationship... My aunty has drilled it in my mum's head that I am a bad influence and all I know is sex and boys and having fun the bad way. Ever since we were young, my aunty has always taught Saishree that I should be kept at arm's length and I am bad news and all she should do is learn how to study from me and use me. Well I am not the one who went cavorting with a foreign worker at 12 years old and ending up almost pregos! pffft. Whatever la. I reach out, they stump me. Whatever. 

Boyfie says I should concentrate on my work and become who I want to be, and be successful and amazing, and maybe one day she will see how much she missed out on. 

Until then, out of sight, out of mind. And continue paving my way towards success!!

Owl post

Why am I awake at 4am? Well mostly because I'm looking for a Tamagotchi to satisfy the little child in me. I never got a Tamagotchi and a lot of my young years was spent looking at everyone playing with their Tamagotchi and smuggling it to school so they can feed their 'pet'.

Anyhoo, I'm really sorry for the lack of posts. Uni has been really hectic and any spare time is spent on assignments, lab reports or sleep. Apart from the constant tiredness,lack of sleep and tonnes of work to do, my life is pretty well rounded at the moment. I'm doing well in my tests, my assignments are going great, and I'm pretty sure a few As are in my hand. Very proud of myself.

This semester, I find myself very driven towards my studies. So driven that at times I completely forget about my life outside uni like boyfie, going out etc. I want to do well so badly. I'm also taking the time to dress nicely to uni and look smart and not like some drunkard. By the way, I dressed up as an African girl last Saturday. I wore a  headwrap. I thought it looked pretty cute.

Cute? hehe

This year, is the year of achieving forgotten dreams, unreached goals and creating new hopes and dreams. I'm quite excited about this year. The enthusiasm of the new year hasnt waned down on me.

Overall, I'm doing great. Life can be quite amazing if you choose it to be.

xoxo 

Keep your head high

I tried to reach out to my mum today. I reached out. It didnt work. She ended up mocking my Christian believes and who I am. I had to install a message blocker to keep her taunting words out of my phone.

I feel lonely. I guess that's why I enjoy busy uni life so much. I dont have time to think about being alone or whatever. I like the midterms, and studying hard. But today I get to rest... and I'm restless instead. Bie is very busy at the moment. I feel sorta bad disturbing him. I've been declining hanging out invitations all week... even today. I'm just so used to being by myself nowadays. I have more time for my uni work, my studies, and important things like tests, catching up, administrative work and also my boyfriend.

I just wish I could talk to mum the way others do with theirs.

I should go to bed. And dream of wonderful things. 

Tests

Today, I had a test. For Endocrinology. From 8-9.15pm, when the uni is closed. This semester is interesting. I had a test at 7am, and now 8pm. 


Anyway, I've been studying so dilligently for this test. Making notes, reading the book, and today I spent 6hours in the library just studying. And I did  the test quite confidently. But when I came out of the room, I heard that the lecturer had already started to mark the papers and someone got 96%. Seriously, my heart just sank. Every confidence I had, every happy thoughts I had just went away. I actually was, jealous, and frustrated. Because I know no matter how well I did the test I wouldnt get those marks. Came home and cried. So since then, I've been moping around and wondering where I went wrong. This semester, I have been studious, I have let go of all my bad habits. I dont party, I dont drink, I dont hang out at an ungodly time. I dont skip classes for fun, I utilize my breaks efficiently by running of to the library. I have been working hard. But I need to work harder if I want to get those results that person got, and I just dont know how to do it. 


A friend told me, "Our perseverance and attitude means something to Him"


And yes, I guess I forgot about that. I wanted to be an ace student so badly, and I wanted it all for myself. I forgot about what God thinks of it, and how he feels about me. I hope, He is pleased that I put in effort and everything that I am doing, my behaviour, my attitude... means something to Him. Boyfie also told me that marks and grades do not measure intelligence. I guess, I just wanted to get high marks so the lecturer would take notice of me and like me. God knows I've been trying. 
But I suppose at the end of the day, what God thinks of me is more important than what anyone else does. 

Transposons

On monday, I learnt about transposons. To put it simply, they are part of your DNA that love to migrate from one part of the other, copy and paste themselves anywhere they are inclined to, and are almost always inactivated because of their 'evil' tendencies. Let loose, they cause problems, like diseases and other awful things. Which sorta led me to think... That's what we are. Well, that's what I am. I dont think holy all the time. In fact most of the time my mind is in a twisted place. I have evil tendencies. But guess what? Transposons are quietened down by methylation. Basically, in lay-mans term, 'bodyguards' go and attach themselves to these transposons, and shut them up. So even if they are still there... they cant do jackshit. I think, when Jesus died for us, his blood, became the part that methylated out evil tendencies, and our 'bad parts'. It quietened them. I dunno. It's random. But I do know that without God, without knowing Him, without he presence and sometimes, fear of him in my life... I would be acting out these evil tendencies... Without God, if I had to choose good and bad, I wouldnt even skip a beat choosing the bad side. But He keeps me in check. My 'transposons' are silent. 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

I've lost you

I dont know what to do anymore. I've been trying to get the right words to say, that one wonderfully written letter or speech that sparks the love back in my mother and reminds me of why she took me in in the first place. But I cannot seem to find any. I tried. I sent her a long text. I tried to tell her about how hard I try. How hard it is for me to make her proud, and how it hurts when she sees the best in Saishree and not me, eventhough I have done more and I have tried so hard to please them. But what I got is a two day long rant about how another cousin of mine, Palveena is a gem of a child. How she used her PTPTN money to pay her parent's mortgage and pay her car of. How she is now pursuing apparently both a degree and masters in Math. Well, its easy to use your PTPTN money for other things when the government pays for your teaching programme AND gives you an allowance to be their bitch. And how wicked I am, to spend money on my hair colour and shoes and clothes. I really dont know what to say anymore. What really hurt me is, I was really sick Friday night. I had to ask someone to send me to the Emergency ward although I stay away from hospitals even when I am having the worst fever ever. I was sick, and while coursemates were asking how I was doing and helping me out, my parents completely didnt bother. My dad asked me about money when I told him I was sick and I had to go to the emergency ward. While my boyfriend was absolutely petrified and stayed awake till he knew I was ok, my parents couldnt be bothered.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think it's time to accept that its just me from now on. They are lost in a world of materialism and cash and lost dreams. They will never come out of it. It's almost like losing them to some sort of worldly Alzheimers.

I guess I need to find some sort of closure, and see things in a different way and know that I am doing things right. 

Weekend trauma

This whole week has been so stressful! After a whole week of running around with barely any rest or time to just shut up and watch a movie quietly, I found myself asking a friend to run me of the emergency ward Friday night. My right side had been hurting the whole day but it got extremely bad at night and I couldnt sit,stand, lie down... anything! I was crouching like Gollum from LOTR until even that was unbearable so I checked myself in to the hospital. Thankfully, after 2 shots of really strong painkillers and some to take orally, the pain was quite bearable and they let me go home. Although I am a little pissed because they couldnt be bothered to do an x ray or something, I understand I suppose. With free medical healthcare like that, they have to do anything to save on resources(as in treat the symptoms and let go)... But what was more painful was that my parents couldnt be bothered to care. I told my parents and got nothing in response. I think I have completely lost them.

Today I went to Tesco. And I passed by the children's clothing section, and found myself mooning at all the uber cute baby clothes. I know!!! I'm too young for this nonsense, but honestly, I feel like I was made to be a mummy. Everything my mum did to me, taught me how not to be a parent. And, yea maybe I wont be the perfect mum, but my children will have the best they can get from me. I'm already so in love with my unborn children. So much in love. I'm not so sure about marriage though. If bie is the right person, so be it. Although I have to give it to him, anyone who has children with that man would be the luckiest person ever. I just hope I'm someday brave enough to want to get married and have babies.

But for now, I'm focusing on my own future, my education. So I can get a good job, and a good life, and give myself and my kids a good start in life. 

Midnight rant

I'm having a horrible migraine and I cant sleep. So I decided to blog about my new phone and other rants before I bore myself with my topic.

I got this phone last week!!! Well this is not my phone, as I cant take a picture of my phone. But it's the exact same model! I named it Shoashums. It's such a good phone. Honestly, when I had a pda it wasnt of much use to me but this little smartass is like my personal assistant. She is my alarm clock, my camera, my mp3 player, my reminder, my bible, my bible plan, my entertainment, my everything. At some point I dont even bother to turn the computer on because I can just use my phone to do it. Totally love my phone.

I have so much to do tomorrow I dont even know where to start. I have tonnes of work for the next couple months so yes, the migraine is a sign I'm thinking way out of my limits and I need to chill. I dont know how dean list students do it. I can barely make it to 2.0. Maybe I need a plan, and lay of the social networks a bit. The downside of having this phone is I get to Facebook all the time!

My dad gave me $10 for February. I dunno how they think I can manage with that much money =.=
Things between my parents are a little distant at the moment. Mostly because they are eyeing my loan money like vultures...  I know it sounds harsh, but I'd like to use that money to get some nice things for myself. Like makeup, and clothes and shoes. Girly? Yes.. but I am at the stage where I want to look nice, taking care of myself, looking positive, having a positive attitude, and it's always nice to wake up and get dressed up and look nice for uni, coz well, I spend ALL day in uni and I practically have no life in Kampar, and it feels nice to look good in uni. You know...

Sometimes, I want to write a long letter to my parents, and introduce them to me, who I am, who I have become, what I like, what I dislike, basically like a cv, but then I realise unless they open their eyes and heart  and see me, there's nothing I can do except wait and hope.

And I really miss my boyfriend. We havent been together for ages. But he knows who I am, he knows all my moves, all my likes, dislikes, even without me telling him. It's so much easier to love someone when you see them putting the same effort too. I made an effort with my parents. I let them in, I tell them my secrets, I listen to their complains, I put a effort to wear the clothes they like to see me in, I follow the horrendous diet plans they put me in, I tried. But they betrayed my trust, they belittle me, they blame me for their mistakes. All that. And so I decided, who wants such negativity? And yea, I'm keeping away from them. I feel like life is too short to go around in circles and regret and whine about every misfortune. It's ok to feel that way, but you cannot let yourself immerse in that sadness, or it will get to you. Trust me. It got to me.

So I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude about everything now. Its working for me. And yes now I'm sleepy... I think I bore myself. Tomorrow is a long day, as every day turns out to be. haha.

xoxo

Weekend Rant :D

I'm back!!!

So, I went back home for a long weekend/short holiday. I must say, it was pretty nice. I absolutely love being with my new family. And my boyfriend is so sweet. Yes, he hated the hair and his housemate was cheeky and teased me. Oh, yea.. I cut my hair and I coloured it!! Wanna see?

Ignore the bra strap lol

haha!! New year, new colour. But bf didnt like the sides shaved too much! I like it though. But he gave me a lecture about it and it made me think. How I look, should portray the person I am, and this girl in the picture looks hardcore, rugged and not at all the classy Biomedical Science student who wants to be an overachiever and the model student she yearns to be. And also, the look makes me unapproachable. Which is the opposite of what I want. I want to be approachable!!

Anyhoo, I really liked my weekend. Slept like a baby, pampered like a Queen and ate like a pig.

Now that I am back in Kampar, it's all business. And no more games. But as usual, I'm on facebook trolling.
And I saw and read the new post by Lauren titled 'We are abominations". Something I really want you to read, and get an insight on. My boyfriend and I share very different views on homosexuality. He insists that it is an abomination, and honestly I dont know how to argue with him. Because I am not sure myself. I am bisexual myself and I cannot help how I feel about girls and boys alike, and I dont know if that is wrong or that is right. All I know is that God accepts us all. So I stick to that part. Reading Lauren's post made it so much clearer for me to explain why I accept my LGBT members without any judgement. It was like she read my mind and put it into words. So I am sharing this with you. I agree with what she said and I am not ashamed of it. Call me blasphemous, judge my faith, or you can agree with me.

And another thing is, I always have people asking me, why I am dating an African. And why I never date or consider dating a Malaysian, especially my own race. Easiest example is today. Today is Thaipusam. The whole Indian lot is outside celebrating the death of the demon and the victory of god. Great. But Indian guys!!! What's with the whole rowdism??? Honestly I cannot stand the attitude of my generation. Not to label everyone as the same but the majority of Indian boys today put me to shame. I was actually proud that I looked more African than Indian today. Tamil movies influences and the likes of actions heros like Vijay and Ajith is honestly dragging the indian generation down. Have you guys ever heard of classy? I was waiting for my train and holy mother of pizza I got so many cat calls and wolf howlings and some of them thought I was a foreigner and started talking so lewdly I had to put on my bitch stare face the whole time. On the contrary, while I was buying food from one of the fast food joints there, an African guy with his girl, politely offered me his place on queue when he saw me with big bags and stuff. And a group of African guys offered me a place to sit outside Dunkin donuts so I can sit my ass down and wait for the train. When I go to Nilai, yes, the Africans there flirt, but they are so polite and friendly and non threatening at all that you dont panic and start looking for the nearest police station or a crowded shop to hide in like I do when I see Indian guys. Indians, you belong to one of the greatest empires of all. You are known for your intelligence, your creativity, culture and wonderful genes. Dont dumb it down because some idiot on tv does it with the help of ropes and a drunk script writer. And dont behave like thugs. Not classy, and you're ruining your future. And dont take it the wrong way. I'm not ashamed of being an Indian girl. I consider myself lucky to be an Indian and I'm damn proud of being one, and no matter what nobody can take that away from me. But honestly, how are we portraying ourselves to the world? As Malaysians. As Malaysian Indians. I want people to hear the word 'Indian' and go "wow".. not eww..
And so, that's the end of my rant. And also the beginning of hell. Need to clean my room and prepare for tomorrow.