I've lost you

I dont know what to do anymore. I've been trying to get the right words to say, that one wonderfully written letter or speech that sparks the love back in my mother and reminds me of why she took me in in the first place. But I cannot seem to find any. I tried. I sent her a long text. I tried to tell her about how hard I try. How hard it is for me to make her proud, and how it hurts when she sees the best in Saishree and not me, eventhough I have done more and I have tried so hard to please them. But what I got is a two day long rant about how another cousin of mine, Palveena is a gem of a child. How she used her PTPTN money to pay her parent's mortgage and pay her car of. How she is now pursuing apparently both a degree and masters in Math. Well, its easy to use your PTPTN money for other things when the government pays for your teaching programme AND gives you an allowance to be their bitch. And how wicked I am, to spend money on my hair colour and shoes and clothes. I really dont know what to say anymore. What really hurt me is, I was really sick Friday night. I had to ask someone to send me to the Emergency ward although I stay away from hospitals even when I am having the worst fever ever. I was sick, and while coursemates were asking how I was doing and helping me out, my parents completely didnt bother. My dad asked me about money when I told him I was sick and I had to go to the emergency ward. While my boyfriend was absolutely petrified and stayed awake till he knew I was ok, my parents couldnt be bothered.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think it's time to accept that its just me from now on. They are lost in a world of materialism and cash and lost dreams. They will never come out of it. It's almost like losing them to some sort of worldly Alzheimers.

I guess I need to find some sort of closure, and see things in a different way and know that I am doing things right. 

I Belong to You

I think I'm out of tears. Run dry. 


I had an argument with someone I love, and although we've both pushed it aside(we fought for such a stupid reason) and back to normal again, it made me realize how easy it is to lose a person. 


I feel very alone at the moment. But I seriously dont know how I came across the Barlow Girls(again), but I found them, and the songs are keeping me company for the night. 


This song is on repeat at the moment. 



When love is gone there's no arms to run to anymore 
I'm all alone, theres no one for me to live for 
Letting go of the things I always come to 
Thats when I need to feel That I belong to You

:'(

I belong to You

Sad day

I recently changed one of my Digi Easy Prepaid numbers to my boyfie's number so I can call him for free all the time. But seriously, it doesnt help much coz he isnt really the type to hang on the phone and talk sweet nothings. Even when I'm with him, he doesnt give me attention all day. Dating an older guy comes with a prize I suppose. Not that he ignores me. I get 5 star treatment around him. My breakfast is made, lunch is made, dinner is made.  Even when he watches football, he gives me attention. Always checks up on me. He is really lovely. 


But I really like talking to him because somehow I feel like I am connecting to someone. I havent felt connected in a while, although I have new friends now and they are great :) 


And I'm going through a rough time with the parental unit. I have been trying to get my parents to reconcile with one another for the past few months. I have been doing everything they want me to, budgeting etc. Honestly I dont remember the last time I texted my dad saying "NO MONEY!!" I always have some left when he banks in more. But I have an aunt who was quite apparently spawned in the underworld because she is ALWAYS trying to get my mum and dad to separate and she has been doing it since mum and dad got married. 


So yesterday, aunt sent me a text about how ungrateful I am, and how me and my dad are the same, and by that meaning, using my mum to achieve what we want and how my dad is 'hardcore' blablabla. I dont get this whole 'child using parents to achieve greatness' theme my parents and my aunty uses on me to hurt me. What kind of child would use their parents to achieve greatness? Isnt that like a, default thing? So, I sent her back texts, and actually I have to admit... horrible texts because seriously nobody is in a good mood when they wake up to rubbish like that. She(smart woman) used it to instigate my mum to hate me, and I told my dad what aunty said about him and that I seriously cannot have a sem break with such negative presence there. to which dad replied, no more money for you(apparently money is comfort for me. Food and other things fall from the sky)


Thank God I saved up. 


I feel like its my duty to fix my parents up and its all my fault they are so unhappy and I'm scared my parents will die in a very unhappy state, but honestly I dont see where I am the problem. Yes, I do need money for uni and its not like I'm blowing all the cash on rubbish. The little I get goes for food and toiletries and the occasional hair cut. And paper. 


I feel very unhappy about this. I'm not going home for Christmas. When I had to make a choice I couldnt choose them. Because as we all know, my mental health isnt really stable( I cut, a lot.. or used to. ) and being in an environment where your mother whom you see as god basically calls you sysophrenic(Schizophrenic) and your dad says you are a waste of space, isnt a very conducive environment. I rather go to the place where I am missed and where I have my own space even when its not my home. 


I'm very unhappy. But I said I trust God. So I just have to survive today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. and fingers crossed maybe someday the parental units will finally realise I wasnt so bad to be around afterall. 

Seriously =.=

My boyfriend just made me uber depressed. No, he didnt say anything stupid or hurtful. He told me a little about his dreams, and how annoyingly stupid Malaysian 'policies' are, our lack of freedom to speak, to do things we want, our right to choose, lack of 'human rights' etc. And he told me about his life back in his country, about how each university has its own radio station, where people pour out their thoughts, opinions, views on something, and how there is so much to do there nobody really gets bored. Quite aggravating to hear all that, when the biggest thing I did today was wake up. That was it. I havent left my bed. And this man thinks I am queer, as in I dont like watching movies, and he still cant figure out what I like to do. It's just depressing.

I wanna do a lot of things ok? Like, tomorrow, a bunch of people I knew from ages ago are going to the waterfalls, and they are making plans and shit, and I wanna do that too. But (1) I dont have people that I'm close to anymore, (2) I dont have the money or the transport to do those things (3) I dont have friends. Technically (1) and (3) are the same. So yes, I admit, I dont have friends. I have a lot of people I talk to but no one I can make plans with. And before anyone reading this snickers and swims in the joy of me not having friends, I rather be alone than be with that old nasty bunch I used to waste my life with. I wanna go shopping. And I havent seen that new building near Jusco Ipoh so that would be a treat. But (1) I have RM4 which would give me tomorrows meal and wont do me any good in Ipoh anyway because a to-fro ticket is RM7. (2)What good is going there if I cant buy jackshit? (3) I wanna watch a movie but again, I still havent figured out how to rob a bank efficiently(sarcasm).

And I wanna do other things too. Like go to the zoo. Or go to Gentings. I wanna purchase my Instax Mini 25 now so I can take pictures and make more scrapbooks. I want to take a train ride to Singapore. Hell, I wanna visit Singapore. I want to go to Penang. I want to go to the beaches. I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to take a night ride to Cameron Highland's and have hot Tomyam soup in the freezing weather. There's a lot of things I want to do, but everything I wanna do is halted by the fact I am ass broke and well, you could blame me by saying "Go get a job!" Do you know how difficult it is to get a job in Malaysia if you're an Indian? Ok scratch Malaysia. Before joining uni, I tried everywhere in Ipoh looking for a job. Sales, waitressing, cyber cafes, everything. First they want Chinese. The end. I'M SORRY I'M NOT CHINESE(no offense I love chinese people) And Kampar, you just cant get a job. No matter how hard you try. The race thing comes in between. Maybe they feel more comfortable working with their own race... but SERIOUSLY YOU ARE IN BETWEEN MY HOPES AND DREAMS! So I have to accept whatever scrap my parents give me, and save from it so I can decently ride in a train to Nilai instead of stealing somebody's buffalo and do the rodeo thing all the way there. And manage my toiletries,my food, the little happiness I get from buying scrappy notebooks and clippy pens etc.

So can you blame me? Seriously?  Someday I'm going to move out, get a decent job and a decent life, get decent friends and do amazing things and never have to worry about anything because there will always be a solution to everything.One day I'm going to get myself out of this shithole of a country and never look back. 

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

*I keep putting up a happy smiley front in uni, and I tell Austin I'm happy and ok, but I'm not. And the facade I'm putting up is just being translated into arrogance. If you knew how sad I am...


I dont like uni anymore. I dont like kampar anymore. I wish I did well in uni and I was in IT right now. I want out. 

The only good thing that has happened to me is my love life. I have found the most amazing man, who loves me to pieces. I have never been loved like that. And I am so happy I found him.