My hope

Sometimes, we look at the world, and we look at life. And we see how big our problems are, and we worry, we fret. We get depressed. And we get this gnawing feeling in our hearts that things will never be ok. And sometimes that gnawing feeling will never go away. There's always something to worry about.

I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my parents. I worry that they will never make up. Never be happy. I worry that they will always blame me for their lives and I wont be able to do anything. I worry that my mum will never love me, and my dad will always see me as a burden. I worry about my uni, I worry about how I am going to push my CGPA up, if I will ever finish my soft skills, if UTAR is good enough for me to get a decent job. I worry about getting a decent job, if I will ever get one. I worry about my boyfriend. I worry about him all the time. And I worry about our relationship, because sometimes love is not enough and as much as we love each other, we are still studying, and he will graduate soon and leave Malaysia. I worry about how we are going to last after that.

I worry.

But today, I had a mini revelation. That the only person I can be completely honest with is Jesus. I can be as blatant and as confused as I can be, and He will not judge my lack of understanding. He will listen, and He will answer. So I told Him what I was worried about. I told Him about my lack of understanding. My sadness. My ever constant feeling of lack. And I didnt get an answer. Nothing. No Bible Scriptures popping  in my head, no sudden revelation about things, no vision, nothing. So, I gave up and decided to watch a bad copy of Real Steel(which I didnt finish), but the beginning song caught my attention. It was All my Days by Alexi Murdoch. And that's how He spoke to me. He told me that this is what I should look forward to. That everything might be blurry now, and sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But its ok. Some day I will see clearly, and I will see His plans clearly. Until then its ok to just breathe somedays, survive everyday, and put my hopes in God.

It's easy to say those things. But it's not easy to do. But it's sorta easy for me. Because my whole life I spent wandering and looking for a good life, but I never got it. And then He comes along and tells me He's got amazing plans for my life. Its like taking a filthy,useless,hopeless beggar and telling her He'll make her a princess. Who wouldnt want that. So, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. I'm not worried about living in another country, or moving, or getting a job, or marrying A, I just know everything that happens is good. Even if it looks like a shithole at that very moment. Even if it seems like its the end of everything I wanted, it might be the beginning of what I really truly needed all along.

Like I said, it's not easy to do those things. But it's the base of my hopes. And I just need to keep building it.

I just know everything will be fine. 

All of my days

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

Beginning song of Real Steel, and a real

pick me up song just when I needed it. 

God you answered my question!!

You do listen to me....

Seriously =.=

My boyfriend just made me uber depressed. No, he didnt say anything stupid or hurtful. He told me a little about his dreams, and how annoyingly stupid Malaysian 'policies' are, our lack of freedom to speak, to do things we want, our right to choose, lack of 'human rights' etc. And he told me about his life back in his country, about how each university has its own radio station, where people pour out their thoughts, opinions, views on something, and how there is so much to do there nobody really gets bored. Quite aggravating to hear all that, when the biggest thing I did today was wake up. That was it. I havent left my bed. And this man thinks I am queer, as in I dont like watching movies, and he still cant figure out what I like to do. It's just depressing.

I wanna do a lot of things ok? Like, tomorrow, a bunch of people I knew from ages ago are going to the waterfalls, and they are making plans and shit, and I wanna do that too. But (1) I dont have people that I'm close to anymore, (2) I dont have the money or the transport to do those things (3) I dont have friends. Technically (1) and (3) are the same. So yes, I admit, I dont have friends. I have a lot of people I talk to but no one I can make plans with. And before anyone reading this snickers and swims in the joy of me not having friends, I rather be alone than be with that old nasty bunch I used to waste my life with. I wanna go shopping. And I havent seen that new building near Jusco Ipoh so that would be a treat. But (1) I have RM4 which would give me tomorrows meal and wont do me any good in Ipoh anyway because a to-fro ticket is RM7. (2)What good is going there if I cant buy jackshit? (3) I wanna watch a movie but again, I still havent figured out how to rob a bank efficiently(sarcasm).

And I wanna do other things too. Like go to the zoo. Or go to Gentings. I wanna purchase my Instax Mini 25 now so I can take pictures and make more scrapbooks. I want to take a train ride to Singapore. Hell, I wanna visit Singapore. I want to go to Penang. I want to go to the beaches. I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to take a night ride to Cameron Highland's and have hot Tomyam soup in the freezing weather. There's a lot of things I want to do, but everything I wanna do is halted by the fact I am ass broke and well, you could blame me by saying "Go get a job!" Do you know how difficult it is to get a job in Malaysia if you're an Indian? Ok scratch Malaysia. Before joining uni, I tried everywhere in Ipoh looking for a job. Sales, waitressing, cyber cafes, everything. First they want Chinese. The end. I'M SORRY I'M NOT CHINESE(no offense I love chinese people) And Kampar, you just cant get a job. No matter how hard you try. The race thing comes in between. Maybe they feel more comfortable working with their own race... but SERIOUSLY YOU ARE IN BETWEEN MY HOPES AND DREAMS! So I have to accept whatever scrap my parents give me, and save from it so I can decently ride in a train to Nilai instead of stealing somebody's buffalo and do the rodeo thing all the way there. And manage my toiletries,my food, the little happiness I get from buying scrappy notebooks and clippy pens etc.

So can you blame me? Seriously?  Someday I'm going to move out, get a decent job and a decent life, get decent friends and do amazing things and never have to worry about anything because there will always be a solution to everything.One day I'm going to get myself out of this shithole of a country and never look back. 

Hello Kitty Forever 21 collection 2011

Another reason why I should move out of M'sia.
THEY DONT HAVE THIS COLLECTION IN FOREVER 21 M'SIA!!!

Pfffttt!!!!

The Hello Kitty Collection launch was in the Forever 21 store in LA and I got to read it in Dailymail. YAY ME! =.= (not)

I'm a Hello Kitty fan. I am. Not the "OMG LOOK!! I'm so lala" kind of fan, but the "simplicity of the kitty is so adorable" fan. Suck's that (1) They dont have the collection here in Malaysia and (2) I dont have the money to shop even if they were in Malaysia. Sigh.... 

Looks like I just have to stare that all the Tumblr posts about it and pray to God Hello Kitty Collection comes over to Malaysia someday. 

Plans and dreams.

Currently having the flu. I diagnosed myself with the viral flu so I dont need to go see a doctor, coz according to my last sem's Immunology what's the point anyway? Right eye is swollen shut though, I have been itching it like a monkey all night last night and now I'm an one-eyed pirate muahahahahaha. I'm pretty sure my right eye is going to fall of someday. Poor thing has gone through a lot. Lol.

Bie and I have been talking about going to New York someday for Christmas. Well, I told him I wanted to and he said ok. And then we were talking about possibly migrating to New York. I think the idea sprung up from the fever and my Tumblr dash being flooded with Christmassy pictures with snow and winter coats and fashionable things. And also, I want to live somewhere where it's snowy, busy, full of life. Not somewhere like Ipoh, or Kampar, or even Nilai. I only love Nilai because he is there.

I want to live somewhere life never stops showing itself, time never seems to stop. I never had New York in mind actually. It's just recently. Australia is another choice. I dont want to think about living in Brisbane. But if I have to, then hey why not?

It's just, I started living this life, giving up on dreams and hopes and started believing that people like me should shut up and accept whatever is given to me. But this man comes into my life, and tells me I should start dream again, and literally nags my dead dreams into life again. I dont know what I would do without you.

Whatever happens, I have a plan. And it's quite amazing

Some day

I want this.
I want to go on a long train ride, a comfortable one.
With a cafe in it. With a table like that.
I want to have a Mac. And an Ipod( not Iphone like the picture) charging...
And maybe a piece of cake.
And a beautiful scenery all the way.
Listening to beautiful music.
Texting my favourite person.
And I wanna be doing office stuff, or maybe just Tumblring.
And maybe on the way to see my beloved.
It's so picture perfect.
I want to be picture perfect.

Reading through Facebook, I realise everyone I know has some sort of family/loved one to go home to. Mother, father, siblings... And before I used to be upset, because I had no one to go home to. Nobody to miss me, or tell me to come home for wanting me to be there. And then you appear. And you tell me you miss me. That you want me there. You ask me when I'm coming home... And you do all these things, but most importantly you give me a chance at having normalcy just like everyone else. And the best part is, I am loved. 
I love you. I'm coming home soon baby. 

A thousand years

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I have loved you for a thousand years...

And I'll love you for a thousand more Austin... 

My new loves

I like things. Yes. Some people will say I'm materialistic. I'm not!! I just like things. And I like pretty things. And I have two new loves that I just am hoping to get next year. Because I deserve them lol. Hopefully for FREE!! yes, its good to hope lol. Currently using my resources to get hold of my  two future 'babies'

Wanna see??

This is the new Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro in white. My new friend, Nitya has it in black and I love it. I first saw this phone at E-Tele at Bandar Baru. It looked kinda cool and it meets with my specs for a new phone so, planning to get it next year :) hopefully some phone shop will give me their sample phone for free lol. Hey its good to be optimistic about things like this. Ok, so according to what I have read about this phone, and also played with it; the Mini Pro is an Android phone with a touch screen AND a qwerty keyboard, which is cool(for me). 5MP camera(muahahahaha), and also according to users, it has a good lasting battery, which I so desperately need. And since its Sony Ericsson, it's made for pictures and music(key to my life which needs a soundtrack all the time). It's small, and kinda 'chubby' which is ok with me coz I dont have the habit of putting my phone in my pocket, its always in the back or I hold on to it for dear life.

Pretty cool phone. I 'cop' this phone ok?

Second love.

This, is the Instax Mini 25. Actually I just found this last night while dreaming about polaroid cameras and then waking up at 5am to google it. Its more expensive than the Instax Mini 7s, but let me tell you why.
Unlike the 7s, it has flash. And flash is good because as an Indian, my face wont show on my polaroid. I am a nutty colour :P So I need the blinding light to make me look visible. And also it has a self shoot mirror, which is like so cool because I wanna camwhore vintage style. And choosing a 7s is ok, but why settle for something not as awesome as the 25? Hoping to win this somewhere in Tumblr/ lomo blogshops, something. Or maybe go the old fashioned way and save money for it.

Two new loves :)

I'm taking my days one at a time now. I chose not to sit and worry about the future. Let whatever happen, happen. One thing I know for sure is, today I am happy,my boyfriend is well loved and loves me dearly, my studies are doing great( well thanks to me :P) and I have friends and people to talk to again. Which is awesome. And I'm shielding my parent's negative energy by keeping them in Ipoh where they belong. Which is awesome too.
And I'm scrapbooking. Which is, in my POV, is fucking incredible because I like stuff like that.

le scrapbook :D

My mind is free, and I can choose what to concentrate on and be happy. I'm content. I have everything I need :)
Except for that phone and that camera lol.
COME TO ME!!!!!
Cant wait ♥
xoxo

EDIT: I was wrong about the Instax 7... It DOES have a flash. sowwy!

To Know God

“If you don’t delight in the fact that your Father is holy, holy, holy, then you are spiritually dead. You may be in a church. You may go to a Christian school. But if there is no delight in your soul for the holiness of God, you don’t know God. You don’t love God. You’re out of touch with God. You’re asleep to his character.” ― R.C. Sproul, Choosing My Religion

“When we understand the character of God, when we grasp something of His holiness, then we begin to understand the radical character of our sin and hopelessness. Helpless sinners can survive only by grace. Our strength is futile in itself; we are spiritually impotent without the assistance of a merciful God. We may dislike giving our attention to God’s wrath and justice, but until we incline ourselves to these aspects of God’s nature, we will never appreciate what has been wrought for us by grace. Even Edwards’s sermon on sinners in God’s hands was not designed to stress the flames of hell. The resounding accent falls not on the fiery pit but on the hands of the God who holds us and rescues us from it. The hands of God are gracious hands. They alone have the power to rescue us from certain destruction.” ― R.C. Sproul, The Holiness of God

Taken from http://mikeclevenger.tumblr.com

I dont know God. I'm out of touch with God. I am asleep to His character. I admit. I do feel out of touch. I feel like I dont know Him at all!!! I feel out of touch all the time. I'm being bombarded with Theology all the time that I dont actually like God very much anymore. There's this ideas about God in my head that involves punishment and rules and stuff I have to do to earn my place by His side. Situations I have to go through and places and people. God is not very likable in my head at the moment. My mum bombards me with messages about Pastors and how great they are, and meetings and christian websites and evangelism and preaching and exorcism and healing and all those things. But those are actions, and how can I have any interest in them when I dont even know God, when all I know about him are these actions..? Doesnt seem any different from my past religion. 

I dont know God at all. But I'd like to know Him. Because I know one thing. I know that life becomes purposeful when He is involved. Life has meaning when He's in it. I know, coz I have seen that light shine in so many people. I have also seen the emptiness in people who dont want to get to know him. People who are happy and doing great in life but they have this empty,dark, void aura when you are near them. Because they dont want to get to know God. I'd like the meaningful life. I cannot live without a purpose. I become like Christina Yang who cannot hold a scalpel. 

I'm not sure what I am going to do, but I am going to go to the basics. I'm going back to the Bible. 

Heart in a box

Why must Grey's anatomy talk through my heart and soul and reduce me to tears? WHY YOU NO BE FUNNY? Anyhoo... I loved the opening and ending quote of Grey's Anatomy Season 8 Episode 8 "Heart shaped box"

Say you're in the OR. Repairing a vena cava. When suddenly everything goes to hell. So, you cut this, suture that, and soon that crappy situation is a thing of the past. Too bad you can't meet all of life's challenges with a surgical scalpel. I mean, you could try. But I'm pretty sure that would be considered assault.
It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result, wiser, better equipped to deal with the next big disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.

Sometimes, but not always. It's true.

Today my bie asked me to check his fb and said he posted something for me. Turns out it was Avril Lavigne's Wish you were here song. Bie, you drive me crazy! I wish I was there too. I think my heart is turning into stone from the lack of you. You should just transfer to UTAR and stay with me.

Did I mention I 'ran away' to Nilai on Friday? Ok, so Thursday night I decide me wants to go to Nilai because me feels very stressed out. So me... *cough* ... I, decide to run away on Friday. Went for class on Friday, emailed the lecturer beforehand that I'm checking out from my amazing toxico lecture early. Did my exams, and then took a cab to train station, assuming there would be one measly seat for me. Guess someone forgot it was Hari Raya Haji weekend and all trains were fully booked. I panic and take a cab to the bus station. All fully booked. But thank God for people who cannot decide if they wanna take the bus or not, places opened up and I got on the bus. 4 hours later, yours truly was in the front seat of the bus looking at the infamous traffic jam in KL. I was looking at the cars in front of me blink their brake lights like Christmas lights. And also trying to use mind control to push the cars so my bus can go through.

Reach Pudu, no idea how to get to KL Sentral. After asking countless people for directions to the LRT and learning my way, I got to KL sentral. And then someone decided to buy train tickets home for Monday. Another long queue. And another long wait till my train to Nilai arrived and by the time I reached home it was 12am. I had been on the road for more than 7 hours. Could have gone to Singapore I think with the time I took to Nilai. Had an amazing weekend though. It was lovely. Was relaxing.

Anyhoo,

Check out the youtube video I posted. This guy singing can wrench hearts into pieces. He sings like an angel.

Time to nap and then study for tomorrow's toxicology midterm.

xoxo

UTAR:Uni tak ada rehat

Well, I guess I'm back in UTAR officially. OMG! Week 3, meeting yesterday that lasted for 3 hours. Meeting today. Exam on thursday, another meeting later that night. Weekend spent on survey forms, assignment and studying. Week 4: Meetings, rehearsals, exam on thursday again, and finishing assignments. Week 5: Presentation, handing over assignments etc. Week 6:I have a confirmed exam, another possible exam. Week 7: Last lectures, preparing for finals. Study week: Studying in Nilai, bie you cannot say no to this. Then finals. Then christmas. Hell week. Then sem break.. Which I am waiting for. Sem break is ♥

I'm missing him more than usual today. First time I met him, how he and Ray rushed me to Giant to get stuff, how everyone was staring... How I was so proud to be proudly holding his hand finally. How the 3 weeks went by so quickly. The fights, the loving, the moments;sweet moments... I remember everything.. I cant wait to go back there. I wanna go home.