Thank God

I am sorry if I complain too much. Maybe I'm too accustomed to complaining. Today I saw that I have so much goodness around me. Good things happening. I thank God. I thank God for this year. I thank God for the year that started out surrounded by people who adore me and a man who is absolutely crazy about me,who thinks I'm perfect and who loves me unconditionally, and more importantly loves God too. I thank God that my financial needs have been met, that I always have enough or more than enough. I thank God for my parents. I thank God for the for the friends I have in my life, though we may not be close, every moment spent together is productive and memorable. I thank God for the purging He did in my life last year, for without it, I would still be a spoilt brat and I would never know the importance of education and a future. I thank God for the peace and contentment, even in my alone times I can still see the wonderful days ahead of me. I thank God for eagerness I have now to study. I have made the most difficult subject of the semester into the most interesting one, and I'm loving it(aced my tutorial today by the way). I thank God for the time left in my life, and how He gave me a second chance to use it well. And I thank God for making me victorious after a period of being trodden over and being put down by enemies. I thank God for never failing me and never letting me down.

I feel on top of the world today. I see my life, and I see the good. And I see the bad being 'washed' away, both  figuratively and literally.

So much to thank God for. What the pikachu was I so upset and angry over?

Things I'll never say

Mum, 
I had the scariest nightmare involving you and dad. You became a zombie and I had to kill you and I couldnt find dad. Remember when I was younger I had a different version of the same nightmare? You always become the zombie. 


Thing is, I'm too scared to go back to bed. And I really want to call you and get some comfort. But I cannot. I cannot tell you anything. I cannot tell you about my loneliness, my lack of friends, my lack of will to actually start over again with new friends. I honestly cannot be bothered to find new friends anymore. And I cannot tell you about my life, any part of it. I cannot tell you about my insecurities. I cannot get over the flashbacks of you putting me down so much by using my insecurities against me. 


What happened to you? You're so mean, full of yourself, and you always think 'woe is me'. Have you completely lost your nurturing side? Sometimes I feel you really turned into a zombie. All you do is think about your misfortunes and how everyone else is the one to blame. Especially me. 


I really miss you. Sometimes I dont really mind those awful messages you send me. Because, it means you still remember me. But honestly it feels like both of you left me and I'm all alone in this world. 


A is with me. But he's like a man's man. Macho. Too much. He doesnt believe in negative thinking and all that crap. He gets really annoyed when I tell him I had a nightmare or school is too hard. I feel isolated. Very. This Chinese New Year week was very lonely for me. All I did was study or watch Resident Evil(too much of it) or Tumblr. I had my food delivered. A was so busy that he barely had time for me. Which sucks. School is starting today, so I guess I'll be either so busy or so tired from being busy so I guess I wont have the time to sulk or feel sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for myself at times. I'm scared this is life from now onwards. Learning to be alone, doing things by myself. If I die, nobody would know about the wonderful life I have lived, nobody would be there to witness it. I'm scared I'll become non existent. A and I havent gone that far yet that we are sharing our lives together. I mean we are, but not in the way I want it to be. It's too early for that, you know. 


You should never feel alone. Because dad is still by your side eventhough you're extremely obnoxious. And so is your sister. And you have your church and friends. Who still call you even when all you do is complain and lament. They are trying so hard to be your friend. If you opened your heart and mind and saw that, you would never complain again. 


I'm still trying to find someone to will stick with me to the end. It must be the most wonderful thing in the world. Where no matter what you do, you can be 100% certain that you will never lose them. Yes, God is that person, but I cannot see Him, and I still havent figured out the 'live by faith and not by sight' part. So it's very difficult for me. 


Classes start soon. I think I'm going to try to nap before I get ready for class. 


Miss you mum. 

The good and the bad

I had the craziest dream. Ok, it was a nightmare. And I have lucid dreams, which means I am aware that I am dreaming, and sometimes I can exert some sort of control over my dreams. And my dreams are very realistic and vivid. Which is scary if I have nightmares. This time I dreamt about murdering someone and hiding all evidence, only to go on a killing rampage. I still remember one part of the dream where I check my revolver for remaining bullets and conscious me is like "Why the fuck is the bullet all funny looking?" I am naturally a sweet person, I don't like hurting anything and if I do, the guilt that envelopes is a very painful thing to experience, and oh gosh the guilt I felt in my nightmare... So weird. Worst part is I woke up thinking it really happened and it was not a dream but a flashback! Panicked for a moment and then realised it was a dream. 


I think I have been watching and researching too much Resident Evil. 


On a sweeter note, the only thought that calmed me down was the thought of him. I honestly miss home and I really miss my queen bed with my own softer more hug-able version of a bolster. And I miss him. He is honestly my most favourite person in the whole world. It's just the things he does for me. I don't ever remember slogging in the kitchen when I'm there. He does it for me. He becomes mummy during meal times. Cooks the simplest yet most delicious food. I'm actually yearning for custard. He always makes it for me and it's sweet and it doesn't hurt my teeth so its truly my favourite food there. And he knows I like chocolate/strawberry milk and sweet things so when he goes out he gets me those. And if there is a late football match and I'm already groggy and tired he puts me to bed and hugs me for a bit and makes sure my bolster is near me and all that before he goes downstairs. And he wakes up before I do, always, so he can finish his work and his prayers and all that because he knows when I'm awake I'm going to need attention. And when Pinky was spoilt and there was a possibility she would not get better, he knew how upset I was and ignored his work to make me smile. Of course, we have a lot of arguments. Most of them are stupid and caused by differences in culture and opinion, but I dont ever remember sulking for more than an hour. We usually forget and go back to being obnoxiously close. 


It's the small things. He makes me very happy. And it makes every problem seem quite small. And he has brought me closer to God. He has become my mentor. He tells me about God in such a personal way I feel like I know Him too. We all know I have a problem with that. 


I really miss him. And it sucks Valentine's day is on a Tuesday. I can't skip Monday because I would be missing tonnes of lectures and I can't miss Tuesday either- its practical week. I have labs. I'm sure we'll come up with something. 


I think I'm going back to bed for a couple more hours before I tackle Genetics tutorial. It's very difficult and I think its going to be my most challenging subject this semester. But I found this amazing study note and I made my own from it, so I understand the gist of it now. I think I will be fine :) 


xoxo

Dreaming

I dreamed about you. It was nothing fancy, a little crazy. But the happiest part of my dream was that I was talking to you. And you were talking to me. And you have no idea how much it psyches me up just doing that. 


Cant wait to see you soon. 

Para-para paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep. 
And dreamed of para-para paradise"

Mixed feelings. Some things are happening, and I dont know what to make of it. I don't know if it will get better, or worse. The worse part is, I cannot talk to anyone about it. Recently I have resorted to Befrienders to just talk. Last night I had a good cry talking to a lady named Karen. Befrienders are nice, but you never expect to be so isolated and alone that you have to resort to strangers to get some comfort. I cant talk to boyfie about it. He is the sweetest, most caring guy anyone would ever meet but this one issue I am not allowed to talk to him. 


I still cling on to the trust I have in God though. I don't know where He is taking me, and the life He has prepared for me. But I give up trying to figure out, and I hope that God will lead me through it all. I mean, He knows what He is doing. That's obvious. 


I just want this year to be ok. To be good. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes, and I dont want to remember this year as the 23rd consecutively fucked up year. Actually I just wanna go home. And be with my boyfie, and 'rape' the new playstation 3. It's my safe haven. 


I really did expect the world. I just don't know why it's not happening yet. I don't wanna be 40 and still waiting for the dreams to come true. And most of all, I dont want to be alone. I'm learning how to be alone, and I'm doing pretty well, but I don't fancy it. I want a family. I want my parents to love me again. I want really good friends, not life sucking human beings. And I want boyfie with me forever. 


I have not existed this whole week. It's like I have been flung out of the map. Not one call from anyone except boyfie. I think if the holidays were longer, I would be completely forgotten. I don't wanna be forgotten. 


So, I guess I'm still waiting. Waiting for things to be great. It's good for now, but I want great. 

Definitions

There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

I can say this for the two beings in my life that influence me so. God. And him..
♥

I 'has' a goal

I cant sleep. Yet again. And I think it's too late to sleep as I have class in the morning. I have been thinking about what I want this year. Goals. Well, I wont call them resolutions because I have not once attained the things in my resolutions. Never. But this year, I feel the wind of change blowing on my side, and I am quite excited about it. One of it is something I have been trying to achieve for the past, let's see... actually all my life. I have tried it my way, my mother's way, the internet's way, the crooked way, the self destructing way, but have gone nowhere. I'm trying again this year, a little help from God and also a better constructed plan. Hopefully, I attain it. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??) Oh... I'm trying to lose weight. Mostly because (1)I'm a girl and (2) I really wanna wear pretty clothes!!  I came up with a plan, and let's see how this works out for me.

I found this amazing pair of jeans that I desperately want to wear from Victoria's Secret.

I know... its PINK!! I love it though!! My goal is to be able to wear this pink jeans in the size I want by end of this year. Possible? Let's hope.

It feels weird that I have absolutely no pressure from my boyfriend about losing weight. In fact he adores me. Which is awesome. And I have completely blocked out my mum from my head. So this time, I'm doing it all for me. Which is refreshing.

Hey did you know that eating the same food over and over again makes you lose weight?

xoxo

New things

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. It was such half assed posts and I am not in the business of being half assed hehe.

So, officially, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 2012 is being so good to me, and Mohawk is well pleased. I spent the whole semester break with my boyfriend. Which was really great. One month of good sleep, good food and an awesome flatscreen tv to cure my random bored moments. I honestly had a good time. Christmas was nothing special, we went out for a bit, and then spent the entire day at home with friends. I was exhausted by 6pm and fell asleep. New year was very different to me, because when the clock struck 12, I was in my room and I could hear my boyfriend's friends praying downstairs and then me and my boyfriend had our own prayers too. I have never started a new year with prayers. Usually it's saying "Happy New Year" to everyone and falling asleep to tv. Some bad things happened too. When I turned my computer on after a couple days there, I realised the keyboard wasnt working. I'm going to blame the commuter for this. Everytime I ride the commuter, I get packed in like a tin of sardines(worse actually) and that day I still remember I had to take my lappy bag of so I have room to move and the bag got kicked around. So I didnt have my computer for a whole month. Which sucked and gave me quite a scare because when the keyboard stops working its probably the keyboard being faulty of the motherboard decided to 'kaput' on you. Thankfully it was just my keyboard and all is fine now :) The day I found out the 'prognosis' on my keyboard I still remember trying not to burst out in tears and bie was like "Ok, let's have a 10 minute crying session for Pinky" and started howling and made me laugh.

That experience, though made me realise a little more about me. I am not someone who gets stuck in a situation. Once I found out about Pinky, I was upset for a while, but then I started planning my next move. And I have always done that with every situation. I never sulk for long. I know I need to move on and start working on things, although emotionally I do tend to remember and hold it in.

Also, the one month break with my boyfriend changed me a lot. First, I learned I needed to grow up. Malaysian lifestyle is so different from from his lifestyle. I had to learn how to behave around him, and his friends, what I am supposed to, and not supposed to say etc. I also became quite the grocery shopper. Proud of myself hehe. I also learned the importance of reaching out to God, and having God in every action I do. Actually the most memorable conversation I had with Bie was about God. I asked him if we could ask God for material things and if that was ok with Him and that sent Bie on a long conversation about God and the Old Testament and such. It was so interesting and gave me a new perspective of God.

There were downsides too, as my boyfriend is actually a strict no-nonsense guy and I am the exact opposite of him. Many times I got reprimanded and once he yelled at me in front of his housemate which sent me on a day long crying session. It was my fault. I have some old habits that are results of my past and was further condoned by former 'playmates'(friends) and it was so childish and wrong of me. But it did feel exasperating at times because I felt like someone cut my tail of haha! It was all good though. I never felt more at home and belonging than when I was there with him and the rest.

The new semester has started and Day one was crazy. I had 5 back to back lectures with only an hour in between two classes and I was rushing to the faculty office and meeting lecturers and buying stuff and returning books and getting new ones. I was rushing everywhere!! It was honestly a tiring day and today will be too but it's alright because tomorrow I have no class. YAY ME! This semester all my science subjects include DNA/gene studies and DNA is my weakest topic. It always has been but I am in such a good mood this year I am going to make sure I ace this semester too.

Ok, time to get a couple more hours of sleep before I get ready for class. Love you all!

xoxo