Outnumbered but never outgunned

My sleeping pattern is so wacked! 

I always manage to be awake by 4am and stay awake till late mornings and then get too tired and go for a nap. Seriously this has to stop! 

Mmm, sometimes I dont know if God is teasing me or strengthening me. Just, so many things are happening and I cannot keep up. The good thing is, I'm over with what happened in Kampar. I thought it would haunt me and torture me, but its not. I honestly couldnt be bothered. I'm more worried about my future. I honestly believe that I have found my soulmate. He is my soulmate. I'm not smitten or having a major crush or a needy,clingy desire for being wanted. This is it. He's the one. I honestly believe so. But some outside forces are trying to undo that and its up to us to hold our ground until it passes. And he's doing a better job at it than I am. I just become a basket case and go all emotional. 

Its week 3 of uni. And I am in no mood for uni actually. I actually wished I already graduated and I was working. Then this unknown force would be nothing. I'd just pack and leave. Motivation to do well in uni and not fail? I think so too. 

My priorities has changed. So much. Before, I just wanted to be in a group of misfits and have fun. Be the group of social recluses. I wanted to be known for my rebellious attitude and be badass. I wanted to take pride at the fact I rarely go to class and still ace exams, break rules and enjoy them. Sit in the freezing cold at the basketball court with a bottle of cheap tequila and cigarrettes and talk shitty talk with the big boys. Well, lemme tell you something about big boys. Big boys are not the ones I used to hang out with. Big boys are not illiterate fools with awful jobs and the tendency to drink and smoke and get wasted every night. Big boys are those who make the best of what talent they have and make a big fortune out of it, responsibly. Big boys know how to treat women and respect them. There are no big boys in Kampar, as far as I can tell. And there's nothing badass about being a rebel and taking pride in being bitches or assholes and not wanting to grow up. No pride in wasting away God given talent and skills. No pride in that at all. 

And so, like I said, my priorities have changed. I dont want to be any of those anymore. I have a future. I have a person. Like how Christina Yang and Meredith Grey are, I am with him. He's my person and I'm his person. And I'm accountable to him. And I dont want to be known as the little trashy Malaysian girl when I become Mrs.Nebechi. I wanna be known as a classy,godly woman with brains to suckerpunch anyone elses. And I know I'm accountable to God first. I know that. But me and God, we're still a working progress. I think I still blame Him for a lot of things that happened in my past and I still find it hard to believe that He is for me. We are still a working progress. I am accountable to God first. But I'm accountable to A too. I'm accountable for the relationship, and for being a team. I'm accountable for our future family and our lives. So I cannot mess that up with my long suffering grudge over my past and make it an excuse for the shitty things I do. 

He's my person. ♥

Butterflies in my tummy

Over the past couple months, I have dealt with loss. I lost my friends. Some of them, I thought were friends. And I lost two very important people in my life. The whole thing has been a big upheaval for me because I was already so comfortable and feeling secure. The past couple months have been quite rough.

But let me tell about about the one good thing that has happened to me, and is probably the biggest and greatest joy I have had in a long time, besides God that is.

I want to tell you a million things about him. About his heart, his story, his character, the things he does for me, how he keeps me grounded, how he keeps me pushing myself for a better future, how instead of making me stay in the clouds he pulls me down to earth and how he teaches me, how he never lets my sight of God, how he is one of the reason I've taken my bible out again. I wish I could tell you the sweet things he does for me, and how I will never forget the first day I met him, and how amazing my 3 weeks was. I wish I could tell you everything about him. And I wish I could tell you the million things in my head that I hold on to, a future of us, the white wedding dress, and the garden wedding I dream of sometimes, our house together. How he has pulled my expectations about this life so high up, that I can do better, be a better person, the best version of me. I wish I could tell you, how hard headed he is, just like me and how he always calls me stubborn but still loves me anyways. How he always advices and nags me, and how sometimes he holds me close and taps my back softly comforting me (or shutting me up). I wish I could tell you everything, but like what he always tell me, everything has its time, its season. And now is not the right time to tell you everything. Someday I will.

But I can tell you this...
I'm in love. Irrevocably. Im contented. 


"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Meredith Grey

Grey's Anatomy,Season 5 Ep 24

"Now or Never"

I love you. I dont ever want to live without you. 

You changed my life.