Shorts are ♥

I like shorts. I like wearing shorts that make you look chic, smart, casual and just laid back. I like shorts that accentuate great legs and can also look classy. However to the many people in my campus who like wearing shorts. Two tips. 1) Buy your own size, not your baby sisters, and 2) There is a thing called too short. I didnt come to uni to see your ass. It makes me very horny. 

Although, I really like these looks. I think they are very cute :) 

Pretty chic huh? Although, I dont think I would be wearing any of them just like that to uni. I'd probably pair them up with leggings/dark coloured pantyhose/ knee high socks. Besides not looking like I'm in uni for a vacation, it will protect me from the ultra cold lecture halls. Seriously, I think they have turned up the chills just to force us to wear more clothes. 

On another note, I wont be able to breathe after tomorrow. My last lab report is due. I have an oral presentation, a lab test, an on the spot assignment and a midterm next week, 2 midterms the week after and a quiz on the week after that. And then, the week  after, FINALS!!! My uni is testing my sanity. 

xoxo

Weekend post

It's been a lazy weekend for me. That doesn't happen frequently and so I'm cherishing every moment. Tomorrow will be the start of Week 11 for me at my uni. 4 more weeks to go and it's FINALS. But there will be no rest this 4 weeks. I still have assignments, presentations, lab reports and midterms going on till the 13th week.

For two weeks now, I've been very low in spirit. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing is happening. Wishes are still wishes, dreams remain in my mind and hope is looks like something that came out of Wonderland. But this week has been good to me, something DID happen. I will be representing my university, and also assistant to my senior course representative for Biomedical Science at the annual symposium held in University Malaya during the semester break. Amazing? I think so too :) And the best part is, a lecturer, whom I think doesnt like me very much chose me. Guess he likes me after all. Lol. Thing is, I adore this lecturer. I 'worship' his brains. And also, during his class last week I managed to answer his question and he commemorated on it. Well commemorated is an overstatement, but I shall use it anyway.

So yes, Symposium!!! And also, Final Year Project titles are out. I wont be doing it this year because it's clashing with my Internship this October but since I'm course representative I will be running around registering my peeps. And also registration for Internship. And also registration for the Symposium event. Have to juggle all that with two assignments due this week, and one presentation. 1 lab test, 2 more midterms and one more assignment in Week 12. Good life :) Hey, I'm not complaining. I actually like it. Keeps me active and busy. And no time to be emo haha.

Guess, that's all for now.  I should go. I need to complete my lab reports.

xoxo

Back to Church

Hello... Its a quiet Saturday. Well Saturday is gone. Its Sunday now. I, am still procrastinating on my work because my ovaries are throwing their monthly tantrums at me and I couldnt be bothered to get out of bed muahahaha. However, the week has been wonderful to me, and I gained a lot of insight on a lot of things. For starters, I went back to church. This thought has been bugging me for ages and I finally got the guts to go back to church. Needless to say, it was like I never left. I am definitely going back next week. And the next, and the next... always.

I also added my cousin on Facebook. Well, I blocked her out of seeing my posts and pictures but she's there. Reading her statuses and posts made me realise something. Something about myself actually. I try too hard to go against the norm. It's not a bad thing, but it's just that, I realised I do that. I dont want to be associated with a certain stereotype, a certain trend. I want to be seen as different. I want to be accepted by everyone. I actually sorta disliked the fact that my cousin keeps posting scriptures and telling people 'dont do this' and 'dont do that'. I felt like, well... if you were a nonbeliever, and someone just came and threw bible words at you without even knowing or acknowledging who you are, would you accept or even try to understand what that Christian is trying to tell you?

I read this on tumblr today
“The modern church does not worship idols of gold or stone, she worships the gods of human effort and will power. Morality has become our Molech and and behavior our Ba’al, while the person and work of Christ is strangely missing from our messages, meetings and media.”

— Jeff Turner, Revival or Riots

I have to agree with Jeff. In my family, faith is determined by human effort and will power. And well, as we all know, I am not accepted by my family because my morales differ from theirs and my behavior is not seen as acceptable. But in my few years with Christ, I still dont understand why I have to act, talk and behave a certain way to be seen as a Christian. When I do something, or talk a certain way, people (family) assume I have lost my faith. I do not believe in going around and telling people the 'laws' of God. I do not believe in telling people they are wrong and they have to turn back before they are condemned to hell. If it was me, I want someone to accept me for who I was, sinner and blasphemer, and love that person. I would want to know what kind of God would love someone like me. I would want that knowledge to lead me towards turning back. That's what happened to me. I wasnt moved at all by this lady who always came to my house and told me I was a sinner. What moved me into knowing God was the love my church and my youth group showed towards me. Picking me up from my house, sending me home, inviting me to their house for sleepovers and taking me out shopping and doing fun things with me when in truth, they didnt have to, because I was of no gain. Them, doing that changed my view about God. If their love of God could move them to love someone like me, then this God must be different. And so I learnt about Him. And I wanted Him in my life.

But still, even with my principles, I still havent figured out how to move from that first step of accepting people and not judging them. I dont know how to tell them, my God is amazing and you should come find out for yourself. That is also part of the reason why, I went back to church. I guessed, as much as I loved God, my knowledge of him was still sparse. And maybe if I knew God more, I would know how to reach out to people. And if I knew the Holy Spirit more, I would learn how to listen to His directions when reaching out.

It's not wrong to be flawed. It's not wrong to have weaknesses. It's not wrong to be wrong. What is wrong is hiding it from God and behaving like everything is ok. Coz if everything is ok, you would not need Him. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am weak and useless without Him. But with Him in my life, I see myself doing great things. 

It's Cat-urday!!!

It's time to blog. Yes!! I HAVE THE TIME!! Today I had my Genetic's midterm and I can safely say I did well. Not too well but better than I expected. These days I'm very driven towards my studies. I actually like it. I have developed a major interest in Genetics and although it's my most difficult subject I really like reading about it and watching videos on that topic. DNA was never my strongest point but this semester, almost all my subjects are based on DNA and gene material of some kind, and honestly I'm starting to like it. I should be napping right now, but I am having a ball online googling for random things on decorating and art and things like that. 

During my test, I was gawking at my lecturer, Dr. Phoon. In my first year, she had this strict look and I avoided her pretty much until this semester. But honestly, she is one of my most favourite lecturers!! She has the prettiest smile and the most motherly face and she actually is very good at genetics. I really like her labs. And, also she is the Head of Department for Biomedical Science so imagine she has so much work to do on top of teaching us such a tedious subject!! I think she should be well appreciated. 

That's the thing with me. I'm prone to hero worship. I basically think my lecturers walk on water. I think they are amazing, they have so much to give and they are actually doing an amazing job. I admit I'm very easily influenced by people. But I have a condition. You have to impress me. If you got that covered, I'm all yours. It's a little bit like how Christina Yang from Grey's anatomy sees Teddy Altman. I adore and admire people who are able to teach me and inspire me to be a better person. Partly also why I adore my boyfriend so much. He has taught me so many things since our relationship and the change in me is immense, and I like it!

This whole week has been a very positive week for me. I heard that my reputation among the young junior is building up (the inny minny young ones haha) and I aced my presentation, my midterm went well etc. I still see a lot of room for improvement though. For one, my organizational skills are still whack. One moment of panic in my room and its chaos all over again lol. And also time management is still a bit out. Other than that, my dieting is not going so well ( I lurve you food), and grooming is a bit out. But that's about it :)

The only annoying thing is, how my mother still cant see how her daughter has grown up to be. I'm pretty sure I'm turning into someone she can be proud of and yet she still cant see. For instance, today's conversation:

Me   : Fine... Ask Saishree to give me her website address. She still got facebook?

Mum: Be kindly what you say 2 her n dont ask matters tat r sensitive like boyfriend -talk about studies n intellectual things ok and Godbless amma love!!

Ok, it sounds harmless right? The thing is, only I can see what she really means based on our 23 long tedious relationship... My aunty has drilled it in my mum's head that I am a bad influence and all I know is sex and boys and having fun the bad way. Ever since we were young, my aunty has always taught Saishree that I should be kept at arm's length and I am bad news and all she should do is learn how to study from me and use me. Well I am not the one who went cavorting with a foreign worker at 12 years old and ending up almost pregos! pffft. Whatever la. I reach out, they stump me. Whatever. 

Boyfie says I should concentrate on my work and become who I want to be, and be successful and amazing, and maybe one day she will see how much she missed out on. 

Until then, out of sight, out of mind. And continue paving my way towards success!!

Owl post

Why am I awake at 4am? Well mostly because I'm looking for a Tamagotchi to satisfy the little child in me. I never got a Tamagotchi and a lot of my young years was spent looking at everyone playing with their Tamagotchi and smuggling it to school so they can feed their 'pet'.

Anyhoo, I'm really sorry for the lack of posts. Uni has been really hectic and any spare time is spent on assignments, lab reports or sleep. Apart from the constant tiredness,lack of sleep and tonnes of work to do, my life is pretty well rounded at the moment. I'm doing well in my tests, my assignments are going great, and I'm pretty sure a few As are in my hand. Very proud of myself.

This semester, I find myself very driven towards my studies. So driven that at times I completely forget about my life outside uni like boyfie, going out etc. I want to do well so badly. I'm also taking the time to dress nicely to uni and look smart and not like some drunkard. By the way, I dressed up as an African girl last Saturday. I wore a  headwrap. I thought it looked pretty cute.

Cute? hehe

This year, is the year of achieving forgotten dreams, unreached goals and creating new hopes and dreams. I'm quite excited about this year. The enthusiasm of the new year hasnt waned down on me.

Overall, I'm doing great. Life can be quite amazing if you choose it to be.

xoxo 

Keep your head high

I tried to reach out to my mum today. I reached out. It didnt work. She ended up mocking my Christian believes and who I am. I had to install a message blocker to keep her taunting words out of my phone.

I feel lonely. I guess that's why I enjoy busy uni life so much. I dont have time to think about being alone or whatever. I like the midterms, and studying hard. But today I get to rest... and I'm restless instead. Bie is very busy at the moment. I feel sorta bad disturbing him. I've been declining hanging out invitations all week... even today. I'm just so used to being by myself nowadays. I have more time for my uni work, my studies, and important things like tests, catching up, administrative work and also my boyfriend.

I just wish I could talk to mum the way others do with theirs.

I should go to bed. And dream of wonderful things. 

Tests

Today, I had a test. For Endocrinology. From 8-9.15pm, when the uni is closed. This semester is interesting. I had a test at 7am, and now 8pm. 


Anyway, I've been studying so dilligently for this test. Making notes, reading the book, and today I spent 6hours in the library just studying. And I did  the test quite confidently. But when I came out of the room, I heard that the lecturer had already started to mark the papers and someone got 96%. Seriously, my heart just sank. Every confidence I had, every happy thoughts I had just went away. I actually was, jealous, and frustrated. Because I know no matter how well I did the test I wouldnt get those marks. Came home and cried. So since then, I've been moping around and wondering where I went wrong. This semester, I have been studious, I have let go of all my bad habits. I dont party, I dont drink, I dont hang out at an ungodly time. I dont skip classes for fun, I utilize my breaks efficiently by running of to the library. I have been working hard. But I need to work harder if I want to get those results that person got, and I just dont know how to do it. 


A friend told me, "Our perseverance and attitude means something to Him"


And yes, I guess I forgot about that. I wanted to be an ace student so badly, and I wanted it all for myself. I forgot about what God thinks of it, and how he feels about me. I hope, He is pleased that I put in effort and everything that I am doing, my behaviour, my attitude... means something to Him. Boyfie also told me that marks and grades do not measure intelligence. I guess, I just wanted to get high marks so the lecturer would take notice of me and like me. God knows I've been trying. 
But I suppose at the end of the day, what God thinks of me is more important than what anyone else does. 

Transposons

On monday, I learnt about transposons. To put it simply, they are part of your DNA that love to migrate from one part of the other, copy and paste themselves anywhere they are inclined to, and are almost always inactivated because of their 'evil' tendencies. Let loose, they cause problems, like diseases and other awful things. Which sorta led me to think... That's what we are. Well, that's what I am. I dont think holy all the time. In fact most of the time my mind is in a twisted place. I have evil tendencies. But guess what? Transposons are quietened down by methylation. Basically, in lay-mans term, 'bodyguards' go and attach themselves to these transposons, and shut them up. So even if they are still there... they cant do jackshit. I think, when Jesus died for us, his blood, became the part that methylated out evil tendencies, and our 'bad parts'. It quietened them. I dunno. It's random. But I do know that without God, without knowing Him, without he presence and sometimes, fear of him in my life... I would be acting out these evil tendencies... Without God, if I had to choose good and bad, I wouldnt even skip a beat choosing the bad side. But He keeps me in check. My 'transposons' are silent. 

Thankful

I feel very inspired to write this one post. Wrote a short version in Facebook but writing it made me more inspired to blog about it. 

So many times, we are not grateful for what we have. Or what we experience. We often forget, well I often forget that everything that happens is actually a miracle, something that is completely not of coincidence but meant to be. And every experience, every situation whether it's good or bad is lessons taught, memories learnt and lives shared. And very often, I forget to be thankful. 

This whole semester has opened up my eyes to see the usually unseen. I have started to see with my heart instead of logic and sarcasm. For a long time, I wasn't this optimistic. I was a dreamer, but I was also a big discouragement to myself. I always felt like the world was against me, I had nothing to be grateful for, woe was me. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I wanted to be like others. Popular, pretty, smart, super awesome basically. And I was angry and jealous when I saw people living the lives I yearned for. 

I don't really know what happened this year. I don't. All I know, is that I have changed. A lot. I think it's after I told myself, I trust God, and I DID trust in Him, and in every situation, every problem encountered, every shitty thing, I made myself say "I trust You" even though I was scared. And the more I said it, the more I 'saw'. And I saw so many things to be grateful for. In so many ways. In so many circumstances. 

Last week, the stress got to me. Friday night, last class and I go home only to be not able to breathe and having this acute pain in my right rib. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't know who to call. Help came in the form of a dear friend. He took me to the hospital, and came back for me. The next day, I had a replacement class, and when it was over there was no bus home and I was feeling horrible so I started to walk back only for the pain to get worse halfway till I started crying. Help came, in the form of a girl a adore and a boy I have known for a long time. Last Thursday, I had a midterm at 7am, before uni officially starts, and I was walking in the wee hours of the morning, in the drizzle. Help came, in the form of course mate and fellow 'warriors'. Help always came. And it's not just that. I'm thankful for my university. 

Yes, I was one of the people who claimed UTAR to be "Uni tak ada ruang" and "Uni tak ada rehat" and all kind of bull crap. But sitting here, in my room thinking about this semester, I feel so grateful for such an awesome experience. Have you ever seen UTAR in the wee hours of the morning before dawn? It's beyond gorgeous. And the air, is not polluted, calm, sweet and cold and the whole place looks poised and beautiful. And just to sit there and look at the beauty and have the chance to talk to God and say thank you. It was a beautiful experience. I will never forget it. And I always complain about having to wake up before dawn for class and back home so late I don't even know what to do with myself, but honestly I like this life. I like having something of substance to deal with rather than the idyllic life I used to live, in denial and buried in the illusion of grandeur and stupidity, controlled by people whom, I don't even give a damn about anymore. Who were of waste to me. This life, has set me straight in my priorities; its do or die(fail in my case). When I come home I don't rush of to do stupid things. I get my work done. I am at par with my subjects in my uni. I am not in blur-dome or total ignorance. I have my priorities straight. And yes, midterm every week does suck and it looks like heavy workload but honestly when you think about in the long run, I'm better prepared for my finals, because I have already learnt it before, once during lecture, again for my midterms and studying it again for finals only makes it harder to forget. 


And oh the life in Kampar. Honestly, like what bie always says, it is the caves. But it is the most perfect, beautiful 'cave' I have ever lived in. And there is no city life in which I can get sucked in, doing what everybody does;shopping, clubbing, lepaking, gaming etc. In Kampar, imagination comes in handy. And honestly only in Kampar can you see young adults get so excited for pasar malam night every Wednesday even though chances of it raining that very Wednesday is 100%. And running after buffaloes and going fishing in the lakes and actually catching one... only in Kampar do you get so excited and mental when you find out McD is coming to Kampar. And the late night barbies(BBQ) in the middle of the road and running around Westlake/Harvard looking for shooting stars in the skies during August-Dec... Going to yumcha at the mamak stall at 4am because you're bored. And sometimes, we get so bored we turn to our UTAR notes/books/ppstreaming for adventure. And there's sleepovers and late night cramming for exams with tonnes of food and redbull. 


This is just a fraction of what I am thankful for today. If I wrote it all, I would have to turn it into a pdf file and link it coz it would be just too long. And , I'm thankful for bie. Because it was him, that led me to this today, and I could say a thousand things about him that I am thankful for, but it all sums up to one; he gave me a home, which was all I wanted my whole life. And I'm thankful for that. And mostly, I'm thankful to God. Because He made me, and He made this plan for my life. And He received me with open arms, and he does that everyday, after all the muck and dirt I 'fall' into. And he continues to plan my life, and lead me through it. And He gave me these emotions, and these thoughts and these wonderful things to say. I don't know what I would do without Him. I am thankful. 

I've lost you

I dont know what to do anymore. I've been trying to get the right words to say, that one wonderfully written letter or speech that sparks the love back in my mother and reminds me of why she took me in in the first place. But I cannot seem to find any. I tried. I sent her a long text. I tried to tell her about how hard I try. How hard it is for me to make her proud, and how it hurts when she sees the best in Saishree and not me, eventhough I have done more and I have tried so hard to please them. But what I got is a two day long rant about how another cousin of mine, Palveena is a gem of a child. How she used her PTPTN money to pay her parent's mortgage and pay her car of. How she is now pursuing apparently both a degree and masters in Math. Well, its easy to use your PTPTN money for other things when the government pays for your teaching programme AND gives you an allowance to be their bitch. And how wicked I am, to spend money on my hair colour and shoes and clothes. I really dont know what to say anymore. What really hurt me is, I was really sick Friday night. I had to ask someone to send me to the Emergency ward although I stay away from hospitals even when I am having the worst fever ever. I was sick, and while coursemates were asking how I was doing and helping me out, my parents completely didnt bother. My dad asked me about money when I told him I was sick and I had to go to the emergency ward. While my boyfriend was absolutely petrified and stayed awake till he knew I was ok, my parents couldnt be bothered.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think it's time to accept that its just me from now on. They are lost in a world of materialism and cash and lost dreams. They will never come out of it. It's almost like losing them to some sort of worldly Alzheimers.

I guess I need to find some sort of closure, and see things in a different way and know that I am doing things right. 

Weekend trauma

This whole week has been so stressful! After a whole week of running around with barely any rest or time to just shut up and watch a movie quietly, I found myself asking a friend to run me of the emergency ward Friday night. My right side had been hurting the whole day but it got extremely bad at night and I couldnt sit,stand, lie down... anything! I was crouching like Gollum from LOTR until even that was unbearable so I checked myself in to the hospital. Thankfully, after 2 shots of really strong painkillers and some to take orally, the pain was quite bearable and they let me go home. Although I am a little pissed because they couldnt be bothered to do an x ray or something, I understand I suppose. With free medical healthcare like that, they have to do anything to save on resources(as in treat the symptoms and let go)... But what was more painful was that my parents couldnt be bothered to care. I told my parents and got nothing in response. I think I have completely lost them.

Today I went to Tesco. And I passed by the children's clothing section, and found myself mooning at all the uber cute baby clothes. I know!!! I'm too young for this nonsense, but honestly, I feel like I was made to be a mummy. Everything my mum did to me, taught me how not to be a parent. And, yea maybe I wont be the perfect mum, but my children will have the best they can get from me. I'm already so in love with my unborn children. So much in love. I'm not so sure about marriage though. If bie is the right person, so be it. Although I have to give it to him, anyone who has children with that man would be the luckiest person ever. I just hope I'm someday brave enough to want to get married and have babies.

But for now, I'm focusing on my own future, my education. So I can get a good job, and a good life, and give myself and my kids a good start in life.