My great semester

Hey :)

It's been a month since I posted anything at all. Sorry. I have been awfully busy with finals. I immediately came home after that, but there's something about my home that makes me not want to turn my computer on. And then I attended a Symposium. It was awesome. I shall elaborate later. And after that, waiting for results and lazing around. I have so much in my head I wanna say so lemme break it down. Okies?

1) FINALS

My finals week preparations

Finals was painful for me actually. I had midterms and assignments to hand in right up to the last day of semester, I didn't have enough time to fully prepare. My first paper was Genetics, and I only had like a few days to study. After that was a race to study Endocrinology and Molecular Biology together!! Honestly, I still don't know how I managed it. My last paper was Protein and Proteomics, and I had an English paper before that. I must say, Proteins was my worst paper. But overall, throughout Finals week I was doped on coffee, Milo and loads of delivered food :D

All my medication

I also got very sick after my Genetics paper. I was coughing a lot continuously, i had been coughing up specks on blood, I had chest pain and on and off fever, my bones were aching and my body was very sore, and I had night sweats. So, the day after my Genetics paper I went to the Clinic with my friends and got my first x-ray done, for a PTB test, to see if I had tuberculosis. All clear though. I got tonnes of medication but they never gave me a diagnosis and actually, up to today, I still have some of the symptoms like chest pain, continuous coughing and bone aches. I honestly don't know what's ailing me but I hope it's nothing serious. I was basically sick throughout the semester and Finals week. It was kinda pressuring to push my body that hard. But I made it :)


2) RESULTS!
It came out yesterday. And I knew I passed all my papers, I just didn't know my grades until yesterday. For the first time since I joined UTAR, it felt great to see my results. I managed to get a GPA above 3.0, which I have never done before. Well, I have but it was in the short semester so it doesn't count haha. I really think I outdid myself this semester. Usually its a C for me in any Science subject I take but I managed to get a good score on all my science papers and an A for my English :) I keep opening my portal just to see my results. I have never been this proud of myself.

3)SYMPOSIUM
So, University Malaya held the 3rd Malaysian Symposium for Biomedical Sciences on the 19th and 20th of May and I went there. I went there by myself, but I stayed for 2 nights with my fellow course mates and seniors. Honestly, my first impression of UM was bad. The accommodation provided was horrendous and we had no means of transportation in and out of UM. So, it was kind of bad. And oh, communal toilets!! AWFUL!! But the programme itself was fantastic and I learned a lot being there. Also making new friends from other universities and also gaining new insight on my to be profession, it was all so wonderful. The one noticeable thing at the symposium was not the programmes, but the breaks. Oh god we had so many breaks and food served!! Malaysian culture I suppose? But I got very tired of eating. LOL. At the symposium, I learned how to present my future Final Year Project. Like, I have never been really exposed to these kind of things so it was a really good experience. I also learned how to be meticulous in my work and my future research. Another stupid thing happened there though. My right eye was inflamed or something. It turned blood red and became horribly painful the 3 days I was there. At one point I was walking around UM with just one contacts on. Amazingly, the inflammation subsided once I came home. Which was stupid.

After the symposium on Sunday, we all reached KL sentral and I waited for my course mates to board their train before I left for home. We reached around 6pm and the train was at 9pm, so I waited till 9pm until everyone went home.

UTAR at MYSYMBIOS UM

4)NEXT SEMESTER
Next semester, I will be a Final Year Student. I can't believe it is finally happening. I am so excited!! I am taking 6 subjects again and I really think I can handle it :)


Overall, my life is great. It's just that, I have been feeling a little uneasy for a while mostly because I haven't gone to church, and also, I think my stupid mind is more focused on how much more I have to go rather than see how much I have already accomplished. I'm also a little edgy because boyfie is going through a bad mood period and I can feel his aura, which I react to. But overall, I can say my life is good. Boyfie made two statements since I came here, (1) I have no friends, and (2) I don't do much but study. Well, at first I was upset because he was right, I had no close friends. There are a lot of important people to me back in Kampar but the ones I was closest to are gone (thank God and praise God for that). But honestly, when I think about it, I am happy being by myself. I work harder and better when I am alone and honestly I don't really like depending on anyone anymore. It's just more, productive being alone. And as for not really having a life, haha, well, I have to agree. I have been on full drive mode with my studies this semester. I think I'll branch out a bit and do more social things for the coming semester. It will be good :)

I don't know what to write anymore. I think I have written everything that happened last semester in a nutshell. Something like that. I do hope to blog more.

xoxo

You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

The good and the bad

I had the craziest dream. Ok, it was a nightmare. And I have lucid dreams, which means I am aware that I am dreaming, and sometimes I can exert some sort of control over my dreams. And my dreams are very realistic and vivid. Which is scary if I have nightmares. This time I dreamt about murdering someone and hiding all evidence, only to go on a killing rampage. I still remember one part of the dream where I check my revolver for remaining bullets and conscious me is like "Why the fuck is the bullet all funny looking?" I am naturally a sweet person, I don't like hurting anything and if I do, the guilt that envelopes is a very painful thing to experience, and oh gosh the guilt I felt in my nightmare... So weird. Worst part is I woke up thinking it really happened and it was not a dream but a flashback! Panicked for a moment and then realised it was a dream. 


I think I have been watching and researching too much Resident Evil. 


On a sweeter note, the only thought that calmed me down was the thought of him. I honestly miss home and I really miss my queen bed with my own softer more hug-able version of a bolster. And I miss him. He is honestly my most favourite person in the whole world. It's just the things he does for me. I don't ever remember slogging in the kitchen when I'm there. He does it for me. He becomes mummy during meal times. Cooks the simplest yet most delicious food. I'm actually yearning for custard. He always makes it for me and it's sweet and it doesn't hurt my teeth so its truly my favourite food there. And he knows I like chocolate/strawberry milk and sweet things so when he goes out he gets me those. And if there is a late football match and I'm already groggy and tired he puts me to bed and hugs me for a bit and makes sure my bolster is near me and all that before he goes downstairs. And he wakes up before I do, always, so he can finish his work and his prayers and all that because he knows when I'm awake I'm going to need attention. And when Pinky was spoilt and there was a possibility she would not get better, he knew how upset I was and ignored his work to make me smile. Of course, we have a lot of arguments. Most of them are stupid and caused by differences in culture and opinion, but I dont ever remember sulking for more than an hour. We usually forget and go back to being obnoxiously close. 


It's the small things. He makes me very happy. And it makes every problem seem quite small. And he has brought me closer to God. He has become my mentor. He tells me about God in such a personal way I feel like I know Him too. We all know I have a problem with that. 


I really miss him. And it sucks Valentine's day is on a Tuesday. I can't skip Monday because I would be missing tonnes of lectures and I can't miss Tuesday either- its practical week. I have labs. I'm sure we'll come up with something. 


I think I'm going back to bed for a couple more hours before I tackle Genetics tutorial. It's very difficult and I think its going to be my most challenging subject this semester. But I found this amazing study note and I made my own from it, so I understand the gist of it now. I think I will be fine :) 


xoxo

Para-para paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep. 
And dreamed of para-para paradise"

Mixed feelings. Some things are happening, and I dont know what to make of it. I don't know if it will get better, or worse. The worse part is, I cannot talk to anyone about it. Recently I have resorted to Befrienders to just talk. Last night I had a good cry talking to a lady named Karen. Befrienders are nice, but you never expect to be so isolated and alone that you have to resort to strangers to get some comfort. I cant talk to boyfie about it. He is the sweetest, most caring guy anyone would ever meet but this one issue I am not allowed to talk to him. 


I still cling on to the trust I have in God though. I don't know where He is taking me, and the life He has prepared for me. But I give up trying to figure out, and I hope that God will lead me through it all. I mean, He knows what He is doing. That's obvious. 


I just want this year to be ok. To be good. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes, and I dont want to remember this year as the 23rd consecutively fucked up year. Actually I just wanna go home. And be with my boyfie, and 'rape' the new playstation 3. It's my safe haven. 


I really did expect the world. I just don't know why it's not happening yet. I don't wanna be 40 and still waiting for the dreams to come true. And most of all, I dont want to be alone. I'm learning how to be alone, and I'm doing pretty well, but I don't fancy it. I want a family. I want my parents to love me again. I want really good friends, not life sucking human beings. And I want boyfie with me forever. 


I have not existed this whole week. It's like I have been flung out of the map. Not one call from anyone except boyfie. I think if the holidays were longer, I would be completely forgotten. I don't wanna be forgotten. 


So, I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for things to be great. It's good for now, but I want great. 

Seriously =.=

My boyfriend just made me uber depressed. No, he didnt say anything stupid or hurtful. He told me a little about his dreams, and how annoyingly stupid Malaysian 'policies' are, our lack of freedom to speak, to do things we want, our right to choose, lack of 'human rights' etc. And he told me about his life back in his country, about how each university has its own radio station, where people pour out their thoughts, opinions, views on something, and how there is so much to do there nobody really gets bored. Quite aggravating to hear all that, when the biggest thing I did today was wake up. That was it. I havent left my bed. And this man thinks I am queer, as in I dont like watching movies, and he still cant figure out what I like to do. It's just depressing.

I wanna do a lot of things ok? Like, tomorrow, a bunch of people I knew from ages ago are going to the waterfalls, and they are making plans and shit, and I wanna do that too. But (1) I dont have people that I'm close to anymore, (2) I dont have the money or the transport to do those things (3) I dont have friends. Technically (1) and (3) are the same. So yes, I admit, I dont have friends. I have a lot of people I talk to but no one I can make plans with. And before anyone reading this snickers and swims in the joy of me not having friends, I rather be alone than be with that old nasty bunch I used to waste my life with. I wanna go shopping. And I havent seen that new building near Jusco Ipoh so that would be a treat. But (1) I have RM4 which would give me tomorrows meal and wont do me any good in Ipoh anyway because a to-fro ticket is RM7. (2)What good is going there if I cant buy jackshit? (3) I wanna watch a movie but again, I still havent figured out how to rob a bank efficiently(sarcasm).

And I wanna do other things too. Like go to the zoo. Or go to Gentings. I wanna purchase my Instax Mini 25 now so I can take pictures and make more scrapbooks. I want to take a train ride to Singapore. Hell, I wanna visit Singapore. I want to go to Penang. I want to go to the beaches. I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to take a night ride to Cameron Highland's and have hot Tomyam soup in the freezing weather. There's a lot of things I want to do, but everything I wanna do is halted by the fact I am ass broke and well, you could blame me by saying "Go get a job!" Do you know how difficult it is to get a job in Malaysia if you're an Indian? Ok scratch Malaysia. Before joining uni, I tried everywhere in Ipoh looking for a job. Sales, waitressing, cyber cafes, everything. First they want Chinese. The end. I'M SORRY I'M NOT CHINESE(no offense I love chinese people) And Kampar, you just cant get a job. No matter how hard you try. The race thing comes in between. Maybe they feel more comfortable working with their own race... but SERIOUSLY YOU ARE IN BETWEEN MY HOPES AND DREAMS! So I have to accept whatever scrap my parents give me, and save from it so I can decently ride in a train to Nilai instead of stealing somebody's buffalo and do the rodeo thing all the way there. And manage my toiletries,my food, the little happiness I get from buying scrappy notebooks and clippy pens etc.

So can you blame me? Seriously?  Someday I'm going to move out, get a decent job and a decent life, get decent friends and do amazing things and never have to worry about anything because there will always be a solution to everything.One day I'm going to get myself out of this shithole of a country and never look back. 

Plans and dreams.

Currently having the flu. I diagnosed myself with the viral flu so I dont need to go see a doctor, coz according to my last sem's Immunology what's the point anyway? Right eye is swollen shut though, I have been itching it like a monkey all night last night and now I'm an one-eyed pirate muahahahahaha. I'm pretty sure my right eye is going to fall of someday. Poor thing has gone through a lot. Lol.

Bie and I have been talking about going to New York someday for Christmas. Well, I told him I wanted to and he said ok. And then we were talking about possibly migrating to New York. I think the idea sprung up from the fever and my Tumblr dash being flooded with Christmassy pictures with snow and winter coats and fashionable things. And also, I want to live somewhere where it's snowy, busy, full of life. Not somewhere like Ipoh, or Kampar, or even Nilai. I only love Nilai because he is there.

I want to live somewhere life never stops showing itself, time never seems to stop. I never had New York in mind actually. It's just recently. Australia is another choice. I dont want to think about living in Brisbane. But if I have to, then hey why not?

It's just, I started living this life, giving up on dreams and hopes and started believing that people like me should shut up and accept whatever is given to me. But this man comes into my life, and tells me I should start dream again, and literally nags my dead dreams into life again. I dont know what I would do without you.

Whatever happens, I have a plan. And it's quite amazing