I have nothing to say

I'm not posting much this year at all, compared to the one a day posts I used to write before. Honestly, there is nothing much to say. I'm entering Week 4 of my Year 3 Trimester 1 today. Uni has been hell week since day one. Lab reports, assignments and revisions pilling up. The usual. Missing my boyfie way too much adds to the 'misery'. Also, I have been reconnecting with old friends, which I'm starting to think is not a very good idea after all. For almost a year, I have been doing my own thing by myself. Going to uni, hanging out with me and only me, dinners by myself, studying and well, basically doing my own thing. Some of the old friendships I welcome, mostly because it has taken a new turn, new beginnings, completely different from before, some... remain the same, and honestly I dunno what to make of it. I actually miss being alone. It was just me and my books and special weekends and semester breaks with my boyfriend. I think this semester I'm less focused on my studies and indulging myself with Scrubs and playing this stupid game on my phone (ninjump... sigh I hate you) and lazying around. And somedays I hang out. Last sem, I only hung out like 3 times the entire 4 months. I already filled that quota the first week I was back in Kampar.

I think I'm going to go back to my new 'old' habits. Just keeping to myself. Doing my own thing. And a couple  of things has been bugging me lately, one being so homesick and wanting to go home... another, having no proper clothes to wear to uni anymore =.= Been a little depressed about my weight this last 2 weeks or so. Honestly, those are the two things that irritate me the most. Well, of course there is the finding a spot in a hospital for my internship. 3 things then. Other than that, I'm just Jim Dandy... :)

Missing bie so much. Gosh, I dunno what to do. I should plan a weekend back home sometime soon before I lose my mind. 

My great semester

Hey :)

It's been a month since I posted anything at all. Sorry. I have been awfully busy with finals. I immediately came home after that, but there's something about my home that makes me not want to turn my computer on. And then I attended a Symposium. It was awesome. I shall elaborate later. And after that, waiting for results and lazing around. I have so much in my head I wanna say so lemme break it down. Okies?

1) FINALS

My finals week preparations

Finals was painful for me actually. I had midterms and assignments to hand in right up to the last day of semester, I didn't have enough time to fully prepare. My first paper was Genetics, and I only had like a few days to study. After that was a race to study Endocrinology and Molecular Biology together!! Honestly, I still don't know how I managed it. My last paper was Protein and Proteomics, and I had an English paper before that. I must say, Proteins was my worst paper. But overall, throughout Finals week I was doped on coffee, Milo and loads of delivered food :D

All my medication

I also got very sick after my Genetics paper. I was coughing a lot continuously, i had been coughing up specks on blood, I had chest pain and on and off fever, my bones were aching and my body was very sore, and I had night sweats. So, the day after my Genetics paper I went to the Clinic with my friends and got my first x-ray done, for a PTB test, to see if I had tuberculosis. All clear though. I got tonnes of medication but they never gave me a diagnosis and actually, up to today, I still have some of the symptoms like chest pain, continuous coughing and bone aches. I honestly don't know what's ailing me but I hope it's nothing serious. I was basically sick throughout the semester and Finals week. It was kinda pressuring to push my body that hard. But I made it :)


2) RESULTS!
It came out yesterday. And I knew I passed all my papers, I just didn't know my grades until yesterday. For the first time since I joined UTAR, it felt great to see my results. I managed to get a GPA above 3.0, which I have never done before. Well, I have but it was in the short semester so it doesn't count haha. I really think I outdid myself this semester. Usually its a C for me in any Science subject I take but I managed to get a good score on all my science papers and an A for my English :) I keep opening my portal just to see my results. I have never been this proud of myself.

3)SYMPOSIUM
So, University Malaya held the 3rd Malaysian Symposium for Biomedical Sciences on the 19th and 20th of May and I went there. I went there by myself, but I stayed for 2 nights with my fellow course mates and seniors. Honestly, my first impression of UM was bad. The accommodation provided was horrendous and we had no means of transportation in and out of UM. So, it was kind of bad. And oh, communal toilets!! AWFUL!! But the programme itself was fantastic and I learned a lot being there. Also making new friends from other universities and also gaining new insight on my to be profession, it was all so wonderful. The one noticeable thing at the symposium was not the programmes, but the breaks. Oh god we had so many breaks and food served!! Malaysian culture I suppose? But I got very tired of eating. LOL. At the symposium, I learned how to present my future Final Year Project. Like, I have never been really exposed to these kind of things so it was a really good experience. I also learned how to be meticulous in my work and my future research. Another stupid thing happened there though. My right eye was inflamed or something. It turned blood red and became horribly painful the 3 days I was there. At one point I was walking around UM with just one contacts on. Amazingly, the inflammation subsided once I came home. Which was stupid.

After the symposium on Sunday, we all reached KL sentral and I waited for my course mates to board their train before I left for home. We reached around 6pm and the train was at 9pm, so I waited till 9pm until everyone went home.

UTAR at MYSYMBIOS UM

4)NEXT SEMESTER
Next semester, I will be a Final Year Student. I can't believe it is finally happening. I am so excited!! I am taking 6 subjects again and I really think I can handle it :)


Overall, my life is great. It's just that, I have been feeling a little uneasy for a while mostly because I haven't gone to church, and also, I think my stupid mind is more focused on how much more I have to go rather than see how much I have already accomplished. I'm also a little edgy because boyfie is going through a bad mood period and I can feel his aura, which I react to. But overall, I can say my life is good. Boyfie made two statements since I came here, (1) I have no friends, and (2) I don't do much but study. Well, at first I was upset because he was right, I had no close friends. There are a lot of important people to me back in Kampar but the ones I was closest to are gone (thank God and praise God for that). But honestly, when I think about it, I am happy being by myself. I work harder and better when I am alone and honestly I don't really like depending on anyone anymore. It's just more, productive being alone. And as for not really having a life, haha, well, I have to agree. I have been on full drive mode with my studies this semester. I think I'll branch out a bit and do more social things for the coming semester. It will be good :)

I don't know what to write anymore. I think I have written everything that happened last semester in a nutshell. Something like that. I do hope to blog more.

xoxo

Bore you

Hey peeps :)

It's finally study week. Which means no more classes, just the mental torture of ramming 5 subjects worth of facts into my brain. Today, was more of a sad day. Yesterday was a bit crazy. I had a mini breakdown in front of some random lecturers because of the hellhole my lecturer caused me. I was running around collecting assignments and booking training sessions and seeing the whole process through because she wasn't cut out for her job. And the last straw came yesterday when I was so sleep deprived and angry and she failed to turn up to get the 44 assignments from me. I wont go into details but I ended up very tired yesterday. Today was more of a pity party for myself because I went to Tesco and wanted to  get some clothes but realized nothing fit me well. Well, I'm almost out of this nonsense and I think I shall go have a bath in a while and get my room cleaned and get my studying moving.

This semester I have Genetics, Endocrinology, English, Molecular Biology, and Protein and Proteomics. Ethics is not in my finals. Next semester I will be taking Clinical Biochemistry, Virology, Neurobiology, Immunology and Interpersonal Communication. Excited about next semester :)

I really have nothing much to say nowadays. It's the same old same old. Classes, studying, midterms, assignments, finals, once a day call with boyfie and more studying. I havent seen my man since February and its killing me. Also I have started to hate weekends and holidays because I have become a workaholic and too much rest is detrimental to my sanity.

I'm hoping next semester I have more things to say. I should start making a list of all I want to accomplish before next sem is over.

Love you guys. Sorry for the bore story. I'll come up with new things to talk about hopefully.

xoxo

Owl post

Why am I awake at 4am? Well mostly because I'm looking for a Tamagotchi to satisfy the little child in me. I never got a Tamagotchi and a lot of my young years was spent looking at everyone playing with their Tamagotchi and smuggling it to school so they can feed their 'pet'.

Anyhoo, I'm really sorry for the lack of posts. Uni has been really hectic and any spare time is spent on assignments, lab reports or sleep. Apart from the constant tiredness,lack of sleep and tonnes of work to do, my life is pretty well rounded at the moment. I'm doing well in my tests, my assignments are going great, and I'm pretty sure a few As are in my hand. Very proud of myself.

This semester, I find myself very driven towards my studies. So driven that at times I completely forget about my life outside uni like boyfie, going out etc. I want to do well so badly. I'm also taking the time to dress nicely to uni and look smart and not like some drunkard. By the way, I dressed up as an African girl last Saturday. I wore a  headwrap. I thought it looked pretty cute.

Cute? hehe

This year, is the year of achieving forgotten dreams, unreached goals and creating new hopes and dreams. I'm quite excited about this year. The enthusiasm of the new year hasnt waned down on me.

Overall, I'm doing great. Life can be quite amazing if you choose it to be.

xoxo 

I hate semester break

End of Day 3 of my stupid semester break.I would be the happiest person if uni resumes this Monday.It is stressful, and takes up all my time, but it is still something to do. I just hate sitting in the house and looking at my computer. Yes, there are so many things to do online but I'm bored of everything. Nilai is not going to be much different, with him 'working' and what not. 


I dont think I'm cut out for a relationship. I dont like being mollycuddled. And with my dysfunctional family and all, I'm just not a relationship type of person. And at the moment I'm completely obsessed with loving someone else, someone who made me and loved me from the start. And also this stupid diet I'm working on. I never knew I could mean this much to another human being, and frankly, its sorta scary. People always leave. That's how it should be. And then this person comes and sees my worst side and still decides to stick on with me... its scary. I'm not saying I dont love him, I'm just saying I'm not cut out for this. I've planned my whole life alone. And yes, for a moment there were thoughts about wedding dresses and moon babies and everything, but it didnt stick. I'm back to my 'one man army' thoughts. This is so annoying. 


Why cant I be simple like some people....

Sad day

I recently changed one of my Digi Easy Prepaid numbers to my boyfie's number so I can call him for free all the time. But seriously, it doesnt help much coz he isnt really the type to hang on the phone and talk sweet nothings. Even when I'm with him, he doesnt give me attention all day. Dating an older guy comes with a prize I suppose. Not that he ignores me. I get 5 star treatment around him. My breakfast is made, lunch is made, dinner is made.  Even when he watches football, he gives me attention. Always checks up on me. He is really lovely. 


But I really like talking to him because somehow I feel like I am connecting to someone. I havent felt connected in a while, although I have new friends now and they are great :) 


And I'm going through a rough time with the parental unit. I have been trying to get my parents to reconcile with one another for the past few months. I have been doing everything they want me to, budgeting etc. Honestly I dont remember the last time I texted my dad saying "NO MONEY!!" I always have some left when he banks in more. But I have an aunt who was quite apparently spawned in the underworld because she is ALWAYS trying to get my mum and dad to separate and she has been doing it since mum and dad got married. 


So yesterday, aunt sent me a text about how ungrateful I am, and how me and my dad are the same, and by that meaning, using my mum to achieve what we want and how my dad is 'hardcore' blablabla. I dont get this whole 'child using parents to achieve greatness' theme my parents and my aunty uses on me to hurt me. What kind of child would use their parents to achieve greatness? Isnt that like a, default thing? So, I sent her back texts, and actually I have to admit... horrible texts because seriously nobody is in a good mood when they wake up to rubbish like that. She(smart woman) used it to instigate my mum to hate me, and I told my dad what aunty said about him and that I seriously cannot have a sem break with such negative presence there. to which dad replied, no more money for you(apparently money is comfort for me. Food and other things fall from the sky)


Thank God I saved up. 


I feel like its my duty to fix my parents up and its all my fault they are so unhappy and I'm scared my parents will die in a very unhappy state, but honestly I dont see where I am the problem. Yes, I do need money for uni and its not like I'm blowing all the cash on rubbish. The little I get goes for food and toiletries and the occasional hair cut. And paper. 


I feel very unhappy about this. I'm not going home for Christmas. When I had to make a choice I couldnt choose them. Because as we all know, my mental health isnt really stable( I cut, a lot.. or used to. ) and being in an environment where your mother whom you see as god basically calls you sysophrenic(Schizophrenic) and your dad says you are a waste of space, isnt a very conducive environment. I rather go to the place where I am missed and where I have my own space even when its not my home. 


I'm very unhappy. But I said I trust God. So I just have to survive today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. and fingers crossed maybe someday the parental units will finally realise I wasnt so bad to be around afterall. 

Morning!

Morning!

I just woke up. Well I woke up many times but I made myself sleep again. One whole week of very little sleep caught up with me. I had the craziest dream! It was something like Mission Impossible, and one of my friends were in it with me. This friend of mine, I like him. As a brother of course. I only hung out with him and his then girlfriend(who is my another very close friend) for a couple of days, but he was the sweetest guy I have ever known. He even wore a tux because I wanted a bodyguard :P and also it was 'Wear Formal' day. Something like that.

And he really loved his girlfriend. I, was single at that time, and going through the crazees of being alone and I remember spending so much time envying their relationship. I think I still do. Not that my boyfriend is any less perfect, but I think he likes to love me with an 'iron fist'.. :P I miss my bie!!

I dont know what I'm going to do today. I feel so lazy. Tumblr? Yea... Probably.

xoxo

Angry Rant

My mum sent me a text message she sent to my cousin sister, who is involved with a US army guy. Apparently, according to my mum, army guys are known to have HIV and she has to check his background and what not. I mean, SERIOUSLY MUM!!!!?????? Anyone can have HIV, that's not the point. The point is, where my mum meddles with everyone's life because of her all too active paranoia(and hyperchondria) and ruins everyone's hopes and dreams. Mine included. Being raised by her, I have developed a habit of second guessing myself, always, and always doubtful of everything. In my world, there is always a worse case scenario and worse case scenarios always happen. I really feel sorry for my cousin. She is in her late 40s, 50s maybe and she finally found someone who loves her, and now she is going to doubt him and her love and everything is just going to be shitty.

I dont love my parents anymore. I care for my dad, and I carry around the duty of caring for my mum. And I will take care of them till the end, but I dont love them. And I think the feeling's mutual. Once I told my mum about bie, and she hounded me with hundreds of texts telling me derogatory things about African men, and I just told her I broke it of with him, just to shut her up. For reasons, I will never tell my mum about my relationships, my life, anything. I dont even know if I want her at my wedding(if it happens...) . I just dont want her around in my life. I havent really had a good start in life, and I'm trying to find this thing they call happiness and I dont want her ruining my life with sadness and failure like emotions and then spend the other rest of my life fixing the damage she has done.

I just dont really like her. I dont yearn for her love or anything like that. I dont even like her touching me. I just dont love her anymore. The damage has already been done. It cant be fixed anymore. 

Self inflicting insomniac

I cant sleep =.=
More like T.T

I'm naturally a hyper person. Boyfie claims it to be a miracle when I actually WANT to go to bed or eat. I rarely take my own iniative to do those two things on my own. Especially when I'm in Nilai. Usually he just gives up and goes to bed himself, because I will follow him. Or make food and force me to eat.

BUT I NEED TO SLEEP!!! I will be tired later today, but hyper(still) because I have a very hyper day tomorrow. DAMN YOU SLEEP!!!

Maybe I should buy some aromatherapy candles? If my budget allows. I dont have much to work with.

Sleep Mohawk, sleep.. NOOO!!! HYPER!

Little Ramble

I'm very inclined to write nowadays. It has a calming effect on me. I had a lazy day,apart from early this morning which was extremely fun. Otherwise, a lazy day. Sometimes, lazy days are good :)

I'm going to watch Breaking Dawn at the cinema theater on Saturday. I bought my tickets already, online :) YAY ME!! Saturday is going to be hectic, because I have a midterm, then rush to my pre registration, and then rush to Ipoh for my movie before 3.50pm.

Missing boyfie to bits. He called me today, in his very rarely heard mushy voice... missing me too. I asked him what he wanted to Christmas and he said loads of strawberries and apples! DONE! I shall get him loads when I go there.

I feel very sleepy... Maybe I should go to bed, or should I wait till 12am so I check out my timetable preview... hmm. Decisions,decisions...