You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

My wish list

I'm in such a cuddle mood today, mostly because my room is clean and cold and it's raining out there and everything is so... cuddle mode!!

I have been watching this person for a few hours now!!! DivaDarlingChic is soo adorable!!!! I really liked watching his(her? sorry I'm not sure how to address you) videos!!! Check the videos out!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/DivaDarlingChic

Anyways, DivaDarlingChic inspired me to think about stuff I want. You know me, I'm crazy about stuff. And so I have come up with a few things that I desperately want and hopefully I can get them next semester :)

1) Scented candles!!
“Odors have a power of persuasion stronger than that of words, appearances, emotions, or will. The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breath into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it.”  - Patrick Suskind, Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. 

I especially love this quote from my all time favourite book and movie , Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. My favourite scents are candy, sandalwood, and lilac or lavender like smells. I dont really like fruity or citrus-y smells though. I tend to gravitate to the sweet candy like scents. And I really really wanted scented candles, coz I feel like they would make me calmer when I'm studying or relaxing.

2)Victoria Secret Products!

I just absolutely love their products. And while the swimwear and lingeries have to wait for a bit (someone's a little pudgy muahahaha), I want to deck my dresser's counter top with all this awesome products!!

Supersoft body lotion in Sweet and flirty (Vs)

Deep-softening body butter in Enchant in Secret Charm and Tempt in Wild Scarlet(Vs)

Pink With a Splash all over Body Mist in Warm and Cozy

3) A nice make up set to play with and learn new looks and be more girly and less... potato. 

4) Really nice,fitting and affordable clothes 

5)SCHWARZKOPF Osis Texture-Rock HArd Extreme Glue. For those days where the girly girly look doesnt suit the beast inside and the monster comes to play from within muahahahahaha. I miss my mohawk!!

This is all I can think of at the moment. Of course, Id want more. But this would be my first list to work on :)

xoxo

Goodbye 2011. Hello 2012

It's been a while since I posted anything. My computer broke down, and I didnt feel like blogging with my boyfriend's laptop, but here I am, last post of 2011. Goodbye 2011. You have taught me well. You have taught me the true value of friendship, and that it is ok to let go and move on. You have taught me that I can love again, and how love should be like. You have taught me that I am capable of anything and everything, all I have to do is work for it, and never let go of hope. Thank you 2011.

Welcome 2012. They say you are the last year I will have here on earth. We all have here on earth. I'm not so sure I believe them, but I hope to live this year like it IS my last year on earth. Whatever happens, this year will never be forgotten. I hope to live it that way. 

Boredom kills

The restlessness is slowly killing me. I actually opened my wardrobe a couple times to check if Narnia was back there, and then behind the mirror just to be sure. No, I'm not doped on anything. Except for maybe the amazing omelette rice I had earlier. I dont know what I wanna do. I wanna go fishing right now, but going to that lake at this hour is basically digging my own grave. Not because of creatures that live in it, rather the creatures that decide to drink alcohol by it. The perfect semester break would be a roadtrip. A roadtrip that involves good food, plenty of shopping, a few days by the beach, and a trip to Gentings where we waste more money and sulk by drinking Caramel Macchiatos at Starbucks, with extra whipped cream, of course. But every semester break is the same. I stare at the computer everyday and try to figure out what to do. Last semester break was a little different. It involved staring at the huge flatscreen watching football.

I dont want to live an ordinary life. This is all so ordinary for me. Sure, other people have it worse. But being not able to live as you dream of is equally horrible in its own way too.

So why not do it? Why not have that roadtrip? Because a roadtrip means money. Renting a car, and gas and toll. It also means you need a bunch of friends, which I dont have. And also shopping means having the money and the body for it. Which I dont. And I really want to go to the beach and wear a bikini. Which I cant.

So much negativity these past few days. I think its the boredom that is talking. I hope I sound more cheery in a couple more days. 

Christmas wish

What I would love for Christmas <3

i want Plushies!! 

Clutch from Zenith Divas

Cupcakes!

Liquid Eyeliner so I can try this look

A polaroid please!

A day at the beach!

Anything Hello Kitty.Plush,Make up, clothes!

I really want this cup!

I want this book pwetty please

 New clothes, new shoes

Perfume that smells like candy

Make up!!!!

A work Jacket

This boots!!

I really like this shirt..

This is just the materialistic stuff.What can I do? I like things..They make me squeal with joy:P  There's a tonne more that I want that doesnt involve things though.

'Vegetable Incident'

When I first started preschool, there was a colouring contest, and we were supposed to colour in vegetables. And I got ALL the colours wrong. Everything. Even with my parents outside the window trying to 'play' charades with me on regards of the colours. I got them wrong. Yes, I was born an idiot. I still remember looking at everyone's artwork and feeling very small. Because I knew I was wrong. How in the world did I not know which colour to use?

There are so many incidents like that, that I remember which still kinds stings when I think about it.Since small, I have been taught to be independent, to take care of myself and to never depend on anybody to get my work done. With two adults in the house who are forever angry and bickering, it was easy for a small child to get lost in all of it.

But I have to thank God for all that. If it hadnt been for that 'vegetable incident' or the countless other 'incidents', I would never have pushed myself harder. I am a Biomedical student in her second year and improving every semester. I am course representative for my year and so far, I havent had any complains =P. My english is near impeccable and boy do I know how to use it. I read like a glutton and I can hold an adult conversation with ease. Politics, Philosophy, Theology, Science, plan rubbish talk, fashion, art, anything. You name it.I am a very confident person, I can talk to anybody and make them feel like they have known me for years. I'm very independent and resourceful and I am very determined. And I am very proud of who I am, what I have become and the potentials I have.

But I think a lot of it has God playing a big part in them. Sometimes I dont think it is me being that person, it's God who is giving me those traits.He was there all along. In my very challenging home, in my very depressing school life, the bullies, the ones who called me names, the lack of support. I blamed Him for not 'mollycuddling' me and I blamed my parents for not defending me. But one day I was watching my cousin and her mum interact and I realised, what her mum did was what I wanted from my parents, but if it had turned out that way, I could never have become what I am right now.

And today, I walk alone. I am alone in uni, I do my own thing. I cant believe I have survived the whole semester without anyone to hang out or be friends with. But I'm walking in a different tune, in a different sort of confidence. God confidence, not self confidence. It has taken me so many years to learn that, and a big upheaval in my life too. Again, God used the pain and hurt so I could gain something so much more important.

I may look like I have very little going on for me, but my heart feels full. I see plans, and potential and challenges and adventures. I really wouldnt change a thing. And if it takes a little more struggle to get there, I couldnt be happier.

Seriously =.=

My boyfriend just made me uber depressed. No, he didnt say anything stupid or hurtful. He told me a little about his dreams, and how annoyingly stupid Malaysian 'policies' are, our lack of freedom to speak, to do things we want, our right to choose, lack of 'human rights' etc. And he told me about his life back in his country, about how each university has its own radio station, where people pour out their thoughts, opinions, views on something, and how there is so much to do there nobody really gets bored. Quite aggravating to hear all that, when the biggest thing I did today was wake up. That was it. I havent left my bed. And this man thinks I am queer, as in I dont like watching movies, and he still cant figure out what I like to do. It's just depressing.

I wanna do a lot of things ok? Like, tomorrow, a bunch of people I knew from ages ago are going to the waterfalls, and they are making plans and shit, and I wanna do that too. But (1) I dont have people that I'm close to anymore, (2) I dont have the money or the transport to do those things (3) I dont have friends. Technically (1) and (3) are the same. So yes, I admit, I dont have friends. I have a lot of people I talk to but no one I can make plans with. And before anyone reading this snickers and swims in the joy of me not having friends, I rather be alone than be with that old nasty bunch I used to waste my life with. I wanna go shopping. And I havent seen that new building near Jusco Ipoh so that would be a treat. But (1) I have RM4 which would give me tomorrows meal and wont do me any good in Ipoh anyway because a to-fro ticket is RM7. (2)What good is going there if I cant buy jackshit? (3) I wanna watch a movie but again, I still havent figured out how to rob a bank efficiently(sarcasm).

And I wanna do other things too. Like go to the zoo. Or go to Gentings. I wanna purchase my Instax Mini 25 now so I can take pictures and make more scrapbooks. I want to take a train ride to Singapore. Hell, I wanna visit Singapore. I want to go to Penang. I want to go to the beaches. I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to take a night ride to Cameron Highland's and have hot Tomyam soup in the freezing weather. There's a lot of things I want to do, but everything I wanna do is halted by the fact I am ass broke and well, you could blame me by saying "Go get a job!" Do you know how difficult it is to get a job in Malaysia if you're an Indian? Ok scratch Malaysia. Before joining uni, I tried everywhere in Ipoh looking for a job. Sales, waitressing, cyber cafes, everything. First they want Chinese. The end. I'M SORRY I'M NOT CHINESE(no offense I love chinese people) And Kampar, you just cant get a job. No matter how hard you try. The race thing comes in between. Maybe they feel more comfortable working with their own race... but SERIOUSLY YOU ARE IN BETWEEN MY HOPES AND DREAMS! So I have to accept whatever scrap my parents give me, and save from it so I can decently ride in a train to Nilai instead of stealing somebody's buffalo and do the rodeo thing all the way there. And manage my toiletries,my food, the little happiness I get from buying scrappy notebooks and clippy pens etc.

So can you blame me? Seriously?  Someday I'm going to move out, get a decent job and a decent life, get decent friends and do amazing things and never have to worry about anything because there will always be a solution to everything.One day I'm going to get myself out of this shithole of a country and never look back. 

Hello Kitty Forever 21 collection 2011

Another reason why I should move out of M'sia.
THEY DONT HAVE THIS COLLECTION IN FOREVER 21 M'SIA!!!

Pfffttt!!!!

The Hello Kitty Collection launch was in the Forever 21 store in LA and I got to read it in Dailymail. YAY ME! =.= (not)

I'm a Hello Kitty fan. I am. Not the "OMG LOOK!! I'm so lala" kind of fan, but the "simplicity of the kitty is so adorable" fan. Suck's that (1) They dont have the collection here in Malaysia and (2) I dont have the money to shop even if they were in Malaysia. Sigh.... 

Looks like I just have to stare that all the Tumblr posts about it and pray to God Hello Kitty Collection comes over to Malaysia someday. 

Plans and dreams.

Currently having the flu. I diagnosed myself with the viral flu so I dont need to go see a doctor, coz according to my last sem's Immunology what's the point anyway? Right eye is swollen shut though, I have been itching it like a monkey all night last night and now I'm an one-eyed pirate muahahahahaha. I'm pretty sure my right eye is going to fall of someday. Poor thing has gone through a lot. Lol.

Bie and I have been talking about going to New York someday for Christmas. Well, I told him I wanted to and he said ok. And then we were talking about possibly migrating to New York. I think the idea sprung up from the fever and my Tumblr dash being flooded with Christmassy pictures with snow and winter coats and fashionable things. And also, I want to live somewhere where it's snowy, busy, full of life. Not somewhere like Ipoh, or Kampar, or even Nilai. I only love Nilai because he is there.

I want to live somewhere life never stops showing itself, time never seems to stop. I never had New York in mind actually. It's just recently. Australia is another choice. I dont want to think about living in Brisbane. But if I have to, then hey why not?

It's just, I started living this life, giving up on dreams and hopes and started believing that people like me should shut up and accept whatever is given to me. But this man comes into my life, and tells me I should start dream again, and literally nags my dead dreams into life again. I dont know what I would do without you.

Whatever happens, I have a plan. And it's quite amazing

My new loves

I like things. Yes. Some people will say I'm materialistic. I'm not!! I just like things. And I like pretty things. And I have two new loves that I just am hoping to get next year. Because I deserve them lol. Hopefully for FREE!! yes, its good to hope lol. Currently using my resources to get hold of my  two future 'babies'

Wanna see??

This is the new Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro in white. My new friend, Nitya has it in black and I love it. I first saw this phone at E-Tele at Bandar Baru. It looked kinda cool and it meets with my specs for a new phone so, planning to get it next year :) hopefully some phone shop will give me their sample phone for free lol. Hey its good to be optimistic about things like this. Ok, so according to what I have read about this phone, and also played with it; the Mini Pro is an Android phone with a touch screen AND a qwerty keyboard, which is cool(for me). 5MP camera(muahahahaha), and also according to users, it has a good lasting battery, which I so desperately need. And since its Sony Ericsson, it's made for pictures and music(key to my life which needs a soundtrack all the time). It's small, and kinda 'chubby' which is ok with me coz I dont have the habit of putting my phone in my pocket, its always in the back or I hold on to it for dear life.

Pretty cool phone. I 'cop' this phone ok?

Second love.

This, is the Instax Mini 25. Actually I just found this last night while dreaming about polaroid cameras and then waking up at 5am to google it. Its more expensive than the Instax Mini 7s, but let me tell you why.
Unlike the 7s, it has flash. And flash is good because as an Indian, my face wont show on my polaroid. I am a nutty colour :P So I need the blinding light to make me look visible. And also it has a self shoot mirror, which is like so cool because I wanna camwhore vintage style. And choosing a 7s is ok, but why settle for something not as awesome as the 25? Hoping to win this somewhere in Tumblr/ lomo blogshops, something. Or maybe go the old fashioned way and save money for it.

Two new loves :)

I'm taking my days one at a time now. I chose not to sit and worry about the future. Let whatever happen, happen. One thing I know for sure is, today I am happy,my boyfriend is well loved and loves me dearly, my studies are doing great( well thanks to me :P) and I have friends and people to talk to again. Which is awesome. And I'm shielding my parent's negative energy by keeping them in Ipoh where they belong. Which is awesome too.
And I'm scrapbooking. Which is, in my POV, is fucking incredible because I like stuff like that.

le scrapbook :D

My mind is free, and I can choose what to concentrate on and be happy. I'm content. I have everything I need :)
Except for that phone and that camera lol.
COME TO ME!!!!!
Cant wait ♥
xoxo

EDIT: I was wrong about the Instax 7... It DOES have a flash. sowwy!