Outnumbered but never outgunned

My sleeping pattern is so wacked! 

I always manage to be awake by 4am and stay awake till late mornings and then get too tired and go for a nap. Seriously this has to stop! 

Mmm, sometimes I dont know if God is teasing me or strengthening me. Just, so many things are happening and I cannot keep up. The good thing is, I'm over with what happened in Kampar. I thought it would haunt me and torture me, but its not. I honestly couldnt be bothered. I'm more worried about my future. I honestly believe that I have found my soulmate. He is my soulmate. I'm not smitten or having a major crush or a needy,clingy desire for being wanted. This is it. He's the one. I honestly believe so. But some outside forces are trying to undo that and its up to us to hold our ground until it passes. And he's doing a better job at it than I am. I just become a basket case and go all emotional. 

Its week 3 of uni. And I am in no mood for uni actually. I actually wished I already graduated and I was working. Then this unknown force would be nothing. I'd just pack and leave. Motivation to do well in uni and not fail? I think so too. 

My priorities has changed. So much. Before, I just wanted to be in a group of misfits and have fun. Be the group of social recluses. I wanted to be known for my rebellious attitude and be badass. I wanted to take pride at the fact I rarely go to class and still ace exams, break rules and enjoy them. Sit in the freezing cold at the basketball court with a bottle of cheap tequila and cigarrettes and talk shitty talk with the big boys. Well, lemme tell you something about big boys. Big boys are not the ones I used to hang out with. Big boys are not illiterate fools with awful jobs and the tendency to drink and smoke and get wasted every night. Big boys are those who make the best of what talent they have and make a big fortune out of it, responsibly. Big boys know how to treat women and respect them. There are no big boys in Kampar, as far as I can tell. And there's nothing badass about being a rebel and taking pride in being bitches or assholes and not wanting to grow up. No pride in wasting away God given talent and skills. No pride in that at all. 

And so, like I said, my priorities have changed. I dont want to be any of those anymore. I have a future. I have a person. Like how Christina Yang and Meredith Grey are, I am with him. He's my person and I'm his person. And I'm accountable to him. And I dont want to be known as the little trashy Malaysian girl when I become Mrs.Nebechi. I wanna be known as a classy,godly woman with brains to suckerpunch anyone elses. And I know I'm accountable to God first. I know that. But me and God, we're still a working progress. I think I still blame Him for a lot of things that happened in my past and I still find it hard to believe that He is for me. We are still a working progress. I am accountable to God first. But I'm accountable to A too. I'm accountable for the relationship, and for being a team. I'm accountable for our future family and our lives. So I cannot mess that up with my long suffering grudge over my past and make it an excuse for the shitty things I do. 

He's my person. ♥

Pro LGBT

Years ago, I had a friend. Well, she made me breakfast every morning. She had this little stall in a chinese restaurant, and she made me breakfast. Sold me actually. But anyway, that's not the story. She, was born in a man's body. But you would never notice that, except for the rough voice and she was tall. But she was a woman in every other way, at least to me. And she was uber nice. She had the loveliest smile and she cared like a mother. She was wonderful. But others, not so nice. They knew, and they would talk shit about her. And I think she knew they did.

You know, I have had years of bible thumping people telling me how homosexuality is a sin and all that LGBT movement is a sin, and how much they hate these people etc. I have stopped arguing with these people, because I dont know what to say anymore. I just walk away. Because I dont know how to defend it. I cant give up the Christians because they are my people but the other side is my side too. So, I dont know how to defend them.

God said a lot of things about homosexuality. Well, most of it is not good. But, so is a lot of things, like cutting of your beard, and talking to a woman who is on her period, and stupid things like sewing clothes and such. So why is this all ok now, but homosexuality is a sin? My aunty always brings up the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, and although I have stopped arguing, I still stand by my point. Sodom and Gomorrah was a story about lustful men who werent born homosexuals, they were so consumed by the thought of sex, they just fucked everything they saw. And what about transgender people? Did God made a mistake? Or did sin change DNA? So I dont know...

Actually I dont know what God thinks about being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, pansexual etc. I really dont know. But I do know that God loves all of us. And He died for all of us, and everyone has the same chance with God. And so, I love them all too. Because it would be hypocritical of me if I, a bisexual went and told everyone that all this is wrong to protect my Christian status.

I havent gone back to that restaurant in ages. I wonder where that lady is now....

Thank you

Thank you.

Thank you for being mine.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for putting up with my quirks and antics.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for making me realise worse things can happen to people and I'm a survivor.
Thank you for making me act like one.
Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful.
Thank you for making me realise 88lbs is not a goal weight.
Thank you for making me realise that bulimia and self harm is not how I should live.
Thank you for always empowering me when no one else does.
Thank you for the breakfasts in bed and lunches too.
Thank you for kissing my legs like it is the most natural thing to do.
Thank you for making me want to reconcile with my parents.
Thank you for helping me discard the bad out of my life.
Thank you for sharing your life with me
Thank you for being amazing.

I love you. I want to be a better me because of you. I dream of a better future because you push me towards it. Thank you for being my 'bie'.

♥ I can never make it without you.

Favourite things today

Responsibilities

I'm loving Grey's Anatomy.
I mean, I have always loved it, but I missed the first 4 seasons and I'm watching from the start. I like this one episode in Season one, the 5th episode where Meredith talked about responsibility.

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers."

"Responsibility. It really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Responsibilities...

Butterflies in my tummy

Over the past couple months, I have dealt with loss. I lost my friends. Some of them, I thought were friends. And I lost two very important people in my life. The whole thing has been a big upheaval for me because I was already so comfortable and feeling secure. The past couple months have been quite rough.

But let me tell about about the one good thing that has happened to me, and is probably the biggest and greatest joy I have had in a long time, besides God that is.

I want to tell you a million things about him. About his heart, his story, his character, the things he does for me, how he keeps me grounded, how he keeps me pushing myself for a better future, how instead of making me stay in the clouds he pulls me down to earth and how he teaches me, how he never lets my sight of God, how he is one of the reason I've taken my bible out again. I wish I could tell you the sweet things he does for me, and how I will never forget the first day I met him, and how amazing my 3 weeks was. I wish I could tell you everything about him. And I wish I could tell you the million things in my head that I hold on to, a future of us, the white wedding dress, and the garden wedding I dream of sometimes, our house together. How he has pulled my expectations about this life so high up, that I can do better, be a better person, the best version of me. I wish I could tell you, how hard headed he is, just like me and how he always calls me stubborn but still loves me anyways. How he always advices and nags me, and how sometimes he holds me close and taps my back softly comforting me (or shutting me up). I wish I could tell you everything, but like what he always tell me, everything has its time, its season. And now is not the right time to tell you everything. Someday I will.

But I can tell you this...
I'm in love. Irrevocably. Im contented. 


"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Meredith Grey

Grey's Anatomy,Season 5 Ep 24

"Now or Never"

I love you. I dont ever want to live without you. 

You changed my life.

The Walking Dead

Just watched The Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 1 and 2. Totally awesome. I'm glad the children get to play a big part in this season. I have always been fascinated by post apocalyptic scenarios and if you want me to shut up and watch something quietly(bie, take a hint =P), give me something post apocalyptic to watch. The Mist, Cloverfield, 28 days later, etc.

By the way, I found webisodes of the series, that explain a little about the half eaten zombie girl in Season 1 episode one. She was the main reason I wanted to watch the series. After hearing someone tell me about that girl I was jumping up and down to watch it, and got hooked.

So anyways, lemme post the webisodes here.













Enjoy :)

Today has been Ok

This room is just too cute!!
I've been trying to create a nice atmosphere for myself, and I have been obsessed with space and rooms for as long as I know. I just like nice things way too much.
I have been Tumblring the whole day, reblogging and saving my favourite pictures. I think, pretty soon I have to buy an external hard disk because I have way too many pictures on my computer. Someday, if I move in with the person I'm in a relationship with, I still will be adamant to have my own room, and make it look amazing. And my own pretty house someday. Oh damn I cant wait.

This is week 2 of my 7 week short semester. So far, so good. Hit some social roadblocks along the way. Yes yes, I know my style makes me look rough and grunge like at times, but honestly since last semester ended I have been feeling less grungy and more girly. Most of all, I feel extremely humbled. Humbled that I dont really know the world, and when I compare my experiences to, lets say my beau, I dont really have much to match up against to. Humbled because the amount of things I have learnt is so little compared to some people, even simple things. Like how a guy, is able to make amazing egusi soup and I have trouble making fried eggs. FYI, Egusi Soup is a very confusing recipe. Very.

My heart feels lighter today, mostly coz I have been invited for Deepavali, means I get to see new faces and maybe make friends, and also because I have started the 'studying ball' rolling. The only downside from today is the horrible ache I have been having on my right ribs for the past 3 days. It just wont go away and I cant really breathe when I'm sleeping on my front or my back.

Deepavali is on Wednesday, and I hope everyone is having a good celebration/holiday.

Ps, I really need to get my ass back to Church... 

Psalm 13

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

*I keep putting up a happy smiley front in uni, and I tell Austin I'm happy and ok, but I'm not. And the facade I'm putting up is just being translated into arrogance. If you knew how sad I am...


I dont like uni anymore. I dont like kampar anymore. I wish I did well in uni and I was in IT right now. I want out. 

The only good thing that has happened to me is my love life. I have found the most amazing man, who loves me to pieces. I have never been loved like that. And I am so happy I found him.

New

A clean slate is an amazing thing they say.  It gives you a fresh start. It gives you a chance to start over again however you want. However you want it to be.  A clean slate means starting new. And my brain says to me "You need this fresh start. You have been on a downward spiral. You have been chasing after the wrong sort of glory. You have been basking in the pride of being an outcast,the wrong sort of outcast. You have been running around people like a puppy, craving for their mindless attention, the wrong sort. And you have completely forgotten what His attention is like. You have completely forgotten what being loved unconditionally is like. You have completely ignored Him and let the world take over your heart. You have let the dirt, sin and death build up in you so much that you are completely blind to your purpose here on Earth,and you let go of all the things you once loved and cherished and you let yourself get empty so you would have time to fill everyone else s desires. You abandoned your values and your principles so you could be in the good books of the people who years from now, wouldnt matter to you anyway.  You have forgotten that this place is just you passing by, and you have a permanent home to go to, and you almost blew that wonderful chance away because you were so immersed in what you had right at that moment. You let yourself stoop so low even when you knew so many things were going so wrong. But you were so blinded. You wanted to be accepted so bad you screwed up what you already had.

You deserve this. He knew. He had to let this happen. He wanted you to clean your slate. He wanted you to be empty so He can pour good things in You again. He wants you back. And He's started of by giving you something good for you to hold on to. Your slate is clean now. It's empty. And I assure you, things are going to get so much worse. They need to get worse before they start becoming better. You are being refined by fire. The fire is going to hurt. You're going to be in pain for a while. But its ok. You're going to come out of it like polished gold. So hold on. Take each day as it comes. You cant see the big picture yet. You only see the mess. But its ok. See each day as it comes. Survive it. And rest knowing that God has a plan for you. He wont give up on you so easily. Especially when you are so desperate for him. Yes, you are hurt. You feel like its not fair. But its ok. You're not seeing the big picture just yet. Every thing has its time, its season. So, hold on. Your slate is clean. Start new."

My brain is wise.

My heart, not so much. I'm still in the 5 stages of grief. My heart... it wont listen. Full of crazy running in the blood. My counsellor says its the transition. Where my heart and head dont agree. But someday I will, she said.

So I hold on to what God told my brain to say to me, and I tell my heart to shut up and listen to my brain. And I'm trying to get through each day as it comes.

A clean slate is an amazing thing.