'Vegetable Incident'

When I first started preschool, there was a colouring contest, and we were supposed to colour in vegetables. And I got ALL the colours wrong. Everything. Even with my parents outside the window trying to 'play' charades with me on regards of the colours. I got them wrong. Yes, I was born an idiot. I still remember looking at everyone's artwork and feeling very small. Because I knew I was wrong. How in the world did I not know which colour to use?

There are so many incidents like that, that I remember which still kinds stings when I think about it.Since small, I have been taught to be independent, to take care of myself and to never depend on anybody to get my work done. With two adults in the house who are forever angry and bickering, it was easy for a small child to get lost in all of it.

But I have to thank God for all that. If it hadnt been for that 'vegetable incident' or the countless other 'incidents', I would never have pushed myself harder. I am a Biomedical student in her second year and improving every semester. I am course representative for my year and so far, I havent had any complains =P. My english is near impeccable and boy do I know how to use it. I read like a glutton and I can hold an adult conversation with ease. Politics, Philosophy, Theology, Science, plan rubbish talk, fashion, art, anything. You name it.I am a very confident person, I can talk to anybody and make them feel like they have known me for years. I'm very independent and resourceful and I am very determined. And I am very proud of who I am, what I have become and the potentials I have.

But I think a lot of it has God playing a big part in them. Sometimes I dont think it is me being that person, it's God who is giving me those traits.He was there all along. In my very challenging home, in my very depressing school life, the bullies, the ones who called me names, the lack of support. I blamed Him for not 'mollycuddling' me and I blamed my parents for not defending me. But one day I was watching my cousin and her mum interact and I realised, what her mum did was what I wanted from my parents, but if it had turned out that way, I could never have become what I am right now.

And today, I walk alone. I am alone in uni, I do my own thing. I cant believe I have survived the whole semester without anyone to hang out or be friends with. But I'm walking in a different tune, in a different sort of confidence. God confidence, not self confidence. It has taken me so many years to learn that, and a big upheaval in my life too. Again, God used the pain and hurt so I could gain something so much more important.

I may look like I have very little going on for me, but my heart feels full. I see plans, and potential and challenges and adventures. I really wouldnt change a thing. And if it takes a little more struggle to get there, I couldnt be happier.

Cookie Monsters :)

Tomorrow we will register for out next semester timetable. And seeing as I will get my loan, I have decided to jam 7 subjects into my 'pitiful' life muahahahaha. This is what I am taking next semester.

Molecular Biology
Proteins and Proteomics
Endocrinology
Genetics
English for Science
Ethics, Professional and Social Issues
Professional Ethics and Manners

LOOKS A LOT RIGHT???? I KNOW!!!!

But English for Science, and the two other Ethics subject will go by in a breeze. Those are subjects related to the social world, so I'm not worried about them. I have 4 Science Majors, which I'm freaking out about. I shall pester my seniors to give me their notes muahahahahaha

Excited about next sem, and hey last semester I took 6 subjects(well I did drop one, but that's because my lack of concentration blew because of some idiots I gave my life to). I will prevail next semester!!! (thank you so much for not being my friends anymore. You gave me back my life!)

Omnomnomnomnom

A day well spent

This morning started with restlessness, inability to sleep (I'm so excited for Christmas even though Christmas in my house is like every other day, except that the Christmas tree makes me sneeze a lot), and me having a solo 'clubbing' in my room, dancing and listening to Club Hits at 4am. I know, I'm awesome. And then uni started, and I have no idea how awesome this day would turn out to  be. It was pretty awesome. I got to help a friend out, 'help' my favourite lecturer determine whether a sample was contaminated or not(I was bullshitting of course, but it made her laugh), had an awesome conversation with my Toxicology lecturer(I think we sat there for an hour), made friends with some lab officers(I love lab officers! they are the go to people when you're too scared to ask the lecturer) and borrowed his lab coat. Why? Coz I got to go see FYP students do... FYP!!! I was a senior for a couple hours. It was awesome. And then I had lunch with my senior, and hang out with her :D I also sorted out my every sem academic adviser consultation, and he gave me good reports on my form.

Also, my Toxico lecturer asked me if I'm Malayalee or punjabi, like for the second time. =.= I is of South Indian ancestry okies? And I can speak awesome tamil. And also, she said I sound like a very small child. Obviously she doesnt know how loud my voice can get. But yes, 3/4 of the time I sound sorta like a little girl, like a mouse(mishka). And when I told boyfie this he agreed and he was like "Yes babe you should like a small child" and insisted I 'shuddup' when I insisted I IS ALL GROWN UP! I is 22 ok? VERY GROWN UP!! *sulks* I love these two people though. My toxico lecturer is uber sweet. And very easy to warm up to. She has this mother like nature. Once I was having lunch by myself and she put her hands on my shoulder and asked me if I was always by myself. She is uber sweet.

Now, I just want to concentrate on my diet, and my Toxicology, and do well, and get to Nilai asap, because I keep getting this vibe boyfie isnt feeling so great. He always sounds dull and always is quiet. He needs MUA to cheer him up :) I have an awesome boyfriend though ♥
IT WAS GREAT!!!!! 

My hope

Sometimes, we look at the world, and we look at life. And we see how big our problems are, and we worry, we fret. We get depressed. And we get this gnawing feeling in our hearts that things will never be ok. And sometimes that gnawing feeling will never go away. There's always something to worry about.

I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my parents. I worry that they will never make up. Never be happy. I worry that they will always blame me for their lives and I wont be able to do anything. I worry that my mum will never love me, and my dad will always see me as a burden. I worry about my uni, I worry about how I am going to push my CGPA up, if I will ever finish my soft skills, if UTAR is good enough for me to get a decent job. I worry about getting a decent job, if I will ever get one. I worry about my boyfriend. I worry about him all the time. And I worry about our relationship, because sometimes love is not enough and as much as we love each other, we are still studying, and he will graduate soon and leave Malaysia. I worry about how we are going to last after that.

I worry.

But today, I had a mini revelation. That the only person I can be completely honest with is Jesus. I can be as blatant and as confused as I can be, and He will not judge my lack of understanding. He will listen, and He will answer. So I told Him what I was worried about. I told Him about my lack of understanding. My sadness. My ever constant feeling of lack. And I didnt get an answer. Nothing. No Bible Scriptures popping  in my head, no sudden revelation about things, no vision, nothing. So, I gave up and decided to watch a bad copy of Real Steel(which I didnt finish), but the beginning song caught my attention. It was All my Days by Alexi Murdoch. And that's how He spoke to me. He told me that this is what I should look forward to. That everything might be blurry now, and sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But its ok. Some day I will see clearly, and I will see His plans clearly. Until then its ok to just breathe somedays, survive everyday, and put my hopes in God.

It's easy to say those things. But it's not easy to do. But it's sorta easy for me. Because my whole life I spent wandering and looking for a good life, but I never got it. And then He comes along and tells me He's got amazing plans for my life. Its like taking a filthy,useless,hopeless beggar and telling her He'll make her a princess. Who wouldnt want that. So, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. I'm not worried about living in another country, or moving, or getting a job, or marrying A, I just know everything that happens is good. Even if it looks like a shithole at that very moment. Even if it seems like its the end of everything I wanted, it might be the beginning of what I really truly needed all along.

Like I said, it's not easy to do those things. But it's the base of my hopes. And I just need to keep building it.

I just know everything will be fine. 

Today has been Ok

This room is just too cute!!
I've been trying to create a nice atmosphere for myself, and I have been obsessed with space and rooms for as long as I know. I just like nice things way too much.
I have been Tumblring the whole day, reblogging and saving my favourite pictures. I think, pretty soon I have to buy an external hard disk because I have way too many pictures on my computer. Someday, if I move in with the person I'm in a relationship with, I still will be adamant to have my own room, and make it look amazing. And my own pretty house someday. Oh damn I cant wait.

This is week 2 of my 7 week short semester. So far, so good. Hit some social roadblocks along the way. Yes yes, I know my style makes me look rough and grunge like at times, but honestly since last semester ended I have been feeling less grungy and more girly. Most of all, I feel extremely humbled. Humbled that I dont really know the world, and when I compare my experiences to, lets say my beau, I dont really have much to match up against to. Humbled because the amount of things I have learnt is so little compared to some people, even simple things. Like how a guy, is able to make amazing egusi soup and I have trouble making fried eggs. FYI, Egusi Soup is a very confusing recipe. Very.

My heart feels lighter today, mostly coz I have been invited for Deepavali, means I get to see new faces and maybe make friends, and also because I have started the 'studying ball' rolling. The only downside from today is the horrible ache I have been having on my right ribs for the past 3 days. It just wont go away and I cant really breathe when I'm sleeping on my front or my back.

Deepavali is on Wednesday, and I hope everyone is having a good celebration/holiday.

Ps, I really need to get my ass back to Church...