The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe.