New

A clean slate is an amazing thing they say.  It gives you a fresh start. It gives you a chance to start over again however you want. However you want it to be.  A clean slate means starting new. And my brain says to me "You need this fresh start. You have been on a downward spiral. You have been chasing after the wrong sort of glory. You have been basking in the pride of being an outcast,the wrong sort of outcast. You have been running around people like a puppy, craving for their mindless attention, the wrong sort. And you have completely forgotten what His attention is like. You have completely forgotten what being loved unconditionally is like. You have completely ignored Him and let the world take over your heart. You have let the dirt, sin and death build up in you so much that you are completely blind to your purpose here on Earth,and you let go of all the things you once loved and cherished and you let yourself get empty so you would have time to fill everyone else s desires. You abandoned your values and your principles so you could be in the good books of the people who years from now, wouldnt matter to you anyway.  You have forgotten that this place is just you passing by, and you have a permanent home to go to, and you almost blew that wonderful chance away because you were so immersed in what you had right at that moment. You let yourself stoop so low even when you knew so many things were going so wrong. But you were so blinded. You wanted to be accepted so bad you screwed up what you already had.

You deserve this. He knew. He had to let this happen. He wanted you to clean your slate. He wanted you to be empty so He can pour good things in You again. He wants you back. And He's started of by giving you something good for you to hold on to. Your slate is clean now. It's empty. And I assure you, things are going to get so much worse. They need to get worse before they start becoming better. You are being refined by fire. The fire is going to hurt. You're going to be in pain for a while. But its ok. You're going to come out of it like polished gold. So hold on. Take each day as it comes. You cant see the big picture yet. You only see the mess. But its ok. See each day as it comes. Survive it. And rest knowing that God has a plan for you. He wont give up on you so easily. Especially when you are so desperate for him. Yes, you are hurt. You feel like its not fair. But its ok. You're not seeing the big picture just yet. Every thing has its time, its season. So, hold on. Your slate is clean. Start new."

My brain is wise.

My heart, not so much. I'm still in the 5 stages of grief. My heart... it wont listen. Full of crazy running in the blood. My counsellor says its the transition. Where my heart and head dont agree. But someday I will, she said.

So I hold on to what God told my brain to say to me, and I tell my heart to shut up and listen to my brain. And I'm trying to get through each day as it comes.

A clean slate is an amazing thing.