Reminiscing

Couldn't sleep. So, I cleaned out my gmail. Found some old love letters from my ex I forwarded to my gmail from my old hotmail account.

It's been so long. I can barely remember him. I can barely remember me. Psychotic and damaged I should say. I'm so different now. I'm actually happy. I'm happy with my studies (yay final year!!), I'm happy with my boyfriend. I'm happy with my parents, although they can still be a pain. I've just learned to ignore them :)

Wow.. I cannot believe I've been with Austin for more than a year now. 14th July was our first anniversary. 23rd Sept is another day to be remembered :D They all said we wouldnt last. But we have grown stronger, and more in love and even more connected. And you know, before... when I was stupid and 'in love', I fell for the sweet words and the daily phone calls and gifts and crap. I didnt see the man I was with. I didnt 'see' him. But with Austin, it's different. He is a man's man. I dont get the sweet talk and gifts and the messages and full on texting. But when he calls, he means it. When there are sweet words, it is truthful and honest. No lies. No trying to seduce me. What he gives, is all of himself. He changed me in a way, he made me me. Only after he came into my life did I actually start focusing in my studies, actually focusing on my future. He didn't turn me into a love forlorn fantasy child. He turned me into a logical, practical, future driven young woman. He.. found me.

I'm happy. I'm contented. I remember an email I sent to my ex, saying that he's got the life he wants and I dont. It finally happened. I have the exact life I wanted. I wouldnt change a thing.

I miss my bie. I cant wait to see him after my finals!!!

God and me

Last night, was a night of horrible conviction, and repentance. I have to say.
Someone asked me, that everytime I turned back to God, and came back to church, I was usually in 'deep shit'. So, would that mean, that when everything gets better, I would turn back again? Honestly, at first, I felt insulted. The whole Wednesday church going, peace enjoying, fun having mood totally vanished into thin air. I actually came home tearing up. How could someone 'accuse' me of something like that? I have been happy, my life was on the right path again, and I was completely 'drama free'... right? So... why would that person say that to me??
Came home, cried and called my boyfriend. I was expecting him to say that's not true, and I've been great and so on. Nope.. He did not. He actually asked me to think about what the girl said, and ask myself if it was true ot not and not to lie to myself. He also said a lot of things that was quite saddening, but true. It was actually true. I did turn away from God when life was great. And when it all became one big mess, and I had nowhere to turn to, no one to run to... I ran to God. Boyfie said something... " You love me right? and you know I love you a lot. But, how would it feel... if I only came to you when I needed something, wanted something... but the rest of the time, I completely ignored  you? Wouldnt that hurt you a lot??" ...Yes.. it would... "Multiply that feeling by 70 times 7..."

:(

I didnt think of it that way. I actually caused pain to God by doing what I was doing. I never thought about Him in my happy times. Of course, I praised Him and thanked Him when I was having a good day, but I always kept Him 'up there'... inaccessible. And me down here. He became not so personal to me. He only did when I was rock bottom.

Ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Also, wondering, is that why, I havent been able to connect to Him the way others do? Is that why, I am always stuck in a circle? I asked boyfie that. You see, boyfie has this amazing relationship with God. He is totally connected. He knows his faith. He trusts Him and he knows Him. Something I dont quite understand yet. I didnt have that. So, I assumed because I came back to the wrong reason, God didnt wanna connect to me like He did with the others. But the thought was ludicrous. That wasnt God's nature... right? Boyfie told me to turn my sadness to a mood of submission prayer, and that God will answer. That I should stop judging myself because I never know if i came back for the right or wrong reasons. Only Father knows which. And that I should ask for forgiveness and hand over everything to him in prayer. He also asked me to read Psalm 51 everyday. Boyfie also said, God enjoys it when we talk to Him. Not just when we ask him things and pray for stuff. But just talking. He enjoys it. Something I dont do with Him. Something I feel ashamed of. And even more humbled and convicted because, I have been a Christian for 6 years, and while everyone I know have been progressing in their walk with God, I have been running around in circles, and still a 'handicapped child' when it comes to my walk in my faith.

Convicted. Ashamed. Undeserving. But with a renewed heart. I dont want what the person in church told me to be true. I dont want to still be running in circles when I'm 50. I dont want to be still laying my foundations when I am 75. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to have the same thing I see in my church friends. I want that joy. That different joy. Something I have been able to feel in my past walk with God, but have lost it.

Old me would have felt absolutely hurt and I would have decided to leave church after this. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not giving up on myself. He didnt. Everytime I hurt Him and left Him, He didnt give up on me. Everytime I came back, He still gave me 'presents' and a 'feast' eventhough I hurt Him countless times. So no, I'm not giving up on me. 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

Weekend trauma

This whole week has been so stressful! After a whole week of running around with barely any rest or time to just shut up and watch a movie quietly, I found myself asking a friend to run me of the emergency ward Friday night. My right side had been hurting the whole day but it got extremely bad at night and I couldnt sit,stand, lie down... anything! I was crouching like Gollum from LOTR until even that was unbearable so I checked myself in to the hospital. Thankfully, after 2 shots of really strong painkillers and some to take orally, the pain was quite bearable and they let me go home. Although I am a little pissed because they couldnt be bothered to do an x ray or something, I understand I suppose. With free medical healthcare like that, they have to do anything to save on resources(as in treat the symptoms and let go)... But what was more painful was that my parents couldnt be bothered to care. I told my parents and got nothing in response. I think I have completely lost them.

Today I went to Tesco. And I passed by the children's clothing section, and found myself mooning at all the uber cute baby clothes. I know!!! I'm too young for this nonsense, but honestly, I feel like I was made to be a mummy. Everything my mum did to me, taught me how not to be a parent. And, yea maybe I wont be the perfect mum, but my children will have the best they can get from me. I'm already so in love with my unborn children. So much in love. I'm not so sure about marriage though. If bie is the right person, so be it. Although I have to give it to him, anyone who has children with that man would be the luckiest person ever. I just hope I'm someday brave enough to want to get married and have babies.

But for now, I'm focusing on my own future, my education. So I can get a good job, and a good life, and give myself and my kids a good start in life. 

Midnight rant

I'm having a horrible migraine and I cant sleep. So I decided to blog about my new phone and other rants before I bore myself with my topic.

I got this phone last week!!! Well this is not my phone, as I cant take a picture of my phone. But it's the exact same model! I named it Shoashums. It's such a good phone. Honestly, when I had a pda it wasnt of much use to me but this little smartass is like my personal assistant. She is my alarm clock, my camera, my mp3 player, my reminder, my bible, my bible plan, my entertainment, my everything. At some point I dont even bother to turn the computer on because I can just use my phone to do it. Totally love my phone.

I have so much to do tomorrow I dont even know where to start. I have tonnes of work for the next couple months so yes, the migraine is a sign I'm thinking way out of my limits and I need to chill. I dont know how dean list students do it. I can barely make it to 2.0. Maybe I need a plan, and lay of the social networks a bit. The downside of having this phone is I get to Facebook all the time!

My dad gave me $10 for February. I dunno how they think I can manage with that much money =.=
Things between my parents are a little distant at the moment. Mostly because they are eyeing my loan money like vultures...  I know it sounds harsh, but I'd like to use that money to get some nice things for myself. Like makeup, and clothes and shoes. Girly? Yes.. but I am at the stage where I want to look nice, taking care of myself, looking positive, having a positive attitude, and it's always nice to wake up and get dressed up and look nice for uni, coz well, I spend ALL day in uni and I practically have no life in Kampar, and it feels nice to look good in uni. You know...

Sometimes, I want to write a long letter to my parents, and introduce them to me, who I am, who I have become, what I like, what I dislike, basically like a cv, but then I realise unless they open their eyes and heart  and see me, there's nothing I can do except wait and hope.

And I really miss my boyfriend. We havent been together for ages. But he knows who I am, he knows all my moves, all my likes, dislikes, even without me telling him. It's so much easier to love someone when you see them putting the same effort too. I made an effort with my parents. I let them in, I tell them my secrets, I listen to their complains, I put a effort to wear the clothes they like to see me in, I follow the horrendous diet plans they put me in, I tried. But they betrayed my trust, they belittle me, they blame me for their mistakes. All that. And so I decided, who wants such negativity? And yea, I'm keeping away from them. I feel like life is too short to go around in circles and regret and whine about every misfortune. It's ok to feel that way, but you cannot let yourself immerse in that sadness, or it will get to you. Trust me. It got to me.

So I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude about everything now. Its working for me. And yes now I'm sleepy... I think I bore myself. Tomorrow is a long day, as every day turns out to be. haha.

xoxo

Weekend Rant :D

I'm back!!!

So, I went back home for a long weekend/short holiday. I must say, it was pretty nice. I absolutely love being with my new family. And my boyfriend is so sweet. Yes, he hated the hair and his housemate was cheeky and teased me. Oh, yea.. I cut my hair and I coloured it!! Wanna see?

Ignore the bra strap lol

haha!! New year, new colour. But bf didnt like the sides shaved too much! I like it though. But he gave me a lecture about it and it made me think. How I look, should portray the person I am, and this girl in the picture looks hardcore, rugged and not at all the classy Biomedical Science student who wants to be an overachiever and the model student she yearns to be. And also, the look makes me unapproachable. Which is the opposite of what I want. I want to be approachable!!

Anyhoo, I really liked my weekend. Slept like a baby, pampered like a Queen and ate like a pig.

Now that I am back in Kampar, it's all business. And no more games. But as usual, I'm on facebook trolling.
And I saw and read the new post by Lauren titled 'We are abominations". Something I really want you to read, and get an insight on. My boyfriend and I share very different views on homosexuality. He insists that it is an abomination, and honestly I dont know how to argue with him. Because I am not sure myself. I am bisexual myself and I cannot help how I feel about girls and boys alike, and I dont know if that is wrong or that is right. All I know is that God accepts us all. So I stick to that part. Reading Lauren's post made it so much clearer for me to explain why I accept my LGBT members without any judgement. It was like she read my mind and put it into words. So I am sharing this with you. I agree with what she said and I am not ashamed of it. Call me blasphemous, judge my faith, or you can agree with me.

And another thing is, I always have people asking me, why I am dating an African. And why I never date or consider dating a Malaysian, especially my own race. Easiest example is today. Today is Thaipusam. The whole Indian lot is outside celebrating the death of the demon and the victory of god. Great. But Indian guys!!! What's with the whole rowdism??? Honestly I cannot stand the attitude of my generation. Not to label everyone as the same but the majority of Indian boys today put me to shame. I was actually proud that I looked more African than Indian today. Tamil movies influences and the likes of actions heros like Vijay and Ajith is honestly dragging the indian generation down. Have you guys ever heard of classy? I was waiting for my train and holy mother of pizza I got so many cat calls and wolf howlings and some of them thought I was a foreigner and started talking so lewdly I had to put on my bitch stare face the whole time. On the contrary, while I was buying food from one of the fast food joints there, an African guy with his girl, politely offered me his place on queue when he saw me with big bags and stuff. And a group of African guys offered me a place to sit outside Dunkin donuts so I can sit my ass down and wait for the train. When I go to Nilai, yes, the Africans there flirt, but they are so polite and friendly and non threatening at all that you dont panic and start looking for the nearest police station or a crowded shop to hide in like I do when I see Indian guys. Indians, you belong to one of the greatest empires of all. You are known for your intelligence, your creativity, culture and wonderful genes. Dont dumb it down because some idiot on tv does it with the help of ropes and a drunk script writer. And dont behave like thugs. Not classy, and you're ruining your future. And dont take it the wrong way. I'm not ashamed of being an Indian girl. I consider myself lucky to be an Indian and I'm damn proud of being one, and no matter what nobody can take that away from me. But honestly, how are we portraying ourselves to the world? As Malaysians. As Malaysian Indians. I want people to hear the word 'Indian' and go "wow".. not eww..
And so, that's the end of my rant. And also the beginning of hell. Need to clean my room and prepare for tomorrow. 

The good and the bad

I had the craziest dream. Ok, it was a nightmare. And I have lucid dreams, which means I am aware that I am dreaming, and sometimes I can exert some sort of control over my dreams. And my dreams are very realistic and vivid. Which is scary if I have nightmares. This time I dreamt about murdering someone and hiding all evidence, only to go on a killing rampage. I still remember one part of the dream where I check my revolver for remaining bullets and conscious me is like "Why the fuck is the bullet all funny looking?" I am naturally a sweet person, I don't like hurting anything and if I do, the guilt that envelopes is a very painful thing to experience, and oh gosh the guilt I felt in my nightmare... So weird. Worst part is I woke up thinking it really happened and it was not a dream but a flashback! Panicked for a moment and then realised it was a dream. 


I think I have been watching and researching too much Resident Evil. 


On a sweeter note, the only thought that calmed me down was the thought of him. I honestly miss home and I really miss my queen bed with my own softer more hug-able version of a bolster. And I miss him. He is honestly my most favourite person in the whole world. It's just the things he does for me. I don't ever remember slogging in the kitchen when I'm there. He does it for me. He becomes mummy during meal times. Cooks the simplest yet most delicious food. I'm actually yearning for custard. He always makes it for me and it's sweet and it doesn't hurt my teeth so its truly my favourite food there. And he knows I like chocolate/strawberry milk and sweet things so when he goes out he gets me those. And if there is a late football match and I'm already groggy and tired he puts me to bed and hugs me for a bit and makes sure my bolster is near me and all that before he goes downstairs. And he wakes up before I do, always, so he can finish his work and his prayers and all that because he knows when I'm awake I'm going to need attention. And when Pinky was spoilt and there was a possibility she would not get better, he knew how upset I was and ignored his work to make me smile. Of course, we have a lot of arguments. Most of them are stupid and caused by differences in culture and opinion, but I dont ever remember sulking for more than an hour. We usually forget and go back to being obnoxiously close. 


It's the small things. He makes me very happy. And it makes every problem seem quite small. And he has brought me closer to God. He has become my mentor. He tells me about God in such a personal way I feel like I know Him too. We all know I have a problem with that. 


I really miss him. And it sucks Valentine's day is on a Tuesday. I can't skip Monday because I would be missing tonnes of lectures and I can't miss Tuesday either- its practical week. I have labs. I'm sure we'll come up with something. 


I think I'm going back to bed for a couple more hours before I tackle Genetics tutorial. It's very difficult and I think its going to be my most challenging subject this semester. But I found this amazing study note and I made my own from it, so I understand the gist of it now. I think I will be fine :) 


xoxo

Dreaming

I dreamed about you. It was nothing fancy, a little crazy. But the happiest part of my dream was that I was talking to you. And you were talking to me. And you have no idea how much it psyches me up just doing that. 


Cant wait to see you soon. 

Para-para paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep. 
And dreamed of para-para paradise"

Mixed feelings. Some things are happening, and I dont know what to make of it. I don't know if it will get better, or worse. The worse part is, I cannot talk to anyone about it. Recently I have resorted to Befrienders to just talk. Last night I had a good cry talking to a lady named Karen. Befrienders are nice, but you never expect to be so isolated and alone that you have to resort to strangers to get some comfort. I cant talk to boyfie about it. He is the sweetest, most caring guy anyone would ever meet but this one issue I am not allowed to talk to him. 


I still cling on to the trust I have in God though. I don't know where He is taking me, and the life He has prepared for me. But I give up trying to figure out, and I hope that God will lead me through it all. I mean, He knows what He is doing. That's obvious. 


I just want this year to be ok. To be good. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes, and I dont want to remember this year as the 23rd consecutively fucked up year. Actually I just wanna go home. And be with my boyfie, and 'rape' the new playstation 3. It's my safe haven. 


I really did expect the world. I just don't know why it's not happening yet. I don't wanna be 40 and still waiting for the dreams to come true. And most of all, I dont want to be alone. I'm learning how to be alone, and I'm doing pretty well, but I don't fancy it. I want a family. I want my parents to love me again. I want really good friends, not life sucking human beings. And I want boyfie with me forever. 


I have not existed this whole week. It's like I have been flung out of the map. Not one call from anyone except boyfie. I think if the holidays were longer, I would be completely forgotten. I don't wanna be forgotten. 


So, I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for things to be great. It's good for now, but I want great. 

I 'has' a goal

I cant sleep. Yet again. And I think it's too late to sleep as I have class in the morning. I have been thinking about what I want this year. Goals. Well, I wont call them resolutions because I have not once attained the things in my resolutions. Never. But this year, I feel the wind of change blowing on my side, and I am quite excited about it. One of it is something I have been trying to achieve for the past, let's see... actually all my life. I have tried it my way, my mother's way, the internet's way, the crooked way, the self destructing way, but have gone nowhere. I'm trying again this year, a little help from God and also a better constructed plan. Hopefully, I attain it. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??) Oh... I'm trying to lose weight. Mostly because (1)I'm a girl and (2) I really wanna wear pretty clothes!!  I came up with a plan, and let's see how this works out for me.

I found this amazing pair of jeans that I desperately want to wear from Victoria's Secret.

I know... its PINK!! I love it though!! My goal is to be able to wear this pink jeans in the size I want by end of this year. Possible? Let's hope.

It feels weird that I have absolutely no pressure from my boyfriend about losing weight. In fact he adores me. Which is awesome. And I have completely blocked out my mum from my head. So this time, I'm doing it all for me. Which is refreshing.

Hey did you know that eating the same food over and over again makes you lose weight?

xoxo

New things

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. It was such half assed posts and I am not in the business of being half assed hehe.

So, officially, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 2012 is being so good to me, and Mohawk is well pleased. I spent the whole semester break with my boyfriend. Which was really great. One month of good sleep, good food and an awesome flatscreen tv to cure my random bored moments. I honestly had a good time. Christmas was nothing special, we went out for a bit, and then spent the entire day at home with friends. I was exhausted by 6pm and fell asleep. New year was very different to me, because when the clock struck 12, I was in my room and I could hear my boyfriend's friends praying downstairs and then me and my boyfriend had our own prayers too. I have never started a new year with prayers. Usually it's saying "Happy New Year" to everyone and falling asleep to tv. Some bad things happened too. When I turned my computer on after a couple days there, I realised the keyboard wasnt working. I'm going to blame the commuter for this. Everytime I ride the commuter, I get packed in like a tin of sardines(worse actually) and that day I still remember I had to take my lappy bag of so I have room to move and the bag got kicked around. So I didnt have my computer for a whole month. Which sucked and gave me quite a scare because when the keyboard stops working its probably the keyboard being faulty of the motherboard decided to 'kaput' on you. Thankfully it was just my keyboard and all is fine now :) The day I found out the 'prognosis' on my keyboard I still remember trying not to burst out in tears and bie was like "Ok, let's have a 10 minute crying session for Pinky" and started howling and made me laugh.

That experience, though made me realise a little more about me. I am not someone who gets stuck in a situation. Once I found out about Pinky, I was upset for a while, but then I started planning my next move. And I have always done that with every situation. I never sulk for long. I know I need to move on and start working on things, although emotionally I do tend to remember and hold it in.

Also, the one month break with my boyfriend changed me a lot. First, I learned I needed to grow up. Malaysian lifestyle is so different from from his lifestyle. I had to learn how to behave around him, and his friends, what I am supposed to, and not supposed to say etc. I also became quite the grocery shopper. Proud of myself hehe. I also learned the importance of reaching out to God, and having God in every action I do. Actually the most memorable conversation I had with Bie was about God. I asked him if we could ask God for material things and if that was ok with Him and that sent Bie on a long conversation about God and the Old Testament and such. It was so interesting and gave me a new perspective of God.

There were downsides too, as my boyfriend is actually a strict no-nonsense guy and I am the exact opposite of him. Many times I got reprimanded and once he yelled at me in front of his housemate which sent me on a day long crying session. It was my fault. I have some old habits that are results of my past and was further condoned by former 'playmates'(friends) and it was so childish and wrong of me. But it did feel exasperating at times because I felt like someone cut my tail of haha! It was all good though. I never felt more at home and belonging than when I was there with him and the rest.

The new semester has started and Day one was crazy. I had 5 back to back lectures with only an hour in between two classes and I was rushing to the faculty office and meeting lecturers and buying stuff and returning books and getting new ones. I was rushing everywhere!! It was honestly a tiring day and today will be too but it's alright because tomorrow I have no class. YAY ME! This semester all my science subjects include DNA/gene studies and DNA is my weakest topic. It always has been but I am in such a good mood this year I am going to make sure I ace this semester too.

Ok, time to get a couple more hours of sleep before I get ready for class. Love you all!

xoxo

Cuddles and dreams

I don't like long distance relationships. I just don't like it. I like to be near the person I love, always, all the time. Right now, I'm in a 'mini' long distance relationship. Means I get to see boyfie whenever I want. But soon it wont be like that(the woes of being in love with someone who is not from your country). He has to go, eventually, and then it will be a 'normal' long distance relationship. And hopefully by that time I will be prepared enough, or even working so I can fly to him whenever I want muahaha.

Problem is, I used to worry so much about this. When I first met him, the first question I asked was, how long do you have in Malaysia? Only then did I pursue the love affair. But now, I dont worry about it. I am at peace with the idea. I completely trust God to make this work for us. Only two options can come out of this; that we are made for each other and we'll find each other again and be happily married or that we were not meant for each other and God has someone else in our lives. Either way, they both lead to a happy ending. I guess, thats why I dont get jittery about this issue anymore.

On a darker note, I think I'm relapsing to my old habits.  I am constantly on proana blogs/tumblrs and talking to the posters. My mind is constantly clouded with those old thoughts and it seems to me, I dont want to break away from them. Another battle I suppose. Another relapse, another cycle. I cannot go on a normal diet/exercise plan without drifting back into the underworld of eating habits. But I really need to lose a tonne of weight! And my evil side is laughing it's ass of because I have no one to force me to eat or have interventions for me, no one to lie to about eating and all that. I dont have to hide!I'll just do my thing :D right?? NO! I hate you evil side. Only I know how much pain this is going to cause me. Self destructive habits are out to play when there is no one to care. Evil side is also asking me to bug boyfie to take the offer to that stupid Kansas university so evil side can play with my eating habits and all that. I hate you evil side!

Gosh let's see how self control plays a part in all this life mockery. 

Missing you

I'm missing you more than usual today. I miss your touch, your smell, your warmth, your skin. I miss your hugs and your kisses and your presence. I miss everything more than usual. I cant believe I'm not there right now. I miss you a lot. I cant wait to come home. I miss home. 

To rest on me

Mt. Eden & Ruby Frost - Oh That I Had

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I love you. Cant you see? I'm trying to mold to fit into yours. I love you. 

I love you

And though your arms and legs are under. 

Love will be the echo in your ears when all is lost and plunder.. 

My love will be there still

I love you. You know that right? I'm sorry for being childish. I know I make myself look like a big grown up more often than I should. But you know I'm far from it. More often I'm a frightened little child who wants to be around you all the time. I'm not afraid of losing you. I know we will be together, for a very long time. But I'm afraid of circumstances.


I love you. I cannot imagine a life without you in it. Do you understand what I mean when I say that? I cannot imagine living without you. Your love is all I want.

Your love is my turning page. 

Only the sweetest words remain. 

Every kiss is a cursive line 

Every touch is a redefining phrase. 

I surrender who I've been for who you are 

Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours. 

I would have known what I've been living for all along 

What I've been living for

Little Ramble

I'm very inclined to write nowadays. It has a calming effect on me. I had a lazy day,apart from early this morning which was extremely fun. Otherwise, a lazy day. Sometimes, lazy days are good :)

I'm going to watch Breaking Dawn at the cinema theater on Saturday. I bought my tickets already, online :) YAY ME!! Saturday is going to be hectic, because I have a midterm, then rush to my pre registration, and then rush to Ipoh for my movie before 3.50pm.

Missing boyfie to bits. He called me today, in his very rarely heard mushy voice... missing me too. I asked him what he wanted to Christmas and he said loads of strawberries and apples! DONE! I shall get him loads when I go there.

I feel very sleepy... Maybe I should go to bed, or should I wait till 12am so I check out my timetable preview... hmm. Decisions,decisions... 

A day well spent

This morning started with restlessness, inability to sleep (I'm so excited for Christmas even though Christmas in my house is like every other day, except that the Christmas tree makes me sneeze a lot), and me having a solo 'clubbing' in my room, dancing and listening to Club Hits at 4am. I know, I'm awesome. And then uni started, and I have no idea how awesome this day would turn out to  be. It was pretty awesome. I got to help a friend out, 'help' my favourite lecturer determine whether a sample was contaminated or not(I was bullshitting of course, but it made her laugh), had an awesome conversation with my Toxicology lecturer(I think we sat there for an hour), made friends with some lab officers(I love lab officers! they are the go to people when you're too scared to ask the lecturer) and borrowed his lab coat. Why? Coz I got to go see FYP students do... FYP!!! I was a senior for a couple hours. It was awesome. And then I had lunch with my senior, and hang out with her :D I also sorted out my every sem academic adviser consultation, and he gave me good reports on my form.

Also, my Toxico lecturer asked me if I'm Malayalee or punjabi, like for the second time. =.= I is of South Indian ancestry okies? And I can speak awesome tamil. And also, she said I sound like a very small child. Obviously she doesnt know how loud my voice can get. But yes, 3/4 of the time I sound sorta like a little girl, like a mouse(mishka). And when I told boyfie this he agreed and he was like "Yes babe you should like a small child" and insisted I 'shuddup' when I insisted I IS ALL GROWN UP! I is 22 ok? VERY GROWN UP!! *sulks* I love these two people though. My toxico lecturer is uber sweet. And very easy to warm up to. She has this mother like nature. Once I was having lunch by myself and she put her hands on my shoulder and asked me if I was always by myself. She is uber sweet.

Now, I just want to concentrate on my diet, and my Toxicology, and do well, and get to Nilai asap, because I keep getting this vibe boyfie isnt feeling so great. He always sounds dull and always is quiet. He needs MUA to cheer him up :) I have an awesome boyfriend though ♥
IT WAS GREAT!!!!! 

A thousand years

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I have loved you for a thousand years...

And I'll love you for a thousand more Austin... 

My new loves

I like things. Yes. Some people will say I'm materialistic. I'm not!! I just like things. And I like pretty things. And I have two new loves that I just am hoping to get next year. Because I deserve them lol. Hopefully for FREE!! yes, its good to hope lol. Currently using my resources to get hold of my  two future 'babies'

Wanna see??

This is the new Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro in white. My new friend, Nitya has it in black and I love it. I first saw this phone at E-Tele at Bandar Baru. It looked kinda cool and it meets with my specs for a new phone so, planning to get it next year :) hopefully some phone shop will give me their sample phone for free lol. Hey its good to be optimistic about things like this. Ok, so according to what I have read about this phone, and also played with it; the Mini Pro is an Android phone with a touch screen AND a qwerty keyboard, which is cool(for me). 5MP camera(muahahahaha), and also according to users, it has a good lasting battery, which I so desperately need. And since its Sony Ericsson, it's made for pictures and music(key to my life which needs a soundtrack all the time). It's small, and kinda 'chubby' which is ok with me coz I dont have the habit of putting my phone in my pocket, its always in the back or I hold on to it for dear life.

Pretty cool phone. I 'cop' this phone ok?

Second love.

This, is the Instax Mini 25. Actually I just found this last night while dreaming about polaroid cameras and then waking up at 5am to google it. Its more expensive than the Instax Mini 7s, but let me tell you why.
Unlike the 7s, it has flash. And flash is good because as an Indian, my face wont show on my polaroid. I am a nutty colour :P So I need the blinding light to make me look visible. And also it has a self shoot mirror, which is like so cool because I wanna camwhore vintage style. And choosing a 7s is ok, but why settle for something not as awesome as the 25? Hoping to win this somewhere in Tumblr/ lomo blogshops, something. Or maybe go the old fashioned way and save money for it.

Two new loves :)

I'm taking my days one at a time now. I chose not to sit and worry about the future. Let whatever happen, happen. One thing I know for sure is, today I am happy,my boyfriend is well loved and loves me dearly, my studies are doing great( well thanks to me :P) and I have friends and people to talk to again. Which is awesome. And I'm shielding my parent's negative energy by keeping them in Ipoh where they belong. Which is awesome too.
And I'm scrapbooking. Which is, in my POV, is fucking incredible because I like stuff like that.

le scrapbook :D

My mind is free, and I can choose what to concentrate on and be happy. I'm content. I have everything I need :)
Except for that phone and that camera lol.
COME TO ME!!!!!
Cant wait ♥
xoxo

EDIT: I was wrong about the Instax 7... It DOES have a flash. sowwy!

Heart in a box

Why must Grey's anatomy talk through my heart and soul and reduce me to tears? WHY YOU NO BE FUNNY? Anyhoo... I loved the opening and ending quote of Grey's Anatomy Season 8 Episode 8 "Heart shaped box"

Say you're in the OR. Repairing a vena cava. When suddenly everything goes to hell. So, you cut this, suture that, and soon that crappy situation is a thing of the past. Too bad you can't meet all of life's challenges with a surgical scalpel. I mean, you could try. But I'm pretty sure that would be considered assault.
It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result, wiser, better equipped to deal with the next big disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.

Sometimes, but not always. It's true.

Today my bie asked me to check his fb and said he posted something for me. Turns out it was Avril Lavigne's Wish you were here song. Bie, you drive me crazy! I wish I was there too. I think my heart is turning into stone from the lack of you. You should just transfer to UTAR and stay with me.

Did I mention I 'ran away' to Nilai on Friday? Ok, so Thursday night I decide me wants to go to Nilai because me feels very stressed out. So me... *cough* ... I, decide to run away on Friday. Went for class on Friday, emailed the lecturer beforehand that I'm checking out from my amazing toxico lecture early. Did my exams, and then took a cab to train station, assuming there would be one measly seat for me. Guess someone forgot it was Hari Raya Haji weekend and all trains were fully booked. I panic and take a cab to the bus station. All fully booked. But thank God for people who cannot decide if they wanna take the bus or not, places opened up and I got on the bus. 4 hours later, yours truly was in the front seat of the bus looking at the infamous traffic jam in KL. I was looking at the cars in front of me blink their brake lights like Christmas lights. And also trying to use mind control to push the cars so my bus can go through.

Reach Pudu, no idea how to get to KL Sentral. After asking countless people for directions to the LRT and learning my way, I got to KL sentral. And then someone decided to buy train tickets home for Monday. Another long queue. And another long wait till my train to Nilai arrived and by the time I reached home it was 12am. I had been on the road for more than 7 hours. Could have gone to Singapore I think with the time I took to Nilai. Had an amazing weekend though. It was lovely. Was relaxing.

Anyhoo,

Check out the youtube video I posted. This guy singing can wrench hearts into pieces. He sings like an angel.

Time to nap and then study for tomorrow's toxicology midterm.

xoxo