Goodbye 2011. Hello 2012

It's been a while since I posted anything. My computer broke down, and I didnt feel like blogging with my boyfriend's laptop, but here I am, last post of 2011. Goodbye 2011. You have taught me well. You have taught me the true value of friendship, and that it is ok to let go and move on. You have taught me that I can love again, and how love should be like. You have taught me that I am capable of anything and everything, all I have to do is work for it, and never let go of hope. Thank you 2011.

Welcome 2012. They say you are the last year I will have here on earth. We all have here on earth. I'm not so sure I believe them, but I hope to live this year like it IS my last year on earth. Whatever happens, this year will never be forgotten. I hope to live it that way. 

Grey's Anatomy

Did I mention I love Grey's Anatomy?
I think I have, countless times. I love my other series', The Walking Dead, House, Modern Family, Scrubs, I love them. But Grey's Anatomy is the one series I can completely relate to. I see my sassy-ness in Miranda Bailey, I see my defiant, stubborn completely sarcastic and annoying nature in Christina Yang, I see the cute, dreamy believing in fairytales and 'gold dust across the rainbow' nature in Arizona Robbins. I see my saucy sexy 'throw my cares away' attitude in Calliope Torres. I see my insecurity and a total unsure nature in Isobel Stevens. I see my 'seeing things in grey' and wanting to do what's right and a conflicting nature in Meredith Grey.

I relate to Grey's Anatomy. I just absolutely love it. And I cant wait for the next episode to air. 

Boredom kills

The restlessness is slowly killing me. I actually opened my wardrobe a couple times to check if Narnia was back there, and then behind the mirror just to be sure. No, I'm not doped on anything. Except for maybe the amazing omelette rice I had earlier. I dont know what I wanna do. I wanna go fishing right now, but going to that lake at this hour is basically digging my own grave. Not because of creatures that live in it, rather the creatures that decide to drink alcohol by it. The perfect semester break would be a roadtrip. A roadtrip that involves good food, plenty of shopping, a few days by the beach, and a trip to Gentings where we waste more money and sulk by drinking Caramel Macchiatos at Starbucks, with extra whipped cream, of course. But every semester break is the same. I stare at the computer everyday and try to figure out what to do. Last semester break was a little different. It involved staring at the huge flatscreen watching football.

I dont want to live an ordinary life. This is all so ordinary for me. Sure, other people have it worse. But being not able to live as you dream of is equally horrible in its own way too.

So why not do it? Why not have that roadtrip? Because a roadtrip means money. Renting a car, and gas and toll. It also means you need a bunch of friends, which I dont have. And also shopping means having the money and the body for it. Which I dont. And I really want to go to the beach and wear a bikini. Which I cant.

So much negativity these past few days. I think its the boredom that is talking. I hope I sound more cheery in a couple more days. 

I hate semester break

End of Day 3 of my stupid semester break.I would be the happiest person if uni resumes this Monday.It is stressful, and takes up all my time, but it is still something to do. I just hate sitting in the house and looking at my computer. Yes, there are so many things to do online but I'm bored of everything. Nilai is not going to be much different, with him 'working' and what not. 


I dont think I'm cut out for a relationship. I dont like being mollycuddled. And with my dysfunctional family and all, I'm just not a relationship type of person. And at the moment I'm completely obsessed with loving someone else, someone who made me and loved me from the start. And also this stupid diet I'm working on. I never knew I could mean this much to another human being, and frankly, its sorta scary. People always leave. That's how it should be. And then this person comes and sees my worst side and still decides to stick on with me... its scary. I'm not saying I dont love him, I'm just saying I'm not cut out for this. I've planned my whole life alone. And yes, for a moment there were thoughts about wedding dresses and moon babies and everything, but it didnt stick. I'm back to my 'one man army' thoughts. This is so annoying. 


Why cant I be simple like some people....

Beautiful like me-Joydrop

I have been so bored today. Its only Day 2 of my semester break. What started out as a 'Tumblr rape', ended up in watching youtube videos about eating disorders and all those shit I used to do 2 years ago.I feel like I'm in some sort of a relapse, and it's so much easier now that no one is even bothered to check on me. Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone to. I'm just venting out my frustration. Most of it focused on my mum and dad at the moment. My parents are awesome, up to a point. They send me money, every time I run short to pay my student bill, money is there somehow.My parents keep me comfortable while I slough at university. My dad calls me and tells me when he has banked in. They do a lot to make sure I graduate. But that's about it. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with them. When I tell them I have exams, they ask how I did in it and I usually say I did alright and that's the end of it. 

My mum texts me about my aunt and her daughter, and how they are doing and what they are doing and happenings in churches nearby and how great some pastor is. But she never asks about me. She never asks how I'm doing and what my plans are for the day or if I wanted to hang out with her and go shopping or something. When the attention is actually on me, its about the weight, or the smoking, having bad friends, straying of. If its something good, its about getting pants that fit or something tailored coz apparently retail clothing wont fit on me. I wouldn't mind if this was their normal behaviour, but they behave so differently with my cousin. When I'm at home and my aunt and my cousin come to visit, my parents talk to that girl.Like, normal conversations. About school and friends and her new haircut or something that you expect parents to talk to their kid about. While I try to concentrate on TV, fuming away but looking stoic about everything. How can I not relapse? 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I get my parents to look at me as a person, a child and not an asset, or a liability(I am still not sure what they see me as) is to look like Barbie and be perfect. So there is nothing to be seen as a flaw. I have stopped talking to them about school, friends, studies. I even lie when they ask me what I eat. I have been maintaining "I had bread for food" lie for months now. Bread is foolproof. I always listen to this song, 'Mirror' by Barlow girls and there is this verse, "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.I know He defines me". God defines me. Right? I shouldn't be bothered about what my parents say about me, or think. Right? So why am I so obsessed with getting their approval? So obsessed with that never to be seen pat on the back. And then I listen to 'Beautiful' by Joydrop and feel like that's the only way to get that approval. I'm just so confused. And I really 'megaloathe' my cousin. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because she will always be that competition that I will never win over. Which is superiorly silly because she is so much younger than me and I am so much more capable than her in so many ways. This act of being so desperate for parental approval is mental torture.

Christmas wish

What I would love for Christmas <3

i want Plushies!! 

Clutch from Zenith Divas

Cupcakes!

Liquid Eyeliner so I can try this look

A polaroid please!

A day at the beach!

Anything Hello Kitty.Plush,Make up, clothes!

I really want this cup!

I want this book pwetty please

 New clothes, new shoes

Perfume that smells like candy

Make up!!!!

A work Jacket

This boots!!

I really like this shirt..

This is just the materialistic stuff.What can I do? I like things..They make me squeal with joy:P  There's a tonne more that I want that doesnt involve things though.

To Forgive and Forget

I dont like the idea of getting married. Never been a big fan. Even when me and bie were having the fairytale fantasies about our lives(well, we still do), I saw a wedding as a quick stop to the registrars in wacky clothes and signing the deal. Never was a big fan of weddings either. I think it's because I have spent my whole life watching my parents in such a loveless relationship, sometimes I think they are just sticking it out together because of the financial dependency on one another and also for me. I couldnt live in a marriage like that. I'd run. I also am scared that if I get married, I would put God second and my family first and I would never have the amazing relationship with God that I dream of so often. 

Feel very sorry for my parents though. They could have had such an amazing relationship, if they put the past away and learn to live as God told them to. It's not really that difficult. Just forgive each other. Forgive each other for the spoken words, the hurtful actions, the blaming game, the hurt, everything. Forgive. Even when you dont feel like it. Even when you are still fuming. Just say you forgive, and tell God "I forgive this person. I dont want to, but I am going to do it anyway".

 Second, accept each other as they are. We always enter a relationship, and we see flaws and we think "oh he/she will change" Thats NEVER going to happen. Unless they change themselves. Just accept your other half for all the flaws and weaknesses, and tell yourself,"This is it". Accept it. And learn to love it. My dad loves shopping for clothes, even if he doesnt have the money to. And he likes being extravagant. Accept it. 

Third, try to see them in a different light. After 26 years of marriage, I think its going to be difficult, but just see them differently. When I see them as parents, I get angry, hurt, upset and dissapointed. But when I see them as people, I see a little girl who never got any attention from her mum either, who was disappointed by her brothers telling her what she could not do.I see a little boy losing his dad as such a young age, not being loved by his mother, being betrayed by his uncles(they stole his college fund to pay for their son's college), having such high dreams(my dad wanted to be a doctor), but ending up in a post office, and then the Government printers. Having his first wife cheat on him, etc. And, suddenly every hurt and pain they have inflicted on me, goes away. I dont blame them. I blame life. 

They should open up and see each other the same way too. Every action, has a story behind it. Fourth, learn to love like Christ loves us. My boyfriend, is very good at this. I am stubborn, and I live in the air where giants and mermaids and leprechauns exist. He is a realist. I have trouble taking care of myself, I so stupid things and sometimes I say hurtful things to defend myself before I get hurt(it's a defensive thing). But he, loves me with an iron fist. He doesnt apologize, but he explains why it happened, and what I should do. He compromises with me, a lot. And when I'm around him he takes really good care of me. It helps a lot, to just ask how they are doing, or go to church together. Maybe even a slight touch to the shoulder, or tell them what happened that day, just to connect. My parents never do this. They are so detached with one another. 

Marriage is something beautiful. I know it, coz I know what it's like to be alone, with somebody and also be with somebody and yet feel isolated. Its very beautiful to be able to share lives with someone. But its also devastating when love is lost. 

Marriage still scares me. Maybe I'm too young to be sure. Maybe someday I will be ready for it. Maybe I'm fine just the way I am. 

You are not Forgotten

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

I have a lot of favourite verses from the Bible, but till today, this means to me the most. It's the description of the blog! So you must know how much I love it. 


It's a verse that is very close to my heart. I've always dealt with this issue of being forgotten. God knows how many nights I have cried myself into a hangover like state and sobbed myself to sleep. I am forgotten, easily. I think, my birth mother has completely forgotten about me. If it wasn't for facebook, not many would remember my birthday. I've only received birthday presents once in my life, and my coursemates did a little celebration for my 20th birthday(I love you guys!). My mum has forgotten me at the moment, coz I suppose she is having fun with her family back in KL. My dad only ever remembers me when he thinks I have run out of money. A group of people I used to hang out with completely forgot about me and then decided to backstab me, repeatedly.


But I've always held on to this one promise. He... He has not forgotten me, not once. My name has been engraved on the palms of His hands. And that's permanent. I know this. I have 'engravements' on my hands too. Scars of emotional hurt, anger, disappointment, hate, self-loathing etc. They have been etched on top of another, but years have gone by and I can still see the early scars, right up to the last one. They are permanent. 


But God's markings are a different sort all together. They speak love, care, absolute adoration, blessing, hope, promises, dreams, salvation, an amazing life, and an even more amazing afterlife. 


One birthday, I think I was 8. It was the most horrible birthday I ever had. We were visiting relatives in KL, and my aunty was utterly horrible to me, on my birthday eve. She humiliated me in front of everyone and my parents didnt come to my defense. So I had to play the big girl and totally dissed her of and pretended like I was made of steel. But I still remember we were travelling back home that night and I was tearing up badly at the backseat of the car, under the shadow of night, asking God why nobody would care, or even bother to try and love me. I felt so unloved and unwanted that day. 


And I saw it. Just a flicker, and it was gone. But I saw it. It was a shooting star. A meteor shower, just for me, and I got to see one of them. Ever since that year, meteor shower season falls right after my birthday and I have had 3 years of meteor shower nights here in Kampar.  Its the August Perseid Meteor shower, which always falls around August 10-13 :)


It doesnt sound much, I know. But to me its His way of saying, "Hey, I remember you. You're my kid". 


So when I see these markings on my hands, I dont see them for what they were anymore. I see Isaiah 49:16. "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."


Ps:My exams are over!!! Tumblring like a boss (Geminids Meteor shower going on now, but Kampar too cloudy. I shall dream about them tonight :)

Final day of Finals

Today will be the last day I study for an exam for 2011. Last day. So excited about it!!! 

A couple hours ago, was the best moment of my life. A broken friendship mended, or... on its way to being mended? Either way, it made the whole semester worth it. Everyone sounds so happy today :) It is a good day. 

I Belong to You

I think I'm out of tears. Run dry. 


I had an argument with someone I love, and although we've both pushed it aside(we fought for such a stupid reason) and back to normal again, it made me realize how easy it is to lose a person. 


I feel very alone at the moment. But I seriously dont know how I came across the Barlow Girls(again), but I found them, and the songs are keeping me company for the night. 


This song is on repeat at the moment. 



When love is gone there's no arms to run to anymore 
I'm all alone, theres no one for me to live for 
Letting go of the things I always come to 
Thats when I need to feel That I belong to You

:'(

I belong to You

'Vegetable Incident'

When I first started preschool, there was a colouring contest, and we were supposed to colour in vegetables. And I got ALL the colours wrong. Everything. Even with my parents outside the window trying to 'play' charades with me on regards of the colours. I got them wrong. Yes, I was born an idiot. I still remember looking at everyone's artwork and feeling very small. Because I knew I was wrong. How in the world did I not know which colour to use?

There are so many incidents like that, that I remember which still kinds stings when I think about it.Since small, I have been taught to be independent, to take care of myself and to never depend on anybody to get my work done. With two adults in the house who are forever angry and bickering, it was easy for a small child to get lost in all of it.

But I have to thank God for all that. If it hadnt been for that 'vegetable incident' or the countless other 'incidents', I would never have pushed myself harder. I am a Biomedical student in her second year and improving every semester. I am course representative for my year and so far, I havent had any complains =P. My english is near impeccable and boy do I know how to use it. I read like a glutton and I can hold an adult conversation with ease. Politics, Philosophy, Theology, Science, plan rubbish talk, fashion, art, anything. You name it.I am a very confident person, I can talk to anybody and make them feel like they have known me for years. I'm very independent and resourceful and I am very determined. And I am very proud of who I am, what I have become and the potentials I have.

But I think a lot of it has God playing a big part in them. Sometimes I dont think it is me being that person, it's God who is giving me those traits.He was there all along. In my very challenging home, in my very depressing school life, the bullies, the ones who called me names, the lack of support. I blamed Him for not 'mollycuddling' me and I blamed my parents for not defending me. But one day I was watching my cousin and her mum interact and I realised, what her mum did was what I wanted from my parents, but if it had turned out that way, I could never have become what I am right now.

And today, I walk alone. I am alone in uni, I do my own thing. I cant believe I have survived the whole semester without anyone to hang out or be friends with. But I'm walking in a different tune, in a different sort of confidence. God confidence, not self confidence. It has taken me so many years to learn that, and a big upheaval in my life too. Again, God used the pain and hurt so I could gain something so much more important.

I may look like I have very little going on for me, but my heart feels full. I see plans, and potential and challenges and adventures. I really wouldnt change a thing. And if it takes a little more struggle to get there, I couldnt be happier.

Awesome pictures I found lately

Hell semesters

My timetable for next semester. Looks like UTAR threw up all over my life. Next semester is going to be hectic. I dont know how I'm going to deal with it. 

Live with me

Usually when I write posts, I have some song in the background. It gets me to focus on what I have in mind, to write. Right now I'm listening to 'Live with me' by Massive Attack.

I am as strong as I am weak. I push people away from my life because I dont think they can handle how messed up I really am. I'm also scared that if I find the person who is willing to love me and take care of me no matter what, and by that I mean absolutely no matter what, I'll relapse into myself, and break down completely. My self harm, my suicidal ideation, my restriction/starvation-binge cycles, my depression.

I'm grateful for the person in my life now, but him not being able to accept some things actually give me strength  to not breakdown and give up.

And I trust God to get me out of this. He is going to make everything ok someday. He will. I'm sure. 

Not so symmetrical

Got a new hair cut last week, decided to camwhore today.

Yes, I'm in love with how I look. Look at me! How can you not adore that asymmetrical face?? 

My face is the only thing I like at the moment though. And yes I have eye bags and dark circles... FINALS WEEK! obviously. But I always am sleep deprived and overtly stressed during every semester so the dark circles are kind of permanent. Eyeliner just makes it look... equal ?

Another note, missing him so badly I cried on skype today when he came online to tell me sweet nothings. 

Missing him badly.