Butterfly Project

I was reading through LGMH when I saw a post about the Butterfly Project. So I googled it. And what'd ya know, it was something for me. 


The Butterfly Project has been created for self-harmers who feel they are ready to stop and need the motivation or support to do so. A member’s hypnotherapist, who found this idea on an online blog and felt that it was a good idea that should be promoted as a distraction, has recommended it.

The idea is simple. The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and, if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement. Whereas if they do self-harm with the butterfly there; they will have to wash it off. If that does happen, they can start again by drawing a new one on. 
(Source)


I am a self harmer, or a recovering one, and the last time I cut was 21st March 2011. I stopped, for a friend, because for once, the friendship was more important to me than my obsession. 


But it doesnt mean the thoughts dont slip in and out of my mind. I still have the yearning to do so, and mostly I curb it by thinking about my boyfriend, and how upset he will be when he sees fresh marks. 


This is a very nice way of curbing those demons. (But I dont like butterflies very much, you see)


Simple rules: 
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand. 
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

(Source)

I always write TWLOHA on my arms when I get terribly upset and I want to self harm myself. 

TWLOHA means "To write love on her arms" You can check it out here. 

At the end of the day, I see my scar filled arms and legs and I wonder, was it all worth it? I still dont have the answer to that question, but every scar was a battle between me and my demons. Every scar meant, I lived through it and I am still alive. 

And so are you <3

xoxo

Cuddles and dreams

I don't like long distance relationships. I just don't like it. I like to be near the person I love, always, all the time. Right now, I'm in a 'mini' long distance relationship. Means I get to see boyfie whenever I want. But soon it wont be like that(the woes of being in love with someone who is not from your country). He has to go, eventually, and then it will be a 'normal' long distance relationship. And hopefully by that time I will be prepared enough, or even working so I can fly to him whenever I want muahaha.

Problem is, I used to worry so much about this. When I first met him, the first question I asked was, how long do you have in Malaysia? Only then did I pursue the love affair. But now, I dont worry about it. I am at peace with the idea. I completely trust God to make this work for us. Only two options can come out of this; that we are made for each other and we'll find each other again and be happily married or that we were not meant for each other and God has someone else in our lives. Either way, they both lead to a happy ending. I guess, thats why I dont get jittery about this issue anymore.

On a darker note, I think I'm relapsing to my old habits.  I am constantly on proana blogs/tumblrs and talking to the posters. My mind is constantly clouded with those old thoughts and it seems to me, I dont want to break away from them. Another battle I suppose. Another relapse, another cycle. I cannot go on a normal diet/exercise plan without drifting back into the underworld of eating habits. But I really need to lose a tonne of weight! And my evil side is laughing it's ass of because I have no one to force me to eat or have interventions for me, no one to lie to about eating and all that. I dont have to hide!I'll just do my thing :D right?? NO! I hate you evil side. Only I know how much pain this is going to cause me. Self destructive habits are out to play when there is no one to care. Evil side is also asking me to bug boyfie to take the offer to that stupid Kansas university so evil side can play with my eating habits and all that. I hate you evil side!

Gosh let's see how self control plays a part in all this life mockery. 

Sad day

I recently changed one of my Digi Easy Prepaid numbers to my boyfie's number so I can call him for free all the time. But seriously, it doesnt help much coz he isnt really the type to hang on the phone and talk sweet nothings. Even when I'm with him, he doesnt give me attention all day. Dating an older guy comes with a prize I suppose. Not that he ignores me. I get 5 star treatment around him. My breakfast is made, lunch is made, dinner is made.  Even when he watches football, he gives me attention. Always checks up on me. He is really lovely. 


But I really like talking to him because somehow I feel like I am connecting to someone. I havent felt connected in a while, although I have new friends now and they are great :) 


And I'm going through a rough time with the parental unit. I have been trying to get my parents to reconcile with one another for the past few months. I have been doing everything they want me to, budgeting etc. Honestly I dont remember the last time I texted my dad saying "NO MONEY!!" I always have some left when he banks in more. But I have an aunt who was quite apparently spawned in the underworld because she is ALWAYS trying to get my mum and dad to separate and she has been doing it since mum and dad got married. 


So yesterday, aunt sent me a text about how ungrateful I am, and how me and my dad are the same, and by that meaning, using my mum to achieve what we want and how my dad is 'hardcore' blablabla. I dont get this whole 'child using parents to achieve greatness' theme my parents and my aunty uses on me to hurt me. What kind of child would use their parents to achieve greatness? Isnt that like a, default thing? So, I sent her back texts, and actually I have to admit... horrible texts because seriously nobody is in a good mood when they wake up to rubbish like that. She(smart woman) used it to instigate my mum to hate me, and I told my dad what aunty said about him and that I seriously cannot have a sem break with such negative presence there. to which dad replied, no more money for you(apparently money is comfort for me. Food and other things fall from the sky)


Thank God I saved up. 


I feel like its my duty to fix my parents up and its all my fault they are so unhappy and I'm scared my parents will die in a very unhappy state, but honestly I dont see where I am the problem. Yes, I do need money for uni and its not like I'm blowing all the cash on rubbish. The little I get goes for food and toiletries and the occasional hair cut. And paper. 


I feel very unhappy about this. I'm not going home for Christmas. When I had to make a choice I couldnt choose them. Because as we all know, my mental health isnt really stable( I cut, a lot.. or used to. ) and being in an environment where your mother whom you see as god basically calls you sysophrenic(Schizophrenic) and your dad says you are a waste of space, isnt a very conducive environment. I rather go to the place where I am missed and where I have my own space even when its not my home. 


I'm very unhappy. But I said I trust God. So I just have to survive today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. and fingers crossed maybe someday the parental units will finally realise I wasnt so bad to be around afterall. 

Morning!

Morning!

I just woke up. Well I woke up many times but I made myself sleep again. One whole week of very little sleep caught up with me. I had the craziest dream! It was something like Mission Impossible, and one of my friends were in it with me. This friend of mine, I like him. As a brother of course. I only hung out with him and his then girlfriend(who is my another very close friend) for a couple of days, but he was the sweetest guy I have ever known. He even wore a tux because I wanted a bodyguard :P and also it was 'Wear Formal' day. Something like that.

And he really loved his girlfriend. I, was single at that time, and going through the crazees of being alone and I remember spending so much time envying their relationship. I think I still do. Not that my boyfriend is any less perfect, but I think he likes to love me with an 'iron fist'.. :P I miss my bie!!

I dont know what I'm going to do today. I feel so lazy. Tumblr? Yea... Probably.

xoxo

Having a Broken Heart

I love reading Lauren's blog. Over the past few months, she has been a huge strength to me, through her blog and her emails to me. 


I will never forget this sentence, in one of her posts. 


Let me tell you something. Every time your heart breaks, you will lose little bits of it, like porcelain chips that are too small to glue back to the pieces of the plate. But if you let him, God will step in and be your glue - and the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart.


 I will never forget what it meant to me, how it made me feel when I read that. 


Few months ago, I had a major fallout with a group of people. And that fallout caused me to mope around Kampar for a long time, by myself. I had no friends. Nobody to talk to, have dinner with, hang out etc. Mostly, as much as I was relieved for losing the baggage(s) that were holding me down, I also lost a true friend, something I will forever regret. 


But I didnt let myself break down. All day in uni I was like this. 

But only I knew how hurt I was because of everything that happened. But I decided I was not affected by it all. I didn't let God see my brokenness. All day everyday I pretended everything was great. But it was all going downhill actually. It came to a point where I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. Or do anything. 


I don't really know what happened. I think it was the emails Lauren sent to me. Maybe God was speaking to me through her. Maybe He was speaking to me through Pam. But I started reading the bible. I started reading Psalms. And I realized how, in many different occasions, David was just as broken as I am. He cried out the words I wanted to say. Maybe it was the fact I started to reach out to God again. 


I started to accept my brokenness. This is coming from someone, who told everyone, how awesome she is. I like to give everyone the impression that I'm so full of myself, oozing of confidence. Maybe that was my biggest flaw. I was wearing bigger shoes than I could fit into. That turned out to be not fun at all. So brokenness it was. I accepted that I was flawed. That I played some part in what happened. That I needed to change. I also accepted the fact that I wasnt ok, and my heart was breaking and I stopped pretending everything was ok. 


My heart felt like it had been put into a blender and made into mush, but I started to see it as a blessing. That meant,  God can work in me a bit more, and I can lose a lot of me, and put a lot of God to replace me. 


I guess that is a good thing. You should see how calm my soul is at the moment. I still go through the same issues everyday. There is still pain. But I wish I could show you how calm I feel at the moment. Sometimes it feels like I am sitting on a big rock, right in the middle of nowhere, the ocean crashing all around me. But I feel calm. I do not fear. 


I choose to let God see my brokenness. I also choose to let Him fix me up. 

Trusting God

It is not like me to have scriptures ringing in my head, but a couple has been doing so for the few months. And the past couple weeks, I have been slowly realising something, or to be put more eloquently, my heart is turning to the right direction.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11


Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4


These are very common scriptures that we hear a lot, and one of the earliest Promises of God that we learn about when we accept Christ into our lives. In fact, I heard so much of these two promises that they became mundane to me, and everytime I heard it, I scoffed and ignored it. "Yea yea, I have heard it. Same old, same old". I really got sick and tired of hearing people say that to me. 


You see, all my life, I have lived in uncertainty. We never knew what was going to happen next. My parents didnt know about planning and budgeting and very often I would hear my mum and dad fight because there was no money left for next week. When I graduated high school, running away with my then boyfriend was the only option because my parents couldnt send me to uni and I really wanted the big crazy wonderful life I often dreamt about. Every plan I made did not work out. I always felt like I was stumbling through life and there was nothing much that could be done to stop it. Everytime when I make something good happen, there will be obstructions, downfalls, failure. 


So I didnt really believe that God would promise me such a thing. I felt like all He wanted to do was swat my hopes and dreams and make me into His 'Christian puppet' and turn me into a robot. 
Well, that's what listening to a hundred people about God will do to you without learning about Him yourself. 


So I decided to erase every idea I had of Him and start new. And for the past few months, God gave me the opportunity to learn the real meaning of these two promises He had given me. Well, I didnt see it that way first. The first few weeks were spend in dismay and total devastation. I had to give up the things that were most precious to me, so I thought them to be. And after a while I learnt about something, something that further made me feel hopeless about my life and future because I had it all perfectly planned out, and now its getting distorted. 


I was very angry with God, I yelled at Him, I cried a lot. I started reading Psalms after Lauren advised me to, and I still remember sobbing out the words every night until my very feather like paged bible started to blotch with tears. And then, these two scriptures came into mind. They always did. I didnt know the exact words, or which part of the bible they were from( i had forgotten my scriptures), but they always nudged me in my heart. Whether when I'm on the bus to uni or walking home, when I'm studying or just mindlessly lying on my bed. And I started to question Him, what do you want me to understand out of this? I need to know. 


And slowly I begin to get it. 
Every time I start out on something, I run around in circles. Whether its with friends, or relationships or just plain attitude. I run around in circles, get hurt and end up at the same spot as before, because I never looked to God for the right way home. I looked to the world. To be in a popular group, to be badass, to be this, to be that. I looked to the world. And it would have worked alright for me if I was not directly connected to God through Christ. I would just run around everywhere until I found my footing. But I am the lame little one, whom God said, you are Mine. When I said yes to Him 4 years ago, I immediately became one of His. I have a direct line to His plans for me. 


God has made an amazing plan for me. He didnt create me just because He had too much time on His hands, He chose me, He made me, and He gave me my name and He made a whole wonderful plan for my life. And it would be the life I desired. He put those desires in me. I mean, He planned everything so perfectly so that I get to live an amazing life here. I know so, because I see a lot of people who are enjoying life to the fullest because they listen to Him and I also have seen many people struggle all their life even they dont look like they deserve it because they dont listen to Him. 


So, for the first time, in years, I'm not scared of His plans for me. If I have to let go of things/people who are so precious to me, so be it. I am not scared of His desires for me, because I know those thoughts He thinks towards me are perfect in everyway. Even if it doesnt seem that way first, even when my heart breaks, even if I have to spend a few rough years, its ok with me. And I accept. Because I choose to take delight in Him. I choose His companionship over anything else in this world because it is so much easier for me to accept unfailing love. I am the broken one, the unwanted baby, the dejected daughter, the rejected friend, the one people like to push away. I am God's limp little lamb so its so much easier for me to accept my brokenness and my failure and take comfort in His love. I still question God about a lot of things. I still run away from His presence at times. I am not miraculously changed and holy now. I'm still a very broken human being but my desire is to please God, and if that is my desire and He will mold my desires to match his. And I am pretty sure I wont be missing out on life. 


I suppose this is my first step forward. I trust God completely. I trust Him and I trust His Promises. I completely trust Him. There's not doubt in that. 

Missing you

I'm missing you more than usual today. I miss your touch, your smell, your warmth, your skin. I miss your hugs and your kisses and your presence. I miss everything more than usual. I cant believe I'm not there right now. I miss you a lot. I cant wait to come home. I miss home. 

Africa

Studying at home is not constructive at all. I wander of into doing stupid things like 9gag mostly( oh internet why do you exist?). I think I'm going to go study at the library later today.
Someday I want to move to Africa. It's one of my options. New York sounds awesome and cheesy but I will get bored quickly and seriously I rather go to Africa. And it's not because I am in a relationship with an African. I just love everything about Africa. I love its people, its culture, the food, nature, language,everything. I crave for Egwusi soup, and I have no idea how to do it, or I will be eating it everyday. My favourite author is from South Africa, go figure :) I grew up reading about Africa. About the wonders of Ethiopia and Zimbabwe and wars and tribes and culture rich people. Wilbur Smith really influenced the way I thought. And I'm forever grateful to him about that.

I love Africa.

Books Galore!

I kinda realised today why I dont read anymore although books are my life. You see, I'm doing a Science course in a 'hardcore' uni and my course is 3 years as opposed to the usual 4 other unis offer. So, all my time is spent of facts and the 'mechanics of life'. Which, in my opinion has left very little room for fiction in my head. so that is why I lose interest in movies and fictional books I suppose. Maybe. 


But I visited my uni library today to inquire about something and ended up with 4 books, which I'm going to be keeping till next semester. The 4 books are:

1. Survival of the sickest by Dr. Sharon Moalem
   - Its a 'medical maverick that discovers why we need diseases', well that is what it says here on the cover. Its mostly about why deadly diseases are bred into our genetic code and I think its very fascinating because I am taking genetics next semester and this book will hopefully jumpstart my interest in genetics. (because I tend to lose interest with tough subjects)
   
   
   
   
2. Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
   - This book is a must read for me, because it's part of my boyfie's heritage and also the main protagonists are from his tribe, the Igbo people and according to the reviews online, it is the type of book I can sink myself into. This is what it says in a review from Amazon.com. A masterly, haunting new novel from a writer heralded by The Washington Post Book World as “the 21st-century daughter of Chinua Achebe,” Half of a Yellow Sun re-creates a seminal moment in modern African history: Biafra’s impassioned struggle to establish an independent republic in Nigeria in the 1960s, and the chilling violence that followed. 
   
               With astonishing empathy and the effortless grace of a natural storyteller, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie weaves together the lives of three characters swept up in the turbulence of the decade. Thirteen-year-old Ugwu is employed as a houseboy for a university professor full of revolutionary zeal. Olanna is the professor’s beautiful mistress, who has abandoned her life of privilege in Lagos for a dusty university town and the charisma of her new lover. And Richard is a shy young Englishman in thrall to Olanna’s twin sister, an enigmatic figure who refuses to belong to anyone. As Nigerian troops advance and the three must run for their lives, their ideals are severely tested, as are their loyalties to one another.
   
   
   
3. 
   The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
   -I loved the title, so I grabbed it. This review on the back cover caught my eye. "It is rare to find a book that so effectively cuts through the clothes of nationality,caste,and religion to reveal the bare bones of humanity. a sensational novel"
   I have a fascination for those things, because in the end, it is those things that separates us humans, nothing else. And I'm guessing this book is going to be awesome  to read
   
   
   
   
4. Tales from the Bed by Jenifer Estess-This book is a personal account of a woman suffering from ALS. I actually have no idea what ALS is, but I shall google it later on, and I thought I should borrow it after reading the back cover of the book. This is what it says on the back.
   
   
   
   Six years ago, doctors told Jenifer that she had ALS, and to max out her credit cards, take a long trip, and prepare to die. She could have taken doctors' orders. Instead, Jenifer chose to fight for her dreams with renewed courage. She became a soldier in the fight against ALS by drawing on survival skills she learned when she and her sisters were girls.Jenifer wrote from her queen-sized bed in Manhattan, where, as a paralyzed woman facing her mortality, she saw the world. TALES FROM THE BED tells her story of growing up in a typically dysfunctional American family; of her descent into illness; of hilarious, surprising, and heartbreaking encounters with friends and family, lovers, and celebrities; and of her and her sisters' fight to save her life.

And so, 4 books to read during the semester break(which gives boyfie a lot of 'me time' without yours truly 'attacking' him :D

Can't wait to start reading :)

xoxo

To rest on me

Mt. Eden & Ruby Frost - Oh That I Had

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I love you. Cant you see? I'm trying to mold to fit into yours. I love you. 

Angry Rant

My mum sent me a text message she sent to my cousin sister, who is involved with a US army guy. Apparently, according to my mum, army guys are known to have HIV and she has to check his background and what not. I mean, SERIOUSLY MUM!!!!?????? Anyone can have HIV, that's not the point. The point is, where my mum meddles with everyone's life because of her all too active paranoia(and hyperchondria) and ruins everyone's hopes and dreams. Mine included. Being raised by her, I have developed a habit of second guessing myself, always, and always doubtful of everything. In my world, there is always a worse case scenario and worse case scenarios always happen. I really feel sorry for my cousin. She is in her late 40s, 50s maybe and she finally found someone who loves her, and now she is going to doubt him and her love and everything is just going to be shitty.

I dont love my parents anymore. I care for my dad, and I carry around the duty of caring for my mum. And I will take care of them till the end, but I dont love them. And I think the feeling's mutual. Once I told my mum about bie, and she hounded me with hundreds of texts telling me derogatory things about African men, and I just told her I broke it of with him, just to shut her up. For reasons, I will never tell my mum about my relationships, my life, anything. I dont even know if I want her at my wedding(if it happens...) . I just dont want her around in my life. I havent really had a good start in life, and I'm trying to find this thing they call happiness and I dont want her ruining my life with sadness and failure like emotions and then spend the other rest of my life fixing the damage she has done.

I just dont really like her. I dont yearn for her love or anything like that. I dont even like her touching me. I just dont love her anymore. The damage has already been done. It cant be fixed anymore.