I was going to write this yesterday. But I fell asleep instead and when I woke up, I had tonnes of work to do, so I shall write now instead.
I love to learn. When I was small, my mum would give me books and writing materials to just go nuts. She had a collection of Reader's Digest dating back to the 50s that I used to read fervently. Even during mealtimes. I never stopped learning. Books, were my only friends. I was never really close with my friends back in school. I was a misfit. But my books were always there. I thank my mum, for being my first teacher. She taught me the value of education. Both my parents did. No matter how broke we were, we always had money to buy books for me.
Coming to university, my thirst for knowledge dwindled to just studying for exams and I started to have the study, vomit and forget attitude. I was too engrossed in learning about worldly ways from bad influences to actually better myself. Until recently that is.
You see, yesterday I was applying for an internship at BP Labs and I was filling out my form, which was in a CV form. And writing about myself made me actually think about the people in my life that have actually influenced me. The good ones. Firstly, my parents. Now, that I'm older, I am starting to understand why past events has happened and how actually my parents, in their own way have helped shape my world. I love them for that. Despite their shortcomings and weaknesses, they have outdone themselves with me. I am truly blessed.
I also have other 'parents'. My lecturers. I am truly, truly blessed and honoured to be studying in UTAR. Because everybody who I have met here, have touched my life in a good way, have left a deep mark in my life. The most prominent example I can give is about this one lecturer who taught me and is still teaching me. I actually used to be scared of him. There was just this unapproachable aura I had of him that I couldnt shake of. And it sorta disturbed me, because I always had a good repo with all my lecturers. But he taught me again early this year and it was a time where I have already left my old clicks, my old ways, all the sordid habits that sucked out all my brain cells and energy. I was clear and receptive. And that's when I learned from him the most. Not just in my studies, but how to live a life. He is still teaching me. And every week, his lectures are the highlight of my week, not just because I am taught, but my mind and soul is also educated. He might not know this, but I think the world of him and he has been a father figure to me. He triggered that inquisitive part of me again, he made me want to do better, not just for a better CGPA but for a more learned mind. I hang on to his every word and even his life experiences that he shares with us inspires me even more to do my utmost best. His idea of going the extra mile, has stuck with me and I try my best to emulate him.
And it's not just him. It's every lecturer I come across with. Who teach me, educate me and fill my mind with good things. Great things. Usually, when people ask me, "Who are your role models?" I say no one. But I have to say, my lecturers have been and still are my role models.
So this post is dedicated to you, my lecturers, my teachers, my educators. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You are my parents here in uni. You are my mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. My ideals, my lessons, my inspirations and my mentors. Your tenacity and passion are my driving force. Thank you, for everything. I am both honoured and proud that I have the chance to be your student, and I hope someday you will be proud of me too.
People mock me. My friends are very forgiving, and they are amazing, but people outside do mock me. Like when I go to Ghany, there is an old man who is sort of my friend, he mocks me. Yesterday I met an old friend, he mocked me. People just like doing that. I want to know why it's ok to say derogatory things to people who have weight issues. 99.99999% of the time, I accept the mockery, making jokes with them, going with the principle "Others are laughing with you, not at you". But it always hurts. I always go home feeling like a complete useless tool, no matter how much I have accomplished the day. Most days, I contemplate the idea of going back to my old self, the bulimia, and the self starvation. Just so I will be accepted like I should. Sometimes I feel, I dont get the opportunities I deserve because how I look. I'm a person too. I dont know.. I just feel, angry? Abandoned? But it's not all bad. Being the overweight, misfit has given me a thick skin. My confidence actually soared because of that thick skin. even now I hold my head up high when I walk because I know I am wonderfully made. And when I go home back to my boyfriend, he makes me feel like the hottest girl alive. And it's not just him, it's his friends too. But when I'm here.. or even anywhere else... it's sorta sad.
