God and me

Last night, was a night of horrible conviction, and repentance. I have to say.
Someone asked me, that everytime I turned back to God, and came back to church, I was usually in 'deep shit'. So, would that mean, that when everything gets better, I would turn back again? Honestly, at first, I felt insulted. The whole Wednesday church going, peace enjoying, fun having mood totally vanished into thin air. I actually came home tearing up. How could someone 'accuse' me of something like that? I have been happy, my life was on the right path again, and I was completely 'drama free'... right? So... why would that person say that to me??
Came home, cried and called my boyfriend. I was expecting him to say that's not true, and I've been great and so on. Nope.. He did not. He actually asked me to think about what the girl said, and ask myself if it was true ot not and not to lie to myself. He also said a lot of things that was quite saddening, but true. It was actually true. I did turn away from God when life was great. And when it all became one big mess, and I had nowhere to turn to, no one to run to... I ran to God. Boyfie said something... " You love me right? and you know I love you a lot. But, how would it feel... if I only came to you when I needed something, wanted something... but the rest of the time, I completely ignored  you? Wouldnt that hurt you a lot??" ...Yes.. it would... "Multiply that feeling by 70 times 7..."

:(

I didnt think of it that way. I actually caused pain to God by doing what I was doing. I never thought about Him in my happy times. Of course, I praised Him and thanked Him when I was having a good day, but I always kept Him 'up there'... inaccessible. And me down here. He became not so personal to me. He only did when I was rock bottom.

Ashamed. Ashamed of myself. Also, wondering, is that why, I havent been able to connect to Him the way others do? Is that why, I am always stuck in a circle? I asked boyfie that. You see, boyfie has this amazing relationship with God. He is totally connected. He knows his faith. He trusts Him and he knows Him. Something I dont quite understand yet. I didnt have that. So, I assumed because I came back to the wrong reason, God didnt wanna connect to me like He did with the others. But the thought was ludicrous. That wasnt God's nature... right? Boyfie told me to turn my sadness to a mood of submission prayer, and that God will answer. That I should stop judging myself because I never know if i came back for the right or wrong reasons. Only Father knows which. And that I should ask for forgiveness and hand over everything to him in prayer. He also asked me to read Psalm 51 everyday. Boyfie also said, God enjoys it when we talk to Him. Not just when we ask him things and pray for stuff. But just talking. He enjoys it. Something I dont do with Him. Something I feel ashamed of. And even more humbled and convicted because, I have been a Christian for 6 years, and while everyone I know have been progressing in their walk with God, I have been running around in circles, and still a 'handicapped child' when it comes to my walk in my faith.

Convicted. Ashamed. Undeserving. But with a renewed heart. I dont want what the person in church told me to be true. I dont want to still be running in circles when I'm 50. I dont want to be still laying my foundations when I am 75. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to have the same thing I see in my church friends. I want that joy. That different joy. Something I have been able to feel in my past walk with God, but have lost it.

Old me would have felt absolutely hurt and I would have decided to leave church after this. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not giving up on myself. He didnt. Everytime I hurt Him and left Him, He didnt give up on me. Everytime I came back, He still gave me 'presents' and a 'feast' eventhough I hurt Him countless times. So no, I'm not giving up on me. 

The Deal with Eating disorders.

You lose your joy. Your smile. Your confidence. Your friends. Your intimacy with others. Your social life. Your desire to live. Your time. Your sanity. Your hair. Your health. Your grades. Your respect for yourself. Your good judgement. Your sleep. Opportunities. You lose your life. People will try to warn you that you can die from an eating disorder. They don’t just mean physically.

It never goes away. It's not like a illness that comes, then leaves.The mark is always there. The thoughts, feelings always remain. I have not gone back to that horrible curse for over a year now. But not completely. There were times when I ate too much, and stood in front of the toilet bowl for hours contemplating my old habits. And it took a lot of energy and a greater deal of self control to turn back and just wait it out. The only reason I insist on having breakfast is because I know once I get used to the emptiness again, I will once again want that feeling to last. The only reason I dont cut anymore is because I know how much it will hurt the people who love me for who I am, and I have every reason to stay strong for them, even if it wasnt for me. And the worse part is, when you're all alone in your room and you catch a glance at yourself in the mirror, this guilt and remorse overpowers you. The ugly feeling of 'regret' that you didnt stick to that lifestyle longer, just so people could see how fragile you really are. The anger, that you werent even sickly and thin to begin with. 

And everyday, I have to fight this demon of. Everyday. Every minute. All the time

And it takes all the willpower, all the courage, all the energy you have got, to rebuke those thoughts. I couldnt have done it without God. I would have been dead by now because of electrolyte imbalance, my stomach rupturing, brain cells dying... if I didnt take up my Bible again and run to God, desperately falling at Him feet, asking for help. He is my Savior. He has never given up on me. And everyday, I try my best not to go back to my self destructive habits with His help, and His help only. Every mockery, every glance, every hurtful words the world throws at me, I have to make the conscious effort to replace them with His promises. They are the only thing that keeps me on the right track. 

It has never been easy. But He keeps me safe.