Mum,
I had the scariest nightmare involving you and dad. You became a zombie and I had to kill you and I couldnt find dad. Remember when I was younger I had a different version of the same nightmare? You always become the zombie.
Thing is, I'm too scared to go back to bed. And I really want to call you and get some comfort. But I cannot. I cannot tell you anything. I cannot tell you about my loneliness, my lack of friends, my lack of will to actually start over again with new friends. I honestly cannot be bothered to find new friends anymore. And I cannot tell you about my life, any part of it. I cannot tell you about my insecurities. I cannot get over the flashbacks of you putting me down so much by using my insecurities against me.
What happened to you? You're so mean, full of yourself, and you always think 'woe is me'. Have you completely lost your nurturing side? Sometimes I feel you really turned into a zombie. All you do is think about your misfortunes and how everyone else is the one to blame. Especially me.
I really miss you. Sometimes I dont really mind those awful messages you send me. Because, it means you still remember me. But honestly it feels like both of you left me and I'm all alone in this world.
A is with me. But he's like a man's man. Macho. Too much. He doesnt believe in negative thinking and all that crap. He gets really annoyed when I tell him I had a nightmare or school is too hard. I feel isolated. Very. This Chinese New Year week was very lonely for me. All I did was study or watch Resident Evil(too much of it) or Tumblr. I had my food delivered. A was so busy that he barely had time for me. Which sucks. School is starting today, so I guess I'll be either so busy or so tired from being busy so I guess I wont have the time to sulk or feel sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for myself at times. I'm scared this is life from now onwards. Learning to be alone, doing things by myself. If I die, nobody would know about the wonderful life I have lived, nobody would be there to witness it. I'm scared I'll become non existent. A and I havent gone that far yet that we are sharing our lives together. I mean we are, but not in the way I want it to be. It's too early for that, you know.
You should never feel alone. Because dad is still by your side eventhough you're extremely obnoxious. And so is your sister. And you have your church and friends. Who still call you even when all you do is complain and lament. They are trying so hard to be your friend. If you opened your heart and mind and saw that, you would never complain again.
I'm still trying to find someone to will stick with me to the end. It must be the most wonderful thing in the world. Where no matter what you do, you can be 100% certain that you will never lose them. Yes, God is that person, but I cannot see Him, and I still havent figured out the 'live by faith and not by sight' part. So it's very difficult for me.
Classes start soon. I think I'm going to try to nap before I get ready for class.
Miss you mum.
I had the scariest nightmare involving you and dad. You became a zombie and I had to kill you and I couldnt find dad. Remember when I was younger I had a different version of the same nightmare? You always become the zombie.
Thing is, I'm too scared to go back to bed. And I really want to call you and get some comfort. But I cannot. I cannot tell you anything. I cannot tell you about my loneliness, my lack of friends, my lack of will to actually start over again with new friends. I honestly cannot be bothered to find new friends anymore. And I cannot tell you about my life, any part of it. I cannot tell you about my insecurities. I cannot get over the flashbacks of you putting me down so much by using my insecurities against me.
What happened to you? You're so mean, full of yourself, and you always think 'woe is me'. Have you completely lost your nurturing side? Sometimes I feel you really turned into a zombie. All you do is think about your misfortunes and how everyone else is the one to blame. Especially me.
I really miss you. Sometimes I dont really mind those awful messages you send me. Because, it means you still remember me. But honestly it feels like both of you left me and I'm all alone in this world.
A is with me. But he's like a man's man. Macho. Too much. He doesnt believe in negative thinking and all that crap. He gets really annoyed when I tell him I had a nightmare or school is too hard. I feel isolated. Very. This Chinese New Year week was very lonely for me. All I did was study or watch Resident Evil(too much of it) or Tumblr. I had my food delivered. A was so busy that he barely had time for me. Which sucks. School is starting today, so I guess I'll be either so busy or so tired from being busy so I guess I wont have the time to sulk or feel sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for myself at times. I'm scared this is life from now onwards. Learning to be alone, doing things by myself. If I die, nobody would know about the wonderful life I have lived, nobody would be there to witness it. I'm scared I'll become non existent. A and I havent gone that far yet that we are sharing our lives together. I mean we are, but not in the way I want it to be. It's too early for that, you know.
You should never feel alone. Because dad is still by your side eventhough you're extremely obnoxious. And so is your sister. And you have your church and friends. Who still call you even when all you do is complain and lament. They are trying so hard to be your friend. If you opened your heart and mind and saw that, you would never complain again.
I'm still trying to find someone to will stick with me to the end. It must be the most wonderful thing in the world. Where no matter what you do, you can be 100% certain that you will never lose them. Yes, God is that person, but I cannot see Him, and I still havent figured out the 'live by faith and not by sight' part. So it's very difficult for me.
Classes start soon. I think I'm going to try to nap before I get ready for class.
Miss you mum.
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