Some day

I want this.
I want to go on a long train ride, a comfortable one.
With a cafe in it. With a table like that.
I want to have a Mac. And an Ipod( not Iphone like the picture) charging...
And maybe a piece of cake.
And a beautiful scenery all the way.
Listening to beautiful music.
Texting my favourite person.
And I wanna be doing office stuff, or maybe just Tumblring.
And maybe on the way to see my beloved.
It's so picture perfect.
I want to be picture perfect.

Reading through Facebook, I realise everyone I know has some sort of family/loved one to go home to. Mother, father, siblings... And before I used to be upset, because I had no one to go home to. Nobody to miss me, or tell me to come home for wanting me to be there. And then you appear. And you tell me you miss me. That you want me there. You ask me when I'm coming home... And you do all these things, but most importantly you give me a chance at having normalcy just like everyone else. And the best part is, I am loved. 
I love you. I'm coming home soon baby. 

A thousand years

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I have loved you for a thousand years...

And I'll love you for a thousand more Austin... 

My new loves

I like things. Yes. Some people will say I'm materialistic. I'm not!! I just like things. And I like pretty things. And I have two new loves that I just am hoping to get next year. Because I deserve them lol. Hopefully for FREE!! yes, its good to hope lol. Currently using my resources to get hold of my  two future 'babies'

Wanna see??

This is the new Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro in white. My new friend, Nitya has it in black and I love it. I first saw this phone at E-Tele at Bandar Baru. It looked kinda cool and it meets with my specs for a new phone so, planning to get it next year :) hopefully some phone shop will give me their sample phone for free lol. Hey its good to be optimistic about things like this. Ok, so according to what I have read about this phone, and also played with it; the Mini Pro is an Android phone with a touch screen AND a qwerty keyboard, which is cool(for me). 5MP camera(muahahahaha), and also according to users, it has a good lasting battery, which I so desperately need. And since its Sony Ericsson, it's made for pictures and music(key to my life which needs a soundtrack all the time). It's small, and kinda 'chubby' which is ok with me coz I dont have the habit of putting my phone in my pocket, its always in the back or I hold on to it for dear life.

Pretty cool phone. I 'cop' this phone ok?

Second love.

This, is the Instax Mini 25. Actually I just found this last night while dreaming about polaroid cameras and then waking up at 5am to google it. Its more expensive than the Instax Mini 7s, but let me tell you why.
Unlike the 7s, it has flash. And flash is good because as an Indian, my face wont show on my polaroid. I am a nutty colour :P So I need the blinding light to make me look visible. And also it has a self shoot mirror, which is like so cool because I wanna camwhore vintage style. And choosing a 7s is ok, but why settle for something not as awesome as the 25? Hoping to win this somewhere in Tumblr/ lomo blogshops, something. Or maybe go the old fashioned way and save money for it.

Two new loves :)

I'm taking my days one at a time now. I chose not to sit and worry about the future. Let whatever happen, happen. One thing I know for sure is, today I am happy,my boyfriend is well loved and loves me dearly, my studies are doing great( well thanks to me :P) and I have friends and people to talk to again. Which is awesome. And I'm shielding my parent's negative energy by keeping them in Ipoh where they belong. Which is awesome too.
And I'm scrapbooking. Which is, in my POV, is fucking incredible because I like stuff like that.

le scrapbook :D

My mind is free, and I can choose what to concentrate on and be happy. I'm content. I have everything I need :)
Except for that phone and that camera lol.
COME TO ME!!!!!
Cant wait ♥
xoxo

EDIT: I was wrong about the Instax 7... It DOES have a flash. sowwy!

To Know God

“If you don’t delight in the fact that your Father is holy, holy, holy, then you are spiritually dead. You may be in a church. You may go to a Christian school. But if there is no delight in your soul for the holiness of God, you don’t know God. You don’t love God. You’re out of touch with God. You’re asleep to his character.” ― R.C. Sproul, Choosing My Religion

“When we understand the character of God, when we grasp something of His holiness, then we begin to understand the radical character of our sin and hopelessness. Helpless sinners can survive only by grace. Our strength is futile in itself; we are spiritually impotent without the assistance of a merciful God. We may dislike giving our attention to God’s wrath and justice, but until we incline ourselves to these aspects of God’s nature, we will never appreciate what has been wrought for us by grace. Even Edwards’s sermon on sinners in God’s hands was not designed to stress the flames of hell. The resounding accent falls not on the fiery pit but on the hands of the God who holds us and rescues us from it. The hands of God are gracious hands. They alone have the power to rescue us from certain destruction.” ― R.C. Sproul, The Holiness of God

Taken from http://mikeclevenger.tumblr.com

I dont know God. I'm out of touch with God. I am asleep to His character. I admit. I do feel out of touch. I feel like I dont know Him at all!!! I feel out of touch all the time. I'm being bombarded with Theology all the time that I dont actually like God very much anymore. There's this ideas about God in my head that involves punishment and rules and stuff I have to do to earn my place by His side. Situations I have to go through and places and people. God is not very likable in my head at the moment. My mum bombards me with messages about Pastors and how great they are, and meetings and christian websites and evangelism and preaching and exorcism and healing and all those things. But those are actions, and how can I have any interest in them when I dont even know God, when all I know about him are these actions..? Doesnt seem any different from my past religion. 

I dont know God at all. But I'd like to know Him. Because I know one thing. I know that life becomes purposeful when He is involved. Life has meaning when He's in it. I know, coz I have seen that light shine in so many people. I have also seen the emptiness in people who dont want to get to know him. People who are happy and doing great in life but they have this empty,dark, void aura when you are near them. Because they dont want to get to know God. I'd like the meaningful life. I cannot live without a purpose. I become like Christina Yang who cannot hold a scalpel. 

I'm not sure what I am going to do, but I am going to go to the basics. I'm going back to the Bible. 

Heart in a box

Why must Grey's anatomy talk through my heart and soul and reduce me to tears? WHY YOU NO BE FUNNY? Anyhoo... I loved the opening and ending quote of Grey's Anatomy Season 8 Episode 8 "Heart shaped box"

Say you're in the OR. Repairing a vena cava. When suddenly everything goes to hell. So, you cut this, suture that, and soon that crappy situation is a thing of the past. Too bad you can't meet all of life's challenges with a surgical scalpel. I mean, you could try. But I'm pretty sure that would be considered assault.
It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result, wiser, better equipped to deal with the next big disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.

Sometimes, but not always. It's true.

Today my bie asked me to check his fb and said he posted something for me. Turns out it was Avril Lavigne's Wish you were here song. Bie, you drive me crazy! I wish I was there too. I think my heart is turning into stone from the lack of you. You should just transfer to UTAR and stay with me.

Did I mention I 'ran away' to Nilai on Friday? Ok, so Thursday night I decide me wants to go to Nilai because me feels very stressed out. So me... *cough* ... I, decide to run away on Friday. Went for class on Friday, emailed the lecturer beforehand that I'm checking out from my amazing toxico lecture early. Did my exams, and then took a cab to train station, assuming there would be one measly seat for me. Guess someone forgot it was Hari Raya Haji weekend and all trains were fully booked. I panic and take a cab to the bus station. All fully booked. But thank God for people who cannot decide if they wanna take the bus or not, places opened up and I got on the bus. 4 hours later, yours truly was in the front seat of the bus looking at the infamous traffic jam in KL. I was looking at the cars in front of me blink their brake lights like Christmas lights. And also trying to use mind control to push the cars so my bus can go through.

Reach Pudu, no idea how to get to KL Sentral. After asking countless people for directions to the LRT and learning my way, I got to KL sentral. And then someone decided to buy train tickets home for Monday. Another long queue. And another long wait till my train to Nilai arrived and by the time I reached home it was 12am. I had been on the road for more than 7 hours. Could have gone to Singapore I think with the time I took to Nilai. Had an amazing weekend though. It was lovely. Was relaxing.

Anyhoo,

Check out the youtube video I posted. This guy singing can wrench hearts into pieces. He sings like an angel.

Time to nap and then study for tomorrow's toxicology midterm.

xoxo

UTAR:Uni tak ada rehat

Well, I guess I'm back in UTAR officially. OMG! Week 3, meeting yesterday that lasted for 3 hours. Meeting today. Exam on thursday, another meeting later that night. Weekend spent on survey forms, assignment and studying. Week 4: Meetings, rehearsals, exam on thursday again, and finishing assignments. Week 5: Presentation, handing over assignments etc. Week 6:I have a confirmed exam, another possible exam. Week 7: Last lectures, preparing for finals. Study week: Studying in Nilai, bie you cannot say no to this. Then finals. Then christmas. Hell week. Then sem break.. Which I am waiting for. Sem break is ♥

I'm missing him more than usual today. First time I met him, how he and Ray rushed me to Giant to get stuff, how everyone was staring... How I was so proud to be proudly holding his hand finally. How the 3 weeks went by so quickly. The fights, the loving, the moments;sweet moments... I remember everything.. I cant wait to go back there. I wanna go home.

Outnumbered but never outgunned

My sleeping pattern is so wacked! 

I always manage to be awake by 4am and stay awake till late mornings and then get too tired and go for a nap. Seriously this has to stop! 

Mmm, sometimes I dont know if God is teasing me or strengthening me. Just, so many things are happening and I cannot keep up. The good thing is, I'm over with what happened in Kampar. I thought it would haunt me and torture me, but its not. I honestly couldnt be bothered. I'm more worried about my future. I honestly believe that I have found my soulmate. He is my soulmate. I'm not smitten or having a major crush or a needy,clingy desire for being wanted. This is it. He's the one. I honestly believe so. But some outside forces are trying to undo that and its up to us to hold our ground until it passes. And he's doing a better job at it than I am. I just become a basket case and go all emotional. 

Its week 3 of uni. And I am in no mood for uni actually. I actually wished I already graduated and I was working. Then this unknown force would be nothing. I'd just pack and leave. Motivation to do well in uni and not fail? I think so too. 

My priorities has changed. So much. Before, I just wanted to be in a group of misfits and have fun. Be the group of social recluses. I wanted to be known for my rebellious attitude and be badass. I wanted to take pride at the fact I rarely go to class and still ace exams, break rules and enjoy them. Sit in the freezing cold at the basketball court with a bottle of cheap tequila and cigarrettes and talk shitty talk with the big boys. Well, lemme tell you something about big boys. Big boys are not the ones I used to hang out with. Big boys are not illiterate fools with awful jobs and the tendency to drink and smoke and get wasted every night. Big boys are those who make the best of what talent they have and make a big fortune out of it, responsibly. Big boys know how to treat women and respect them. There are no big boys in Kampar, as far as I can tell. And there's nothing badass about being a rebel and taking pride in being bitches or assholes and not wanting to grow up. No pride in wasting away God given talent and skills. No pride in that at all. 

And so, like I said, my priorities have changed. I dont want to be any of those anymore. I have a future. I have a person. Like how Christina Yang and Meredith Grey are, I am with him. He's my person and I'm his person. And I'm accountable to him. And I dont want to be known as the little trashy Malaysian girl when I become Mrs.Nebechi. I wanna be known as a classy,godly woman with brains to suckerpunch anyone elses. And I know I'm accountable to God first. I know that. But me and God, we're still a working progress. I think I still blame Him for a lot of things that happened in my past and I still find it hard to believe that He is for me. We are still a working progress. I am accountable to God first. But I'm accountable to A too. I'm accountable for the relationship, and for being a team. I'm accountable for our future family and our lives. So I cannot mess that up with my long suffering grudge over my past and make it an excuse for the shitty things I do. 

He's my person. ♥

Pro LGBT

Years ago, I had a friend. Well, she made me breakfast every morning. She had this little stall in a chinese restaurant, and she made me breakfast. Sold me actually. But anyway, that's not the story. She, was born in a man's body. But you would never notice that, except for the rough voice and she was tall. But she was a woman in every other way, at least to me. And she was uber nice. She had the loveliest smile and she cared like a mother. She was wonderful. But others, not so nice. They knew, and they would talk shit about her. And I think she knew they did.

You know, I have had years of bible thumping people telling me how homosexuality is a sin and all that LGBT movement is a sin, and how much they hate these people etc. I have stopped arguing with these people, because I dont know what to say anymore. I just walk away. Because I dont know how to defend it. I cant give up the Christians because they are my people but the other side is my side too. So, I dont know how to defend them.

God said a lot of things about homosexuality. Well, most of it is not good. But, so is a lot of things, like cutting of your beard, and talking to a woman who is on her period, and stupid things like sewing clothes and such. So why is this all ok now, but homosexuality is a sin? My aunty always brings up the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, and although I have stopped arguing, I still stand by my point. Sodom and Gomorrah was a story about lustful men who werent born homosexuals, they were so consumed by the thought of sex, they just fucked everything they saw. And what about transgender people? Did God made a mistake? Or did sin change DNA? So I dont know...

Actually I dont know what God thinks about being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, pansexual etc. I really dont know. But I do know that God loves all of us. And He died for all of us, and everyone has the same chance with God. And so, I love them all too. Because it would be hypocritical of me if I, a bisexual went and told everyone that all this is wrong to protect my Christian status.

I havent gone back to that restaurant in ages. I wonder where that lady is now....

Thank you

Thank you.

Thank you for being mine.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for putting up with my quirks and antics.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for making me realise worse things can happen to people and I'm a survivor.
Thank you for making me act like one.
Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful.
Thank you for making me realise 88lbs is not a goal weight.
Thank you for making me realise that bulimia and self harm is not how I should live.
Thank you for always empowering me when no one else does.
Thank you for the breakfasts in bed and lunches too.
Thank you for kissing my legs like it is the most natural thing to do.
Thank you for making me want to reconcile with my parents.
Thank you for helping me discard the bad out of my life.
Thank you for sharing your life with me
Thank you for being amazing.

I love you. I want to be a better me because of you. I dream of a better future because you push me towards it. Thank you for being my 'bie'.

♥ I can never make it without you.

Favourite things today

Responsibilities

I'm loving Grey's Anatomy.
I mean, I have always loved it, but I missed the first 4 seasons and I'm watching from the start. I like this one episode in Season one, the 5th episode where Meredith talked about responsibility.

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers."

"Responsibility. It really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Responsibilities...