God and me

Last night, was a night of horrible conviction, and repentance. I have to say.
Someone asked me, that everytime I turned back to God, and came back to church, I was usually in 'deep shit'. So, would that mean, that when everything gets better, I would turn back again? Honestly, at first, I felt insulted. The whole Wednesday church going, peace enjoying, fun having mood totally vanished into thin air. I actually came home tearing up. How could someone 'accuse' me of something like that? I have been happy, my life was on the right path again, and I was completely 'drama free'... right? So... why would that person say that to me??
Came home, cried and called my boyfriend. I was expecting him to say that's not true, and I've been great and so on. Nope.. He did not. He actually asked me to think about what the girl said, and ask myself if it was true ot not and not to lie to myself. He also said a lot of things that was quite saddening, but true. It was actually true. I did turn away from God when life was great. And when it all became one big mess, and I had nowhere to turn to, no one to run to... I ran to God. Boyfie said something... " You love me right? and you know I love you a lot. But, how would it feel... if I only came to you when I needed something, wanted something... but the rest of the time, I completely ignored  you? Wouldnt that hurt you a lot??" ...Yes.. it would... "Multiply that feeling by 70 times 7..."

:(

I didnt think of it that way. I actually caused pain to God by doing what I was doing. I never thought about Him in my happy times. Of course, I praised Him and thanked Him when I was having a good day, but I always kept Him 'up there'... inaccessible. And me down here. He became not so personal to me. He only did when I was rock bottom.

Ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Also, wondering, is that why, I havent been able to connect to Him the way others do? Is that why, I am always stuck in a circle? I asked boyfie that. You see, boyfie has this amazing relationship with God. He is totally connected. He knows his faith. He trusts Him and he knows Him. Something I dont quite understand yet. I didnt have that. So, I assumed because I came back to the wrong reason, God didnt wanna connect to me like He did with the others. But the thought was ludicrous. That wasnt God's nature... right? Boyfie told me to turn my sadness to a mood of submission prayer, and that God will answer. That I should stop judging myself because I never know if i came back for the right or wrong reasons. Only Father knows which. And that I should ask for forgiveness and hand over everything to him in prayer. He also asked me to read Psalm 51 everyday. Boyfie also said, God enjoys it when we talk to Him. Not just when we ask him things and pray for stuff. But just talking. He enjoys it. Something I dont do with Him. Something I feel ashamed of. And even more humbled and convicted because, I have been a Christian for 6 years, and while everyone I know have been progressing in their walk with God, I have been running around in circles, and still a 'handicapped child' when it comes to my walk in my faith.

Convicted. Ashamed. Undeserving. But with a renewed heart. I dont want what the person in church told me to be true. I dont want to still be running in circles when I'm 50. I dont want to be still laying my foundations when I am 75. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to have the same thing I see in my church friends. I want that joy. That different joy. Something I have been able to feel in my past walk with God, but have lost it.

Old me would have felt absolutely hurt and I would have decided to leave church after this. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not giving up on myself. He didnt. Everytime I hurt Him and left Him, He didnt give up on me. Everytime I came back, He still gave me 'presents' and a 'feast' eventhough I hurt Him countless times. So no, I'm not giving up on me. 

The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe. 

Body Image

People mock me. My friends are very forgiving, and they are amazing, but people outside do mock me. Like when I go to Ghany, there is an old man who is sort of my friend, he mocks me. Yesterday I met an old friend, he mocked me. People just like doing that. I want to know why it's ok to say derogatory things to people who have weight issues. 99.99999% of the time, I accept the mockery, making jokes with them, going with the principle "Others are laughing with you, not at you". But it always hurts. I always go home feeling like a complete useless tool, no matter how much I have accomplished the day. Most days, I contemplate the idea of going back to my old self, the bulimia, and the self starvation. Just so I will be accepted like I should. Sometimes I feel, I dont get the opportunities I deserve because how I look. I'm a person too. I dont know.. I just feel, angry? Abandoned? But it's not all bad. Being the overweight, misfit has given me a thick skin. My confidence actually soared because of that thick skin. even now I hold my head up high when I walk because I know I am wonderfully made. And when I go home back to my boyfriend, he makes me feel like the hottest girl alive. And it's not just him, it's his friends too. But when I'm here.. or even anywhere else... it's sorta sad.

What gives people the right to judge someone based on anything they are? I am just... curious.

Just because someone doesn’t fit your ideal of beautiful doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. I’m a loving, caring, devoted person. I’m deeply emotional, highly imaginative, and I matter. I am a person, even if I’m overweight. I’m beautiful, even if I have fat rolls. I am more than my weight.
I am me.

Role Models.

I was going to write this yesterday. But I fell asleep instead and when I woke up, I had tonnes of work to do, so I shall write now instead.

I love to learn. When I was small, my mum would give me books and writing materials to just go nuts. She had a collection of Reader's Digest dating back to the 50s that I used to read fervently. Even during mealtimes. I never stopped learning. Books, were my only friends. I was never really close with my friends back in school. I was a misfit. But my books were always there. I thank my mum, for being my first teacher. She taught me the value of education. Both my parents did. No matter how broke we were, we always had money to buy books for me.

Coming to university, my thirst for knowledge dwindled to just studying for exams and I started to have the study, vomit and forget attitude. I was too engrossed in learning about worldly ways from bad influences to actually better myself. Until recently that is.

You see, yesterday I was applying for an internship at BP Labs and I was filling out my form, which was in a CV form. And writing about myself made me actually think about the people in my life that have actually influenced me. The good ones. Firstly, my parents. Now, that I'm older, I am starting to understand why past events has happened and how actually my parents, in their own way have helped shape my world. I love them for that. Despite their shortcomings and weaknesses, they have outdone themselves with me. I am truly blessed.

I also have other 'parents'. My lecturers. I am truly, truly blessed and honoured to  be studying in UTAR. Because everybody who I have met here, have touched my life in a good way, have left a deep mark in my life. The most prominent example I can give is about this one lecturer who taught me and is still teaching me. I actually used to be scared of him. There was just this unapproachable aura I had of him that I couldnt shake of. And it sorta disturbed me, because I always had a good repo with all my lecturers. But he taught me again early this year and it was a time where I have already left my old clicks, my old ways, all the sordid habits that sucked out all my brain cells and energy. I was clear and receptive. And that's when I learned from him the most. Not just in my studies, but how to live a life. He is still teaching me. And every week, his lectures are the highlight of my week, not just because I am taught, but my mind and soul is also educated. He might not know this, but I think the world of him and he has been a father figure to me. He triggered that inquisitive part of me again, he made me want to do better, not just for a better CGPA but for a more learned mind. I hang on to his every word and even his life experiences that he shares with us inspires me even more to do my utmost best. His idea of going the extra mile, has stuck with me and I try my best to emulate him.

And it's not just him. It's every lecturer I come across with. Who teach me, educate me and fill my mind with good things. Great things. Usually, when people ask me, "Who are your role models?" I say no one. But I have to say, my lecturers have been and still are my role models.

So this post is dedicated to you, my lecturers, my teachers, my educators. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You are my parents here in uni. You are my mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. My ideals, my lessons, my inspirations and my mentors. Your tenacity and passion are my driving force. Thank you, for everything. I am both honoured and proud that I have the chance to be your student, and I hope someday you will be proud of me too. 

I have nothing to say

I'm not posting much this year at all, compared to the one a day posts I used to write before. Honestly, there is nothing much to say. I'm entering Week 4 of my Year 3 Trimester 1 today. Uni has been hell week since day one. Lab reports, assignments and revisions pilling up. The usual. Missing my boyfie way too much adds to the 'misery'. Also, I have been reconnecting with old friends, which I'm starting to think is not a very good idea after all. For almost a year, I have been doing my own thing by myself. Going to uni, hanging out with me and only me, dinners by myself, studying and well, basically doing my own thing. Some of the old friendships I welcome, mostly because it has taken a new turn, new beginnings, completely different from before, some... remain the same, and honestly I dunno what to make of it. I actually miss being alone. It was just me and my books and special weekends and semester breaks with my boyfriend. I think this semester I'm less focused on my studies and indulging myself with Scrubs and playing this stupid game on my phone (ninjump... sigh I hate you) and lazying around. And somedays I hang out. Last sem, I only hung out like 3 times the entire 4 months. I already filled that quota the first week I was back in Kampar.

I think I'm going to go back to my new 'old' habits. Just keeping to myself. Doing my own thing. And a couple  of things has been bugging me lately, one being so homesick and wanting to go home... another, having no proper clothes to wear to uni anymore =.= Been a little depressed about my weight this last 2 weeks or so. Honestly, those are the two things that irritate me the most. Well, of course there is the finding a spot in a hospital for my internship. 3 things then. Other than that, I'm just Jim Dandy... :)

Missing bie so much. Gosh, I dunno what to do. I should plan a weekend back home sometime soon before I lose my mind. 

My great semester

Hey :)

It's been a month since I posted anything at all. Sorry. I have been awfully busy with finals. I immediately came home after that, but there's something about my home that makes me not want to turn my computer on. And then I attended a Symposium. It was awesome. I shall elaborate later. And after that, waiting for results and lazing around. I have so much in my head I wanna say so lemme break it down. Okies?

1) FINALS

My finals week preparations

Finals was painful for me actually. I had midterms and assignments to hand in right up to the last day of semester, I didn't have enough time to fully prepare. My first paper was Genetics, and I only had like a few days to study. After that was a race to study Endocrinology and Molecular Biology together!! Honestly, I still don't know how I managed it. My last paper was Protein and Proteomics, and I had an English paper before that. I must say, Proteins was my worst paper. But overall, throughout Finals week I was doped on coffee, Milo and loads of delivered food :D

All my medication

I also got very sick after my Genetics paper. I was coughing a lot continuously, i had been coughing up specks on blood, I had chest pain and on and off fever, my bones were aching and my body was very sore, and I had night sweats. So, the day after my Genetics paper I went to the Clinic with my friends and got my first x-ray done, for a PTB test, to see if I had tuberculosis. All clear though. I got tonnes of medication but they never gave me a diagnosis and actually, up to today, I still have some of the symptoms like chest pain, continuous coughing and bone aches. I honestly don't know what's ailing me but I hope it's nothing serious. I was basically sick throughout the semester and Finals week. It was kinda pressuring to push my body that hard. But I made it :)


2) RESULTS!
It came out yesterday. And I knew I passed all my papers, I just didn't know my grades until yesterday. For the first time since I joined UTAR, it felt great to see my results. I managed to get a GPA above 3.0, which I have never done before. Well, I have but it was in the short semester so it doesn't count haha. I really think I outdid myself this semester. Usually its a C for me in any Science subject I take but I managed to get a good score on all my science papers and an A for my English :) I keep opening my portal just to see my results. I have never been this proud of myself.

3)SYMPOSIUM
So, University Malaya held the 3rd Malaysian Symposium for Biomedical Sciences on the 19th and 20th of May and I went there. I went there by myself, but I stayed for 2 nights with my fellow course mates and seniors. Honestly, my first impression of UM was bad. The accommodation provided was horrendous and we had no means of transportation in and out of UM. So, it was kind of bad. And oh, communal toilets!! AWFUL!! But the programme itself was fantastic and I learned a lot being there. Also making new friends from other universities and also gaining new insight on my to be profession, it was all so wonderful. The one noticeable thing at the symposium was not the programmes, but the breaks. Oh god we had so many breaks and food served!! Malaysian culture I suppose? But I got very tired of eating. LOL. At the symposium, I learned how to present my future Final Year Project. Like, I have never been really exposed to these kind of things so it was a really good experience. I also learned how to be meticulous in my work and my future research. Another stupid thing happened there though. My right eye was inflamed or something. It turned blood red and became horribly painful the 3 days I was there. At one point I was walking around UM with just one contacts on. Amazingly, the inflammation subsided once I came home. Which was stupid.

After the symposium on Sunday, we all reached KL sentral and I waited for my course mates to board their train before I left for home. We reached around 6pm and the train was at 9pm, so I waited till 9pm until everyone went home.

UTAR at MYSYMBIOS UM

4)NEXT SEMESTER
Next semester, I will be a Final Year Student. I can't believe it is finally happening. I am so excited!! I am taking 6 subjects again and I really think I can handle it :)


Overall, my life is great. It's just that, I have been feeling a little uneasy for a while mostly because I haven't gone to church, and also, I think my stupid mind is more focused on how much more I have to go rather than see how much I have already accomplished. I'm also a little edgy because boyfie is going through a bad mood period and I can feel his aura, which I react to. But overall, I can say my life is good. Boyfie made two statements since I came here, (1) I have no friends, and (2) I don't do much but study. Well, at first I was upset because he was right, I had no close friends. There are a lot of important people to me back in Kampar but the ones I was closest to are gone (thank God and praise God for that). But honestly, when I think about it, I am happy being by myself. I work harder and better when I am alone and honestly I don't really like depending on anyone anymore. It's just more, productive being alone. And as for not really having a life, haha, well, I have to agree. I have been on full drive mode with my studies this semester. I think I'll branch out a bit and do more social things for the coming semester. It will be good :)

I don't know what to write anymore. I think I have written everything that happened last semester in a nutshell. Something like that. I do hope to blog more.

xoxo

Finals week

I just woke up from a nap. This is Finals week and I just had my second paper this morning. I did ok, but when I think back of all the effort I put in, I feel like I deserve an A..But that's not going to happen because the paper wasn't good enough for an A. And that's a very disappointing feeling, because this semester, I have been working my ass of. And studying hours and hours until I have fallen terribly sick. And yet, it just isnt good enough... Sorta disappointing. 

But I guess I have to be grateful, because I know that my grades will be better this semester than it has ever been since I started university. And it's a step forward. 

Overall, this semester has been good. I have my third paper on Wednesday, so I should start studying in a while.

You can say I'm a dreamer

Taking some time of my genetics hellhole to laze around and blog. Not even the panic and fear that is engulfing me for this finals is taking my mind of blogging and doing stupid things like Tumblring. Actually I wouldnt write this down in my blog because mostly its embarrassing and I dont like talking about it. icAlso, I like to think that my ex reads my blog and I dont want him to gloat victoriously. But in the Twelve step program, admitting is always the first step.

So here goes. Everytime I walk into a clothing store, I always walk out feeling inadequate. Because God gave me the body is a mini pumpkin. And my ex, well boy was he brilliant at making me feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. I still have something he said to me written in my old journal. "Dont talk to me if you're fat and dont take any care of yourself. Surprisingly, this is not because I'm shallow. This is because you're too stupid to realise that being fat affects your health and makes you unattractive,meaning you are unable to achieve the most base purpose of human evolution. And yes, I understand genetics,you might have DNA that predisposes you towards some excessive weight, but you dont have whale DNA" That one 'beautiful' paragraph made me fall so low I spent another 2 years killing myself with stupid diets and starvation and doing stupid things. Jared Scott, I hope you rot in hell.

After a long journey through hell and back, I finally met someone who loves me exactly as I am, lose nuts and bolts included. But still, there is always this awful nagging feeling I get. You know, its not like I do nothing but sit and gobble up food. I am very picky when it comes to food and for some sorry reason all the food I go for is high in calories =.=

And we all know, I love clothes. I love fashion. I love dressing up. But its a very disheartening feeling when you enter a shop and the salesgirls look at you like "nothing in here is going to fit you why are you even here?" or they dont even bother to show you around the shop. Its a very sad feeling.

And you know what the more funny thing is? I am short, I have bad skin, I have stretch marks, I still get pimples and I have bad hair and I'm still pudgy but one of my dreams is to be a model. Yes, go ahead. Laugh at me. Not the Victoria Secret kind of model. I think I already knew from the beginning that God didnt give me a generic face. But more like a Suicide girls model, or something vamp, you know what I mean? The smoky hawt badass zombie killer sorta looks. I know its stupid. But it is a dream, and I am a dreamer and I usually get what I want.

And also, what's the deal with talking behind people's back? You know why as nonjudgemental as I am, I stay away from my race? Its not because I am ashamed of our culture, or our skin, or our believes. Its because of the attitude problem. Only in my culture do I see people backstabbing one another, bitching about one another and pulling each other down. I'm not saying everyone does it, I have some very nice Indian friends who have managed to break away from that vicious cycle. But still... Its no wonder everyone steps on us. =.=

Bore you

Hey peeps :)

It's finally study week. Which means no more classes, just the mental torture of ramming 5 subjects worth of facts into my brain. Today, was more of a sad day. Yesterday was a bit crazy. I had a mini breakdown in front of some random lecturers because of the hellhole my lecturer caused me. I was running around collecting assignments and booking training sessions and seeing the whole process through because she wasn't cut out for her job. And the last straw came yesterday when I was so sleep deprived and angry and she failed to turn up to get the 44 assignments from me. I wont go into details but I ended up very tired yesterday. Today was more of a pity party for myself because I went to Tesco and wanted to  get some clothes but realized nothing fit me well. Well, I'm almost out of this nonsense and I think I shall go have a bath in a while and get my room cleaned and get my studying moving.

This semester I have Genetics, Endocrinology, English, Molecular Biology, and Protein and Proteomics. Ethics is not in my finals. Next semester I will be taking Clinical Biochemistry, Virology, Neurobiology, Immunology and Interpersonal Communication. Excited about next semester :)

I really have nothing much to say nowadays. It's the same old same old. Classes, studying, midterms, assignments, finals, once a day call with boyfie and more studying. I havent seen my man since February and its killing me. Also I have started to hate weekends and holidays because I have become a workaholic and too much rest is detrimental to my sanity.

I'm hoping next semester I have more things to say. I should start making a list of all I want to accomplish before next sem is over.

Love you guys. Sorry for the bore story. I'll come up with new things to talk about hopefully.

xoxo

My wish list

I'm in such a cuddle mood today, mostly because my room is clean and cold and it's raining out there and everything is so... cuddle mode!!

I have been watching this person for a few hours now!!! DivaDarlingChic is soo adorable!!!! I really liked watching his(her? sorry I'm not sure how to address you) videos!!! Check the videos out!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/DivaDarlingChic

Anyways, DivaDarlingChic inspired me to think about stuff I want. You know me, I'm crazy about stuff. And so I have come up with a few things that I desperately want and hopefully I can get them next semester :)

1) Scented candles!!
“Odors have a power of persuasion stronger than that of words, appearances, emotions, or will. The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breath into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it.”  - Patrick Suskind, Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. 

I especially love this quote from my all time favourite book and movie , Perfume: The Story of A Murderer. My favourite scents are candy, sandalwood, and lilac or lavender like smells. I dont really like fruity or citrus-y smells though. I tend to gravitate to the sweet candy like scents. And I really really wanted scented candles, coz I feel like they would make me calmer when I'm studying or relaxing.

2)Victoria Secret Products!

I just absolutely love their products. And while the swimwear and lingeries have to wait for a bit (someone's a little pudgy muahahaha), I want to deck my dresser's counter top with all this awesome products!!

Supersoft body lotion in Sweet and flirty (Vs)

Deep-softening body butter in Enchant in Secret Charm and Tempt in Wild Scarlet(Vs)

Pink With a Splash all over Body Mist in Warm and Cozy

3) A nice make up set to play with and learn new looks and be more girly and less... potato. 

4) Really nice,fitting and affordable clothes 

5)SCHWARZKOPF Osis Texture-Rock HArd Extreme Glue. For those days where the girly girly look doesnt suit the beast inside and the monster comes to play from within muahahahahaha. I miss my mohawk!!

This is all I can think of at the moment. Of course, Id want more. But this would be my first list to work on :)

xoxo

Thoughts are flames. Let me show you how they burn

Something happened when I was in my First year first sem. I felt like all the anger and fury and rebellious nature blowing up, and I found people who enabled me. I was a force to be reckoned with, in a bad way. It wasnt a surprise when I found out that a lot of people didnt like me in my first semester. A lot of people disdained me. I was loud, I was fearless, annoying and there was no filter in my mouth. I wore what I liked, I didnt care about the university system, I did what I liked and when I liked it. I was loud and crazy. I wasnt what you called a Science student. If you saw me back then, you would bet I was a soon to be dropout. I called myself badass and I had no preferance for rules. I was amazing in my own demented way. Yea, that's the word. I was demented.

It cost me a lot. It cost me friendship, good grades, first impressions, good influences. People talked about me in uni and it wasnt in a good way. It almost cost me my future.

The thing was, I was all those things, but I expressed them in a brutally negative way. It took me almost 2 years and a lot of drama and life lessons to get my life story straight. To be on the right path. I think I am on it right now. I am still fearless. But fearless for the right reasons. I have learnt the power of words, and I can safely say I have a filter in my mouth and after months of 'brutal' training from my boyfie I have learnt when to say what. I make the university system work for me, instead of blindly going against it just cause, and I have learnt when to be this and when to be that. I am still loud and crazy, but for the right reasons. I dress well in uni and if you look at me now, you would think I was some kind of A list student. I still call myself a badass. I still am. But I have learnt on what to be a badass at.

A lot has changed in 3 years. And there's still another year left. And soon I will be a working adult. And metamorphosis more. Change for the better. Be better. Be badass