God and me

Last night, was a night of horrible conviction, and repentance. I have to say.
Someone asked me, that everytime I turned back to God, and came back to church, I was usually in 'deep shit'. So, would that mean, that when everything gets better, I would turn back again? Honestly, at first, I felt insulted. The whole Wednesday church going, peace enjoying, fun having mood totally vanished into thin air. I actually came home tearing up. How could someone 'accuse' me of something like that? I have been happy, my life was on the right path again, and I was completely 'drama free'... right? So... why would that person say that to me??
Came home, cried and called my boyfriend. I was expecting him to say that's not true, and I've been great and so on. Nope.. He did not. He actually asked me to think about what the girl said, and ask myself if it was true ot not and not to lie to myself. He also said a lot of things that was quite saddening, but true. It was actually true. I did turn away from God when life was great. And when it all became one big mess, and I had nowhere to turn to, no one to run to... I ran to God. Boyfie said something... " You love me right? and you know I love you a lot. But, how would it feel... if I only came to you when I needed something, wanted something... but the rest of the time, I completely ignored  you? Wouldnt that hurt you a lot??" ...Yes.. it would... "Multiply that feeling by 70 times 7..."

:(

I didnt think of it that way. I actually caused pain to God by doing what I was doing. I never thought about Him in my happy times. Of course, I praised Him and thanked Him when I was having a good day, but I always kept Him 'up there'... inaccessible. And me down here. He became not so personal to me. He only did when I was rock bottom.

Ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Also, wondering, is that why, I havent been able to connect to Him the way others do? Is that why, I am always stuck in a circle? I asked boyfie that. You see, boyfie has this amazing relationship with God. He is totally connected. He knows his faith. He trusts Him and he knows Him. Something I dont quite understand yet. I didnt have that. So, I assumed because I came back to the wrong reason, God didnt wanna connect to me like He did with the others. But the thought was ludicrous. That wasnt God's nature... right? Boyfie told me to turn my sadness to a mood of submission prayer, and that God will answer. That I should stop judging myself because I never know if i came back for the right or wrong reasons. Only Father knows which. And that I should ask for forgiveness and hand over everything to him in prayer. He also asked me to read Psalm 51 everyday. Boyfie also said, God enjoys it when we talk to Him. Not just when we ask him things and pray for stuff. But just talking. He enjoys it. Something I dont do with Him. Something I feel ashamed of. And even more humbled and convicted because, I have been a Christian for 6 years, and while everyone I know have been progressing in their walk with God, I have been running around in circles, and still a 'handicapped child' when it comes to my walk in my faith.

Convicted. Ashamed. Undeserving. But with a renewed heart. I dont want what the person in church told me to be true. I dont want to still be running in circles when I'm 50. I dont want to be still laying my foundations when I am 75. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to have the same thing I see in my church friends. I want that joy. That different joy. Something I have been able to feel in my past walk with God, but have lost it.

Old me would have felt absolutely hurt and I would have decided to leave church after this. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not giving up on myself. He didnt. Everytime I hurt Him and left Him, He didnt give up on me. Everytime I came back, He still gave me 'presents' and a 'feast' eventhough I hurt Him countless times. So no, I'm not giving up on me. 

The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe. 

Body Image

People mock me. My friends are very forgiving, and they are amazing, but people outside do mock me. Like when I go to Ghany, there is an old man who is sort of my friend, he mocks me. Yesterday I met an old friend, he mocked me. People just like doing that. I want to know why it's ok to say derogatory things to people who have weight issues. 99.99999% of the time, I accept the mockery, making jokes with them, going with the principle "Others are laughing with you, not at you". But it always hurts. I always go home feeling like a complete useless tool, no matter how much I have accomplished the day. Most days, I contemplate the idea of going back to my old self, the bulimia, and the self starvation. Just so I will be accepted like I should. Sometimes I feel, I dont get the opportunities I deserve because how I look. I'm a person too. I dont know.. I just feel, angry? Abandoned? But it's not all bad. Being the overweight, misfit has given me a thick skin. My confidence actually soared because of that thick skin. even now I hold my head up high when I walk because I know I am wonderfully made. And when I go home back to my boyfriend, he makes me feel like the hottest girl alive. And it's not just him, it's his friends too. But when I'm here.. or even anywhere else... it's sorta sad.

What gives people the right to judge someone based on anything they are? I am just... curious.

Just because someone doesn’t fit your ideal of beautiful doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. I’m a loving, caring, devoted person. I’m deeply emotional, highly imaginative, and I matter. I am a person, even if I’m overweight. I’m beautiful, even if I have fat rolls. I am more than my weight.
I am me.

My great semester

Hey :)

It's been a month since I posted anything at all. Sorry. I have been awfully busy with finals. I immediately came home after that, but there's something about my home that makes me not want to turn my computer on. And then I attended a Symposium. It was awesome. I shall elaborate later. And after that, waiting for results and lazing around. I have so much in my head I wanna say so lemme break it down. Okies?

1) FINALS

My finals week preparations

Finals was painful for me actually. I had midterms and assignments to hand in right up to the last day of semester, I didn't have enough time to fully prepare. My first paper was Genetics, and I only had like a few days to study. After that was a race to study Endocrinology and Molecular Biology together!! Honestly, I still don't know how I managed it. My last paper was Protein and Proteomics, and I had an English paper before that. I must say, Proteins was my worst paper. But overall, throughout Finals week I was doped on coffee, Milo and loads of delivered food :D

All my medication

I also got very sick after my Genetics paper. I was coughing a lot continuously, i had been coughing up specks on blood, I had chest pain and on and off fever, my bones were aching and my body was very sore, and I had night sweats. So, the day after my Genetics paper I went to the Clinic with my friends and got my first x-ray done, for a PTB test, to see if I had tuberculosis. All clear though. I got tonnes of medication but they never gave me a diagnosis and actually, up to today, I still have some of the symptoms like chest pain, continuous coughing and bone aches. I honestly don't know what's ailing me but I hope it's nothing serious. I was basically sick throughout the semester and Finals week. It was kinda pressuring to push my body that hard. But I made it :)


2) RESULTS!
It came out yesterday. And I knew I passed all my papers, I just didn't know my grades until yesterday. For the first time since I joined UTAR, it felt great to see my results. I managed to get a GPA above 3.0, which I have never done before. Well, I have but it was in the short semester so it doesn't count haha. I really think I outdid myself this semester. Usually its a C for me in any Science subject I take but I managed to get a good score on all my science papers and an A for my English :) I keep opening my portal just to see my results. I have never been this proud of myself.

3)SYMPOSIUM
So, University Malaya held the 3rd Malaysian Symposium for Biomedical Sciences on the 19th and 20th of May and I went there. I went there by myself, but I stayed for 2 nights with my fellow course mates and seniors. Honestly, my first impression of UM was bad. The accommodation provided was horrendous and we had no means of transportation in and out of UM. So, it was kind of bad. And oh, communal toilets!! AWFUL!! But the programme itself was fantastic and I learned a lot being there. Also making new friends from other universities and also gaining new insight on my to be profession, it was all so wonderful. The one noticeable thing at the symposium was not the programmes, but the breaks. Oh god we had so many breaks and food served!! Malaysian culture I suppose? But I got very tired of eating. LOL. At the symposium, I learned how to present my future Final Year Project. Like, I have never been really exposed to these kind of things so it was a really good experience. I also learned how to be meticulous in my work and my future research. Another stupid thing happened there though. My right eye was inflamed or something. It turned blood red and became horribly painful the 3 days I was there. At one point I was walking around UM with just one contacts on. Amazingly, the inflammation subsided once I came home. Which was stupid.

After the symposium on Sunday, we all reached KL sentral and I waited for my course mates to board their train before I left for home. We reached around 6pm and the train was at 9pm, so I waited till 9pm until everyone went home.

UTAR at MYSYMBIOS UM

4)NEXT SEMESTER
Next semester, I will be a Final Year Student. I can't believe it is finally happening. I am so excited!! I am taking 6 subjects again and I really think I can handle it :)


Overall, my life is great. It's just that, I have been feeling a little uneasy for a while mostly because I haven't gone to church, and also, I think my stupid mind is more focused on how much more I have to go rather than see how much I have already accomplished. I'm also a little edgy because boyfie is going through a bad mood period and I can feel his aura, which I react to. But overall, I can say my life is good. Boyfie made two statements since I came here, (1) I have no friends, and (2) I don't do much but study. Well, at first I was upset because he was right, I had no close friends. There are a lot of important people to me back in Kampar but the ones I was closest to are gone (thank God and praise God for that). But honestly, when I think about it, I am happy being by myself. I work harder and better when I am alone and honestly I don't really like depending on anyone anymore. It's just more, productive being alone. And as for not really having a life, haha, well, I have to agree. I have been on full drive mode with my studies this semester. I think I'll branch out a bit and do more social things for the coming semester. It will be good :)

I don't know what to write anymore. I think I have written everything that happened last semester in a nutshell. Something like that. I do hope to blog more.

xoxo

Finals week

I just woke up from a nap. This is Finals week and I just had my second paper this morning. I did ok, but when I think back of all the effort I put in, I feel like I deserve an A..But that's not going to happen because the paper wasn't good enough for an A. And that's a very disappointing feeling, because this semester, I have been working my ass of. And studying hours and hours until I have fallen terribly sick. And yet, it just isnt good enough... Sorta disappointing. 

But I guess I have to be grateful, because I know that my grades will be better this semester than it has ever been since I started university. And it's a step forward. 

Overall, this semester has been good. I have my third paper on Wednesday, so I should start studying in a while.

You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

Thoughts are flames. Let me show you how they burn

Something happened when I was in my First year first sem. I felt like all the anger and fury and rebellious nature blowing up, and I found people who enabled me. I was a force to be reckoned with, in a bad way. It wasnt a surprise when I found out that a lot of people didnt like me in my first semester. A lot of people disdained me. I was loud, I was fearless, annoying and there was no filter in my mouth. I wore what I liked, I didnt care about the university system, I did what I liked and when I liked it. I was loud and crazy. I wasnt what you called a Science student. If you saw me back then, you would bet I was a soon to be dropout. I called myself badass and I had no preferance for rules. I was amazing in my own demented way. Yea, that's the word. I was demented.

It cost me a lot. It cost me friendship, good grades, first impressions, good influences. People talked about me in uni and it wasnt in a good way. It almost cost me my future.

The thing was, I was all those things, but I expressed them in a brutally negative way. It took me almost 2 years and a lot of drama and life lessons to get my life story straight. To be on the right path. I think I am on it right now. I am still fearless. But fearless for the right reasons. I have learnt the power of words, and I can safely say I have a filter in my mouth and after months of 'brutal' training from my boyfie I have learnt when to say what. I make the university system work for me, instead of blindly going against it just cause, and I have learnt when to be this and when to be that. I am still loud and crazy, but for the right reasons. I dress well in uni and if you look at me now, you would think I was some kind of A list student. I still call myself a badass. I still am. But I have learnt on what to be a badass at.

A lot has changed in 3 years. And there's still another year left. And soon I will be a working adult. And metamorphosis more. Change for the better. Be better. Be badass

Back to Church

Hello... Its a quiet Saturday. Well Saturday is gone. Its Sunday now. I, am still procrastinating on my work because my ovaries are throwing their monthly tantrums at me and I couldnt be bothered to get out of bed muahahaha. However, the week has been wonderful to me, and I gained a lot of insight on a lot of things. For starters, I went back to church. This thought has been bugging me for ages and I finally got the guts to go back to church. Needless to say, it was like I never left. I am definitely going back next week. And the next, and the next... always.

I also added my cousin on Facebook. Well, I blocked her out of seeing my posts and pictures but she's there. Reading her statuses and posts made me realise something. Something about myself actually. I try too hard to go against the norm. It's not a bad thing, but it's just that, I realised I do that. I dont want to be associated with a certain stereotype, a certain trend. I want to be seen as different. I want to be accepted by everyone. I actually sorta disliked the fact that my cousin keeps posting scriptures and telling people 'dont do this' and 'dont do that'. I felt like, well... if you were a nonbeliever, and someone just came and threw bible words at you without even knowing or acknowledging who you are, would you accept or even try to understand what that Christian is trying to tell you?

I read this on tumblr today
“The modern church does not worship idols of gold or stone, she worships the gods of human effort and will power. Morality has become our Molech and and behavior our Ba’al, while the person and work of Christ is strangely missing from our messages, meetings and media.”

— Jeff Turner, Revival or Riots

I have to agree with Jeff. In my family, faith is determined by human effort and will power. And well, as we all know, I am not accepted by my family because my morales differ from theirs and my behavior is not seen as acceptable. But in my few years with Christ, I still dont understand why I have to act, talk and behave a certain way to be seen as a Christian. When I do something, or talk a certain way, people (family) assume I have lost my faith. I do not believe in going around and telling people the 'laws' of God. I do not believe in telling people they are wrong and they have to turn back before they are condemned to hell. If it was me, I want someone to accept me for who I was, sinner and blasphemer, and love that person. I would want to know what kind of God would love someone like me. I would want that knowledge to lead me towards turning back. That's what happened to me. I wasnt moved at all by this lady who always came to my house and told me I was a sinner. What moved me into knowing God was the love my church and my youth group showed towards me. Picking me up from my house, sending me home, inviting me to their house for sleepovers and taking me out shopping and doing fun things with me when in truth, they didnt have to, because I was of no gain. Them, doing that changed my view about God. If their love of God could move them to love someone like me, then this God must be different. And so I learnt about Him. And I wanted Him in my life.

But still, even with my principles, I still havent figured out how to move from that first step of accepting people and not judging them. I dont know how to tell them, my God is amazing and you should come find out for yourself. That is also part of the reason why, I went back to church. I guessed, as much as I loved God, my knowledge of him was still sparse. And maybe if I knew God more, I would know how to reach out to people. And if I knew the Holy Spirit more, I would learn how to listen to His directions when reaching out.

It's not wrong to be flawed. It's not wrong to have weaknesses. It's not wrong to be wrong. What is wrong is hiding it from God and behaving like everything is ok. Coz if everything is ok, you would not need Him. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am weak and useless without Him. But with Him in my life, I see myself doing great things. 

Transposons

On monday, I learnt about transposons. To put it simply, they are part of your DNA that love to migrate from one part of the other, copy and paste themselves anywhere they are inclined to, and are almost always inactivated because of their 'evil' tendencies. Let loose, they cause problems, like diseases and other awful things. Which sorta led me to think... That's what we are. Well, that's what I am. I dont think holy all the time. In fact most of the time my mind is in a twisted place. I have evil tendencies. But guess what? Transposons are quietened down by methylation. Basically, in lay-mans term, 'bodyguards' go and attach themselves to these transposons, and shut them up. So even if they are still there... they cant do jackshit. I think, when Jesus died for us, his blood, became the part that methylated out evil tendencies, and our 'bad parts'. It quietened them. I dunno. It's random. But I do know that without God, without knowing Him, without he presence and sometimes, fear of him in my life... I would be acting out these evil tendencies... Without God, if I had to choose good and bad, I wouldnt even skip a beat choosing the bad side. But He keeps me in check. My 'transposons' are silent. 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

Weekend Rant :D

I'm back!!!

So, I went back home for a long weekend/short holiday. I must say, it was pretty nice. I absolutely love being with my new family. And my boyfriend is so sweet. Yes, he hated the hair and his housemate was cheeky and teased me. Oh, yea.. I cut my hair and I coloured it!! Wanna see?

Ignore the bra strap lol

haha!! New year, new colour. But bf didnt like the sides shaved too much! I like it though. But he gave me a lecture about it and it made me think. How I look, should portray the person I am, and this girl in the picture looks hardcore, rugged and not at all the classy Biomedical Science student who wants to be an overachiever and the model student she yearns to be. And also, the look makes me unapproachable. Which is the opposite of what I want. I want to be approachable!!

Anyhoo, I really liked my weekend. Slept like a baby, pampered like a Queen and ate like a pig.

Now that I am back in Kampar, it's all business. And no more games. But as usual, I'm on facebook trolling.
And I saw and read the new post by Lauren titled 'We are abominations". Something I really want you to read, and get an insight on. My boyfriend and I share very different views on homosexuality. He insists that it is an abomination, and honestly I dont know how to argue with him. Because I am not sure myself. I am bisexual myself and I cannot help how I feel about girls and boys alike, and I dont know if that is wrong or that is right. All I know is that God accepts us all. So I stick to that part. Reading Lauren's post made it so much clearer for me to explain why I accept my LGBT members without any judgement. It was like she read my mind and put it into words. So I am sharing this with you. I agree with what she said and I am not ashamed of it. Call me blasphemous, judge my faith, or you can agree with me.

And another thing is, I always have people asking me, why I am dating an African. And why I never date or consider dating a Malaysian, especially my own race. Easiest example is today. Today is Thaipusam. The whole Indian lot is outside celebrating the death of the demon and the victory of god. Great. But Indian guys!!! What's with the whole rowdism??? Honestly I cannot stand the attitude of my generation. Not to label everyone as the same but the majority of Indian boys today put me to shame. I was actually proud that I looked more African than Indian today. Tamil movies influences and the likes of actions heros like Vijay and Ajith is honestly dragging the indian generation down. Have you guys ever heard of classy? I was waiting for my train and holy mother of pizza I got so many cat calls and wolf howlings and some of them thought I was a foreigner and started talking so lewdly I had to put on my bitch stare face the whole time. On the contrary, while I was buying food from one of the fast food joints there, an African guy with his girl, politely offered me his place on queue when he saw me with big bags and stuff. And a group of African guys offered me a place to sit outside Dunkin donuts so I can sit my ass down and wait for the train. When I go to Nilai, yes, the Africans there flirt, but they are so polite and friendly and non threatening at all that you dont panic and start looking for the nearest police station or a crowded shop to hide in like I do when I see Indian guys. Indians, you belong to one of the greatest empires of all. You are known for your intelligence, your creativity, culture and wonderful genes. Dont dumb it down because some idiot on tv does it with the help of ropes and a drunk script writer. And dont behave like thugs. Not classy, and you're ruining your future. And dont take it the wrong way. I'm not ashamed of being an Indian girl. I consider myself lucky to be an Indian and I'm damn proud of being one, and no matter what nobody can take that away from me. But honestly, how are we portraying ourselves to the world? As Malaysians. As Malaysian Indians. I want people to hear the word 'Indian' and go "wow".. not eww..
And so, that's the end of my rant. And also the beginning of hell. Need to clean my room and prepare for tomorrow. 

Thank God

I am sorry if I complain too much. Maybe I'm too accustomed to complaining. Today I saw that I have so much goodness around me. Good things happening. I thank God. I thank God for this year. I thank God for the year that started out surrounded by people who adore me and a man who is absolutely crazy about me,who thinks I'm perfect and who loves me unconditionally, and more importantly loves God too. I thank God that my financial needs have been met, that I always have enough or more than enough. I thank God for my parents. I thank God for the for the friends I have in my life, though we may not be close, every moment spent together is productive and memorable. I thank God for the purging He did in my life last year, for without it, I would still be a spoilt brat and I would never know the importance of education and a future. I thank God for the peace and contentment, even in my alone times I can still see the wonderful days ahead of me. I thank God for eagerness I have now to study. I have made the most difficult subject of the semester into the most interesting one, and I'm loving it(aced my tutorial today by the way). I thank God for the time left in my life, and how He gave me a second chance to use it well. And I thank God for making me victorious after a period of being trodden over and being put down by enemies. I thank God for never failing me and never letting me down.

I feel on top of the world today. I see my life, and I see the good. And I see the bad being 'washed' away, both  figuratively and literally.

So much to thank God for. What the pikachu was I so upset and angry over?

The good and the bad

I had the craziest dream. Ok, it was a nightmare. And I have lucid dreams, which means I am aware that I am dreaming, and sometimes I can exert some sort of control over my dreams. And my dreams are very realistic and vivid. Which is scary if I have nightmares. This time I dreamt about murdering someone and hiding all evidence, only to go on a killing rampage. I still remember one part of the dream where I check my revolver for remaining bullets and conscious me is like "Why the fuck is the bullet all funny looking?" I am naturally a sweet person, I don't like hurting anything and if I do, the guilt that envelopes is a very painful thing to experience, and oh gosh the guilt I felt in my nightmare... So weird. Worst part is I woke up thinking it really happened and it was not a dream but a flashback! Panicked for a moment and then realised it was a dream. 


I think I have been watching and researching too much Resident Evil. 


On a sweeter note, the only thought that calmed me down was the thought of him. I honestly miss home and I really miss my queen bed with my own softer more hug-able version of a bolster. And I miss him. He is honestly my most favourite person in the whole world. It's just the things he does for me. I don't ever remember slogging in the kitchen when I'm there. He does it for me. He becomes mummy during meal times. Cooks the simplest yet most delicious food. I'm actually yearning for custard. He always makes it for me and it's sweet and it doesn't hurt my teeth so its truly my favourite food there. And he knows I like chocolate/strawberry milk and sweet things so when he goes out he gets me those. And if there is a late football match and I'm already groggy and tired he puts me to bed and hugs me for a bit and makes sure my bolster is near me and all that before he goes downstairs. And he wakes up before I do, always, so he can finish his work and his prayers and all that because he knows when I'm awake I'm going to need attention. And when Pinky was spoilt and there was a possibility she would not get better, he knew how upset I was and ignored his work to make me smile. Of course, we have a lot of arguments. Most of them are stupid and caused by differences in culture and opinion, but I dont ever remember sulking for more than an hour. We usually forget and go back to being obnoxiously close. 


It's the small things. He makes me very happy. And it makes every problem seem quite small. And he has brought me closer to God. He has become my mentor. He tells me about God in such a personal way I feel like I know Him too. We all know I have a problem with that. 


I really miss him. And it sucks Valentine's day is on a Tuesday. I can't skip Monday because I would be missing tonnes of lectures and I can't miss Tuesday either- its practical week. I have labs. I'm sure we'll come up with something. 


I think I'm going back to bed for a couple more hours before I tackle Genetics tutorial. It's very difficult and I think its going to be my most challenging subject this semester. But I found this amazing study note and I made my own from it, so I understand the gist of it now. I think I will be fine :) 


xoxo

New things

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. It was such half assed posts and I am not in the business of being half assed hehe.

So, officially, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 2012 is being so good to me, and Mohawk is well pleased. I spent the whole semester break with my boyfriend. Which was really great. One month of good sleep, good food and an awesome flatscreen tv to cure my random bored moments. I honestly had a good time. Christmas was nothing special, we went out for a bit, and then spent the entire day at home with friends. I was exhausted by 6pm and fell asleep. New year was very different to me, because when the clock struck 12, I was in my room and I could hear my boyfriend's friends praying downstairs and then me and my boyfriend had our own prayers too. I have never started a new year with prayers. Usually it's saying "Happy New Year" to everyone and falling asleep to tv. Some bad things happened too. When I turned my computer on after a couple days there, I realised the keyboard wasnt working. I'm going to blame the commuter for this. Everytime I ride the commuter, I get packed in like a tin of sardines(worse actually) and that day I still remember I had to take my lappy bag of so I have room to move and the bag got kicked around. So I didnt have my computer for a whole month. Which sucked and gave me quite a scare because when the keyboard stops working its probably the keyboard being faulty of the motherboard decided to 'kaput' on you. Thankfully it was just my keyboard and all is fine now :) The day I found out the 'prognosis' on my keyboard I still remember trying not to burst out in tears and bie was like "Ok, let's have a 10 minute crying session for Pinky" and started howling and made me laugh.

That experience, though made me realise a little more about me. I am not someone who gets stuck in a situation. Once I found out about Pinky, I was upset for a while, but then I started planning my next move. And I have always done that with every situation. I never sulk for long. I know I need to move on and start working on things, although emotionally I do tend to remember and hold it in.

Also, the one month break with my boyfriend changed me a lot. First, I learned I needed to grow up. Malaysian lifestyle is so different from from his lifestyle. I had to learn how to behave around him, and his friends, what I am supposed to, and not supposed to say etc. I also became quite the grocery shopper. Proud of myself hehe. I also learned the importance of reaching out to God, and having God in every action I do. Actually the most memorable conversation I had with Bie was about God. I asked him if we could ask God for material things and if that was ok with Him and that sent Bie on a long conversation about God and the Old Testament and such. It was so interesting and gave me a new perspective of God.

There were downsides too, as my boyfriend is actually a strict no-nonsense guy and I am the exact opposite of him. Many times I got reprimanded and once he yelled at me in front of his housemate which sent me on a day long crying session. It was my fault. I have some old habits that are results of my past and was further condoned by former 'playmates'(friends) and it was so childish and wrong of me. But it did feel exasperating at times because I felt like someone cut my tail of haha! It was all good though. I never felt more at home and belonging than when I was there with him and the rest.

The new semester has started and Day one was crazy. I had 5 back to back lectures with only an hour in between two classes and I was rushing to the faculty office and meeting lecturers and buying stuff and returning books and getting new ones. I was rushing everywhere!! It was honestly a tiring day and today will be too but it's alright because tomorrow I have no class. YAY ME! This semester all my science subjects include DNA/gene studies and DNA is my weakest topic. It always has been but I am in such a good mood this year I am going to make sure I ace this semester too.

Ok, time to get a couple more hours of sleep before I get ready for class. Love you all!

xoxo

Boredom kills

The restlessness is slowly killing me. I actually opened my wardrobe a couple times to check if Narnia was back there, and then behind the mirror just to be sure. No, I'm not doped on anything. Except for maybe the amazing omelette rice I had earlier. I dont know what I wanna do. I wanna go fishing right now, but going to that lake at this hour is basically digging my own grave. Not because of creatures that live in it, rather the creatures that decide to drink alcohol by it. The perfect semester break would be a roadtrip. A roadtrip that involves good food, plenty of shopping, a few days by the beach, and a trip to Gentings where we waste more money and sulk by drinking Caramel Macchiatos at Starbucks, with extra whipped cream, of course. But every semester break is the same. I stare at the computer everyday and try to figure out what to do. Last semester break was a little different. It involved staring at the huge flatscreen watching football.

I dont want to live an ordinary life. This is all so ordinary for me. Sure, other people have it worse. But being not able to live as you dream of is equally horrible in its own way too.

So why not do it? Why not have that roadtrip? Because a roadtrip means money. Renting a car, and gas and toll. It also means you need a bunch of friends, which I dont have. And also shopping means having the money and the body for it. Which I dont. And I really want to go to the beach and wear a bikini. Which I cant.

So much negativity these past few days. I think its the boredom that is talking. I hope I sound more cheery in a couple more days. 

Beautiful like me-Joydrop

I have been so bored today. Its only Day 2 of my semester break. What started out as a 'Tumblr rape', ended up in watching youtube videos about eating disorders and all those shit I used to do 2 years ago.I feel like I'm in some sort of a relapse, and it's so much easier now that no one is even bothered to check on me. Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone to. I'm just venting out my frustration. Most of it focused on my mum and dad at the moment. My parents are awesome, up to a point. They send me money, every time I run short to pay my student bill, money is there somehow.My parents keep me comfortable while I slough at university. My dad calls me and tells me when he has banked in. They do a lot to make sure I graduate. But that's about it. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with them. When I tell them I have exams, they ask how I did in it and I usually say I did alright and that's the end of it. 

My mum texts me about my aunt and her daughter, and how they are doing and what they are doing and happenings in churches nearby and how great some pastor is. But she never asks about me. She never asks how I'm doing and what my plans are for the day or if I wanted to hang out with her and go shopping or something. When the attention is actually on me, its about the weight, or the smoking, having bad friends, straying of. If its something good, its about getting pants that fit or something tailored coz apparently retail clothing wont fit on me. I wouldn't mind if this was their normal behaviour, but they behave so differently with my cousin. When I'm at home and my aunt and my cousin come to visit, my parents talk to that girl.Like, normal conversations. About school and friends and her new haircut or something that you expect parents to talk to their kid about. While I try to concentrate on TV, fuming away but looking stoic about everything. How can I not relapse? 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I get my parents to look at me as a person, a child and not an asset, or a liability(I am still not sure what they see me as) is to look like Barbie and be perfect. So there is nothing to be seen as a flaw. I have stopped talking to them about school, friends, studies. I even lie when they ask me what I eat. I have been maintaining "I had bread for food" lie for months now. Bread is foolproof. I always listen to this song, 'Mirror' by Barlow girls and there is this verse, "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.I know He defines me". God defines me. Right? I shouldn't be bothered about what my parents say about me, or think. Right? So why am I so obsessed with getting their approval? So obsessed with that never to be seen pat on the back. And then I listen to 'Beautiful' by Joydrop and feel like that's the only way to get that approval. I'm just so confused. And I really 'megaloathe' my cousin. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because she will always be that competition that I will never win over. Which is superiorly silly because she is so much younger than me and I am so much more capable than her in so many ways. This act of being so desperate for parental approval is mental torture.

You are not Forgotten

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

I have a lot of favourite verses from the Bible, but till today, this means to me the most. It's the description of the blog! So you must know how much I love it. 


It's a verse that is very close to my heart. I've always dealt with this issue of being forgotten. God knows how many nights I have cried myself into a hangover like state and sobbed myself to sleep. I am forgotten, easily. I think, my birth mother has completely forgotten about me. If it wasn't for facebook, not many would remember my birthday. I've only received birthday presents once in my life, and my coursemates did a little celebration for my 20th birthday(I love you guys!). My mum has forgotten me at the moment, coz I suppose she is having fun with her family back in KL. My dad only ever remembers me when he thinks I have run out of money. A group of people I used to hang out with completely forgot about me and then decided to backstab me, repeatedly.


But I've always held on to this one promise. He... He has not forgotten me, not once. My name has been engraved on the palms of His hands. And that's permanent. I know this. I have 'engravements' on my hands too. Scars of emotional hurt, anger, disappointment, hate, self-loathing etc. They have been etched on top of another, but years have gone by and I can still see the early scars, right up to the last one. They are permanent. 


But God's markings are a different sort all together. They speak love, care, absolute adoration, blessing, hope, promises, dreams, salvation, an amazing life, and an even more amazing afterlife. 


One birthday, I think I was 8. It was the most horrible birthday I ever had. We were visiting relatives in KL, and my aunty was utterly horrible to me, on my birthday eve. She humiliated me in front of everyone and my parents didnt come to my defense. So I had to play the big girl and totally dissed her of and pretended like I was made of steel. But I still remember we were travelling back home that night and I was tearing up badly at the backseat of the car, under the shadow of night, asking God why nobody would care, or even bother to try and love me. I felt so unloved and unwanted that day. 


And I saw it. Just a flicker, and it was gone. But I saw it. It was a shooting star. A meteor shower, just for me, and I got to see one of them. Ever since that year, meteor shower season falls right after my birthday and I have had 3 years of meteor shower nights here in Kampar.  Its the August Perseid Meteor shower, which always falls around August 10-13 :)


It doesnt sound much, I know. But to me its His way of saying, "Hey, I remember you. You're my kid". 


So when I see these markings on my hands, I dont see them for what they were anymore. I see Isaiah 49:16. "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."


Ps:My exams are over!!! Tumblring like a boss (Geminids Meteor shower going on now, but Kampar too cloudy. I shall dream about them tonight :)

'Vegetable Incident'

When I first started preschool, there was a colouring contest, and we were supposed to colour in vegetables. And I got ALL the colours wrong. Everything. Even with my parents outside the window trying to 'play' charades with me on regards of the colours. I got them wrong. Yes, I was born an idiot. I still remember looking at everyone's artwork and feeling very small. Because I knew I was wrong. How in the world did I not know which colour to use?

There are so many incidents like that, that I remember which still kinds stings when I think about it.Since small, I have been taught to be independent, to take care of myself and to never depend on anybody to get my work done. With two adults in the house who are forever angry and bickering, it was easy for a small child to get lost in all of it.

But I have to thank God for all that. If it hadnt been for that 'vegetable incident' or the countless other 'incidents', I would never have pushed myself harder. I am a Biomedical student in her second year and improving every semester. I am course representative for my year and so far, I havent had any complains =P. My english is near impeccable and boy do I know how to use it. I read like a glutton and I can hold an adult conversation with ease. Politics, Philosophy, Theology, Science, plan rubbish talk, fashion, art, anything. You name it.I am a very confident person, I can talk to anybody and make them feel like they have known me for years. I'm very independent and resourceful and I am very determined. And I am very proud of who I am, what I have become and the potentials I have.

But I think a lot of it has God playing a big part in them. Sometimes I dont think it is me being that person, it's God who is giving me those traits.He was there all along. In my very challenging home, in my very depressing school life, the bullies, the ones who called me names, the lack of support. I blamed Him for not 'mollycuddling' me and I blamed my parents for not defending me. But one day I was watching my cousin and her mum interact and I realised, what her mum did was what I wanted from my parents, but if it had turned out that way, I could never have become what I am right now.

And today, I walk alone. I am alone in uni, I do my own thing. I cant believe I have survived the whole semester without anyone to hang out or be friends with. But I'm walking in a different tune, in a different sort of confidence. God confidence, not self confidence. It has taken me so many years to learn that, and a big upheaval in my life too. Again, God used the pain and hurt so I could gain something so much more important.

I may look like I have very little going on for me, but my heart feels full. I see plans, and potential and challenges and adventures. I really wouldnt change a thing. And if it takes a little more struggle to get there, I couldnt be happier.

Live with me

Usually when I write posts, I have some song in the background. It gets me to focus on what I have in mind, to write. Right now I'm listening to 'Live with me' by Massive Attack.

I am as strong as I am weak. I push people away from my life because I dont think they can handle how messed up I really am. I'm also scared that if I find the person who is willing to love me and take care of me no matter what, and by that I mean absolutely no matter what, I'll relapse into myself, and break down completely. My self harm, my suicidal ideation, my restriction/starvation-binge cycles, my depression.

I'm grateful for the person in my life now, but him not being able to accept some things actually give me strength  to not breakdown and give up.

And I trust God to get me out of this. He is going to make everything ok someday. He will. I'm sure. 

Cuddles and dreams

I don't like long distance relationships. I just don't like it. I like to be near the person I love, always, all the time. Right now, I'm in a 'mini' long distance relationship. Means I get to see boyfie whenever I want. But soon it wont be like that(the woes of being in love with someone who is not from your country). He has to go, eventually, and then it will be a 'normal' long distance relationship. And hopefully by that time I will be prepared enough, or even working so I can fly to him whenever I want muahaha.

Problem is, I used to worry so much about this. When I first met him, the first question I asked was, how long do you have in Malaysia? Only then did I pursue the love affair. But now, I dont worry about it. I am at peace with the idea. I completely trust God to make this work for us. Only two options can come out of this; that we are made for each other and we'll find each other again and be happily married or that we were not meant for each other and God has someone else in our lives. Either way, they both lead to a happy ending. I guess, thats why I dont get jittery about this issue anymore.

On a darker note, I think I'm relapsing to my old habits.  I am constantly on proana blogs/tumblrs and talking to the posters. My mind is constantly clouded with those old thoughts and it seems to me, I dont want to break away from them. Another battle I suppose. Another relapse, another cycle. I cannot go on a normal diet/exercise plan without drifting back into the underworld of eating habits. But I really need to lose a tonne of weight! And my evil side is laughing it's ass of because I have no one to force me to eat or have interventions for me, no one to lie to about eating and all that. I dont have to hide!I'll just do my thing :D right?? NO! I hate you evil side. Only I know how much pain this is going to cause me. Self destructive habits are out to play when there is no one to care. Evil side is also asking me to bug boyfie to take the offer to that stupid Kansas university so evil side can play with my eating habits and all that. I hate you evil side!

Gosh let's see how self control plays a part in all this life mockery.