The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe. 

I 'has' a goal

I cant sleep. Yet again. And I think it's too late to sleep as I have class in the morning. I have been thinking about what I want this year. Goals. Well, I wont call them resolutions because I have not once attained the things in my resolutions. Never. But this year, I feel the wind of change blowing on my side, and I am quite excited about it. One of it is something I have been trying to achieve for the past, let's see... actually all my life. I have tried it my way, my mother's way, the internet's way, the crooked way, the self destructing way, but have gone nowhere. I'm trying again this year, a little help from God and also a better constructed plan. Hopefully, I attain it. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??) Oh... I'm trying to lose weight. Mostly because (1)I'm a girl and (2) I really wanna wear pretty clothes!!  I came up with a plan, and let's see how this works out for me.

I found this amazing pair of jeans that I desperately want to wear from Victoria's Secret.

I know... its PINK!! I love it though!! My goal is to be able to wear this pink jeans in the size I want by end of this year. Possible? Let's hope.

It feels weird that I have absolutely no pressure from my boyfriend about losing weight. In fact he adores me. Which is awesome. And I have completely blocked out my mum from my head. So this time, I'm doing it all for me. Which is refreshing.

Hey did you know that eating the same food over and over again makes you lose weight?

xoxo

Beautiful like me-Joydrop

I have been so bored today. Its only Day 2 of my semester break. What started out as a 'Tumblr rape', ended up in watching youtube videos about eating disorders and all those shit I used to do 2 years ago.I feel like I'm in some sort of a relapse, and it's so much easier now that no one is even bothered to check on me. Don't worry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone to. I'm just venting out my frustration. Most of it focused on my mum and dad at the moment. My parents are awesome, up to a point. They send me money, every time I run short to pay my student bill, money is there somehow.My parents keep me comfortable while I slough at university. My dad calls me and tells me when he has banked in. They do a lot to make sure I graduate. But that's about it. I don't ever remember having a normal conversation with them. When I tell them I have exams, they ask how I did in it and I usually say I did alright and that's the end of it. 

My mum texts me about my aunt and her daughter, and how they are doing and what they are doing and happenings in churches nearby and how great some pastor is. But she never asks about me. She never asks how I'm doing and what my plans are for the day or if I wanted to hang out with her and go shopping or something. When the attention is actually on me, its about the weight, or the smoking, having bad friends, straying of. If its something good, its about getting pants that fit or something tailored coz apparently retail clothing wont fit on me. I wouldn't mind if this was their normal behaviour, but they behave so differently with my cousin. When I'm at home and my aunt and my cousin come to visit, my parents talk to that girl.Like, normal conversations. About school and friends and her new haircut or something that you expect parents to talk to their kid about. While I try to concentrate on TV, fuming away but looking stoic about everything. How can I not relapse? 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I get my parents to look at me as a person, a child and not an asset, or a liability(I am still not sure what they see me as) is to look like Barbie and be perfect. So there is nothing to be seen as a flaw. I have stopped talking to them about school, friends, studies. I even lie when they ask me what I eat. I have been maintaining "I had bread for food" lie for months now. Bread is foolproof. I always listen to this song, 'Mirror' by Barlow girls and there is this verse, "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.I know He defines me". God defines me. Right? I shouldn't be bothered about what my parents say about me, or think. Right? So why am I so obsessed with getting their approval? So obsessed with that never to be seen pat on the back. And then I listen to 'Beautiful' by Joydrop and feel like that's the only way to get that approval. I'm just so confused. And I really 'megaloathe' my cousin. I know I shouldn't. But I do. Because she will always be that competition that I will never win over. Which is superiorly silly because she is so much younger than me and I am so much more capable than her in so many ways. This act of being so desperate for parental approval is mental torture.

Cuddles and dreams

I don't like long distance relationships. I just don't like it. I like to be near the person I love, always, all the time. Right now, I'm in a 'mini' long distance relationship. Means I get to see boyfie whenever I want. But soon it wont be like that(the woes of being in love with someone who is not from your country). He has to go, eventually, and then it will be a 'normal' long distance relationship. And hopefully by that time I will be prepared enough, or even working so I can fly to him whenever I want muahaha.

Problem is, I used to worry so much about this. When I first met him, the first question I asked was, how long do you have in Malaysia? Only then did I pursue the love affair. But now, I dont worry about it. I am at peace with the idea. I completely trust God to make this work for us. Only two options can come out of this; that we are made for each other and we'll find each other again and be happily married or that we were not meant for each other and God has someone else in our lives. Either way, they both lead to a happy ending. I guess, thats why I dont get jittery about this issue anymore.

On a darker note, I think I'm relapsing to my old habits.  I am constantly on proana blogs/tumblrs and talking to the posters. My mind is constantly clouded with those old thoughts and it seems to me, I dont want to break away from them. Another battle I suppose. Another relapse, another cycle. I cannot go on a normal diet/exercise plan without drifting back into the underworld of eating habits. But I really need to lose a tonne of weight! And my evil side is laughing it's ass of because I have no one to force me to eat or have interventions for me, no one to lie to about eating and all that. I dont have to hide!I'll just do my thing :D right?? NO! I hate you evil side. Only I know how much pain this is going to cause me. Self destructive habits are out to play when there is no one to care. Evil side is also asking me to bug boyfie to take the offer to that stupid Kansas university so evil side can play with my eating habits and all that. I hate you evil side!

Gosh let's see how self control plays a part in all this life mockery.